Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive this?

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ScottishBoy
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Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive this?

Post by ScottishBoy »

Hi Guys
I was feeling like she was a little out of touch so I put myself out there and wrote her to let her know I felt that way. I was replied to that she had been feeling this ways for years and that she felt she had lost her sense of self or given it up for me. She says she still loves me but she has already gone very far down the "i'm leaving " road. Like she actually looked for a house. She said she was planning her escape.
I didnt think it was that bad but she has been pointing out all of the bad things I have done and she seems to have held onto them. I have some depressive symptoms and right now Im thinking it may be more pervasive than I thought, but I cant move on it quick enough and Im afraid that 15 years will just dissapear along with my family and my love. I am fully willing to take my side of the blame and work hard to fix it or get it right, but Im afraid Im going to be too late.

For lack of a better description, I have had very little in the way of fatherly advice. Ironically I used to do this ( psychology) for a living and was quite good at it. But "being in the mix is different than being the chef".

The only indications I have is that she doesnt like to see me suffer( weakness?) and that she hasnt gone yet. She also says Im her third child, which doesnt breed much hope. She still snuggles up to me in bed, which makes things very painful.

The wounds are fresh. Less than 24 hours old, but I have nowhere to go and a surgery next week which will leave me out for a week.

Any pearls of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. I am having difficulty seeing how I can make this work.

SB
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by The Baker »

Sorry, no pearls.
No platitudes either.
But don't feel too alone.

Friendship and support and empathy I CAN offer.
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by Kentucky shinner »

I can only offer you this.. These thing happen to couples way to often. My wife and I went through a similar situation after 25 years of marriage. Luckily for us after being apart for about 3 months, we both really realized what we had that we thought was not longer there. I have to say that We have been back together now for more than 7 years and things have been better than ever. We really enjoy each other more than we ever thought possible. I dont want to give you false hope, but there can be a brighter day.
Hang in there, try to get by the best way you can.
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by Tater »

Been through it myself (twice) and only advice I can offer is that its not the end of the world.Hell of a big change but not the end.Life does go on .Was told once that only difference between losing someone due to death over divorce was in death ya knew where the body was at.Seems to be some truth in that.No use in trying to get someone whose determined that change is what they want to stay.If this chapter of your life is finished try to look at what an adventure you will have at next go around.Been with my 3 wife for little over 20 years.So for me 3rd time was a charm.Have to admit that I do get a good feeling that both my exes hate the fact we do so well together and that she is 10 years younger they either of them. :wink:
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by Bushman »

I will try to give some positive advice. I was married 8 years way at an early age and that marriage ended in divorce. However I learned from my mistakes and have now been married 30 years to a wonderful woman. It sounds like neither you nor your wife is ready to give up on 15 years of marriage. If she told you her thoughts yet she still snuggles with you, I think she is reaching out and asking or hoping you will take the next step. I would say that you need to go someplace quite and have a heart to heart talk. Your job is to be a great listener and not be defensive. I'm not saying to agree with everything she says but to understand that she is stating the way she feels how she perceives things. Good Luck and hope all works out for you!
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by LWTCS »

Sorry to here about your tough times
The very things that can attract men and woman to each other are often what can ultimately drive them apart. People do change.

Your situation is a reoccuring theme that sounds so familiar to lots of us.

My oldest daughter tells me that my first wife's biggest regret was convincing herself that there was something better. Only the separation could prove that however. Sometimes we get too comfortable,,,,,maybe.

Dude,,,,this is not your fault. It is nobodies fault. Both people in the relationship have to have realistic expectations.
Be honest with yourself and do not allow yourself to now have to walk on eggshells.

Good luck dude
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by Bull Rider »

ScottishBoy:

Been down the same path you're on, and for me it worked out for the better. I had to finally realize that my dad was an A/H and I couldn't treat my wife like he treated my mom. Took a lot of "unlearning".

I was very lucky and found a Christian counselor that told me that that I had some real issues with relationships and expectations.

Keep the communications open, even if she does decide to move out, that's not the end. Relationships are difficult, living alone has some advantages and some major disadvantages too.

Hopefully you two can find your way through this most difficult time.
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by rad14701 »

Chin up, my friend... I have also been down that road before... From your background in psychology you are very aware that regardless of your feelings you cannot easily change those of others... When it's about you all of that rationalization doesn't quite equate, however...

