The liar's bench

[goinbroke2]

Reminds me of last summer I was welding in shorts and got a really bad sunburn, went to the hospital and said I need a prescription for viagra. Attendant said "viagra doesn't treat sunburn" I said a little louder than I meant to "no but it keeps the sheets off my legs."
Like you said, took a few minutes for them to regain their composure.

[T-Pee]

I was being prepped for open heart surgery . Nurse soaped up my genital area and grabbed a handful while she shaved pubes.

I gotta wonder why she had yer johnson in her hand shaving your pubes when they were gonna open yer chest.

tp

[Badmotivator]

That reminds me of the time I was going in for brain surgery to remove excess capacity and needless complexity. I shaved my head and then everything else just for fun. I told the nurse, "Since you're already in scrubs and I'm all cleaned up down in the playground, could you do something to make my equipment look bigger?" When I woke up they had shortened my legs by three inches.

[OtisT]

quite an amazing thread. Explosions, burnings, shootings, wild animal encounters/killings, and other near death missadventures. I think I have found my people! . I will definitely come back here again and again to read more of the 200+ pages of BS ( this is the layers bench;-). So where do I start.....

Me and three friends cut school to deer hunt for a few days. We decided to drive far into BLM lands to camp/hunt for two days. The first day we didn't see any fresh signs of deer at all. Day two was looking bad as well and we decided to return mid day, rather than hunt into dusk and have to drive out of the mountains at night. I broke out one of my dad's sayings when the deer were hard to find, "All this time hunting, and no deer. And I could have filled the chest freezer by now with all the squirrel I've seen." Yes, four light bulbs went off at once and a new contest was begun; Who could bag the most squirl meat in an hour. Deer rifles and large caliber pistols blazed for an hour. At the end, each of us chose a rock to display our trophies on for the judging. It was not pretty. My 30-30 was the smallest caliber there, so no good meat. We did take pictures before we left though. The best part of this story is what follows. The next spring at school, we had a school wide assembly for a "sneak peek" slideshow of the yearbook that would be coming out soon. Yes, one of my hunting buddies was on the yearbook team and put one of our "squirl-parts on a rock" pictures in the lineup. Every picture shown was met with immediate response; Laughs, cheers, commentary. When our slide appeared, there was complete silence because no one could figure out what the hell they were looking at. (Just parts, remember). At least 10 seconds of silence before the first of many screams mixed with the sound of a few folks heaving. I loved high school.

[goinbroke2]

Look at you fitting right in!

Welcome to the insanity

[HDNB]

I was being prepped for open heart surgery . Nurse soaped up my genital area and grabbed a handful while she shaved pubes.

I gotta wonder why she had yer johnson in her hand shaving your pubes when they were gonna open yer chest.

tp

Say what you want about TB, but that dick has a lot of heart.

[jb-texshine]

Happy easter y'all!
Hope all our kiwi friends made it through the storms there.

[Lyonsie]

I live out in the countryside in Ireland. I've two dogs that destoyed their sofa. Thought to myself no bother out it goes and ill burn it. Turned into two fire engines and about 8 firemen. Whoever rang them up wasting there time should have been on the fire. €250 bill

[Truckinbutch]

I was being prepped for open heart surgery . Nurse soaped up my genital area and grabbed a handful while she shaved pubes.

I gotta wonder why she had yer johnson in her hand shaving your pubes when they were gonna open yer chest.

tp

Idunno They stripped veins from the inside of both legs to re plumb me . Could be the reason .
That , or she just admired my retirement package

[GrassHopper]

I was being prepped for open heart surgery . Nurse soaped up my genital area and grabbed a handful while she shaved pubes.

I gotta wonder why she had yer johnson in her hand shaving your pubes when they were gonna open yer chest.

tp

Idunno They stripped veins from the inside of both legs to re plumb me . Could be the reason .
That , or she just admired my retirement package

Maybe she was seeing if there was anything to revive in your "retired package".

[Truckinbutch]

That's retirement , not retired package .

[jb-texshine]

Just got the honeysuckle in the fermenter.
7 gallons of water
5# of honeysuckle blossoms
10#sugar
2# boiled golden raisins
Half teaspoon each of dap and Epsom salt
1118 yeast
Not sure what it'll be like but why the hell not do it anyway. If it don't at least smell like honeysuckle I swear I'll burn every bit of it growing on my fences.

