Jokes

Little or nothing to do with distillation.

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cranky
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Re: Jokes

Post by cranky »

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Kareltje
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Re: Jokes

Post by Kareltje »

I will remember the first one when it is my time! :clap: :thumbup:
(One of my friends will be handling my funeral.)
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Fiddleford
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Re: Jokes

Post by Fiddleford »

:thumbup:
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Rye whisky rye whisky oh dont let me down
Gunna have me a drink then gambol around
Here's some fiddle music
Pt1
Pt2
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Re: Jokes

Post by Forest Beekeeper »

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TDick
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Re: Jokes

Post by TDick »

that ain't funny
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Bushman
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman »

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Re: Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman »

Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks
on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
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Bushman
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Re: Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman »

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HDNB
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Re: Jokes

Post by HDNB »

in defense of the newfinese recently slandered on the simpson's show...

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.
'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said ,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da fock would you say?
I finally quit drinking for good.

now i drink for evil.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Forest Beekeeper »

aah, the sweetness of a little girl

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck", the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks", the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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Yonder
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Re: Jokes

Post by Yonder »

Well, I ain't seen it said yet an this is the kids world so .... Happy Star Wars Day. May the 4th be with you. (Cringe).
Double, Double, toil and trouble. Fire Burn and pot still bubble.
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cranky
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Re: Jokes

Post by cranky »

Yonder wrote:Well, I ain't seen it said yet an this is the kids world so .... Happy Star Wars Day. May the 4th be with you. (Cringe).
Kids world??? You know the first instance of the use of "May the 4th be with you" was used when Margret Thatcher took office in 1979...40 years ago :think:

https://www.newsweek.com/star-wars-day- ... ed-1414528" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow
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Yonder
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Re: Jokes

Post by Yonder »

Well, ain't that a kick in the teeth :oops: I guess I don't waste much time on such.
Double, Double, toil and trouble. Fire Burn and pot still bubble.
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Re: Jokes

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Re: Jokes

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Re: Jokes

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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
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Re: Jokes

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Re: Jokes

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week..
I finally quit drinking for good.

now i drink for evil.
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Re: Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman »

This is why my internet is so slow, everyone is online!
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cranky
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Re: Jokes

Post by cranky »

Read this out loud

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read only the third word in each line
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Re: Jokes

Post by iwine »

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heynonny
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Re: Jokes

Post by heynonny »

Image
  
 
 
       Oh,look!! Its a hole in the space-time contuum!!
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acfixer69
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Re: Jokes

Post by acfixer69 »

iwine wrote:
61523817_614260695744171_671096740308320256_n.jpg
maybe I drink too much :shock:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3T1c7GkzRQQ
Now that could have been Me 20 yrs ago heeheee
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Tater
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Re: Jokes

Post by Tater »

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
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Re: Jokes

Post by kiwi Bruce »

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Getting hung up all day on smiles
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Re: Jokes

Post by 999delta »

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said "You died in your sleep, Ed".

Ed was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"


St. Peter said "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back... and that is as a chicken".


Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.


A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"


"Not bad" replied Ed the hen "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"


"You're ovulating" explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"


"Never" said Ed.


"Well, just relax and let it happen" says the rooster. "It's no big deal".


He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.


As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard...


"Ed, wake up! You've shit the bed!"


Getting OLD just aint what they said it would be!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Forest Beekeeper »

AIRCRAFT DISCREPANCY REPORTS

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by Qantas pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

"P" stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log, and "S" stands, for the Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine airplane; the Pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
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