Jokes

Little or nothing to do with distillation.

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Odin
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Re: Jokes

Post by Odin » Sun Nov 10, 2013 9:48 am

Love it! Thanks for sharing!

So .. there is this not too young hooker. Meeting an old sailor. Captain actually. Ready to be dismissed, to start living ashore. Wanting a family, needing a wife. Meeting ... the not too young hooker, talking to her, proposing to her, mentioning the fact he expected his "will be" spouse to be a virgin off course ...

Fast forward one week later. Not too young hooker has an appointment with the gyneacologist (wtf, let's just call that a "gyno" for now). She explains how she needs to be "a virgin" again in just two weeks time ... before she will (finally) get maried. Gyno says: "No problem, Mam! We will just take one of your hearing membrames out of your ear and ... well, put it in that place in between your legs. Believe me, that old sailor won't feel the difference!"

And so it was done. The gyno planned and performed the operation, the wedding was scheduled, and ...

Let's fast forward a few months again.

The gyno drives his car across town. All of a sudden he sees a ... not too young hooker he thinks he remembers from a surgery he performed a few months earlier. She walks down the side ways as he drives by.

He stops his car, turns down the window and calls out: "Hey Mam, how about you marieing that old saylor? Did everything turn out as planned & intended!?!"

Where up on ... the not too young hooker raises her leg and asks the doctor: "Sorry, doctor, what were you saying?"

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Re: Jokes

Post by swampdog 2 » Sun Nov 10, 2013 12:49 pm

ha ha I love it ,funny stuff right there :!: :clap:

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Re: Jokes

Post by Jkhippie » Tue Nov 12, 2013 7:38 am

What's the difference between "Oooohh" and "Aaahh"?

About 3 inches.
The Partridge Family were neither partridges nor a family.

If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, there's been a breach in the Duck Containment Facility.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Jkhippie » Tue Nov 12, 2013 7:44 am

What's an Irishman's idea of foreplay?

"Bonnie.....brace yourself!"
The Partridge Family were neither partridges nor a family.

If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, there's been a breach in the Duck Containment Facility.

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Re: Jokes

Post by heartcut » Tue Nov 12, 2013 9:52 am

or:
You awake?
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We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Odin » Tue Nov 12, 2013 10:30 am

Sorry Heartcut,

It is actually like this:

"You asleep?"

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Re: Jokes

Post by heartcut » Tue Nov 12, 2013 12:53 pm

I stand corrected
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We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Odin » Tue Nov 12, 2013 12:59 pm

;)

Heartcut,

Do you know why a Dutch farmer has those extra wide and sturdy boots?

No?

So the ewe can't run away that easily.

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"Those boots are ... well, not meant for walking!"
"Those boots are ... well, not meant for walking!"
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"Great art is created only through diligent and painstaking effort to perfect and polish oneself." by Buddhist filosofer Daisaku Ikeda.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Jkhippie » Tue Nov 12, 2013 2:37 pm

How do you make your wife scream during sex?

Call her and tell her about it.
The Partridge Family were neither partridges nor a family.

If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, there's been a breach in the Duck Containment Facility.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Odin » Tue Nov 12, 2013 2:44 pm

:thumbup:

And how do you feel about sex on TV?

... a bit ... shaky.

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"Great art is created only through diligent and painstaking effort to perfect and polish oneself." by Buddhist filosofer Daisaku Ikeda.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Jimbo » Tue Nov 12, 2013 3:02 pm

I once caught my girlfriend sitting on the washer naked hollering, spin cycle damn it, spin cycle.
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Re: Jokes

Post by blind drunk » Tue Nov 12, 2013 4:52 pm

A man checked into a hotel.
There was a computer in his room,
So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address,
and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile... Somewhere in Houston ,
a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail,
expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date:Â 7 NOV, 2011

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They gave computers here,
and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in..
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW....
I do all my own stunts

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Re: Jokes

Post by heartcut » Tue Nov 12, 2013 4:57 pm

2 farmers driving, they miss their turn.
"Can you make a U-turn?"
"No, but I can make her eyes roll."
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Re: Jokes

