Jokes

Little or nothing to do with distillation.

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kiwi Bruce
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Re: Jokes

Post by kiwi Bruce »

I started drinking to drown my sorrows...come to find out the little bastards can swim!
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Re: Jokes

Post by The Baker »

sltm1 wrote:To True !!!
I have read that Americans have a strange habit of starting a meal with a salad.

Except for salads that are a meal in themselves like a Caesar Salad, we chuck it on the plate beside the meat. More often in summertime; we have veg with the meat in winter, usually.

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Re: Jokes

Post by sltm1 »

No worries mate...there are infinitely more carnivores than herbivores where I live. :clap:
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Truckinbutch
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Re: Jokes

Post by Truckinbutch »

Well , I'm American , by god (Tommy Lee Jones in 'Lonesome Dove') and my salad get's et as dessert after the meat , beans , and taters .
If you ain't the lead dog in the team , the scenery never changes . Ga Flatwoods made my avatar and I want to thank him for that .
Don't drink water , fish fornicate in it .
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Re: Jokes

Post by cob »

well I'm a montanan sometimes we kill our cows before we eat them. rest of the time

we just bring a knife and fork after the cows are done eating the salad.
be water my friend
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Truckinbutch
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Re: Jokes

Post by Truckinbutch »

cob wrote:well I'm a montanan sometimes we kill our cows before we eat them. rest of the time

we just bring a knife and fork after the cows are done eating the salad.
A tip of my hat to you , Sir .
After that , I'll just get back on the porch and sit down .
If you ain't the lead dog in the team , the scenery never changes . Ga Flatwoods made my avatar and I want to thank him for that .
Don't drink water , fish fornicate in it .
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Kareltje
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Re: Jokes

Post by Kareltje »

Not really a joke, but funny nonetheless:

https://www.facebook.com/gleneaglehotel ... 151029831/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow
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heynonny
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Re: Jokes

Post by heynonny »

I'm getting old.

I realized this after chasing a floater with a fly-swatter for 5 minutes, , , ,
  
 
 
       Oh,look!! Its a hole in the space-time contuum!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Truckinbutch »

A youngster was sitting along a park path admiring the clear contents of a bottle when a priest came walking up the path .
"What have you there , my son?"
"The most miraculous liquid in the world , Father ."
"What is it , son ?"
"Turpentine , Father ."
"You are mistaken , son . Holy Water is the most miraculous liquid in the world . You can rub a few drops of it on a pregnant woman's belly and she will pass a perfect baby ."
"Well , Padre , you rub a few drops of this turpentine on a cat's ass and that sumbitch will pass a fuckin Harley-Davidson ."
If you ain't the lead dog in the team , the scenery never changes . Ga Flatwoods made my avatar and I want to thank him for that .
Don't drink water , fish fornicate in it .
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Re: Jokes

Post by Kareltje »

Farmer John bought a piece of land. It was cheap, for it was covered with brambles, shrubs, nettles and the like and of course it could not be ploughed. It took him a year to clean it by hand, furrow by furrow. Then he sow wheat and every sunday after church went to look after it.
One sunday the vicar passed him and said: "Well John, with Gods help you made a good field of it!"
"Yes vicar", John said, "but you should have seen it when god was doing it on his own!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by sltm1 »

Gotta love ole' Chuck !!!
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A Paraphrase of a Joe Walsh Album Title, "The Drinkier I get, The Smokier I Play!!"
Every new member should read this before doing anything else:
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kiwi Bruce
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Re: Jokes

Post by kiwi Bruce »

From a Chinese Fortune Cookie
"Say these three words, great fortune come to you...turn over"
turned it over and the other side said
"to be continued on next fortune cookie"

LOL :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Windy City »

IMG_6317.JPG
The liver is evil and must be punished
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http://homedistiller.org/forum/viewtopi ... 15&t=52975
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Kareltje
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Re: Jokes

Post by Kareltje »

Definitely more than 72 during his life. Not virgins, probably, but that was for the better! :angel:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Still Life »

Bubba and Cletus go to sign up for some college classes to improve themselves.
Cletus signs up for business and math, but Bubba talks to a counselor to see what else is available.

The counselor suggests a Logic class to Bubba, and explains:
"Mr. Bubba, do you own a weed whacker?"
"Why, yes I do!"
"Mr. Bubba, using logic I can deduce you then have a yard. And if you have a yard, you must have a home.
And if you have a home I logically assume you have a wife and are thus not a homosexual."

"Wow!" says Bubba and signs up for the class.

Bubba leaves and sees Cletus waiting for him in the hall.
"I signed up for Logic 101, Cletus!"
"What's Logic, Bubba?"
"Do you own a weed whacker, Cletus?"
"You know I don't"
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
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Windy City
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Re: Jokes

Post by Windy City »

Wheel of Fortune
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The liver is evil and must be punished
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http://homedistiller.org/forum/viewtopi ... 15&t=52975
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Re: Jokes

Post by Still Life »

Bubba & Cletus had a great day fishing when the game warden comes by as they're packing up, and asks for their licenses.

