Jokes

[scarecrow]

Why do the Arabs have all the oil and the Irish have all the potatoes?
The Irish had first choice.

Irishman, Aussie and American shipwrecked on an island.
A bottle washes up, out pops a genie.
"Three wishes you have, that's one wish each"
Aussie wishes for the outback with the sun and clear skies. Foomp, he's gone.
American wishes for the prairies, green and vast. Foomp, he's gone.

Now, the Irishman, he's not silly. He thinks long and hard. Do I go for the lusty wenches or perhaps a lot of money. Or I can just go home like the others.
After a few weeks, he still can't decide.
Getting impatient, the genie tells him to hurry up and make a decision.
"I can't decide", says the Irishman. "I wish the others were here to help me."

scarecrow

[Samohon]

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

ROWL

Welcome to the forums.....

[blanikdog]

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, ' I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[kazanas]

An old man, went to a doctor. <<what is the problem?>> the doctor asked
<<I continously have gases>> answered the old man, << but the good thing is that they don't make noise and they don't smell>> The doctor gave him some medicines, and told him to come back in a month.After a month, the old man went to the doctor again , very very angry.<< Not only I have the same gases, but they also smell awfull>> he said. And the doctor answered<< OK, now that we have cured your smell, we can cure your hearing also>>

[Dnderhead]

(a thread earlier makes me think of this.)
a boy living in the Louisiana bayous , had a friend that was a "witch" that made very good predictions.
she predicted that his Father whould die within a week.
so he ran right home and told dad,
dad got all worried and moped around for a wile.
the week went by and nothing happened,until the last day,
when the boy got home his mother was all flustered,the boy asked what happened, did dad die?

mom said no the postman did ,right on the porch.

[blanikdog]

(a thread earlier makes me think of this.)
a boy living in the Louisiana bayous , had a friend that was a "witch" that made very good predictions.
she predicted that his Father whould die within a week.
so he ran right home and told dad,
dad got all worried and moped around for a wile.
the week went by and nothing happened,until the last day,
when the boy got home his mother was all flustered,the boy asked what happened, did dad die?

mom said no the postman did ,right on the porch.

blanik

[Tater]

Fella was telling me other day .That his girlfriend went and got a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh.Swears that when he holds his ear to it he can smell the ocean.

[cob]

my brother brought me a hard copy of this with no pictures. i don't have the knowledge to import the file to this thread (mod help please)
http://www.just4funemail.com/emails/beaver.htm" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow
enjoy. cob

[LWTCS]

my brother brought me a hard copy of this with no pictures. i don't have the knowledge to import the file to this thread (mod help please)
http://www.just4funemail.com/emails/beaver.htm" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow
enjoy. cob

If that is for real,,,,,,,that is golden.

[Dnderhead]

notice

TO ALL employees!!

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep ALL employees well trained through our program of special high intensity training (S.H.I.T.) We are giving our employees more S.H.i.T.) than any other company.

if you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job ,please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the Top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you git all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us to train others. we can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List, Special High Intensity Training program.(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.)

if you have further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training(H.O.T.S.H.I.T.) program.

thank you
Boss In General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

[blanikdog]

my brother brought me a hard copy of this with no pictures. i don't have the knowledge to import the file to this thread (mod help please)
http://www.just4funemail.com/emails/beaver.htm" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow
enjoy. cob

If that is for real,,,,,,,that is golden.

I wonder what the dam Department response to this dam letter was, dammit!!!

[heynonny]

This is supposed to be true, , , ,

The Sierra Club and the U.S.. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers
for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using
the tried and true method of shooting or trapping
the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane"
solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated
and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers
thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes.

Finally an old fellow in the back of the
conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and
said; "Son, I don't think you understand our
problem here", "These coyotes ain't fuckin' our
sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter in that room.
The meeting never really got back on track.

[A positive attitude may not solve all your
problems, but it will annoy enough people to make
it worth the effort.]
-hey-

[Stalvin]

A guy comes home from work..says to his wife..what would you do if I won Lotto..I'd take half then leave you..great! he replies..I just won ten bucks, take five and piss off.

[Samohon]

lol

Thanks guys

S.

[heynonny]

A very attractive girl walks into a pet store and asks the clerk if he has
any unique pets. She doesn't want a dog or a cat or anything like that.
She tells the clerk she wants something *unusual*.

