Jokes

Little or nothing to do with distillation.

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mshinner

Jokes

Post by mshinner » Fri Oct 22, 2004 5:30 pm

Dinner's Ready!

Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law."
The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then."

mshinner

Post by mshinner » Mon Oct 25, 2004 1:04 am

Doe a Deer

What did the bow-legged doe say?


Thats the last time I will do that for ten bucks

Pieterpost
Swill Maker
Posts: 164
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2004 11:15 pm

Post by Pieterpost » Tue Oct 26, 2004 5:08 am

An eskimo takes his car into a shop. The mechanic, after inspecting the car, says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The eskimo says "No, I just have frost on my mustache"

User avatar
Tater
Admin
Posts: 8876
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2004 9:19 am
Location: occupied south

jokes from old fourm

Post by Tater » Tue Nov 09, 2004 5:55 pm

Fourway
(addict)
04/24/04 06:53 PM
Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or drink



Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping in the desert.

They set up their tent and are soon asleep.

Some hours later, Sherlock Holmes wakes his companion. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "Why, I see millions of stars."

"And what does that tell you?" asks Holmes.

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Chronologically it appears to beapproximately quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"

The Sherlock is silent for a moment, then says, "It's elementary my dear Watson. It means that someone has stolen our tent .


"Dad was a drunk with a fishing problem". --Ben Willis

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Anonymous
(Unregistered)
04/24/04 09:34 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or drink [re: Fourway]



Stop me if you heard this one...
A skeleton goes into a bar and says to the bartender..
"Give me a Beer..........and a Mop."

AA

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Fourway
(addict)
04/24/04 10:14 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Anonymous]



I'm almost positive that this item was supposed to be for jokes that aren't about booze or drinking.

"Dad was a drunk with a fishing problem". --Ben Willis

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Anonymous
(Unregistered)
04/24/04 10:57 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Fourway]



Ok, Ok, Ok.......
now I get it.....
Where do you find a dog with no legs?





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Fourway
(addict)
04/25/04 01:13 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Anonymous]



right where you left him I imagine.

"Dad was a drunk with a fishing problem". --Ben Willis

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theholymackerel
(member)
04/25/04 04:03 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Fourway]



Whats brown and sticky?

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Anonymous
(Unregistered)
04/25/04 09:13 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: theholymackerel]



I'm not sure, but I do know "what goes in long and hard, but comes out short and sticky".............................".chewing gum!!"

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theholymackerel
(member)
04/25/04 10:36 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Anonymous]



A stick!
heh
*fall over*

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Brain_Solenoid
(stranger)
04/28/04 02:50 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Fourway]



Sooooo.....................

Mr. Smith is walking back thru his back yard and looks over the fence to see little Sally digging a hole.
"Hey, Sally,", He asks, "Whatcha doin' diggin' that hole?"

"I'm buryin' my fish", Sally responds.

"Isn't that a big hole for a fish?" Mr. Smith replies.

"Not when it's inside your f@#%ing cat!", Sally retorts!

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tater
(enthusiast)
04/28/04 09:35 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Brain_Solenoid] Edit




A reporter goes into the mountains to find an old mountain man and do a story about life in the mountains. After finding one and talking at leanth he asked him what was one of the best times of his life? Well, the old fella says. Once my neighbor Clyde who lives a few ridges over wife Annie got lost. Him me 3 other fellers got our huntin dogs together. Took a gallon of shine and tracked her till we found her. Then we all sat on downed trees drank that shine. Then we bent Annie over a stump and screwed the hell outta her. Damn that was a good time. I cant print that. Tell me about another good time you had. Said the reporter. So the old man says. Well, once old man Jake's who lives in possum holler 17 year daughter Sally went and got lost. Me him 3 other fellers got up our huntin dogs a gallon of shine and went trackin till we found her. Then we sat around on stumps drank our shine and then screwed the hell outta Sally. Damn that was a good time. Reporter said look like I told you I cant print a story like that. Lets try this tell me about the saddest time of your life. Old guy looks at him. His face even has a sad look on it when he begins Well once I got lost in these mountains.


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chupacabra
(stranger)
05/02/04 06:48 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: tater]



thats just wrong lol i love it

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tater
(enthusiast)
05/03/04 12:36 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: chupacabra] Edit




Isn't this the truth!!!

Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are
running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Buford: Buford walked
into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked
him what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she
wrote down his name, address, medical insurance
number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen
minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford
what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote
down his height, weight, a complete medical history
and told Buford to wait in the examining room. A
half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what
he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she gave Buford a
blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his
clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the
doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said,
Shingles. The doctor looked at him and asked,
Where? Buford said, 'Outside on the truck. Where
do you want them?


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Anonymous
(Unregistered)
05/03/04 11:54 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: tater]



A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and phycial, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doctor,"I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that i've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water that I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.

Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immdietely gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It really works! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doctor, "the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."


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Anonymous
(Unregistered)
05/03/04 11:56 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Anonymous]



Pothead here....

