Jokes

Little or nothing to do with distillation.

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blanikdog
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Post by blanikdog » Sat Feb 23, 2008 6:37 pm

pintoshine wrote:Kentucky Girl power
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Georgia girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a Tennessee girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Kentucky girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see little out of his left eye.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

blanik
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(50 litre, propane heated pot still. Coil in bucket condenser - No thermometer, No carbon)
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pintoshine
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I am a true blond and so are my sisters.

Post by pintoshine » Mon Feb 25, 2008 7:14 am

Two Blondes With Hammers... Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."
Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"
"No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened I'm
not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk To ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked?
"Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied..... ..."Two popsicles and some coffee."

TCNZ
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INFANT SIZE PENIS

Post by TCNZ » Sun Mar 09, 2008 2:20 am

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK, because he loved her soooo much.
However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity from birth. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope that you can deal with that - once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant sized penis.'
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants - she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
'You told me that your penis was the size of an infant!', she said. .
.'Yes it is... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, and 19 inches long!'

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Post by Tater » Sun Mar 09, 2008 5:56 am

Senator Hillary Clinton and former Attorney General
>>Janet
>> Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and
>> Hillary says to Janet, 'You're lucky that you don't have
>>to
>> put up with men wanting to have sex with you. I have to
>>put
>> up with Bill, and there is no telling who he was with
>>last.'
>>
>> Janet responded, 'Just because I am aesthetically
>>challenged
>> (that's 'politically correct' for ugly as a mud fence)
>>does
>> not mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual
>> advances.'
>>
>> Hillary asks, 'Well, how do you deal with the problem?'
>>
>> Janet: 'Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to
>>make
>> a pass at me, I muster all my might, tense, and squeeze
>>to
>> break wind as loud and hard as I can.'
>>
>> That night, Bill was already asleep in bed with the
>>lights
>> out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear Bill
>>start
>> to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action.
>>
>> She had been saving gas all day long and was ready for
>>him.
>> She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most
>> disgusting sound you could imagine.
>>
>> Bill rolls over and says, 'Janet, is that you?'
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper

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Post by Tater » Mon Mar 10, 2008 3:38 pm

Three third graders from Tennessee, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid, are on the play ground at recess.

The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. 'Let's see who has the largest weenie,' he says.

'Okay.' They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

'That's nothing,' says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

'Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Le t's see w ho has the largest weenie.' '

'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother.

'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?'

Mom replies, 'No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper

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Post by Tater » Mon Mar 10, 2008 3:46 pm

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down;

I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up; don't set it down. There's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern; it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor,


"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

(British Humor)
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper

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Post by Tater » Mon Mar 10, 2008 3:48 pm

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.--- 'I got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year, ' said the shrink.

'Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.'

'I'll sleep on it,' said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' asked the psychiatrist.

'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.

I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!'
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper

Pikluk
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Post by Pikluk » Mon Mar 17, 2008 8:33 pm

If World War Two had been an online Real Ttime Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

noobstiller
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Post by noobstiller » Mon Mar 17, 2008 9:00 pm

Two condoms are walking down the street, they walk past a gay bar and one says "hey want to go in here?" The other one replies "No thanks, I dont feel like getting shit faced tonight."

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bear hunting

Post by Tater » Tue Mar 18, 2008 4:49 am

>Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try
>bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a brown
>bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his
>shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
>The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That
>was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either
>I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering
>briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
>So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he
>felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
>revenge.
>
>Frank headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found
>that black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was
>another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly
>bear stood right next to him.
>
> The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That
>was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul
>you to death or we have "rough sex." Again, Frank thought
>it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be
>mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
>Although he survived, it took several months before Frank
>fully recovered.
>
> Now Frank was completely outraged, so again,he headed
>back to Alaska and managed to track down that big bad
>grizzly bear and shot it dead. He felt sweet revenge, but
>moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned
>around to find a humongous polar bear standing there. The
>polar bear looked Frank square in the eyes and said,
>"Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do
>you?"
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper

Pikluk
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Post by Pikluk » Tue Mar 18, 2008 5:26 am

How to Simulate Life in the Army

1. Dig a big hole in your back yard and live in it for 30 days straight.

2. Go inside only to clean the house. On weekends, you can eat in the house, but you can't talk.

3. Pour 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your hole, then shovel it out, stack sandbags around it and cover it with a sheet of old plywood.

4. Fill a backpack with 50 pounds of kitty litter. Never take it off outdoors. Jog everywhere you go.

5. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

6. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

7. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn the water pressure in your shower down to a trickle, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it up so hard it peels skin. On Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they can't use the shower in order to keep it clean for inspection.

