A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d of a f**king bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
Jokes
Moderator: Site Moderator
Re: Jokes
Two black guys are standing on a bridge, pissing off the side. One says to the other, "Man, that water sure is cold." The other man replied, "Yeah, and deep, too."
Distilling at 110f and 75 torr.
I'm not an absinthe snob, I'm The Absinthe Nazi. "NO ABSINTHE FOR YOU!"
I'm not an absinthe snob, I'm The Absinthe Nazi. "NO ABSINTHE FOR YOU!"
Re: Jokes
A lady with no arms and no legs is lying on the beach crying, a guy walks up and asks why the tears? She says well, I'm my whole life I've never had a hug so the guy gives her a hug. Then she started to cry even more, so the guy says what's wrong now? She said well in my whole life I've never had a kiss. The guy thought what the hell and gave her a kiss. Now she's really crying as he walks away so he turns and asks what's wrong again? She replies, in my whole life I've never been fucked. So he picked her up and threw her in the ocean and said you're fucked now!!!
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jedneck
- Site Donor
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- Location: drive to the sticks, hang a right past the sticks amd go a couple more miles.
Re: Jokes
"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her? I am desperate!"
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental. The tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
"I don't know, Doc, she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
A few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near whisper, and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental. The tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
"I don't know, Doc, she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
A few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near whisper, and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."
welcome aboard some of us are ornery old coots but if you do a lot of
reading and don't ask stupid questions you'll be alright most are
big help
Dunder
reading and don't ask stupid questions you'll be alright most are
big help
Dunder
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Hank Reardon
- Site Donor
- Posts: 394
- Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2016 8:02 pm
Re: Jokes
How did North Dakotans make it to America?
One swam, the rest walked on dead fish.
One swam, the rest walked on dead fish.
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jedneck
- Site Donor
- Posts: 3770
- Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 5:16 pm
- Location: drive to the sticks, hang a right past the sticks amd go a couple more miles.
Re: Jokes
nda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda, no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda, no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
welcome aboard some of us are ornery old coots but if you do a lot of
reading and don't ask stupid questions you'll be alright most are
big help
Dunder
reading and don't ask stupid questions you'll be alright most are
big help
Dunder
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Hank Reardon
- Site Donor
- Posts: 394
- Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2016 8:02 pm
Re: Jokes
this is likely on the list. For those joining more recently...enjoy.
"I need to inspect your farm for illegal making of alcohol" said the ABC agent.
I said, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there....."
The ABC officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the unbound authority of the government with me!" Reaching into his pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I'm allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked or answers required from the likes of you. Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!"
I nodded politely, and went about my chores.
A short time later, I heard a commotion, looked up, and saw the ABC officer running for his life being chased by my big, old, mean bull... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he sure enough would get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran for the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs..."Your badge! Show him your fucking BADGE!!"
"I need to inspect your farm for illegal making of alcohol" said the ABC agent.
I said, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there....."
The ABC officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the unbound authority of the government with me!" Reaching into his pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I'm allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked or answers required from the likes of you. Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!"
I nodded politely, and went about my chores.
A short time later, I heard a commotion, looked up, and saw the ABC officer running for his life being chased by my big, old, mean bull... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he sure enough would get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran for the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs..."Your badge! Show him your fucking BADGE!!"
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jedneck
- Site Donor
- Posts: 3770
- Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 5:16 pm
- Location: drive to the sticks, hang a right past the sticks amd go a couple more miles.
Re: Jokes
......
- Attachments
-
welcome aboard some of us are ornery old coots but if you do a lot of
reading and don't ask stupid questions you'll be alright most are
big help
Dunder
reading and don't ask stupid questions you'll be alright most are
big help
Dunder
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FreeMountainHermit
- Site Donor
- Posts: 1769
- Joined: Thu May 12, 2011 6:45 pm
- Location: Two Dogs Holler, West Virginia
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Hound Dog
- Master of Distillation
- Posts: 3002
- Joined: Wed Jul 31, 2013 4:45 pm
- Location: Hounds Hollow, VA
Re: Jokes
- 655b9ae4a3ad9eaa9c7db05b24b34b5c.jpg (13.56 KiB) Viewed 2833 times
LM Still Operating Instructions
Cranky's New Distiller's Advice
Using Google Search
Drinking Rum before noon makes you a Pirate not an alcoholic.
Cranky's New Distiller's Advice
Using Google Search
Drinking Rum before noon makes you a Pirate not an alcoholic.
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Hound Dog
- Master of Distillation
- Posts: 3002
- Joined: Wed Jul 31, 2013 4:45 pm
- Location: Hounds Hollow, VA
Re: Jokes
LM Still Operating Instructions
Cranky's New Distiller's Advice
Using Google Search
Drinking Rum before noon makes you a Pirate not an alcoholic.