The best advice I can give you is to let her know your heartfelt feelings but don't let your family see you sulking... Be as much the family man as you have always been and hold on to just enough hope that things will turn around, but not so much that if they don't that you will fall into the very funk that you have helped pull so many others out of... You know the signs... Be a husband to your wife, not a psychologist... Save those efforts for yourself, and perhaps your children if they are aware of the situation and having a hard time...

And one final thought... Don't waste excessive time and effort trying to fix the relationship based on the premise that "you" are afraid of change or loneliness... I'm sure we've all seen many people that fall into that category... You have a family of friends here to help you through whatever transpires... Your physical and emotional health are important to more folks here than you may be aware of...
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by ammo man »

I can testify that adjusting to major changes in your life can be very difficult. I have never been divorced, but I lost my lady of 38 years to death some 11 years ago. I still live alone, and I am STILL adjusting to the fact she is not here with me.

I have survived, and am happy now even though I still miss her very much. I tell you this ScottishBoy because you can and will be able to adjust no matter the outcome. Just do not give up.

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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by theholymackerel »

I understand the pain yer feelin SB, and I have compassion for you. I also have an ear for you, if ya need to talk.

Yer wise to realise that just because you have a psych background, yer not gonna be able to fix this with those skills... find a pro for you and yer wife to talk to. Make sure it's someone that yer both comfortable with.

If yer a man of Faith, talk to Him. The Lord has more love and compassion for us than anyone else.

If you need someone to talk to, I'm a good listener, I've been through stuff like this before, and I have compassion for you. Send me a PM if ya need to talk. I'll listen...
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by Samohon »

I'm sorry that this dillema has arrived at your doorstep SB as is all too often nowadays.

Don't know where I heard this, but it does have an element of truth:

'If you let someone go because they want to be free, then let them go. No use in prolonging the pain for either of you.
If they come back, then you never really lost anything.
If they don't come back, then it was never yours to begin with
'.

As Larry said, It's nobody's fault that its came to this, I bet she's feeling the same emotions you are.
Great advice from Rad and Bert, your HD family are here for you, no-matter what transpires...

I hope everything works out for you SB, your in our thoughts...

And as KS say's, there are better days ahead my friend... Chin-up mate...
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by rubber duck »

I can't say I've been down that road but everyone has times in their marriage that are trying.

It sounds to me like you have a good deal and you want to fix your marriage, if that's the case don't you think it's time to man up and get to it? 15 years is a long time and it took a good part of that time to get to this point, it's going to take time to fix it and your clock is ticking.

By the way you talk your wife has been doing all the work in your relationship for quite some time and she's tiered of it. It's your turn to be the anchor, it's time for you to do 100% in this relationship because your wife isn't going to put anymore into it. The only reason she's still around is that she loves you and she doesn't want to hurt you, that's good you have something to work with. You can also stop with this,"I'll take my half of the blame" shit, if you want to fix it you can take all the blame and you can do all the work because it sounds like she's done doing it.

What she's been trying to tell your is that she want's a man and a partner, not a little boy she has to take care of. She probably resents you because you haven't given her what she needs, this resentment in turn has made you feel unfulfilled. It's a viscous cycle.

So how do you fix it? Well you could start by doing the dishes, then go see a marriage counselor, if she doesn't want to go then you go by yourself. When was the last time you bought your wife a dozen roses? When was the last time you gave her any sense of security? When was the last time you did anything but coast? If you going to save your family it's time to get with the program.

It might sound like I'm being a little harsh but you have a lot to lose, it's time to man up.

RD
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by ArkyJ »

While never married. My partner and I have been together for over 42 years now.
Been lots of ups and downs.
For 8 years I was a First Sgt in the Air Force and part of the job was to listen to others.
As others have said. PM me. I'll give you a phone number and we can talk.
What I have found and you have to be Man enough and she has to be Woman enough, is to sit down
and hash it out. Lots and lots of give on both sides. Ain't much take from either.
I am truely sorry for what you are going thru.
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by ScottishBoy »

rubber duck wrote:I can't say I've been down that road but everyone has times in their marriage that are trying.

It sounds to me like you have a good deal and you want to fix your marriage, if that's the case don't you think it's time to man up and get to it? 15 years is a long time and it took a good part of that time to get to this point, it's going to take time to fix it and your clock is ticking.

