Jokes

Little or nothing to do with distillation.

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goinbroke2
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 »

Guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head and sits down. The bartender says "That's the weirdest thing I've seen all day."

The frog says "No shit. I just woke up this morning with this thing on my ass."
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
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goinbroke2
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 »

A neutron sits down at the bar and asks the bartender, how much for a beer? For you?, no charge
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
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goinbroke2
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 »

A Pirate walks into a bar.. bartender says " hey buddy do know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants ' ? Pirate says.. Aye.. it's drivin' me nuts !




All right, all right...I gotta get back to work.

Tip your waitress, I'll be here all week....
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
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heynonny
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Re: Jokes

Post by heynonny »

goinbroke2 wrote:A baby seal walks into a bar ,the bar tender say what will you have it says Oh anything but a Canadian Club .
", , , on the rocks"


Photon checks in to a hotel, hotel guy asks 'You have any luggage?"
Photon says "No, I'm travelling light, , , ,"
  
 
 
       Oh,look!! Its a hole in the space-time contuum!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by cuginosgrizzo »

Recent scientific papers have demonstrated that if you eat healthy food, dont' drink, don't smoke, don't swear and do lots of sport, you'll die anyway and you'll live a miserable life.
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thecroweater
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Re: Jokes

Post by thecroweater »

my paternal Granddad told me if ya don't drink smoke or chase fast women ya might not live longer but it sure as heck will feel like it :clap: That old gentleman had some pretty sound advise for a Canuk :thumbup:
Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety. Benjamin Franklin
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Re: Jokes

Post by contrahead »

So I was organizing files and transferring some from one hard drive to the other the other day when I ran across this. This string of insults was captured from and e-mail years ago.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.



SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE - PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp ! knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins ?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE - PART III (Just Great Stuff)


What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong" ;

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one is tall enough to go on the rides.
Omnia mea mecum porto
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cuginosgrizzo
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Re: Jokes

Post by cuginosgrizzo »

contrahead wrote: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
this is so true, why do you put it in the Jokes section? :mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Post by sltm1 »

She was only the jockeys daughter.............
But all the horse manure.
A Paraphrase of a Joe Walsh Album Title, "The Drinkier I get, The Smokier I Play!!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman »

image.jpeg
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papapro
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Re: Jokes

Post by papapro »

Contrahead add this to your list:

Why men die earlier that women....
bacause they want to.

Why women live longer than men
because they dont have wives.

PapaPro
Yes I am a Novice with 40+ years of doing this hobby
distilling is like sex the slower the better and everyone is happy
fermenting is opposit to sex the faster the better
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chixter »

The Boss gets a call from Charlie one of his factory workers. Charlie tells Boss he's feeling under the weather and won' be at work today. Boss says "OK Charlie...feel better, here is some advice. When I'm feeling poorly, I get a hold of my wife and have some good sex with her, and it makes me feel better" Just after lunchtime the Boss is walking the factory floor, he is surprised to see Charlie at his station working away. "I thought you'd be out all day Charlie" Boss says. Charlie answers, "I listened to your advice, and I feel better!" "Works every time" says the Boss proudly. Charlie then says "By the way, your house is really nice too!"
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Truckinbutch
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Re: Jokes

Post by Truckinbutch »

The community I live in is so small that we can't even have a resident 'Town Drunk' . Each of us has to take his/her proportionate responsibility on a rotating basis .
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thecroweater
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Re: Jokes

Post by thecroweater »

Had the same thing back home with village idiot, I got excluded for taking on other folks turns.
Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety. Benjamin Franklin
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Kareltje
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Re: Jokes

Post by Kareltje »

A police was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The police carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, watching an entertaining video on computer. He immediately notices a young girl in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young guy lowers his window. “Oh, yes, officer?”
The police says: “What are you doing?”
The young guy says: “Well Officer, I’m watching something on computer.”
Pointing towards the young girl in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young guy shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the police is totally surprised.A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The officer asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young guy says “I’m twenty three, sir.”
The police asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She will be eighteen in nine minutes.”
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Re: Jokes