Any bets on what it'll taste like?

[Truckinbutch]

Sounds like a potentially good drop to me . May require more liberal cuts than we are used to to capture the flavor . I expect that it will be delicate at best .

[Shine0n]

Jb, I'm betting on a very feint, subtle flower taste.
Post the results when completed so I know ifn I need to tear or burn the mass off my fence too.

Sounds promising too, how long did it take to pick that many blossoms?

[piperdave]

Jb, I'm betting on a very feint, subtle flower taste.

Hopefully it doesn't taste like feints and there is a faint, subtle flower taste.

[jb-texshine]

ShineOn,it took three weeks picking every two or three days.
Be my luck it'll taste like perfume.

[Shine0n]

Just dab some on ur neck and go out for a night out. Lol

I went ahead and cleaned 3/4 of my fence line to have a better view of the river, that shit grows like crazy here in VA. My little one will sit for hours picking then things and suckling the juice.

I have access to acres of them if I want so I'm waiting for yours to decide if it's worth it or not. Can't be no worse than dandelion wine

[Shine0n]

Jb, I'm betting on a very feint, subtle flower taste.

Hopefully it doesn't taste like feints and there is a faint, subtle flower taste.

Oops, maybe I was thinking of running them when I'm back line. Lol

[piperdave]

Now I'll have to double check every post I make for speeling.....errr...spelling.

[Truckinbutch]

Hey , folks . Try a sip of this AG COB white dog .
I had a big true story thought when I was down to the still house working involving Decoration Day , which is coming up in a short time .
Fact is that I'm just to tired this late in the evening to tell it .
Enjoy the drop . The story is true and will keep until I'm rested enough to tell it .

[bilgriss]

I woke up tired, and I forgot all my stories. Looking forward to yours TB.

[Truckinbutch]

Hope there's somma that white dog left . Brought more in case Flatwoods or Croweater stopped by while I was gone . They both have a way about cleaning up what is left at the bench . Anyhow , this is a 2 part story and I'll tell one part this evening .
My Mom and Dad split in 1953 and I was a very negative , nasty kid because of that . Broke windows with rocks , stomped flower beds in neighbors yards . I'd climb up a trellis to the front porch roof of the house the company store manager lived in just to piss on his head when he came home from work and get chased back to my aunt's house where mom and I lived .
My aunt would defend me and run him off . The roomer on the 3rd floor that was boffing my mom would beat hell out of me any time he could get ahold of me just for practice .That's the second part of the story for another day .
There was also a trucker that lived down the street . Had a cow wagon and a freight box . He took a liking to me and rode me all over the country in that old '48 Diamond T . Taught me how to take up for myself and put me up to some orneryness as well . Like pissin on the store manager's head ..... Charlie didn't like him , neither .
Anyhow , Charlie took me along on a big trip to Detroit that was supposed to be unload and reload same day . Except , the broker lied and there wasn't a reload . 2 days later and I had had enough . I wanted to go home . Charlie told me what to say and i stomped down the hall to the broker's office and faced the guy behind the desk that was talking on phones and chomping a big cigar .
I'm 4 years old and I pointed my finger in his face and said ,"You SONOFABITCH ! If you don't find us a load today so I can go see my momma I will know where to find your dead ass come Decoration Day !"
We got a load and I got home to see my Momma .
1992 driving my own truck I wheeled into the Detroiter Truck Stop I thought for the first time . Everything felt so familiar when I walked inside that I just let my feet go where they lead me down a hallway lined with broker's offices . Turned into the one that felt right and there was this old cigar chompin bastard just giving me the stink eye .
"What the fuck do you want ? "
"You Sombitch , if you don't find us a load so I can go see my Momma I'll know where to find you on Decoration Day "
His eyes popped wide and he yelled "BUTCH BRADSHACK !(that's what Charlie called me) You got that fucking Charlie with you ?"
Sadly I had to tell him that Charile had passed .
Here's to you Charlie Richardson and thank you for my first pair of cowboy boots .

