Jokes

Little or nothing to do with distillation.

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TDick
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Re: Jokes

Post by TDick » Thu Nov 05, 2020 9:16 pm

goinbroke2 wrote:
Wed Nov 04, 2020 8:01 pm
That reminds me of a while back when I was younger and stuff was funnier......

Married 28 years nov 20....
During my FIRST marriage, I heard one of the funniest I'd ever heard.

Do you know the difference in a prostitute, a nymphomaniac and a wife?

Prostitute is lying in bed looking at the ceiling and says, "That's all."

Nymphomaniac is lying in bed looking at the ceiling and says, "That's all ? "

Wife is lying in bed looking at the ceiling and says,
"Beige"

"I think we should paint the ceiling BEIGE."
Problem was, I thought about it and said, "HEY! We just finished painting the bedroom. BEIGE!"
True story.

Celebrating 31 years of marital bliss next week. To #2.

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goinbroke2
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 » Sat Nov 07, 2020 12:09 am

Tried to give blood today, NEVER AGAIN!

This stupid woman kept asking all these stupid questions and generally pissing me off.
Who’s blood is it? Where did you get the blood? why is it in a bucket?

....ungrateful bitch.....
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman » Wed Nov 11, 2020 4:45 pm

5EE04AC6-71F3-4284-8924-94D90917BCD6.jpeg

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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy » Wed Nov 11, 2020 5:57 pm

TDick wrote:
Thu Nov 05, 2020 9:16 pm
goinbroke2 wrote:
Wed Nov 04, 2020 8:01 pm
That reminds me of a while back when I was younger and stuff was funnier......

Married 28 years nov 20....
During my FIRST marriage, I heard one of the funniest I'd ever heard.
.......
Celebrating 31 years of marital bliss next week. To #2.
Yup, me and my first wife are still happily married, she's happy, I'm married!

(There's always room for one more I tell her)

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Bushman
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman » Fri Nov 13, 2020 8:52 am

975059C7-318F-4662-9AB1-6F7F17DFBBEC.jpeg

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heynonny
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Re: Jokes

Post by heynonny » Fri Nov 13, 2020 2:59 pm

fs new trick.jpg
  
 
 
       Oh,look!! Its a hole in the space-time contuum!!

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Bushman
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman » Sat Nov 14, 2020 1:39 pm

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favour?' '

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your
Robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to
Declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next please!'

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Kareltje
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Re: Jokes

Post by Kareltje » Sat Nov 14, 2020 3:52 pm

:mrgreen: :clap: :thumbup: :moresarcasm: :D 8) ;)
(I needed to enter at least 6 characters)

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contrahead
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Re: Jokes

Post by contrahead » Sun Nov 15, 2020 10:29 am

The English have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire.

This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.
His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.


"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,

'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?

That , Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”
Omnia mea mecum porto

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Re: Jokes

Post by Deplorable » Tue Nov 17, 2020 3:59 pm

I was on my first date with my (now) wife.
Things were going well, even though my car was giving me fits after dinner. We were in the car and I was trying to get the stereo to function, and she leans in to me and whispers, "I have a daddy thing around cars"
I looked up from the dash, slapped the back of her head, and yelled HOLD THE FUCKING FLASHLIGHT STEADY!

Been together 30 years and married for 29.
Use all your senses, and its not that hard. You just have to pay attention.

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goinbroke2
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 » Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:24 pm

I ordered an egg and a chicken from amazon.


I’ll let you know.
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!

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thecroweater
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Re: Jokes

Post by thecroweater » Sat Nov 21, 2020 6:28 am

Well let's hope they don't scramble ya order then
Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety. Benjamin Franklin

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Durhommer
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Re: Jokes

Post by Durhommer » Sat Nov 21, 2020 6:58 am

20201121_085653.jpg
The jokes on me for buying this still head I'll be at this all day trying to strip 12 gallons
You have two ears and one mouth for a reason....

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goinbroke2
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 » Sat Nov 21, 2020 5:05 pm

Well duh, you’ve got it on it’s side, mounted to the wall and wonder why it’s so slow?

Oh....wait.....


Never mind.🤭
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Yonder » Sat Nov 21, 2020 10:47 pm

:lol:
Now that’s fooken funny.
Double, Double, toil and trouble. Fire Burn and pot still bubble.

