Jokes

[papapro]

The guy walks in to the store the clerk asks can I help you the guy says can I have a pound of polish sausage the clerk
asks you must be polish guy gets realy offended and says because I asked for polish sausage you automaticly assumed that
I am polish or If I asked italian salami you would assume that I am italian or german salami the clerk says no but this is a hardware store.

[papapro]

One guy from Canada goes to New York for a couple of days short vacation goes on the street and see nice looking blond walking back and forth on the street for a moment he thinks probably she is a hooker so he aproches her and ask how about a blow job the blond says no problem he ask how much the blond says 150 $ he says what I can get the blow job in Toronto for 20$ but the blond says guy if I give you a blow job this will be the best blow job you ever had in your life.

He thinks for a while and says what the hell I am on vacations I will treat myself so he agrees. The blond snaps fingers ,the limo pulls over they jump into it drive few blocks to very nice apartment building then they walk into main flor jump into the elevator and go to the penthouse. He thinks probably thats why cost so much.

They go to the bussiness and finaly he had the best ever blow job in his life, very happy at the door he says I have a question for you
the blond says what is all about he says If this blow job cost me 150$ how much would it cost me to get to your pussy the blond says
Sweetheart if I had a pussy I would own this town.

[papapro]

This is Canadian joke.
Newfie comes for short vacation to Toronto goes downtown and on the main intersection sees a felow with a little monkey on the shoulder he aproches him and says you have a very nice monkey.
The guy on the street says this is not only nice monkey this monkey also does the tricks the newfie says really and the guy say do you want to see.
Newfie says OK so guy takes the monkey from his shoulder put it on the ground grabs by the throut and gives a couple of punches on the head and lets it go.

The monkey after receiving few hits starts turning around few times then goes to the guys zipper undo it and sucks hin off.
The newfie says this is amaizing the guy say do you want to try the newfie says NO the guy say comon try it be brave and the newfie says OK buy please do not hit me so hard.

[cranky]

A few months ago my wife bought me a new T-shirt. I love the shirt and wear it often. I was showing it to the guys I work with and only 2 got the joke. I was wondering how many of you get it.

[bilgriss]

You shall be cast into the pit.

[Bushman]

That formula deals with velocity so I am guessing it ties in with your profession as I know it.

[The Baker]

Sorry, my mathematics runs to just past second year high school plus some very basic actuarial studies.
The BA I finished at age 60 was in humanities and a bit of languages.

Geoff

[Still Life]

A few months ago my wife bought me a new T-shirt. I love the shirt and wear it often. I was showing it to the guys I work with and only 2 got the joke. I was wondering how many of you get it.

African or European swallow?

[Kareltje]

Would never have guessed that!
(I was more thinking of swallow as gulp.)

[cranky]

I see a couple of you got it. Here's a little something for those who didn't.

[Bushman]

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

[Kareltje]

I see a couple of you got it. Here's a little something for those who didn't.

Nice one cranky. Beware for the guardian rabbit though!

[Bushman]

For those of you who think it's too dangerous when you travel....you have to be just as careful right here at home. Last night I was just walking down the sidewalk when suddenly out of nowhere, a man came at me with a scissors. I had to act fast, but fortunately I was able to beat him with a rock. It was a close call too, because if I had not been so quick-thinking, I might have tried using a piece of paper instead of the rock. If I had done that, I would have lost the game for sure!

[Kareltje]

Oh yeah, life sucks!

[thecroweater]

@ Bushman , Oh god that was so bad I cracked up laughing.

[Still Life]

Cletus the hillbilly wants a job as deputy so he goes in to talk to the amused sheriff.

"Cletus, you have to pass a test to become deputy." says the sheriff. "What two days begin with a 'T'?"
"uh.. today and tomorry?"

"Good, Cletus. What do you call a baby fly that hasn't grown its wings yet?"
"uh.. a walk?

"Okay, Cletus. Big one. Who shot Abraham Lincoln?"
"uh.. uh.."
Cletus is stumped and is told to go home and think about the answer.

On the way, he meets his friend Bubba who asks how the deputy job went.
"Pretty good!" says Cletus. "They already got me on a murder case!"

[sltm1]

Ruger is coming out with a new gun called, "The Legislator". It's named for our illustrious Congressmen.......................................




It doesn't work and you can't fire it !!!

[Truckinbutch]

Little Susie Dundee was in the edge of her yard digging a large hole in her Mother's flower bed .
Nosey neighbor comes over , concerned about the damage being done to the flower bed .
"What are you doing , Susie ?"
"Digging a hole to bury my dead parakeet ."
"Sweetie , you don't need that big of a hole to bury a dead bird ."
"Oh , yes , I do . It's inside your fucking cat !"

[Kareltje]

And the cat was inside the large dog, who was inside .......

[Still Life]

Bubba calls the sheriff and reports that Cletus is hiding pot in his firewood.