How to impress a client

I was in the VIP lounge last week en-route to Seattle. While in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the couch enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreclate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him.

He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?" To which I replied "Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting."



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Anonymous
(Unregistered)
05/03/04 11:58 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Anonymous]



A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters.........

"He's the pizza delivery guy!"


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pothead
(member)
05/03/04 12:00 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Anonymous]



Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."


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pothead
(member)
05/03/04 12:02 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: pothead]



Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."


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theholymackerel
(member)
05/04/04 12:15 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: pothead]



There been some pretty good jokes here, but I've still been waitin' for somethin' better than: What's brown and sticky?...a stick!

heh

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Fourway
(addict)
05/04/04 04:00 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: theholymackerel]



Yes... that may well be the finest joke ever composed.

"Dad was a drunk with a fishing problem". --Ben Willis

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Aaron
(Unregistered)
05/04/04 08:51 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Fourway]



I shall do my best...

What's brown, and sounds like a bell?
<
<
Dunggggg!!!


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Yttrium
(journeyman)
05/05/04 02:04 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Aaron]



That joke sort of reminds me of a Trvial Persuit type game called Dirty Minds. You are given clues and have to guess what is being described, and to make things interesting, all the clues are dirty and the answers are all clean. Here are some examples:

Q: What is long and hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine
Q: Schwarzeneger has a long one, Bush has a short one, and the Pope doesn't use his. What is it?
A: A last name
Q: What is a 4 letter word for a woman that ends in U-N-T?
A: Aunt




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Anonymous
(Unregistered)
05/05/04 11:03 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Yttrium]



That reminds me of the quick hit:

What goes in long and hard,
but comes out short and sticky ?
(long pause)........................Chewing Gum!!!

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Knuklehead
(journeyman)
05/12/04 07:37 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Anonymous]



Steve is a popular guy that everyone likes. Every where Steve goes poeple say "hello, how are you Steve" Steve is also a freindly guy and has two freinds Todd and Rob whom no one can stand.
One day Steve is killed in a car crash and his body is badly burned and disfigured. Steve has no relatives and no one knows him well enough to be able to identify the body exept his two good freinds Todd and Rob. The Mortician calls them in to see if they can identify the body as being Steve. Once the two arrive at the morgue before showing them the body the Morticain tells Todd and Rob that the body as burned very badly and the face is no longer recognizable but the two say there will not be a problem and tell the Mortitian "if you flip him over we will be able to make the identification". The Mortition looks puzzled and asks "how are you going to identify him from behind?" Todd says " you see, Steeve has two assholes so we'll just have a look and if the body has two assholes then it is Steve" Rob nods in agreement. The Mortitian then asks the boys "what makes you think that Steve has two assholes" to which Rob responds " because every where the three of us went people always said Hey, there's Steve with the two assholes"

I am Canadian

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Knuklehead
(member)
05/23/04 10:42 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Knuklehead]



Tom and Helen just had a baby girl and it was the picture of health except for the fact that the baby was born with not ears. Bill and Sandra where friends of Tom and Helen and the also had a son...........little Johnny. One day Tom and Helen invited Bill and Sandra over to see there new addition to the family. Bill and Sandra accepted the invitation with some hesitation because you see little Johnny was a little insensitive and they where very afraid of what he might have to say about a baby with no ears. Finally the day came and Bill, Sandra and little Johnny went over to Tom and Helen's to see the new baby. Before they got out of the car Sandra had a talk with Johnny and said “ Johnny, the baby was born with no ears but she is still beautiful and I don't want you to say anything bad, ok? Little Johnny agreed and they proceeded to the door of the house. There to greet them was Tom, Helen and the new baby. Little Johnny stepped up and knelt before the baby and said “Wow, what perfect little feet she has” and his mom agreed. Then he said “ And her little hands and fingers are also perfect” and his mother said “Yes your right little Johnny”. Little Johnny touched the baby’s face and smiles as he said “And look at those eyes…….are they perfect?” as he looked up at the babies mother. Helen smiled back at him and said “Yes Johnny they are perfect, the doctor said she had 20/20 vision". Little Johnny looked back at the baby and said “That’s good ‘cause this little fucker will never wear glasses”

I am Canadian

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theholymackerel
(member)
05/27/04 02:56 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Knuklehead]



I used to work at an orange-juice factory... I got fired 'cause I couldn't concentrate.

Heh.

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Fourway
(addict)
05/27/04 11:29 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: theholymackerel]



God Calls George Bush, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates to an emergency meeting and tells them that the world is ending in 48 hours and they need to go back and get the people prepared.

George Bush calls his cabinet together and says "I have some good news and some bad news: The good news is that God does exist and he has spoken to me personally. The bad news is that the world is ending tomorrow."

Boris Yeltsin Calls an emergency meeting of the government and says "I have some good news and some bad news: The good news is that God does exist and he has spoken to me personally. The bad news is that the world is ending tomorrow."