[Truckinbutch]

Damn if the Devil or Demon Rum ain't ridin my ass ! back here on the same day for Part Two . Nice spring thunderstorm refreshing the world as I post .
1954 was a tough year for me in some respects . End of that year my Mom and Dad got back together and remained that way until we lost Mom 12 years ago .
1974 I was married , hard workin , and weighed 268# at 6'1" while wearing 32/34 jeans . Long sleeved shirts were not an option for me ...... It was time to settle a score .
Found out where that SOB that beat me as a kid hung out and began stopping there enough to be considered a regular . He was there , alright . In his mid 50's and considered himself 'The Bull of the Woods' . Was proud to tell everyone listening what a man he was .
Me being new there he spent extra time with me catching me up on all the men he had whipped and the women he had had the use of . I let him talk and talk and talk ....
Picked a time when the bar was jam full and he was on a roll with his bullshit and then I asked him in a loud enough voice to be heard close in and cause the silence of 'bar instinct' to spread :
"How many kids besides your own boy did you beat on during all those years ?"
"Lot's of them . They got to learn respect ."
"Ever think that one of them might come back to get a little of his own back ?"
"I dare one of those sonsabitches to come at me . I'll beat their ass again ."
And I smiled .................. I got 8 1/2"x 4 1/2" hands at the ends of my arms and I backhanded him upside the head with the left one and tagged the other side on the rebound . I had his bell rung and I didn't let up .
Told him , "Game on , motherfucker ! Teach me some more respect !"
I never gave him the courtesy of hitting him with a fist like he was a man . I just bitch slapped him with open hands and backhands until he begged for mercy .
I gave him mercy . After I made him take off his belt and hand it to me I allowed him to bend over a bar stool to take his ass strappin without dropping his trousers and underwear like he had done to me . The 'Big Man' was just about anybody's bitch after that .
Be nice to kids . They grow up and have memories ...................

[thecroweater]

Got three grown stepsons they still give me grief from time to time. That said if my back was to the wall they would be beside me in an instant, I'd stake my life on it. Its mutral respect and it wasn't taught with a belt
Sow a bit of kindness in a child's heart and ya just watch it grow. Oldest one come here the other day we got chatting, I asked how his Dad was , well I won't repeat what he said next but that fella has done him some wrong. He finished by saying the only Dad he has is me. I felt a little sad for him thought the time they spent working together might have ironed things out but I am a little proud he feel that way about me. Next youngest ones girlfriend told me quite a while back he thinks about the same way. Must be I done some good in this world. When they was young they started to call me Dad and I stopped them said no you got a fella to show that respect to, did try hard to get a relationship going there, was OK sort of till they hit teens. Anyways they are all grown now and if they want to call me Dad that will be just dandy fine with me

[Truckinbutch]

I've mentored a lot of kids around here . Never tried to take the place of their fathers . Just tried to misdirect them into good trouble and stand their backs . To their credit , they have not forgotten that . If I called for help any one of them would come running .

[thecroweater]

The back story is when I got with their mother they hadn't heard from their old man in over 4 years (they were all between 8 and 11. I was a bit taken back from that, felt it wasn't right so through their mother's family we got in touch with him, invited him over and things went ok for a time. I think as they got older the novelty wore off even when they moved close to him. He would drive within 100 metres of them to visit another younger child and not once called in to see them, I can not imagine why, having three kids myself I really can't. Being a father figure to them wasn't a plan life just worked out that way. Them boys were growing up unholtered and someone needed to steer them right. Being my children's brothers just fell to me, in hindsight it was a great privilege even though at times it surely didn't feel that way all the time.

[Truckinbutch]

ya don't have to be the blood Dad of a kid to mentor him/her in a positive way . Kids respect stability and honesty . If it was no yesterday and is still no today they can respect that and deal with it .
Treat them like the adults you want them to become and most of them will rise to the challenge . You have given them a goal instead of a demand to be rebelled against .

[Shine0n]

ya don't have to be the blood Dad of a kid to mentor him/her in a positive way . Kids respect stability and honesty . If it was no yesterday and is still no today they can respect that and deal with it .
Treat them like the adults you want them to become and most of them will rise to the challenge . You have given them a goal instead of a demand to be rebelled against .

Amen brother

[frodo]

ya don't have to be the blood Dad of a kid to mentor him/her in a positive way . Kids respect stability and honesty . If it was no yesterday and is still no today they can respect that and deal with it .
Treat them like the adults you want them to become and most of them will rise to the challenge . You have given them a goal instead of a demand to be rebelled against .

wise words

[Truckinbutch]

Where's Corene ? Anybody paid her a wellness visit recently ?