The clerk thinks for a moment and says "Why, yes ma'am. I have a frog that
will perform cunnilingus."

The girl sees intrugued so she buys the frog, takes it home, gets
undressed, lays on the bed with the frog between her legs.

The frog does nothing.

She tries nudging the frog.

Again, the frog does nothing.

After a while she calls the pet shop in a rage. "You sold me a defective
frog! It doesn't do what you said! It jus dits there!"

"Hold on," says the clerk, "I'll be right over."

When he gets there she expains the situation. And he says, "Maybe you're
doing something wrong. Let me see wat you were doing."

The girl is somewhat aprehensive, but decides, "what the hell" and again
disrobes and places the frog between her legs.

Again the frog does nothing.

The clerk picks up the frog and shouts, "I'm only gong to show you this
'one' more time..."

[Titus-a-fishus]

A gorilla walks into a bar
Bartender at the end of a double shift thinks to himself ... "not another idiot in a monkey suit. I'll fix him up good. "

Gorilla orders a beer
"That'll be $20" says the bartender with an evil grin.
Gorilla looks at the beer and hands over the money

"Don't get many gorillas here" says the bartender
"No wonder" says the gorilla "at these bloody prices."





Three Nuns walking through a park are surprised by a flasher
Two faint and one has a stroke......

[Titus-a-fishus]

Blonde joke

A blonde gets sick of all the bad taste blonde jokes the others in the office keep telling her
So she decided to dye her hair brunette.

On her way home from the hairdressers she wants to see just how clever she is now.
Seeing a farmer leaning on a fence, looking at a flock of sheep, she pulled up to talk to him.

"If I can guess how many sheep you have in the paddock can I have one?"
Farmer thinks about this and agrees.

She looks over the flock and states "2543".
The farmer can't believe his ears.... "your right Miss .... a deal is a deal - pick any one you want."

On the way out of the paddock the farmer says to her
"If I can guess what colour your hair was before you dyed it, can I have my dog back?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



If you ate a clown would he taste funny?

[junkyard dawg]

This blond is speeding down the road when she gets pulled over by a Blond cop. The blond cop walks up and asks for the girls drivers license...

"Whats that?" asks the blond driver...

"You know, in your purse... a little card with your picture on it..."

"Oh, yeah! I know!" the driver says as she starts to dig through her purse... When she finds her little make-up mirror, she pulls it out, checks her makeup and then hands it to the cop.

So, the cop looks at it and says..."hey, if I'd have known you were a cop I would have never pulled you over..."

[Titus-a-fishus]

Husband gets into bed
Cuddles up to his wife and says
Good night mother of six.....
She replies good night father of four




See if you can read this joke out loud


A Barnam and Bailey Circus big brown bear goes to the pub

A Barnam and Bailey Big Brown Bear goes into the Burbon and Beefsteak nightclub in The King's Cross .. Sydney Australia
I'll have a beer he says
"Sorry" says the Bartender "We don't serve Barnam and Bailey Big Brown Bear at the Burbon and Beefsteak"

The Bear gets really pissed off at this and smashes a barstool
GIVE ME A DAMN BEER

"Sorry" says the Bartender "We don't serve Barnam and Bailey Big Brown Bear that break barstools at the Burbon and Beefsteak"

This upsets the bear even more so he smacks the bartender in the mouth and screams
I WANT A BEER
The Bartender replies through broken teeth
"We don't serve Barnam and Bailey Big Brown Bear that break barstools änd bash bartenders at the Burbon and Beefsteak"

By this time the bear is so angry he grabs the bar and bites a huge piece out of it.
I DEMAND A BEER!!!!!

The bartender replies
"We don't serve Barnam and Bailey Big Brown Bear that break barstools, bash bartenders and are on drugs at the Burbon and Beefsteak"

The bear says "Drugs?"

Yes replies the Bartender...









Isn't that a bar bit u ate?

[blanikdog]

That's terrible, titus.

[Usge]

a reprint from "Brent" but one of my favs:

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young
man drives in and comes to the door.

"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of
milkweed in your
pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some
milk?"

"You don't get milk from milkweed," the farmer
replied.
"Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in
Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."

"Well, help yourself," said the farmer.