Bill Gates calls his management staff together and says "I have some good news and some great news: The good news is that god thinks I'm one of the three most important people on earth. The great news is that you can stop trying to fix all the security holes in Outlook."


"Dad was a drunk with a fishing problem". --Ben Willis

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theholymackerel
(member)
05/27/04 11:56 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Fourway]



What do ya call a deer with no eyes?


No eye-deer.

(heh)

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Knuklehead
(member)
05/28/04 12:30 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: theholymackerel]



Alright theholymackerel, here's one for you.....
what do you call a fish with no eye's?...............
You call it a fsh............I meen it no, what's brown and sticky but what do you think? It's works better as a verbal joke but I think it gets the job done.


I am Canadian

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kahluaman
(stranger)
05/28/04 11:35 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Knuklehead]



Two little brothers, aged six and eight, decide it's time to
learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the
six-year-old, "Okay, you say ass, and I'll say hell."

All excited about their plan, they trooped downstairs, where
their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw,
hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."

His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out
of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you
have?"

"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."


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tater
(enthusiast)
05/30/04 04:18 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: kahluaman] Edit




Bubba and Jimmy Joe



One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened.
We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere.
Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!"



"Bubba, you're a smart man!.
Them clothes woulda never fit you!"



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theholymackerel
(member)
05/31/04 12:04 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: tater]



That's great!

:-)

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Fourway
(addict)
06/13/04 01:56 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: theholymackerel]



Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

"Dad was a drunk with a fishing problem". --Ben Willis

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LeftLaneCruiser
(journeyman)
06/23/04 04:03 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Fourway]



It's e very stormy night, raining cats and dogs. In the midle of the night there is a knock at the door of the motel. The owner opens up and sees a man and his dog, soaked to their skin. The man sais:" Please let me stay for the night. My car broke down and I have walked two and a half hours till I saw this motel."
"Sorry, can't do" the owner replies, "I'm full."
"Just let me have a couch.." the man tries. But the owner sais:"I'm sleeping on it myself, so busy I even let my own bed." And he slams the door in the face of the man. As the man walks away the door opens again. Hopefully he turns around and sees the owner of the motel in the doorway, saying to him:"Leave the pooch here. This is no weather to send a dog out."

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Anonymous
(Unregistered)
06/24/04 09:59 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: LeftLaneCruiser]



This joke came from my kids list of jokes he heard at summer camp.

"What do you call the useless skin around the vagina?"




"A Woman!!!"

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theholymackerel
(enthusiast)
06/24/04 11:22 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Anonymous]



That is the most offensive joke I ever heard. What was yer point of sharin' it? Parental pride?

My G'pa (god rest his soul) would've kicked yer ass if ya said it in front of him.

The apple don't fall far from the tree, so you must be a little shit too.




Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
-Mark Twain


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Anonymous
(Unregistered)
06/25/04 10:22 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: theholymackerel]



coming from a 'momma's boy' like yourself, no wonder you liked the Bubba Joke so much "Bubba, you're a smart man!.
Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
Make your Mother Proud, Gay Proud that is....
Sorry if you didn't get the joke...maybe you should ask you Mother what a vagina is you prick!!!!

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theholymackerel
(enthusiast)
06/25/04 11:10 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Anonymous]



Joke? What joke ya little prick? It was straight on woman bashin'. Yer the woman hatin' faggot... you and yer shit kid.

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
-Mark Twain


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theholymackerel
(enthusiast)
06/25/04 11:37 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: theholymackerel]



I'm gonna calm down and stop replyin' to this jerk. I'm sorry if I offended anyone other than the poster (I intended to offend him). I am quite suprised that no-one else told off this woman hater.

The reason I'm so upset is my wife read his "joke" first and came to me and told me she was offended and asked me when did the boards became a hate group? My father and my G'pa raised me to be a "gentleman" and part of that is to NEVER pick on women, and allways defend them.

I think I shouldn't be alone here in tellin' this guy to get outta here with his hate. It don't belong on these boards.

If ya'll regulars on this board don't think his "joke" was too bad then try tellin' it to yer wife or yer mother. I guarentee ya they WILL be offended... then come back here and tell him "NO MORE!"

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
-Mark Twain


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Anonymous
(Unregistered)
06/25/04 11:49 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: theholymackerel]



Should have known you were PW!
Get over it. It was sooooo 8th grade, or did you get that far?

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theholymackerel
(enthusiast)
06/25/04 12:36 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Anonymous]



I'll ignore yer taunts and stick to the facts:
1) This is a board for sharin' info about distillation. Hate material doesn't belong here.
2) Women read these boards.
3) You offended my wife. That was wrong.
4) Maybe I shouldn't care so much, but my upbringin' says otherwise.
5) I feel you should apologise for bringin' hate material to these boards.

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
-Mark Twain


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tater
(enthusiast)
06/25/04 12:47 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: theholymackerel] Edit




Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

First kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A Circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."