The next day, the law raids Cletus' place and searches his property.
They take axes and tear through his wood pile and come up with nothing.
The sheriff warns Cletus he has his eye on him.

That evening, Bubba calls Cletus. "Did the sheriff chop up all your firewood, Cletus?"
"He sho' did, Bubba!"
"Happy birthday, pal."

[Kareltje]

An old lady is speeding at 100 mph where the limit is 30, so the police chases and stops her.
"Why are you driving so fast here?"
"Well officer, I am in a hurry, this is an emergency!"
"Then what is the emergency?"
"Well officer, I have to reach my destiny before I forget where I need to be."



John and his wife go to a companies party at friday night and John enjoys the free drinks way too much.
Next day in the afternoon he wakes up, head bursting and remebering nothing at all. So he asks his wife: "Did I do something strange, last night?" She say: "You can say that again! You misbehaved so badly that your boss fired you!"
"Oh," John says, "I don't care, I piss on the boss!"
"Yes," says his wife, "that is exaclty what you did!"
John says: "I'll have another job in notime, fuck the boss."
His wife: "Well, that is what I did. And you can go to work like always on monday!"

[Truckinbutch]

During WWII, the Russians trained dogs to run under German tanks with bombs strapped to their backs. Unfortunately, the tanks the dogs were trained to run under were Russian, so they ended up running under the Russian tanks and blowing them up instead.
Bizarre Historical Facts
2. Rebel Party
When the Russian Bolsheviks overthrew the provisional government and stormed the Winter Palace in 1917, their revolution was halted for a few days because the Bolsheviks got ridiculously drunk in the Winter Palace after finding the wine stores.
Bizarre Historical Facts
3. Thanks, Robert
Robert E. Lee’s Virginia estate, named Arlington House, was confiscated by the Union and turned into a cemetery during the war. The idea—supported by Lincoln–was that if Lee should ever return, he would “have to look at these graves and see the carnage that he had created.”
In 1877, George Washington Custis Lee sued the federal government for confiscating Arlington illegally, and the Supreme Court awarded the estate back to him. What did Robert’s son do with an estate littered with dead bodies? He sold it back to the federal government for $150,000.
Civil War - Arlington Facts
Union Soldiers at Arlington House.

[kiwi Bruce]

When the Russian Bolsheviks overthrew the provisional government and stormed the Winter Palace in 1917, their revolution was halted for a few days because the Bolsheviks got ridiculously drunk in the Winter Palace after finding the wine stores.
Bizarre Historical Facts

This story is way better than that...and it's a booze story(My favorites) There is a wine area in Armenian that is the only place outside France that was allowed to call it's Brandy "Cognac" It was of such a high standard that it was collected by the Tsar's, several generations of them. There were 30 plus warehouses of Cognac around the Winter Palace. One of the smaller warehouses was packed up and sent as a gift to Lenin and the Party Bosses...50 thousand bottles of Cognac. The YOUNGEST bottles were said to be 75 years old, the average age it was said was 125 years. The Red Arm, 150 thousand men and woman, didn't just stop... they stopped for three weeks. Guards were places on the warehouses, not to stop the soldiers from drinking all the booze, but to stop them from accidentally burning the barns down. After the last bottle was got, it took five days for the Red Army to recover. Now that's a PARTY!

Vladimir Putin ordered a special bottling of Armenian Cognac to be sold to the public, this spring, to celebrate this 100th anniversary. Unfortunately its only 15 years old (Oh Shut up - Boo Hoo Hoo) and it's at a special reduced price...gotta love the Russian's!

[zapata]

A dad is washing the car with his son.
The son says:
"Can't you just use a sponge like everyone else?"

[papapro]

After the WW2 rusian soldiers were coming back home and stealing everything they could while walking through Poland
the farmers already were plowing the soil for new crops. One of the soldiers wanted to steal the watch from the farmer.
So he asked what time it is , farmer did not think long took the whip stuck in the fresh soil looked at the shade
and answered is noon now. The soldier grabed the whip and say I confiscate that watch.

[sltm1]

Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump and asked, "Judge Ruth Goldberg just died, I'd like to take her place". Trump replied, "It's OK with me, but you better check with the funeral home.

[Bushman]

A 60 years old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship.
She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away
A gentleman approached the lady and said .....
"Ma'am, ...
I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up"
The lady replied, ......
"Sir, if I take my hands off of my hat it will blow away"
"I understand,..ma'am,.....
but ....
you aren't wearing any panties", .....
replied the gentleman.
The lady looked down then ......
backup at the gentleman and said,
*"Sir, .... anything you see down there is 60 years old. I bought this hat yesterday"

[Bushman]

[kiwi Bruce]

So true...So true...when I worked in the jewelry trade, the goal was to finish a hundred repair-jobs in an eight hour day. Each repair was worth, on average, $40...that's $4000 a day...and that's a million dollars a year. An A+ jeweler was worth a million bucks a year to a retail store.

[sltm1]

To True !!!