By the way you talk your wife has been doing all the work in your relationship for quite some time and she's tiered of it. It's your turn to be the anchor, it's time for you to do 100% in this relationship because your wife isn't going to put anymore into it. The only reason she's still around is that she loves you and she doesn't want to hurt you, that's good you have something to work with. You can also stop with this,"I'll take my half of the blame" shit, if you want to fix it you can take all the blame and you can do all the work because it sounds like she's done doing it.

What she's been trying to tell your is that she want's a man and a partner, not a little boy she has to take care of. She probably resents you because you haven't given her what she needs, this resentment in turn has made you feel unfulfilled. It's a viscous cycle.

So how do you fix it? Well you could start by doing the dishes, then go see a marriage counselor, if she doesn't want to go then you go by yourself. When was the last time you bought your wife a dozen roses? When was the last time you gave her any sense of security? When was the last time you did anything but coast? If you going to save your family it's time to get with the program.

It might sound like I'm being a little harsh but you have a lot to lose, it's time to man up.

RD
Duck I can assure you I'm not coasting. I do dishes and kids and laundry and all the other chores. Im not some cretenous old fashioned idiot, but we have a fundamental flaw in the way we relate and it's come to a head. Roses? About 16 days ago. Security? I'm fairly supportive in everything she does.Coast? I work, m@&%@%&er...I work...at home and in work.
But...you are correct that its time to put it forward. and that is exactly what Im doing.

My biggest fear is that she has shut down for too long and I wont be able to help it back. You need two people to make this work and I missed her window. She is also the type of person that once she decides something, she will reinforce her own theories. She makes tremendous generalizations and tends to use a single incident as "that will be your response from now on." Its not JUST me. Im taking all of it I can and then some, but if she wont play ball, then I really cant do couples therapy alone, can I?
I DO have a lot to lose and I'm trying...the words werent kind, but I did get something from them.
For that I thank you.

PS. If you have more observations, I WANT to hear them. Sometime a good wake up slap is exactly whats needed.
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by goose eye »

why you gota write her a letter to say what in your heart?
think it bout time you get back to the basics that got yall together but if she aint willin to make it work you cant make her.
think it time to give up likker makein for awhile



so im tole
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by likkerluvver »

I guess many of us have been in your shoes. :cry:
It may work out -given time. :?:
If it doesn't work out for you, something new may come along for you. :wink:
Did for me. - 30 years coming up soon. :ebiggrin:
Happier now than I ever was. :ebiggrin: :ebiggrin: :ebiggrin:


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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by Austin Nichols »

SB,

I really know where your at right now and also know how hard it is to see the light at the end of the tunnel, my wife of 12 years left me about 11 years ago, it took me nearly 2 years to be comfortable about it all.

We had two daughters 11 & 9 yo's and I'm certain while the ex and I were licking our wounds that our two kids were suffering more, and they are having problems today that can most likely be caused from our stupid stupid very nasty and harsh seperation.

Let her go and hold your kids closer, the kids are the ones that suffer the most and you need to shield them from any of the nasty stuff that your wife and you are going to be going through.

These days however, I'm really happy with my new mrs and have a really fantastic relationship with my ex, we are better freinds now than when we were married.

It will all work out ok in the end mate, it doesnt feel like it now, but it will eventually.
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by Popcorn Fan »

Sorry to hear things are'nt goig well for you, I don't know how things are going to play out but I hope it turns out well either way.

With these things it's all got to do with time but it's going through it now that is the hardest part, hang in there and look to the long term not just today or tomorrow. As was already mentioned keep the kids in mind.
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by 6fiddyv »

Like everyone else has stated, IT IS GOING TO BE OK in the future. Time is the only thing that will heal...Which ever direction you and you wife choose, THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS is the KIDS. It is now just over 2 years since my split, it was very ugly, I ended up giving everything up. I love my 2 little girls more than anything and all I could dwell on was how can I be a good father when I was single. I felt that in order for me to be a good dad, I had to have their mother along side me. Well, needless to say, none of that is true. I can thank her for forcing this (or having the affair with my cousin and bearing a child-now who looks foolish), I am now a much much happier daddy than when I was with her, and my relationship with my 2 daughters is great. Looking back, I was foolish for thinking that I needed to be with her.

YOU are the only one that has the power to control your emotions. I know you should know that from being in the "business", but I could only imagine how hard it is to take your own advice than it is to give it...something about being on the other end of the stick.