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tater
(enthusiast)
06/25/04 12:52 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: tater] Edit




Told my wife the vigina joke she laughed and replyed you know why men are like carpet? you lay em right and you can walk on em for years. Guess its whatever strikes you funny .

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LeftLaneCruiser
(journeyman)
06/25/04 03:49 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: theholymackerel]



Have to say that I'm with THM on this.

If you're brave enough to post 'jokes' like that, put your heart where your big mouth is and be at least brave enough to post them with a name next to it.
Instead of being "Anonymous"...

Karst


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LeftLaneCruiser
(journeyman)
06/25/04 04:00 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: tater]



Liked Taters joke though.

Also, in my opinion there is a slight difference in tone between the two jokes. Will try to explain:
The first joke makes a statement using IS A ..., the second makes a comparison using the phrase IS LIKE.. after that you can see for yourself if you agree.

This slight difference is what we call 'nuance' .

KJH

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Yttrium
(journeyman)
06/25/04 05:49 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: LeftLaneCruiser]



Unfortunately the written language doesn't have anywhere near the complexity of the spoken word. Depending on the tone of your voice, inflections, and the situation, the same joke can be either highly insulting or very funny.

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Anonymous
(Unregistered)
06/25/04 06:00 PM
Joke for Mrs. Holelyshortcurls [re: LeftLaneCruiser]



You crack me up...Leftlanecruser....found none listed in the phone book. Anyway, need two names for this joke, hear it goes:


Holymac and Littlelefty go into this bar and order some drinks on the rocks. When the drinks arrive Littlelefty says,
"Look, the ice cubes have holes in them. Holymac have you ever seen ice cubes with holes in them?" Holymac replies, "Yea, I married one!"


Now, I must appologize for affending anyone and will now leave. It appears the old saying is true. "It's only funny till someone gets hurt....then it's hilarious!!!

Holymac, do not reply because this thing has reached 'critical mass' and your reaction is more funny than any joke posted. Don't fall for it and give this forum any more cheap laughs!!

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Knuklehead
(member)
06/25/04 06:47 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Yttrium]



I think that any joke can be funny in the right place at the right time. I tell many off colour jokes but only to people who know me as a person and know my intent is not to hurt anyone. I have heard "the joke" before and most likely laughed at it but I was surprised to read it hear. I really can appreciate tater's wife's response with a little joke of her own thought since my wife would do the same. It's really important to take into the consideration the company you are in before you speak. I don't think the poster is necessarily a woman hater (he may be, I don't know) Just didn't really consider that some of the people who read this forum may be offended by such a joke. I think it's cool to speak up and say when you are offended so it doesn't happen again. Now lets hope this doesn't happen again and lets get the jokes flowing again alright.

I am Canadian

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Anonymous
(Unregistered)
06/25/04 07:42 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Knuklehead]



How do you know the Anonymous poster is male? Could be 'A Woman' with a sense of humor.
Let the Jokes flow again!!!!

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kahluaman
(newbie)
06/28/04 03:29 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Anonymous]



Please stop all this nonsense! I know that(as any self respecting redneck should) the useless skin around the vagina is the SHEEP!! DAMNIT!!

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tater
(enthusiast)
07/01/04 02:18 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: kahluaman] Edit




One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."



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cartouche
(stranger)
07/03/04 01:11 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: tater]



A lady goes to a pet shop and buys a parrott.
At home she puts him on a perch in her bed-room.
In the evening when she goes to undress the parrott looks at her and says: -Hey nice ass!-
The lady puts the parrott in the fridge, after 5 minutes she pulls him out and says: -Now if you are fresh again, I will put you in the freezer!-
She puts him back on the perch and continue to undress.
The bird looks over and says: - Hey, nice tits!-
In the freezer he goes!
The parrott sees a frozen chicken in the freezer and says:
-Hey what d'you do, ask for a BJ?-

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cartouche
(newbie)
07/03/04 04:29 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: cartouche]



A chemist friend of mine is working on a new product:
It's called VIAGRA LIGHT !
It will not give you a hard on but it will make you look very special in a bathing suit !

Post Extras:

linw
(journeyman)
07/09/04 07:11 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: tater]



Paddy and Mike are flying a plane from England to the States and this is their first time. Finally, they line the plane up for the descent and Paddy says to Mike, "Shee, this is a very short airfield". And Mike replies, "Yea, but look how wide it is!".

OK, it sounds betetr in an Irish accent!!!

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tater
(enthusiast)
08/20/04 10:55 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: linw] Edit




A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.
Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"





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grayson_stewart
(journeyman)
08/21/04 09:42 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: tater]



A new Bra has been invented!

A scientist from Texas A&M University has
invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from
jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing
through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the
invention, a large group of men took the
scientist outside and kicked the shit out
of him...


Good things may come to those who wait. But only the things left by those who hustle.

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tater
(enthusiast)
08/22/04 09:37 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: grayson_stewart] Edit




This morning--from a cave somewhere in Pakistan--Taliban Minister of
Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action
against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of
convenience store managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next.