"Ain't got no papers." says Cletus.
"These here fish in the bucket is pets!" says Bubba. "We bring 'em down here to the lake once a week for swimming exercise."
"Yeah," say Cletus, "We let 'em swim around for an hour, whistle, and they all come back."

The warden is losing his patience and threatens to confiscate their gear.

"Here. Let us show you. We do this all the time!" and Cletus dumps the fish in the lake.

The warden says, "Okay. Now whistle and call 'em back!"

"Call wut back?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by jon1163 »

Three guys want to join the CIA so they go to the head agent and tell him they want to join. The agent says, "you're all equally qualified so there's only one way to decide this". Bring your wives here at 1200 tomorrow and I'll see what I can do.

1200 the next day they show up with their wives. The agent sends each wife into a separate room. The agent gives the first guy a gun and says, "go in there and shoot your wife and you can join the CIA. the guy goes into the room and comes back out. He says, "this job doesn't mean that much to me".

The second guy goes into his room and comes back out. He says, "sorry, I love my wife too much. I guess I'm not CIA material."

The agent gives the third guy the gun and he goes into his room. The agent hears a while bunch of commotion, tables and chairs turning over... The guy comes back out. The agent asks, "well did you shoot her"? The guy says, "no, some asshole put blanks in the gun... I had to strangle the bitch."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Still Life »

Bubba and Cletus are walking through the woods when they encounter a large hole in the ground.
"Wow, that's DEEP!" says Cletus. "Let's roll this boulder into the hole and see how deep it is."

They huff and oof, and roll the boulder into the hole.
As they're listening, a goat comes tearing ass through the bushes and jumps down the hole.

A while after Cletus and Bubba ponder the sight, a farmer comes by and asks, "Have you boys seen a goat around here?"
"Why, yes." says Bubba. "He came a-running through here a hunnert miles an hour and jumped down this hole!"

"That's impossible," says the farmer. "He was tied to a boulder."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Still Life »

The local Gas 'n' Puke has been running a contest: "GUESS THE MAGIC NUMBER OF THE DAY, AND WIN FREE SEX!"

Bubba and Cletus pull in to fill up the tractor.
"I ain't won that contest yet, Cletus. I'm beginning to think it's rigged."
"Oh it ain't rigged, Bubba," says Cletus. "My wife wins durn near every week."
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Re: Jokes

Post by iwine »

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved enough money, so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks up the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.

The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

After a couple of months he meets a lady and she asks him to take her home to meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house.

Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to speak and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long 15 minutes the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the girl in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word.

By now he is thinking of what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father shouts, 'Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes.'
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Re: Jokes

Post by Kareltje »

Farmer John's rooster died and he, or rather his hens, needed a new one. So he bought a good looking, proud cock and brought it home.
The cock immediately went to work and fucked all the hens. Then he went on with the geese, the ducks, the peacocks, the turkeys, the swans and all things with feathers. The farmer of course got a bit worried and warned him: "Take it easy or you will die from exhaustion! And I paid a lot for you, but only to keep the hens satisfied!" But the cock went on.

Next morning the farmer found the cock lieing on the ground, eyes closed like dead and a bunch of vultures circling above him. So he kicked the cock, grumbling to himself: "Now you see what comes of it, stupid beast!"
Then the cock opens his eyes and says: "What are you doing, you spoilsport! I was waiting for the vultures to land!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Still Life »

Cletus and Bubba are sitting in a bar talking, when the subject turns to sex.
"What's your favorite position fer makin' love, Cletus?" asks Bubba.
"I used to like missionary style, but now my favorite is The Rodeo."
"Rodeo?" asks Bubba.
"Yeah. You mount her from behind and grab her boobs. Then you say 'These are almost as big as your sister's.' Then ya try and hang on for 8 seconds."
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 »

A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says hey, we have a drink named after you.

Grasshopper says really? you have a drink named Steve?
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 »

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says " we do not serve mushrooms" the mushroom says "why not? I am a fun guy"
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 »

A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 »

A baby seal walks into a bar ,the bar tender say what will you have it says Oh anything but a Canadian Club .
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 »

Guy walks into an exclusive bar, not wearing a tie. Bartender tells him no tie, no service, we have a dress code here. The guy leaves and returns wearing a set of jumper cables draped around his neck as a tie.

Bartender says "Well, I reckon that'll be alright this time - but you'd better not try to start something."
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 »

...a cannibal, walking along a trail runs into a fellow cannibal, and says "I just passed your brother in law, back down the trail"
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 »

Two sandwiches walk into a bar and the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
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