He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with
two buckets full
of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch
when the same
young man drove up.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you
had some
honeysuckle in th! e fence row. I wondered if you would
mind if I got
some honey?"

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle," said the
farmer.

Again, the young man explained about his degree from
A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some
honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with
two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the
farmer's house.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I
noticed you had some
pussy willow down by the creek."

The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes ....."

[Titus-a-fishus]

I was out walking recently through a fairly busy part of town.
Waiting for the lights to change so I could cross.
From the opposite side I see a blind man and his guide dog stroll straight out into the traffic!!!!

All hell breaks loose

Cars going everywhere trying to avoid this fellow and his dog.
They stroll on as if nothing is happening
When they reach my side of the street the blind bloke reaches down with a treat for his dog!!!!

I said to him "You're not going to reward him for nearly killing you are you?"

"Reward?" replied the blind man
"No mate, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick the bastard up the arse!!!!"





Farmer needs a new rooster.
So one morning he goes to a neighbours farm knowing he is selling a few good ones

"Yeeeeeep" says the second farmer "I'll sell you that little randy bugga there.... that'll be ya best bet."
Farmer one isn't sure if he's being had or not so chucks the scrawny looking rooster in the back seat and heads home.

As he's heading home the rooster jumps up on the seat and says " So ..... how many you got?"
Farmer shocked that the rooster can talk says "well..... about 5,000 hens."
"It's a start I guess" says the rooster.

Straight out of the car the rooster says "so where are they. Come on its still early morning, I'm not a bloody monk ya know."
Farmer opens up one of his sheds and says "OK there's about 2000 here that should keep you busy for a few days."

Mid moring there's a ruckus in the hen house and the rooster burst out.
Crowing at the top of his tiny little lungs.

"What's next" he says

Farmer can't believe his eyes ... all these hens in less than a morning.
Takes the rooster to the next barn and same thing by lunch time.
Same thing again rooster crowing at the top of his lungs.
Done them too.

The rooster does the whole 5000 by mid afternoon!!!!!
"What else you go? " he says

"Well" says the farmer "you should really take it easy it's been a ..."
"Shut up" says the rooster "I'm still randy what else you got?"
Farmer scratches his head and says "Well there is a few ducks on the island in my dam... but that's about it"
That'll do

So the farmer rows him over to the island and leaves him there.
About an hour later he looks over to the island and sure enough the rooster is flat on his back, legs in the air, vultures circling.
"I knew it" thought the farmer "stupid little bugga shagged himself to death."

Rows over to the island to pick up the body before the vultures get him.
The rooster flat out on the ground, legs in the air, opens one eye and says quitely.......






"Piss off .....I'm waiting for 'em to land."

[Hutch-]

A man was driving through the desert when he sees a Native American man hitchhiking by the side of the road, he pulls over and picks him up. After some small talk, the Indian man notices a brown paper bag next to the driver and asks "what's in the bag?". The driver says, "a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife". Then Native American man says "good trade".

[Titus-a-fishus]

Removed due to non humorous content

[olddog]

You been walkin past the schoolyard again I see Titus-a-fishus

[Titus-a-fishus]

OK I'll stop

[scarecrow]

Three peanuts took a shortcut across an army firing range.
Two got shelled and the other was assaulted.


A blonde starts work and on the first day she comes in with a set of headphones on.
At the end of the day, everyone has noticed that she never took them off. Never whistled or hummed a tune. Never took them off to go to the loo.
Just before knock off time, the boss takes the headphones off her to find out what she's listening to.
Within seconds the blonde falls to the floor, motionless.
The boss puts the headphones on and all he hears is a repetitive chanting......

breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out ......

scarecrow

[MuleKicker]

Im sure The Irish guys will be all over this one..... Hell you all may. Im half Irish, my moms side is all Irish. My grandfather had an old Irish book of nasty limmericks. We were drinking reading these things. Funny..... I will start out......
You all know about the man from Nantucket, Right?
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whos dick was so long he could suck it
He wiped his chin, and said with a grin
If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it.

[squidd]

Okay MK, but remember you started this.

There once was a lady from Naught,
Who lived on pig shit and snot.
She soon tired of these,
And started eating the cheese,
That she scraped from the edge of her twat.

[Teddysad]

There was an old man from Kent
Whose tool was so long and bent
To save himself trouble
He stuffed it in double
And instead of coming, he went