It's getting ugly.


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cartouche
(journeyman)
08/28/04 10:08 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: tater]



If you need to use a condom a secon time, turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it !

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tater
(enthusiast)
08/31/04 11:28 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: cartouche] Edit




Singing in Church !

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED
CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE."
The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER."
The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD".

The Pastor said "SEX"
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all
nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in! the back of the church, a little old
87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."



Theres more old drunks then there are old doctors

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DrippingSprings
(stranger)
09/01/04 01:43 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: tater]



A farmer was sitting in his living room watching the news at noon. His oldest boy walks in and sits beside him and says. "Pops I am going on 18 and I really could use a car" the farmer looks at his son and says "go look out that window son" Boy looks and sees a tractor. Father says "I have to pay for that tractor so we can make a living and feed ourselves. When it is paid for you can have a truck" Boy was disappointed but he understood.

Then a couple hours later his thirteen year old daughter comes in and sits beside him. She says"Pops I sure would like a bike. All my friends have one and I dont " He shows her the tractor and repeats about having to pay for the tractor etc. She was disappointed but she understood.

That evening he was out by the barn and his youngest boy age 3 walks over to him and says "Pops I sure would like to have a tricycle" Farmer points to the tractor and says "See that thing son? We have to have it to survive. We need it for our food and to raise crops to make money. When its paid for I will buy you a tricycle" The little boy got really pissed. He looked over and about that time the ol Rhode Island Red rooster topped a hen and was riding her for all she was worth. The lilboy quickly runs over and kicks the rooster hard as he could, sending it flying across the barnyard.

The farmer yelled "WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT? WHAT DID THAT POOR ROOSTER EVER DO TO YOU?!!!!"

Lil boy looks back at his paw and says

"AINT NOBODY RIDING A DAMNED THING AROUND HERE UNTIL THAT F'ING TRACTOR GETS PAID OFF!!!!!!"

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tater
(addict)
09/02/04 08:37 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: DrippingSprings] Edit







My friend Ed worked in a pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help.


After six months, his therapist gave up. He advised Ed to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.


Ed tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it and was immediately fired from his job. Gasping she ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down
his pants and boxer shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Ed tearfully replied, "I think she got fired, too."










Theres more old drunks then there are old doctors

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cartouche
(member)
09/02/04 09:07 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: tater]



A bear, imagine that, a big fat ugly black bear is taking a shit in the woods.
A little fluffy cotton tail rabitt happen to come by, so the bear says: - Hey rabitt, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur ?-
The rabitt says: - No, no problems at all.-
So the big fat bear grabs the rabitt and wipes his ass with it !

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Anonymous
(Unregistered)
09/04/04 01:29 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: cartouche]



A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are get'en on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kinda language in this house young man. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat, and remember there is no smoking on this train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added...."For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"

Post Extras:

Anonymous
(Unregistered)
09/04/04 01:54 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Anonymous]



A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS- SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150- page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second a nd then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...

Now give me back my dog."



Post Extras:

grayson_stewart
(member)
09/07/04 12:06 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: Anonymous]



Hunger pangs.....

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon
and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
she asks.

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now."

"It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like
maybe
a juicy steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or
tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Good things may come to those who wait. But only the things left by those who hustle.

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tater
(addict)
09/14/04 07:05 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: grayson_stewart] Edit




A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
> plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
> $1,000,000.
> If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone
> money.
> And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
> pushover.
>
> It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own
> nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
>
> Is it
>
> A) the condor;
> B) the buzzard;
> C) the cuckoo; or
> D) the vulture?"
>
> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly
> on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience
Poll
> Lifeline.
>
> All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped
> against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only
> friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the
> contestant had no alternative.
>
> She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
> The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The
> cuckoo."
>
> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
> employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
that
> her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde,
> that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the
> blonde had responded with such confidence,such certitude, that the
> contestant could not help but be persuaded.
>
> "I need an answer," said Regis.
>
> Crossing her fingers, the contestant said,
>
> "C: The cuckoo."
>
> "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
>
> "Yes, that is my final answer."
>
> Two minutes later, Regis said, >"I regret to inform you that that answer
> is...
> absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
>
> Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends -
> including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
>
> "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"Because
> of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire.
> And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you
> answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the
> way... how did you happen to know the right answer?"
>
> "Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
> nests. They live in clocks."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Theres more old drunks then there are old doctors

Post Extras:

mshinner
(newbie)
09/17/04 02:14 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or drink [re: Fourway]



On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a lenght of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on a Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmers bike, the chcken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, bet pals.

Afew weeks later the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the hourse to save his life.

the horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? ( you betchya)




(scroll down)
















"when you're hung like a horse, you Don't need a Harley to pick up
Chicks..............




Post Extras:

Knuklehead
(enthusiast)
09/20/04 10:13 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or drink [re: mshinner]



A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, Father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree", says the Priest. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts,and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any
harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh Father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true, Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father that's wonderful!"
"Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."




