Jokes

[Bushman]

[Windswept]

The kid I hired to pick up poop in the yard quit today.

I guess he figured out I don’t have a dog.

#notoiletpaper

[Forest Beekeeper]

Dear Diary;
day #5 of no sports.
I discovered a woman sitting on my couch.
apparently she is my wife, she seems nice.

[cranky]

I just thought of something

If you are working from home and trip over your cat or dog and hurt yourself can you get workman's comp?

[HDNB]

I just thought of something

If you are working from home and trip over your cat or dog and hurt yourself can you get workman's comp?

absofrigginlutely.

[VLAGAVULVIN]

You, Coronafag!
It's on account of you everyone has finally started to keep the hands always clean!

[Tater]

[cranky]

Maybe not a joke but it is funny

[utube][/utube]

[Kareltje]

It indeed is!

[Bushman]

[Yummyrum]

WTF ... I had to google TP’D

Got it

[HDNB]

i'm putting a drink in each room of my house tonite and calling it a pub crawl.

[Bryan1]

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct'', says the manager, now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

[jedneck]

[Bushman]

[Bushman]

[Bushman]

[CaptMorgan]

Strong language but funny among this crazy COVID-19 time.

[Bushman]

I have posted a lot of what I think are clean and not bad Coronavirus jokes to lighten the severity of the situation but as more people are either effected or know someone that is dealing with the virus I have decided not to post anymore jokes dealing with this serious subject. I am trying to be sensitive to what people are going through. Too all our members of the forum please be safe and take care of your family.

[Yonder]

Bushman, yer heart is in the right place but, fuckit especially in serious times we need a laugh. The best laughs are either at our own foibles or the at whats causing the most trouble, in the first place.
That said I’m in my second week in the house with my wife. The say this lockdown may go on for months. My God, have they no compassion? Now I know why the dog chews on the furniture!

[VLAGAVULVIN]

I would chew that f*kin Ikea furniture long before I could finally assemble it all, damn... we have broken the most of our screw drivers and we need to buy some stapples and other small stuff so, hafta drive down the town again and again. I have no panic visiting it. But it's better to jog or ride a bike than care about Ikea.

Who is shitting bricks is my father-in-law. He goes in for welding and makes really nice things. But he gets his eyes full of welding cinder and other angle grinder dross. When it happened twice and we picked him up again to the speshol eye doc I just bought him 3 different protective glasses instead of his own probably bad and untransparent. He was happy to "screw" one of them onto his forehead... maybe, he even went to bed in them. But a couple of days ago they called me to pick them up to the oculist again!!! So, he was sitting in the clinic being in panic to get his own corona there. Wut a f*kin egoistic dolt that watches all those talking heads in his zombo-TV... An hour back he gave me a call again and said I need to bring my garden sprayer to him (as he cannae find his own)... as he needs to protect potatoes from the Colorado beetle. Damn, his garden is snowclad for now. Do I have time enuff till end-June with that sprayer or not? He is to grow up a lot of potatoes as he's not sure the stores will have enuff food in the course of 2020-2021. All this bullshit pushes me to move to the Far East Tundra...

[Yummyrum]

VLAGAVULVIN

I here you man

[VLAGAVULVIN]

Yummie, feel free to remove my msg. above as improper if y'all consider it like that. But sometimes this makes me sure that the truth is out there... and I'm too close to it.

[Yummyrum]

I got now issues with your post ... I get it

[Yonder]

Yummie, feel free to remove my msg. above as improper if y'all consider it like that. But sometimes this makes me sure that the truth is out there... and I'm too close to it.

Improper, hell! It makes me feel like my own problems aren’t worth thinking about. Stay sane, V.

[VLAGAVULVIN]

Thanks and be safe, too.

Hehe, today I was forced out to buy 2 screw-driver sets thru the Internet in a... household appliances chain store, lol. Actually, I paid from my comp and 10 minutes later came to the store by car. The huge store was closed and they handed over these drivers to me just at the doors. And kindly offered to spray my hands, lol. Makes sense or not? Poor remains of the Russian economics... two weeks of lockout more and the zombies will arrive. In contrast to the US, we are not allowed to headshot them. Even if they chew my furniture, my dog or my kids.

[cranky]

two weeks of lockout more and the zombies will arrive. In contrast to the US, we are not allowed to headshot them. Even if they chew my furniture, my dog or my kids.

Just remember rule #2 with zombies = Always double tap

[VLAGAVULVIN]

I'd love to shot douplettes... where's my heap shooting mop handle? Gotta grease it now )))

[DSmith78]

[Saltbush Bill]

Dunno how it is in the rest of the world but flour seems to have disappeared from the shop shelves here.