8. Go inside and make your bed every morning. Have your wife tear the blankets off at random during the day. Re-make the bed each time until it is time to go back outside and sleep in your hole.

9. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Get up! Get up! You are moving too slow! Get down and do push-ups!"

10. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

11. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the bathroom door that says, "Unserviceable."

12. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 5pm.

13. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over. Have them all dig holes in your yard to live in. After 30 days, fill in the holes and wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home as you set out for a 25 mile walk and After-Action-Review.

14. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

15. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).

16. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes. Write down on a piece of paper everything you want the shop to fix the next time you bring the car in. Give your wife the list to throw away.

17. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours with the windows down before going anywhere. Tune the radio to static and monitor it while letting the car run. If it is cold outside, don't run the heat. Sleep on the hood or roof of your car.

18. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.

19. Repaint your entire house once a month. Paint white rings around all the trees in your neighborhood. Paint all curbs yellow. Paint all rocks red.

20. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

21. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

22. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

23. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel when you are inside to eat. Tune the tint on the TV to green.

24. Avoid watching your green tinted TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

25. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

26. Sew big pockets to the legs of your pants. Don't use them.

27. Spend 2 weeks sleeping in holes in your neighbor's lawns and call it a deployment.

28. Spend a year sleeping in holes in your local area and call it world travel.

29. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

30. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

31. Blast heavy metal music on your stereo and conduct Ranger PT, grass drills, and sprints on your front lawn after your neighbors have gone to bed.

32. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their fighting positions. Don't let them eat or sleep again for two days.

33. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

34. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.

35. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

36. In the middle of January, place a gate at the end of your street. Have your family stand watches at the gate, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

37. Make your family live with you in your hole for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "block leave." When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Individual Skill Certification, and that it will be another week before they can go back into the house.

38. In your hole (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friends (see para. 13), get the flu.

39. Sleep in a thicket of blackberries or rose bushes. Tie a string to your foot that runs to the house. Have your wife yank on the string about 3 hours after you go to sleep. Crawl out of the bushes and go to the house to see what she wants. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Just making sure you're okay."

40. Do not sleep from 1:00 a.m. Monday mornings until 3 p.m. Wednesday afternoons. Tie a branch around your neck and chew on sand to stay awake.

41. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, dig a trench into your hole so that it fills up with water. During the worst part of the storm, get out of your hole and go for a 12 mile walk.

42. Don't change your socks for a week. After they disintegrate off with pieces of your feet, put on an unbroken pair of new boots and go for a 12 mile walk.

43. For mechanized infantry or armor types: leave the lawn mower running next to your hole 24 hours a day. When you get an opportunity to sleep in your house, put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

44. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

45. Set up a port-a-potty in the corner of your yard. Once a week, have the service truck back into your yard and pump it out. Make sure the wind carries the smell into your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.

46. Every other month pull every single possession you own out of your house and line everything up on your lawn from smallest to largest, front to back. Count everything and write it down to file with your insurance company. Give your wife the list to throw away.

47. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

48. Buy a trash can, but don't use it. Store the garbage in your hole.

49. Get up every night around midnight and stroll around your yard to "check the perimeter."

50. Run the garden hose to your hole and turn it on. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. Jump up and get dressed as fast as you can. Run out into the backyard and get in your hole.

51. Once a month, take apart every major appliance in your home and put them back together again.

52. Build a scale model of your yard. Make your children draw sketches of it including little arrows indicating what they are going to do when they go out to play. Post these sketches on a bulletin board for reference.

53. Remove the insulation and widen the frames of your front and back doors so that no matter how tight you shut the door, the weather will still get inside.

54. Every so often, throw the cat in front of your hole and shout "Enemy in the wire! Fire Claymores!" Then run into the house cut off the circuit breaker. Yell at the wife and kids for violating security and not maintaining good noise and light discipline.

55. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go sit in your car. Say to no one in particular "Lost-One, this is Lost-Three, are you lost too, over?" Sit there for three or four hours with the engine running. Say again to no one in particular "Negative contact, Lost-Three out." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.
The more you read the more you learn.
The more you learn the more you realize you don't know shit :)

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Post by Tater » Thu Mar 20, 2008 7:28 pm

Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs?
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper

theholymackerel
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Post by theholymackerel » Thu Mar 20, 2008 7:28 pm

I dunno, why?

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Post by Tater » Thu Mar 20, 2008 7:30 pm

Doesnt want anyone to know he screws chickens.
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper

theholymackerel
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Post by theholymackerel » Thu Mar 20, 2008 7:30 pm

Hahahahahah!

punkin
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Post by punkin » Thu Mar 20, 2008 10:26 pm

Image

Butch50
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Location: Repbulic of Texas!