I am Canadian

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tater
(addict)
09/24/04 11:58 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or drink [re: Knuklehead] Edit




The preacher's, Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies".
He asked how many had forgiven their enemies?
About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
Now about 80 percent held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three."she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said loudly and proudly,
"I outlived those bitches."




Theres more old drunks then there are old doctors

Post Extras:

mshinner
(newbie)
09/28/04 01:40 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or drink [re: tater]



Why don't cannibals eat clowns?



because they taste funny.

My 9 year old dauter told me that joke.

Post Extras:

Anonymous
(Unregistered)
09/30/04 12:38 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or drink [re: mshinner]



whats the difference between and piano and a tuna fish???
you can tune a piano but you can not tune a fish. hahaha just kidding it wasnt that funny but since rocky said it think its cool to me

Post Extras:

grayson_stewart
(enthusiast)
10/09/04 08:46 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or drink [re: Anonymous]



A man and his wife were getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know,dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to him and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for him will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at the Mid-Town Memorial Chapel.

Good things may come to those who wait. But only the things left by those who hustle.

Post Extras:

thedude
(journeyman)
10/11/04 07:32 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or drink [re: grayson_stewart]



testing

Post Extras:

mshinner
(journeyman)
10/14/04 09:39 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or drink [re: grayson_stewart]



A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son


Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma














Post Extras:

linw
(enthusiast)
10/15/04 06:54 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: mshinner]



Gotta say I had a few laughs there!!

Cheers, Lindsay.

Post Extras:

tater
(addict)
10/18/04 10:09 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: linw] Edit




Why did the chickin cross the road ? GEORGE W BUSH: We don't really care why the chicke
n crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. Our side of the road is the right side of the road and the chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground for any chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road... I am now against it.

COLIN POWELL: To the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

DONALD RUMSFELD: I have known about the chicken crossing the road for several months. I was investigating why the chicken moved but didn't feel it was necessary to alert anyone.

HANS BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, God-fearing, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any inside information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Cold and alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

AL GORE: That was my chicken. I invented the chicken, as well the road that it crossed over.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together peacefully.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historic inevitability.

CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying
sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just witnessed eChicken of 2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook...and Internet Explorer is an integral part of echicken

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken crossing?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?



Theres more old drunks then there are old doctors

Post Extras:

theholymackerel
(addict)
10/18/04 10:28 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: tater]



TheHolyMackerel: I'm not chicken!!! What road???

Post Extras:

PieterPost
(journeyman)
10/20/04 03:53 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: theholymackerel]



An eskimo takes his car into a shop. The mechanic, after inspecting the car, says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The eskimo says "No, I just have frost on my mustache"


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tater
(addict)
10/21/04 11:45 PM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: PieterPost] Edit




Subject: women drivers


This morning on the Interstate,
>
> I looked over to my
> left and there was a
> woman in a brand new
> Cadillac doing 65 mph with her
> face up next to her rear view mirror
> putting on her eyeliner.
>
> I looked away for a couple seconds
> and when I looked back she was
> halfway over in my lane,
> still working on that makeup.
> As a man, ! ; I don't scare easily.
> But she scared me so much;
> I dropped my electric shaver,
> which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
> In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
using
>my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked
> my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee
> between my legs, splashed, and burned
> Big John and the Twins,
> ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected
an
>important call.
> Darn those women drivers



Theres more old drunks then there are old doctors

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cartouche
(enthusiast)
10/22/04 09:09 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: tater]



This is one of the short stories from one of my favorite books "Pissing in the snow" by Vance Randolph.

An Arkansas boy was fixing to get married but just a few days before the wedding he called the whole thing off.
The boy's old man wanted to know what has went wrong all of a sudden."Paw", says the boy, "I been feeling around in Fanny's pants and I found out she's a virgin. That's why I decided not to marry her.'
The old man was considerable set back, because he never figured on anything like that. "You done right, son" says he. "If that girl ain't good enough for her own kinfolks, she ain't good enough for us either!"

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tater
(addict)
10/22/04 09:45 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: cartouche] Edit




Back in the old days little Johnny's dad figurein he old enough for sex. Says son. Take this turkey down to that big white house at the end of town with the red light on the porch. Knock on door and tell Miss Mable your ready to learn the ways of the world. So off toward town with turkey over his shoulder heads little Johnny, As he passes his grandmas house she's sitting on porch she ask him where he's heading he tells her he s off to learn the way of the world at Miss Mables. She says well sonny grandma really likes turkey come on in and granny will show you the way of the world. He goes in granny shows him the way of the world and sends him home. Well after supper and when his moms off washing dishes his dad says son what do you thing of the way of the world? He says boy dad I really liked it. Which gal at Miss Mables you have dad asks? Oh none of em says Johnny didn't make it that far granny showed me the ways of the world. What his dad shouted you mean to tell me you was out screwing my momma you little S-O-B !!! Little Johnny looks him dead in the eye and says why not you big S-O-B you screw mine don't ya

Theres more old drunks then there are old doctors

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tater
(addict)
10/22/04 10:11 AM
Re: Jokes that aren't about distilling, booze or d [re: tater] Edit




Hunting lesson


A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.