Post by HDNB »

Bushman wrote:
image.jpeg
you know what the ring around the bottom of a condom is called?

the wedding ring.
I finally quit drinking for good.

now i drink for evil.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman »

image.jpeg
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thecroweater
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Re: Jokes

Post by thecroweater »

@ Bushman :lol: good one :thumbup:
Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety. Benjamin Franklin
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Re: Jokes

Post by Blarney Stoned »

Ethel checked into a Motel on her 65th birthday; she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age and so decided to risk an adventure.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical

skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs.

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call....

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night... tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!

Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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MichiganCornhusker
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Re: Jokes

Post by MichiganCornhusker »

Blarney Stoned wrote:...you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.
That reminds me of a story.
Way back in the day I used to travel a lot for work.
I got bored one evening and tried out one of those old school phone sex hotlines.

It was my first time calling, so I wasn't really quite sure how it all worked, but the woman on the other end was eager and doing her best to get things moving along.
We started out talking about what we was wearing, then not wearing, and soon we were getting pretty steamed up with the chat.

Things were moving forward, if a bit awkwardly, and at some point she made a break for it.
She says to me "I have my tongue in your ass, how does that feel?"
And then, holding the phone to my ear, I says back "It feels like I'm ordering a pizza, how's it taste?"

click....
Shouting and shooting, I can't let them catch me...
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HDNB
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Re: Jokes

Post by HDNB »

So the traffic cop pulls over a guy in a Bugatti Veyron.

He walks up to the door and looks down at the driver and says "do you know why i pulled you over?"

Buddy in the veyron sez "because i let you ??? "
I finally quit drinking for good.

now i drink for evil.
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Re: Jokes

Post by MaxMondo »

Two termites walk into a bar and ask"is the bar Tender here?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by contrahead »

A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more..

He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were
scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.

He went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.
Omnia mea mecum porto
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Truckinbutch
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Re: Jokes

Post by Truckinbutch »

That story never gets old . :thumbup:
If you ain't the lead dog in the team , the scenery never changes . Ga Flatwoods made my avatar and I want to thank him for that .
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Kareltje
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Re: Jokes

Post by Kareltje »

:clap: :clap: :ebiggrin:
I did not know it, but then of course we have our own tradition with Sinterklaas en Zwarte Piet, in English: Holy Nicolaas and Black Pete at 5 december. :mrgreen: :moresarcasm:
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Re: Jokes

Post by HDNB »

Kareltje wrote::clap: :clap: :ebiggrin:
I did not know it, but then of course we have our own tradition with Sinterklaas en Zwarte Piet, in English: Holy Nicolaas and Black Pete at 5 december. :mrgreen: :moresarcasm:
if your peter is going black, yer squeezing wayyy too hard. go for shades of pink to purple.
I finally quit drinking for good.

now i drink for evil.
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Kareltje
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Re: Jokes

Post by Kareltje »

HDNB wrote:
Kareltje wrote::clap: :clap: :ebiggrin:
I did not know it, but then of course we have our own tradition with Sinterklaas en Zwarte Piet, in English: Holy Nicolaas and Black Pete at 5 december. :mrgreen: :moresarcasm:
if your peter is going black, yer squeezing wayyy too hard. go for shades of pink to purple.
:clap: :clap: :lol: :lol:
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goinbroke2
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 »

Went and saw an old girlfriend last weekend. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex.
Cops started screaming at me and were going to arrest me!

Apparently I was just supposed to identify the body.... :?
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 »

Was out the other night and got laid, was all good until I found out I got the clap!
I mean seriously, how the hell does a 12 year old get the clap anyway?
Obviously my sister hangs out with a shitty crowd!


Little much? :lol:
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
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goinbroke2
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 »

Got caught sniffing my girlfriends sisters panties, worst of it was, her parents walked in with a bunch of friends and everybody saw....

Ruined the whole funeral.
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
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