I would add that since she is only thinking that, still snug's up to you in bed, is able to talk about this with you is great signs she still loves you, and from that standpoint you are in a place to build from.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope this all works out for the better.
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by ScottishBoy »

Thanks for the advice everyone. This is NOT the only avenue Im working to get this fixed. I posted here because we seem to have a pretty big population experienced older men. That and I needed to feel like I was doing more. I have been on the phone and arranging possible couples counseling and I have hooked up with a fantastic psychologist who WILL hold my feet to the fire. she has a tentative "yes" in for us to go see a marriage counselor but she says she's doing it because I want us to go, not because she wants to. I left it alone for too long, but I can see the tiniest glimmer of hope and I'm going to shoot for that, but I could really use some folks to bounce stuff off who arent kids.
Im going to start looking at the possibility that I am a total asshole and need to change and go from there. I know I can be a better man.

Thanks
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by ArkyJ »

If you SEE and THINK you might be an asshole. Most likely you are NOT one.
Good luck. ArkyJ
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by Popcorn Fan »

The other thing you need to look at is if she has issues sometimes there is nothing you can do about it and you have to accept that, sometimes you can't control stuff and no matter what you do you may get an outcome you do'nt want.
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by ScottishBoy »

Popcorn Fan wrote:The other thing you need to look at is if she has issues sometimes there is nothing you can do about it and you have to accept that, sometimes you can't control stuff and no matter what you do you may get an outcome you do'nt want.
Point taken. I figure at the very least, if I work on myself and do my best, then it will make the speration that much easier on me, and hopefully it will show the kids that you need to faceit, deal, and move on if you cant solve it.

In the meantime, I need to figure out the way that I can show her that Im changing, show her love and NOT pressure her.
Its going to be a very fine line.
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by Samohon »

IMO, this is a step in the right direction SB... Don't be too hard on yourself though...

Hope everything pans out OK for both of you...

Best wishes...
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by exon »

LWTCS wrote: The very things that can attract men and woman to each other are often what can ultimately drive them apart.
Now THAT's a very good observation.
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by ScottishBoy »

And now it's time for the weekend. My oldest is sleeping over at someones house...should make for a tense and quiet weekend. Nothing like the phrase "I dont want you, but I dont have any place to go."
I have told her whats in my heart, but she seems pretty determined to hold on to the past. Good session with my therapist and kath actually said she would talk to her.

I'm so confused.
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by ahira »

a really good friend of mine split from his wife about 2 years ago they were married for 20 years had been together for 24 years the kids all grown up
he was inconsolable untill she told him " when they got together he was all she ever wanted out of life before she knew what she wanted out of life "
they are now both in new relationships and happy again and great friends to boot.
this may seem like the end but its possibly the start of chapter 2.
just my 5 penny worth
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by TexasReflux »

I was going to make light, but after reading I cant. You seem to sincere.

Hope it works out for you both, but know it is very hard to change someones mind...

Sometimes these things happen for a reason and it' best to let it go, but dont go down without a fight. You have a good base for support here it seems, just dont pull a Sheen on all of us.

Keep your head up, it's life, you can deal one way or the other...
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by Skoot »

I have had a similar experience.

I married young had a few kids and things didn’t work out. After three (3) years of married we called it “quits” and went through a brutal divorce and custody battle. Of course I lost and I was truly devastated. All of my friends told me that “everything happens for a reason, if it was meant to be everything will work out in the end”. At the time, I thought “yeah that’s the standard canned BS answer for this type of situation”. My ex-wife and I moved on in different directions and after 5 years being apart/divorced by some stroke of luck we reunited. It wasn’t planed or even considered an option, it just happened. We’re been together now and celebrating our 2nd marriage anniversary of 21 years + 3 years from the 1st time.

Advice: Don’t waste 5 years like I did. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about “what if”. You obviously married her because you “love her”, I doubt that has changed.

Good luck,
Skooter
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Re: Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive thi

Post by ScottishBoy »

Well...still kickin.
Duck was correct in his estimation and that wasnt the first time I heard that. Several people have said things similar. Right now my problem is that I have made a breakthrough almost immediately and my wife is standing on the fence. She SEEMS to be leaning towards the therapy. I am doing everything I can, but I cant seem to give her the space she needs, so I think that I will make an effort to be "in other places" so she can have the space she needs.
She says that it would be nice if she could have someone who could "Interpret her words for me." I am hoping that means she will be amenable to couples therapy.

Thanks guys. She has actually asked what you guys think...odd, but true.

SB
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