"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. When the bear breathed down my neck, I didn't move a muscle. When the skunk climbed over my shoulder, I closed my eyes. And I held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take them with us? Well, I guess I just panicked."


Theres more old drunks then there are old doctors

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Bobbitt Family Update

Post by Tater » Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:35 am

Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena
Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the
same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper
thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to
be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with ...



(scroll down)











A Misdewiener!


OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to
somebody
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mshinner

Post by mshinner » Sun Nov 21, 2004 1:13 am

Computer Breasts

Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :)
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
o o a cups
{ O }{ O } d cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) pierced breasts
(p)(p) breasts with tassled pasties
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
|oo| android breasts

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Post by Tater » Mon Nov 22, 2004 12:44 pm

> One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
> despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
>
> The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
>
>
>
> The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
>
> "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down
> here. You a drinking man?"
>
> "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
>
>
>
> "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
> Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink
> till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
>
>
>
> The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
>
> "You a smoker?" the demon asked.
>
> "You better believe it!"
>
> "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the
> world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're
> already dead, remember?"
>
> "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
>
> The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
>
> "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
>
> "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
> poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You
> into drugs?"
>
> The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
>
>
>
> "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of
> crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all
> the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
>
> "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
> never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
>
> The demon said, "You gay?"
>
> "No."
>
> "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
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Post by Tater » Mon Nov 22, 2004 5:45 pm

A big earthquake, 8 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million
Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.


The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to
start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in
shock.


Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.


The European community is sending food and medical supplies.


The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement
Mexicans.


God Bless America
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bras

Post by Tater » Fri Nov 26, 2004 11:47 am

RELIGIOUS BRAS
> >
> > A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City.
> >
> > He told the saleslady "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size
36B."
> >
> > With a quizzical look the saleslady asked? "What kind of bra?"
> >
> > He repeated "A Baptist Bra" - My wife said to tell you that she wanted a
> >
> > Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted.
> >
> > "Ah, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't get as many
> >
> > requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the
> >
> > Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
> >
> > Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the
> >
> > differences?"
> >
> > The lady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic
> >
> > type supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, the
> >
> > Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
> >
> > He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is
> >
> > the Baptist type for?"
> >
> > "They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."
> >
> >
>
****************************************************************************
*******
> >
> > Bra Sizes:
> >
> > Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F,G, and H are the
> >
> > letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but
> >
> > couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you
> >
> > became informed!
> >
> > {A} Almost Boobs.
> >
> > (B} Barely there.
> >
> > {C} Can't Complain!
> >
> > {D} Dang!
> >
> > {DD} Double dang!
> >
> > {E} Enormous!
> >
> > {F} Fake.
> >
> > {G} Get a Reduction.
> >
> > {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up.
> >
>
>
>
>
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Post by Tater » Wed Dec 01, 2004 4:48 am

Subject: Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0



Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow
down in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.


Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I've tried running NAGGING 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail. What can I do?

Desperate

dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband
1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2.

Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and
Flowers 7.0.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence
2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Television 6.1. Television 6.1 is a very bad program
that will create Loud noises ( WAV files) and does not get deleted.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food
3.0 and Cheerfulness 2.0.



Good Luck,
Tech Support
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What beats a princess??

Post by Tater » Thu Dec 02, 2004 5:01 pm

What beats a princess??

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he
served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came
Swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers. "Captain Marvey
has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane
shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that
would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather
exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me
over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, with! out missing a beat,"Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, b i t c h."
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lawyers.

Post by Tater » Fri Dec 03, 2004 11:40 am

A busload of lawyers were driving down a country road, when all
of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in
an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.
He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the lawyers.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed
bus, and asked the farmer where all the lawyers had gone. The old
farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old
farmer,

"You mean they were ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't,
but you know how them lawyers lie."
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Post by knuklehead » Sun Dec 12, 2004 11:15 am

A gynecologist became fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the
verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a
mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was
involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and
learned all he could. As the time for the practical exam approached,
the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam
with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to
find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called
the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an
outstanding result, but I was wondering if there had been an error
which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you
took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total
mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which was also
worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an
extra 50%, because you did it all through the muffler."
... I say God bless you, I don't say bless you ... I am not the Lord, I can't do that ...
Dane Cook

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Post by knuklehead » Sun Dec 12, 2004 11:19 am

This is just for your Christmas information file:


According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known -- ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
... I say God bless you, I don't say bless you ... I am not the Lord, I can't do that ...
Dane Cook

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Post by knuklehead » Sun Dec 12, 2004 11:21 am

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver can't
stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a
question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you" She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would findoffensive." Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess,I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
... I say God bless you, I don't say bless you ... I am not the Lord, I can't do that ...
Dane Cook

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Post by Grayson_Stewart » Sat Jan 01, 2005 11:27 pm

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba,said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!

""Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.""What fer?" asked Bubba."Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?""No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Post by Grayson_Stewart » Sat Jan 01, 2005 11:35 pm

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Alabama. Upon entering a church, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in the South now, and it's a local call.
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Guest

Post by Guest » Thu Jan 13, 2005 4:18 am

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender
to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses
and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks.
Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they
toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51
days?"




One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had
written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

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Post by Tater » Sat Jan 29, 2005 12:22 pm

Bill's friend Bob goes to the U. S. Forest Service Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service"?

"Yes" he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment."

The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way"?

The guy says, "Yes . . . a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours
are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M."

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls . . . no point in you coming in for that."
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Post by Tater » Sat Jan 29, 2005 12:27 pm

God Bless Bubba - City Councilman from Midland, TX,
(finally, a politician with a brain)

City Councilman ejected from studio:

T. Bubba Bechtol, part time City Councilman from Midland, TX, was asked
on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the
allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his
ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables
will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say":

"Red is positive"

"Black is negative"
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Post by Fourway » Sat Jan 29, 2005 3:34 pm

only part of that story is true though.

T.Bubba Bechtol is a stand up comedian on the country and western music circuit (similar to how Jeff Foxworthy started out) he MCs around nashville and ocasionally appears on the grand ole opry.

that joke really is part of his routine and it really does get him a lot of applause... the rest of his jokes aren't half as good.
"a woman who drives you to drink is hard to find, most of them will make you drive yourself."
anon--

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joke

Post by Uncle Jesse » Thu Feb 03, 2005 12:07 pm

what have you got if you have a mothball in each hand?

an enormous moth.
If only the best birds sang, the woods would be silent.

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Post by knuklehead » Thu Feb 03, 2005 7:15 pm

A man walks up to a woman in the street and says to her "Excuse me miss, I hope you don't mind me saying that you have spectacular breasts" The woman looks at him in disbelief but responds "Thanks, I guess". Then the man says to the woman "If I where to give you $10 would you let me bite your breasts?" at which point the woman is appalled and pushes the man away saying "NO, you sick bastard". The man is persistent and raises his price "What if I where to offer you $100, then would you let me bite your breasts?" the woman starts to walk away and says to him there is no amount of money that would convince me to let you do such a thing". Again the man is persistent and starts to walk after her "What about $1000, then would you let me?", She stops and says "look, I told you there is no amount of money now get away from me" The man makes one last attempt "Excuse me miss but are you telling me that if I where to offer you $10,000 you would not let me bite your breasts?" and this stopped the woman in her tracks. "$10,000?, OK" she says "lets go into this alley. The man follows the woman into the alley where she proceeds to remove here blouse and bra. "Wow" the man says "the are truly spectacular" as he starts to rub and squeeze them. For a few minutes he caresses the woman's breasts and now she starts to get impatient and says "Well are you going to bite them or what?" to which the man replies....."NO WAY, to expensive"
... I say God bless you, I don't say bless you ... I am not the Lord, I can't do that ...
Dane Cook

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Post by Tater » Mon Feb 14, 2005 4:01 pm

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word
or two in it, but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in
the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them,
and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot
tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The
birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can
you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a
birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small
tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor
a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of
ash I have ever put my pecker in."
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money exchange

Post by Tater » Wed Mar 09, 2005 6:17 am

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the
currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line... just one guy in front of me...
He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he
was a little agitated... he asked the teller.."why it change, yestoday I
get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?"
The teller says - "fluctuations".
The Asian guy says "fluc you white guys too!
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Post by Tater » Sat Apr 30, 2005 12:22 pm

Christian Puppy

A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.

"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"

"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.

That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular' commands?"

"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.

Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down." The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.

He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.

"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's PENTECOSTAL!"
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Post by Tater » Mon May 09, 2005 10:06 pm

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day.

"Sam," says Moe, "you know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven,"

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you,"

And shortly after that, Sam passes on..

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam,"

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died,"

" I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news,"

So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday"
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Post by Tater » Mon May 09, 2005 10:08 pm

"It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test."

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so... Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.


OK, relax, clear your mind and... begin.

WELL MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!


1. What do you put in a toaster?






Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.





2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?









Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not
attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.



3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?









Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green
bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?????
If you said "glass," then! go on to Question 4.




4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?







Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question.




5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?







Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!







Now pass this along to all your "smart friends" and hope they do
better than you did.


It is wise not to argue with an idiot, others may not be able to tell the difference
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Post by Tater » Tue May 24, 2005 7:13 am

Three ducks walked into a bar.
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day
myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
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Post by level Joe » Wed Jun 01, 2005 8:33 am

Modern version of the Birds & the Bees.....

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"
Salus populi suprema est lex. [L.] The safety of the people is the highest law.

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