Jokes

[kiwi Bruce]

Waldo finds himself.

[skow69]

I was filling out an application form yesterday.
The line read: SEX-----M or F ?
So I wrote in:
I prefer to F, but I spend a lot of time alone.

[Bushman]

[Kareltje]

image.jpeg

I do not get the joke.
Who is Lizzie Borden?

[Bushman]

image.jpeg

I do not get the joke.
Who is Lizzie Borden?

http://famous-trials.com/lizzieborden" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow
They wrote a song about the trial. Actually kind of a sick joke!

[Kareltje]

Thanks.
I found something too: https://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lizzie_Borden" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow
She supposedly killed her father and stepmother with an axe.
Nice one!

[heynonny]

"Lizzie Borden took an ax
gave her father 40 wacks
when the job was nicely done
she gave her mother 41"

(I think, 'The Kingston Trio')

or maybe mom was 1st, , ,

[Bushman]

Saw this on extreme woodworking.
Amish chainsaw

[Still Life]

using the Amish chainsaw....

Honey! I cut off my finger!

Oh, dear! The whole finger?!

No. The one next to it.

[apdb]

Saw this one today...

[Bushman]

Years ago I was in Europe and we were having a meal out with my wife's cousins from Norway. I ordered a meal in France, not sure now what it was I ordered but one of the food items I did not like so I made the comment "this tastes like shit" my wife's cousin immediately responded "how would you know".

[cuginosgrizzo]

Y I ordered a meal in France, not sure now what it was I ordered but one of the food items I did not like so I made the comment "this tastes like shit"

maybe you ordered andouillette? You were not that far from the truth then....been there done that.

[still_stirrin]

...I ordered a meal in France, not sure now what it was I ordered but one of the food items I did not like so I made the comment "this tastes like shit"...

maybe you ordered andouillette? You were not that far from the truth then....been there done that.

I found this cullinary comment regarding such, as well: http://www.thegrubworm.com/2010/12/ando ... -of-death/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

Cheers.
ss

[Tater]

Years ago I was in Europe and we were having a meal out with my wife's cousins from Norway. I ordered a meal in France, not sure now what it was I ordered but one of the food items I did not like so I made the comment "this tastes like shit" my wife's cousin immediately responded "how would you know".

Might be taking to big of bites when ya eatin choochie there bush

[Still Life]

Reporter wants to write a story about moonshiners.
Finds an old boy in the hills and asks for a story:

"Well one time my sheep got lost and a bunch of us got some moonshine
went out and found that sheep. We were so liquored up we shagged that sheep."

Reporter can't print that, and asks for another story:

"Well one time my neighbor's wife got lost and a bunch of us got some moonshine
went out and found his wife. We were so liquored up we shagged that wife."

Reporter can't print that either, and asks for an emotional story:

"Well one time I got lost...."

[Still Life]

Cletus the hillbilly is eating at the local truck stop when a lady at the next table starts choking on some food
and frantically jumps out of her seat, grabbing her throat.

"Kin ya talk?" Cletus asks her.
She shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks Cletus.
Again, no.

Cletus goes over, lifts her skirt, drops her panties, and runs his tongue up her left butt cheek.
The woman coughs and screams and the food flies out of her throat.

"Good thing I learnt the Hind Lick maneuver!"

[HDNB]

i know we ain't supposed to go political and such but...



Trudeau and Putin were walking around out in the country enjoying the scenery and the mild fall weather.
On the trail they came across a sheep.
When the sheep tried to get away it got its head caught in the fence next to the trail and was stuck.
Putin smiled, walked behind the sheep and dropped his drawers and had his way with it.
When Putin was done he turned to Trudeau and said, "Go ahead it's your turn!"
Trudeau eagerly walked over and stuck his head in the fence.

[HDNB]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said,
"I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, ...
he had the right credentials. The agent asked,
"What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order
to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to
change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian
name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my
grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together,"
the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope
sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a
check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who
would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the
letter enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to
become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed
to change my name. Determined to make it with my
God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood
with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your
office, I thought about what you said. I decided you
were right. I had to change my name. I had too much
pride to return to your office, so I signed with another
agent. I would never have made it without changing
my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

[HDNB]

Sitting here thinking its been a rough day.

I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.

I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

[Tater]

God was talking to the angles and said fella its time I took a vacation.Going back to Mercury one angles asked ?. No said God went there long time ago. It was to hot. So back to Pluto asked another ? Naw said God to cold .How about earth then ?asked another.NO NO said God went there couple thousand years ago and they still claiming I knocked up this Jewish gal.

[Still Life]

Cletus sees his hillbilly pal Bubba a-comin' down from the hills with a shotgun and a mason jar.
"What'cha doin' Bubba?"
"I came down to drink wit' ya, Cletus!"

Cletus says, "Oh, no, no, no! Your likker is potent awright, but I cain't stand the taste!"
Bubba points his shotgun at Cletus and says "DRINK!" and Cletus is forced to take a big swig.

"Woo-ha that's nasty!!" wails Cletus.

Then Bubba takes the likker jar and says, "OK, Cletus. You hold the shotgun on me and make me drink."

[Bushman]

Next April I will be spending a month in Hawaii at our condo, thinking about ordering this shirt to wear at the pool!

[Bagasso]

Next April I will be spending a month in Hawaii at our condo, thinking about ordering this shirt to wear at the pool!

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They won't be shocked unless you do it from the trampoline.

[Bushman]

At my age I can appreciate this Irish song:

[Still Life]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign hanging over the bar… FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies, “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila.
Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.”

The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

As time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?”

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
“Now” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”

[heynonny]

This cop is hiding in the bushes with his radar all day long trying to catch a speeder. Finally, a Jag goes by at 85-90 mph. Alright! He chases down a drunk, & sez, 'Pal I been waiting for you all day long!' Drunk sez, ' I got here as fast as I could!'

A female cop pulls over the same dude, She sez, 'I'm warning you, anything you say will be held against you!' Dude sez, 'TITS'

[OtisT]

Three most common lies told in Texas:

#3 - "See my pickup truck there? It's paid for."

#2 - "I won this here belt buckle in a Rodeo."

#1 - "I was just trying to help that sheep over the fence."

[Still Life]

A Hatfield is driving down the mountain while a McCoy is heading up the same road.
As luck would have it, they crash head on and jump from their vehicles to feud.

McCoy says, "Let's have a truce for a change!"
and proceeds to pull out a full jar of Honey Bear Shine and hands it to Hatfield whose eyes light up and gulps down half the contents.
"Here ya go," Hatfield says, handing over the diminished jar.

"No thanks," says McCoy while dialing 9-1-1.
"I'll wait 'til the Sheriff gets here."

[Still Life]

The bar closes so the drunk invites his friends over to his apartment.

Showing them around, the guests can't help but notice a large brass gong in the bedroom.
"What's the gong for?" asks one partyer.

"It's my clock." And the drunk hammers the brass gong, deafening everyone.
As the ringing subsides, they all hear from the adjacent apartment, "It's three fucking A.M. you wanker!"

[papapro]

The horney guy looks for sex finds a hooker and they get together having sex at the and of fun he asks her do you feel it
she says no he says you will feel it after 9 months the she says and you after 3 days.