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Re: Jokes

Post by howie » Sun Nov 22, 2020 12:55 am

cataracts.jpg

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Twisted Brick
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Re: Jokes

Post by Twisted Brick » Sun Nov 22, 2020 2:58 am

993CB536-A457-4A2F-9E6F-CA2CA0F1C9E2.jpeg
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake.”

- W.C. Fields

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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 » Sun Nov 22, 2020 9:29 am

Well that was weird.
Yesterday I ate two pieces of string and today they came out tied!



I shit you not!
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!

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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 » Sun Nov 22, 2020 9:30 am

Buddy of mine stopped by the garage today.
Strange guy, he’s addicted to brake fluid.

Said he can stop any time.
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!

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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 » Tue Nov 24, 2020 6:57 pm

Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa?



They make the toys!
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!

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Re: Jokes

Post by cranky » Fri Nov 27, 2020 5:38 pm

ornament - C.JPG

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Truckinbutch
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Re: Jokes

Post by Truckinbutch » Sun Nov 29, 2020 8:07 pm

You hear about the old lady that farted in the butter churn ?
>
>
>
>
If you'd been in the churn you would have heard it !
If you ain't the lead dog in the team , the scenery never changes . Ga Flatwoods made my avatar and I want to thank him for that .
Don't drink water , fish fornicate in it .

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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 » Mon Nov 30, 2020 9:25 am

Ever notice when two girls are talking, one says "do I look fat"? And the other one always goes "oh my gosh no, you're beautiful "!!
But when two guys are talking and one says "bro, do I look fat"? The other always goes "dude, I know 5 fat guys and you are four of them"!


Feelings? We don' need no stinking feelings! :ewink:
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!

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goinbroke2
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 » Mon Nov 30, 2020 9:27 am

Truckinbutch wrote:
Sun Nov 29, 2020 8:07 pm
You hear about the old lady that farted in the butter churn ?
>
>
>
>
If you'd been in the churn you would have heard it !
TB, that reminds me of Butt Er for fat people. Emergency room for your butt.
YouTube "butt er" some blond chick, kinda funny.
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!

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Re: Jokes

Post by v-child » Mon Nov 30, 2020 9:39 am

An elderly couple was eating breakfast and the wife pipes up and asks her husband, "If I die before than you will you get remarried?"
Husband, "That is insane, why in the world would you ask me a crazy question like that?"
Wife, "Well, it's no big deal, I just want to know, that's all."
Husband, "I don't know, maybe if the right girl comes along. She'll have to be pretty darned special to replace you, my dear."
Wife, "If you do get remarried, will you be moving her into our home?"
Husband, getting a little frustrated at this point, "I think I would, yes probably."
Wife, "Would she be sleeping in our bed?"
Husband, "More than likely, it would depend on her."
The wife goes on, "Would you allow her to use my set of golf clubs?"
Husband, "No honey, she is left-handed."

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Durhommer
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Re: Jokes

Post by Durhommer » Mon Nov 30, 2020 11:59 am

Little Jonny works in a pickle factory he tells his wife he wants to stick his pecker in the pickle slicer...she says try and not stick your pecker in the pickle slicer. Little Jonny comes home one day and says babe I couldn't resist I stuck my pecker in the pickle slicer....wife says well what happened....jonny says I got fired....wife says no to the pickle slicer....jonny says I'm sure she got fired too.
You have two ears and one mouth for a reason....

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Re: Jokes

Post by still_stirrin » Mon Nov 30, 2020 1:20 pm

goinbroke2 wrote:
Mon Nov 30, 2020 9:27 am
…that reminds me of Butt Er … for fat beautiful people. Emergency room for your butt.
YouTube "butt er" some blond chick, kinda funny.
Butt  ER
Butt ER
It is quite the “emergency”!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Windy City » Tue Dec 01, 2020 3:04 pm

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The liver is evil and must be punished

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Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman » Tue Dec 01, 2020 9:44 pm

12A9DA22-4E32-415C-B1B4-6AA53F833F3D.jpeg

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goinbroke2
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Re: Jokes

Post by goinbroke2 » Wed Dec 02, 2020 7:01 am

Air used to be free, but now it’s a buck to fill your tires.
You know why?

Inflation
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!

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