Post by jollyroger » Tue Nov 12, 2013 10:25 pm

What's the difference in a Scottish farmer and the Rolling Stones?
The Rolling stones say " Hey, you, get offa my cloud."
A Scottish farmer says "Hey, McCloud, get offa my ewe!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by thecroweater » Wed Nov 13, 2013 3:35 am

How do the Kiwi's find sheep in long grass... pretty desirable :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by heartcut » Wed Nov 13, 2013 3:23 pm

What did Cole Porter mean when he wrote "Irresistable You"?
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We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Coyote » Wed Nov 13, 2013 3:28 pm

An Irish guy walks out of a bar. . .


Hey it could happen!
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Re: Jokes

Post by swampdog 2 » Wed Nov 13, 2013 5:40 pm

HEY ODEN I heard in w.v. they call them kinda boots goat ropers :lol:

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Re: Jokes

Post by Odin » Thu Nov 14, 2013 1:17 am

"Goat Ropers" ... great! Didn't know that, but it sure is a name befitting its use!

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Re: Jokes

Post by heartcut » Thu Nov 14, 2013 6:22 am

Trouble with those boots is going around front to kiss them.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Odin » Thu Nov 14, 2013 6:39 am

Foreplay is so ... 2012!

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"Great art is created only through diligent and painstaking effort to perfect and polish oneself." by Buddhist filosofer Daisaku Ikeda.

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Re: Jokes

Post by swampdog 2 » Thu Nov 14, 2013 2:29 pm

redneck foreplay, fix me a drank an geten duh truck girl

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Re: Jokes

Post by Jkhippie » Thu Nov 14, 2013 2:32 pm

A friend of mine called me last night. He was out of breath, excited. I said, "What's going on, man?" He said, "Well, I took a Viagra earlier this evening, and I've had a hard-on for 6 hours!" I asked him, "Have you called your doctor?" He said, "I've called everybody!"
:shock:
The Partridge Family were neither partridges nor a family.

If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, there's been a breach in the Duck Containment Facility.

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Re: Jokes

Post by heartcut » Thu Nov 14, 2013 3:06 pm

Took a Viagra without water to wash it down and got a stiff neck.
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We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

W. H. Auden

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Re: Jokes

Post by swampdog 2 » Thu Nov 14, 2013 4:45 pm

I get a hard on that last for six hours damn a doctor or anybody , im calling a prostitute :!: :moresarcasm:

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Re: Jokes

Post by heynonny » Tue Nov 19, 2013 7:45 am

The foreplay bit

"Wake Up!!"
  
 
 
       Oh,look!! Its a hole in the space-time contuum!!

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Re: Jokes

Post by LWTCS » Tue Nov 19, 2013 5:28 pm

hey Hey.
Good to hear ya.
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Re: Jokes

Post by S-Cackalacky » Tue Nov 19, 2013 5:33 pm

A termite walked into a bar and asked, "Where is the bar tender?".
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman » Wed Nov 20, 2013 8:36 am

image.jpg

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Re: Jokes

Post by Richard7 » Fri Nov 22, 2013 8:53 pm

A duck walks into a bar and ask for a pint of lager shandy. The barman stands back in amazement and says “Wow, you’re a talking duck! We don’t often get many talking ducks in” The duck replies “Well you’ll get at least one for the next four days.” “Why?” asks the barman. “Well I’m doing some plastering on the new houses being built down the road, so I’ll be in for a swift one in my dinner hour.” “That’s amazing” said the barman “I’ve got a friend who runs a circus he could do with a guy like you, he pays big wages as well, much more than you’ll be earning now. I’ll give him a bell if you like?” “Sounds great mate” said the duck “But them circus types live in tents don’t they?” “Yeah” says the barman “Why?” “Well” says the duck “What the bloody hell do they want with a plasterer?”
"yeah? yeah? the maple flavored kind?" A dog on you tube.

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