Jokes

[TDick]

Happy St.Patrick's Day!
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62.
" "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[sltm1]

HAHAHAHA!!

[Bushman]

[Bushman]

[HDNB]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[Truckinbutch]

image.jpeg

That would be more humorous if it wasn't so true .
I once accepted an "oversize "load over in Baltimore that the engineer said was 10' ad thereby an oversize permit load which commanded a premium rate .
A fold up plywood crate that had contained aircraft parts that had to be returned to an Alabama factory . Loaded it 10' wide per the engineer's instruction and flagged it and got my MD oversize permit and pulled off his lot . That secured my oversize premium rate to destination .
20 blocks away I turned that 8x10 pile of plywood 90 degrees and pulled the flags and banners .
Drove over to Dundalk and loaded a machine destined for the Port of Houston .
SOH and I bought a lot of chicken when the check for that week cleared the bank .

[HDNB]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[contrahead]

image001b.jpg (15.21 KiB) Viewed 2467 times

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[kiwi Bruce]

THE VALUE OF A GOOD VOCABULARY?

I called an old college classmate and asked what he was doing.
He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics,
aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."
I was impressed..

However, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was actually washing dishes
with hot water under his wife's supervision.

[GCB3]

Full disclosure, I haven’t read all 90 pages here, but, love a good joke. Hopefully this one isn’t buried in those pages!

One of my favorites. To appreciate, you have to put yourself back in that 1950’ -1960’s, Americanna, post depression life. (It doesn’t hurt to have a thick, Southern accent!)

So, a bunch of hobos are sitting around their camp next to the railroad tracks with a fire going as the evening wanes.
One guy looks up and says, “Shit man, I found $20 on the tracks yesterday!”
The next guy over says, “No shit! What you been doin’ with it?”
The first guy says, “ I’ve been drinking like a King!”
The next guy says, “ That ain’t nothin’, I found a girl on the tracks and we’ve been havin’ sex ALL WEEK!”
Everybody is incredulous! There are shouts of BS, no way, you’re lying, etc.!
Finally, one guy asks, “Are you gettin’ any head.”
The guy replies, “ Head????......She ain't got no head!”

(Please forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned in telling this joke!)

[cranky]

[HDNB]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and was determined to keep the ranch, but she couldn’t take care of it by herself. So she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand…

3 days later, she interviewed the most qualified cowboy who applied, a tall and strong 19 year old Mexican man. The interview went well, and she asked if he would be okay with working long hours.

He replied, “I’m in good shape, and I love to work with my hands, so that’s not an issue. This is the perfect line of work for me, señora, just give me a chance and I’ll prove myself.”

The widow nodded, and 2 days later, she called him to tell him he was hired.

He proved to be a hard worker who worked from morning until evening every day, and he sure knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.


Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You’ve done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.”

The hired hand readily agreed, and went into town on Saturday night.

1 o’clock came. However, he didn’t return.

2 o’clock struck, and still no hired hand.

Around 2:30 AM, he finally returned. Upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her, “Hello there, cowboy. Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.”

He removed each gently, and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.”

He slowly unbuttoned it, looking deep into her eyes in the fire light.

“Now take off my bra…”

Again, with trembling hands, he did what she told him and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said:
“If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”

[Tater]

My missis is pissed off at me again .last night while she was fast asleep.I gently removed her tampon and replaced it with a party popper leaving the string hanging out.Im here to tell you that woman got no frigging seance of humor at all

[Ronin frog]

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?
None,!!! Get like no potato famine,
Tough crowd

[Tater]

Mother superior and 2 novices nuns were killed in car wreak.Saint Peter was waiting at heavens gate .Told them they would be tests before entering with 1 question.First novice he asked ? What was Adams wife name .Eve she replied and in she went. 2nd novice he asks ? Where did Adam and Eve live . Garden of Eden she replies. Go on in says Saint Peter . Looking at Mother Superior he says . You been around a while your question wont be as easy. He asked? What was first thing Eve said to Adam when they met?She thought and thought stammered Gosh thats a hard 1 . Your right said Saint Peter go on in .

[kiwi Bruce]

When life gives you lemons...

ADD VODKA!

[HDNB]

A 15 year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls. These strange walls could move apart, and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I dont know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, never taking his eyes off the young woman, quietly said…

“Son, go get your Mother.”

[fizzix]

I don't think this has to do with Cooling Management.

[TDick]

Full Disclosure:
No Swedish ancestors but aye to the Irish and the Scotch!

[Bushman]

[Shine0n]

An elderly couple are sitting in church and the woman leans into her husband and says with a grin, I just let out a silent fart.
The husband says to her, I think you should change the batteries in your hearing aids.

[cranky]

[HDNB]

how much dip
could a dipshit shit
if a dipshit could shit dip?

[The Baker]

Loved that, cranky.

Geoff

[kiwi Bruce]

how much dip
could a dipshit shit
if a dipshit could shit dip?

about as much dip
as a dip shit could shit
if a dipshit could shit dip!

LOVE IT...HDNB!

[jon1163]

female ref

[HDNB]

A wealthy man was having an affair with a beautiful Italian woman for several years.

One night, during a steamy rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant, and that the baby was his.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, the man told her that he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet and on the down-low, he told her to send him a postcard, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support through an Italian bank account.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

“Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange postcard today.”

“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written, “Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Two with meatballs and one without. Send extra sauce.”

[HDNB]

A 91-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 91-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.


The doctor looked at the jar quizzically and asked, “What happened?”

The old man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this – first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen – the lady next door – and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”


His eyes wide, the doctor asked, “Excuse me? You asked your neighbor?!?”

With a big smile, the old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open!”

[HDNB]

A young thug with his pants hanging half off his ass walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....

[cranky]

I've spent the last week dealing with a frozen hood hinge bolt on my wife's "New" 57 year old car and even though this is a joke it was the actual process I had to go through to get that bolt loose