Jokes

Little or nothing to do with distillation.

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dstaines
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Re: Jokes

Post by dstaines »

A traveling salesman knocked on the door of a nice looking house in a new town. After a minute, a young boy no older than 10 answered the door. To the salesman's utter shock and surprise, the boy was dressed in extremely expensive silk lingerie and brassiere. He had inexpertly applied makeup on his face. His lips had clearly been further smudged his lipstick due to the fact that he was smoking an enormous cigar and drinking from a large glass of what looked and smelled like very fine scotch. The boy stood in the doorway, leaning on the frame, and said nothing. After a long silence, the salesman asked "Excuse me young man, but are your Mother and Father home?"

The boy answered simply "What the fuck do you think?"
I buy all my liquor at the hardware store.
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Truckinbutch
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Re: Jokes

Post by Truckinbutch »

So , this stupid ass redneck barges into a packed redneck honky tonk and jumps up on the bar waving a pistol around in the general direction of the crowd ,
"I got a Glock 9mm with 17 shots and I want the name of the sob in here that's been boinking my wife ! "
>Voice from back in the crowd hollers out ,
"YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS , DUDE !"
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Re: Jokes

Post by jedneck »

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.

The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”

“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
welcome aboard some of us are ornery old coots but if you do a lot of
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Re: Jokes

Post by jedneck »

ddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”
welcome aboard some of us are ornery old coots but if you do a lot of
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Re: Jokes

Post by jedneck »

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle-fed.

"Breastfed", she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist." The doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know", she said, "I am his Grandma."
welcome aboard some of us are ornery old coots but if you do a lot of
reading and don't ask stupid questions you'll be alright most are
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Re: Jokes

Post by jedneck »

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”

The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.”

The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”
welcome aboard some of us are ornery old coots but if you do a lot of
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Re: Jokes

Post by jedneck »

AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons,

memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's; he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't.

So I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer,

so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast,

Ireland's finest.

He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink,

I was so ****-faced,

I could hardly push his stroller back home.
welcome aboard some of us are ornery old coots but if you do a lot of
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frodo
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Re: Jokes

Post by frodo »

12140791_218443195182621_9013524310259453165_n.jpg
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Re: Jokes

Post by frodo »

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on he ad.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ***.
Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.
Dry off forearms and butt only.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.
Have a great day! And, ' woo woo'!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Truckinbutch »

Frodo , why you peepin my windows ?
If you ain't the lead dog in the team , the scenery never changes . Ga Flatwoods made my avatar and I want to thank him for that .
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Re: Jokes

Post by WooTeck »

that very much resembles me except the missing: walk in to things and curse at them while teying to open eyes.
and the "OHH SH!T. i gotta go"
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Re: Jokes

Post by frodo »

I forgot to add walking into the bedroom on anniversary night with a pineapple slice and whip cream on the jhonson saying WOO WOO!!!!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by frodo »

why doesn't my laser work ?


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Re: Jokes

Post by pfshine »

Dear Jesus why
Life is a journey you take alone. Make sure you do what you what makes you happy
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Bushman
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman »

Guess what I'm having for dinner tonight?
image.jpeg
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 »

frodo wrote:why doesn't my laser work ?


Wow...surprised buddy didn't hoof him in the nuts for being so stupid as well. Of course he was standing there watching him swing the weapon around like a toy....what a dumbass.
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Re: Jokes

Post by skow69 »

I've watched that 7 times and it is still funny.
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Re: Jokes

Post by BoomTown »

heartcut wrote:I was 19. Went to a bar, BSd my way in and ended up talking with this tall, leggy blonde. She didn't seem to notice I was underage and we went back to my place. In the afterglow, she opened up and told me she was 14 and had run away from home that morning. Took her home, on my motorcycle. Her dad came out to welcome us... Never have let a man talk to me like that before or since. That night (1969) I was the joke.
Hate to admit, been there, done that. No joke. But what a great night she and I had before I found out how old she was. Remember it now, 45 years later.
“…Let’s do this one more time....”
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Hillbilly Popstar
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Re: Jokes

Post by Hillbilly Popstar »

Wouldn't bee surprised if this one has been circulated around here a few times...
Image

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Re: Jokes

Post by kiwi Bruce »

Hillbilly that's similar to the old saying..."Never trust a naked man that offers you the shirt off his back !" KB
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Re: Jokes

Post by rad14701 »

From a fertility website I ended up on while researching vitamins and minerals for sugarheads...
tonsils-450x450.jpg
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman »

image.jpeg
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Re: Jokes

Post by jedneck »

Bushman wrote:
image.jpeg
That's a nightmare
welcome aboard some of us are ornery old coots but if you do a lot of
reading and don't ask stupid questions you'll be alright most are
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bagasso »

jedneck wrote:That's a nightmare
Not if the liquor cabinet is stocked. Then it's just a temporary problem.
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Re: Jokes

Post by frodo »

ran into a problem
spider10.jpg


fixed problem


spider11.jpg
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Re: Jokes

Post by cranky »

:esurprised: Frodo don't you know it's bad luck to kill a spider?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Appalachia-Shiner »

Looks like it was Really Bad luck for the spider.
I surprised Frodo didn't Shoot it.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Badmotivator »

I'm pretty sure he just spit tobacco juice at it, and it went off to take a shower.
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Re: Jokes

Post by jedneck »

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
welcome aboard some of us are ornery old coots but if you do a lot of
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Re: Jokes

Post by SassyFrass »

Wow...Note to self: DO NOT eat dinner and read the jokes page!
Now to clean up the laptop and keyboard.

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