Cranky's New Distiller's Advice
Using Google Search
Drinking Rum before noon makes you a Pirate not an alcoholic.
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jb-texshine
- Master of Distillation
- Posts: 3036
- Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2015 12:03 am
- Location: Texan living in Missouri
Re: Jokes
Drunk or sober???skow69 wrote:That one speaks to me. If you can do it in 30 minutes, you win.
Sent from my KYOCERA-C6745 using Tapatalk
Remember not to blow yourself up,you only get to forget once!
Deo Vendice
Never eat Mexican food north or east of Dallas tx!
Deo Vendice
Never eat Mexican food north or east of Dallas tx!
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jb-texshine
- Master of Distillation
- Posts: 3036
- Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2015 12:03 am
- Location: Texan living in Missouri
Re: Jokes
jb-texshine wrote:Drunk or sober???skow69 wrote:That one speaks to me. If you can do it in 30 minutes, you win.
Sent from my KYOCERA-C6745 using Tapatalk
Sent from my KYOCERA-C6745 using Tapatalk
Remember not to blow yourself up,you only get to forget once!
Deo Vendice
Never eat Mexican food north or east of Dallas tx!
Deo Vendice
Never eat Mexican food north or east of Dallas tx!
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cuginosgrizzo
- Site Donor
- Posts: 500
- Joined: Tue Oct 20, 2015 1:41 am
- Location: a land of saints, poets and navigators
Re: Jokes
- eating seafood is good for your memory because it has high phosphorous content.
- do you eat plenty of it?
- of what?
- do you eat plenty of it?
- of what?
Re: Jokes
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rubber duck
- retired
- Posts: 3452
- Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 9:33 am
- Location: brigadoon
Re: Jokes
Why would I want to waste 3 hours of my short life drinking that much water when I could have a beer?FreeMountainHermit wrote:Ain't this the truth.
Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen. John Steinbeck
Re: Jokes
I just realized if you change 4 letters in the word MILK you get BEER! 
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Windy City
- Site Donor
- Posts: 1178
- Joined: Fri Jan 25, 2013 10:52 pm
- Location: Chicagoland
Re: Jokes
I ALMOST DIED TODAY
You see it started with me going out with my wife. We were running around taking care of some things and at one of our stops I saw a horse.
Now I haven't riden in years but I thought why not it might be fun (boy was I wrong).
So I get on the horse and in the beginning everything is fine but then the horse starts going crazy. There I am hanging on for dear life when all of the sudden I get thrown from the horse. My foot was caught in the stirup, the horse is still going crazy and I am on the ground screaming and crying like a baby.
My life is flashing before my eyes and at the last minute right when I thought I was a goner
The manager of the Walmart unplugged the ride.
Here is my assailant.
You see it started with me going out with my wife. We were running around taking care of some things and at one of our stops I saw a horse.
Now I haven't riden in years but I thought why not it might be fun (boy was I wrong).
So I get on the horse and in the beginning everything is fine but then the horse starts going crazy. There I am hanging on for dear life when all of the sudden I get thrown from the horse. My foot was caught in the stirup, the horse is still going crazy and I am on the ground screaming and crying like a baby.
My life is flashing before my eyes and at the last minute right when I thought I was a goner
The manager of the Walmart unplugged the ride.
Here is my assailant.
- Attachments
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The liver is evil and must be punished
Cranky"s spoon feeding for new and novice distillers
http://homedistiller.org/forum/viewtopi ... 15&t=52975
Cranky"s spoon feeding for new and novice distillers
http://homedistiller.org/forum/viewtopi ... 15&t=52975
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FreeMountainHermit
- Site Donor
- Posts: 1769
- Joined: Thu May 12, 2011 6:45 pm
- Location: Two Dogs Holler, West Virginia
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cuginosgrizzo
- Site Donor
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- Joined: Tue Oct 20, 2015 1:41 am
- Location: a land of saints, poets and navigators
Re: Jokes
This one has a ring of truth!
Re: Jokes
My SOH has had to go back to the same greenhouse twice to retrieve her card... Letting the card out of your hand is the worst thing you can let a consumer/customer do because they are usually thinking outside the store already... And not having a terminal for the customer to use just compounds the problem... And software or registers that don't wait for the card to be removed before proceeding is yet another...Bushman wrote:This one has a ring of truth!
Gonna be on par with our previously exclaimed "paperless society"... We use more paper now than we ever did...!!! And any software or algorithm can be figured out sooner or later and used in unintended ways... Technology is a double-edged sword...