Jokes
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Re: Jokes
A minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said,
'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis he said,
'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
Sermon complete, he sat down..
Janette, the elderly organist, stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365:
'Shall We Gather at the River.'
Keep spreading the Cheer.
See you at the river!
With great emphasis he said,
'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis he said,
'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
Sermon complete, he sat down..
Janette, the elderly organist, stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365:
'Shall We Gather at the River.'
Keep spreading the Cheer.
See you at the river!
I finally quit drinking for good.
now i drink for evil.
now i drink for evil.
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Re: Jokes
Old lass goes to the doctor with her husband.HDNB wrote: ↑Mon Nov 01, 2021 6:35 am Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of
Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa.
"The hundred is from Grandma!"
"Doc, can you prescribe some viagra for my husband? He is having a few problems downstairs...."
Doc looks at his files, "shouldn't be a problem. He is of the right age and fitness i think we can do that straight away."
The old lady asks "can you get the pharmacist to cut them into quarters please?
Doc looks at her funny. "A quarter of a pill wont be nearly a high enough dose to achieve a full erection."
Old lady looks at the doctor, and with an exasperated sigh, "He doesn't need it up all the way. Just enough to stop him pissing in his slippers!"
It's much easier to cut a bit off than weld a bit on...
- jonnys_spirit
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Re: Jokes
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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i prefer my mash shaken, not stirred
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i prefer my mash shaken, not stirred
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- Saltbush Bill
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Re: Jokes
Geeeeze Coogee , where do you find them
- Yummyrum
- Global moderator
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Re: Jokes
He’s a Dad too
My recommended goto .
https://homedistiller.org/wiki/index.ph ... ion_Theory
https://homedistiller.org/wiki/index.ph ... ion_Theory
- VLAGAVULVIN
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Re: Jokes
Not sure if it's "the politics" or not... anyways, that was a long time ago.
har druckit för mycket
Re: Jokes
No matter what Isaac the husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi:
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
"Okay." He says to the husband. "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly.....
"See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel."
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
"Okay." He says to the husband. "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly.....
"See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel."
Taking a break while I get a new still completed....
- VLAGAVULVIN
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Re: Jokes
har druckit för mycket
Re: Jokes
CoogeeBoy wrote: ↑Sun Nov 21, 2021 8:53 pm No matter what Isaac the husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi:
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
"Okay." He says to the husband. "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly.....
"See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel."
Re: Jokes
First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting.
When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting.
When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
I finally quit drinking for good.
now i drink for evil.
now i drink for evil.
- Saltbush Bill
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- Location: Northern NSW Australia
Re: Jokes
Hehehehehe thats funny
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Re: Jokes
Yes, and I know the story in a bit less ugly version:
Long time ago my mother told me the story that her father who was a doctor did test for diabetes simply by tasting the urine.
A few years ago I saw this trick with the different fingers in a German language movie.
I found the scene on youtube:
It is an application interview. The old doctor shows how he does a test for diabetes and then the applicant has to do it and answer him "diabetes or not?".
Now I think that perhaps my grandpa fooled my mother.
Long time ago my mother told me the story that her father who was a doctor did test for diabetes simply by tasting the urine.
A few years ago I saw this trick with the different fingers in a German language movie.
I found the scene on youtube:
It is an application interview. The old doctor shows how he does a test for diabetes and then the applicant has to do it and answer him "diabetes or not?".
Now I think that perhaps my grandpa fooled my mother.
Re: Jokes
I thought our small town had gained its own Superhero when I spotted a young guy running down the Main Street wearing a cape
It was only later that I found out that he had not paid for his haircut
It was only later that I found out that he had not paid for his haircut
You can lead a horse to drink, but you cant make it water!
You can lead a horticulture but can you teach a prototype?
Proverbs 31:6-7
You can lead a horticulture but can you teach a prototype?
Proverbs 31:6-7
- cranky
- Master of Distillation
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Re: Jokes
This probably doesn't belong in jokes but I'm not sure where else it might belong.
We were trimming the tree the other day and came across the best Hallmark Christmas ornament ever made I love that ornament
We were trimming the tree the other day and came across the best Hallmark Christmas ornament ever made I love that ornament
Re: Jokes
Warning. Don’t wear a red shirt when shopping at Target.
Long story short, I am now covering Tracey’s shift next Friday
Long story short, I am now covering Tracey’s shift next Friday
You can lead a horse to drink, but you cant make it water!
You can lead a horticulture but can you teach a prototype?
Proverbs 31:6-7
You can lead a horticulture but can you teach a prototype?
Proverbs 31:6-7
Re: Jokes
Time for Lewis Hamilton to listen to more 80’s music
Pass the Dutchie on de left hand side
Pass the Dutchie on de left hand side
You can lead a horse to drink, but you cant make it water!
You can lead a horticulture but can you teach a prototype?
Proverbs 31:6-7
You can lead a horticulture but can you teach a prototype?
Proverbs 31:6-7