Post by Butch50 » Fri Mar 21, 2008 1:13 pm

Judges asks the witness "Miss, when did you realize you had been raped?"

Witness wipes a tear from her eye "When the check bounced!"
Banjos and Whisky, Down On The River Bank

Grayson_Stewart
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Post by Grayson_Stewart » Fri Mar 21, 2008 5:59 pm

Now thats funny, I don't care who you are.....
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

junkyard dawg
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easter

Post by junkyard dawg » Sun Mar 23, 2008 5:24 am

Three blondes died recently and found themselves standing before St. Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde, an American, said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and sent her to Purgatory to study for her next test.
The second blonde, a Brit, said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he also sent her to Purgatory.
The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, please tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish Festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the Boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

Butch50
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Post by Butch50 » Mon Mar 24, 2008 4:17 pm

True story - happened this morning. My Wife and I were visiting her 94 year old Grandmother and we had our 8 year old Grandson along with us. As we were saying our goodbyes Grandma had us join hands so that she could say a prayer over us for safety of travel, along with a few admonishments.....

As she concluded she says Amen, I say Amen and my Wife says Amen. My Grandson however said, clealry "Hell Yeah!"

Apparently he was trying to say Hallelujah and scrambled it pretty good. Grandma who doesn't hear too well gave him a very odd look. My Wife and I held it until we were outside, then died. Grandson is standing there looking at us and saying "What"?

My kingdom for a video of that.....
Banjos and Whisky, Down On The River Bank

TCNZ
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Location: New Zealand

Post by TCNZ » Wed Mar 26, 2008 2:36 am

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She
wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic
devices?"
He hadn't - and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a
towel and our big Radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find
out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up &down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes ....." he replied -

OOOH - Now this is going to kill you

OOOOH - You're gonna hate me for this -
but it will make your day!!!









she sells C cells by the sea shore!"
I drink alcohol, not alcohol drinks me!

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Husker
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Post by Husker » Sat Apr 05, 2008 3:41 pm

A boy walks into mom/dad's bedroom, and sees dad on mom. Dad does not stop, but just winks at him.

The next day, dad walks into the boys room, and sees him on top of his grandma. The dad is shocked. The boy turns to the dad and says "Not so funny seeing someone hump your mom, now is it".

H.

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Husker
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Post by Husker » Sat Apr 05, 2008 3:45 pm

A wife hears her husband from the bedroom yelling for her to come see the clock.

She goes into the bedroom, and sees him with his pants down.

"That's not a clock. It's just your penis".

"Well, it certainly is a clock. It only needs 2 hands and a face on it"

H.

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Tater
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Business Management Lesson

Post by Tater » Wed Apr 09, 2008 6:47 pm

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else.

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me screw you."

But the girl said, "NO".

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened?

She wailed, "The bastard used pennys!"



Business Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper

Gimp
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Location: Australia

Post by Gimp » Wed Apr 09, 2008 7:08 pm

^^^ Fantastic, thats going round the office!

Gimp
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Location: Australia

Post by Gimp » Wed Apr 09, 2008 8:20 pm

Things Got Ya Down?
Well Then, Consider These . . .

.............................
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died
In the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m. ,
Regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
Something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve
The mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m
Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to
Investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am.,
All of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside
The ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-
Time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

..............................................

Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
Saved animals were being released back into the wild
Amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

.........................................

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
Shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy,
With some kind of wire running from his waist towards
The electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from
The deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
Plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening
To his Walkman.

...........................................

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting
The cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse
In Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs
Broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,
Stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

............................................

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage
On a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender'
Stamped on it.

Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was
Blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better?

EuroStiller
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Location: Italy

Post by EuroStiller » Tue Apr 15, 2008 10:12 am

Alcohol Warnings !!!

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a fool.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

EuroStiller- The Doctor

EuroStiller
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Local Gas Prices !!

Post by EuroStiller » Mon Apr 28, 2008 12:07 pm

EuroStiller- The Doctor
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Cruiser
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Location: New Zealand's large western island!

Re: Jokes

Post by Cruiser » Wed Apr 30, 2008 7:02 pm

Chinese Wedding Night

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is not all that experienced either.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he says, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. What chu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, 'I want to try somethin I have heard about... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...

'You want... Chicken wit broccori?'

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Tater
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Re: Jokes

Post by Tater » Thu May 01, 2008 5:18 am

Dust



UNDERWARE DUST

>

> One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,

> "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it

> would take a few inches off of your butt!"

>

> His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such

> a comment go unrewarded.

>

> The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

> "What the Heck is this?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud

> appeared when he shook them out.

>

> "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder

> in my underwear?"

> She replied with a snicker..."It's not talcum powder......It's

> 'Miracle Grow.'"
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper

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