Jokes

Little or nothing to do with distillation.

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HDNB
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Re: Jokes

Post by HDNB »

no respect i tell ya.

playing some cards with da wife.

"i gotta go for a walk" i sez. "my ass fell asleep"

"i know" she sez. "i can hear it snoring."
I finally quit drinking for good.

now i drink for evil.
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Re: Jokes

Post by cob »

I didn't know Dice Clay was a memba
be water my friend
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General47
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Re: Jokes

Post by General47 »

I work next to a company that sells post form kitchen counters and such.

first co worker i see. "hey did you hear the Ceo from next door was arrested?"

Co worker: "no, why?"

Me: "some type of fraud, police aparrently charged him with counter fitting."
To alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems. ~Homer Simpson
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?


Nothing.....its on the house!
Taking a break while I get a new still completed....
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Tater
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Re: Jokes

Post by Tater »

image.png
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

I just ran into my old friend Mark who stole my dictionary.

I said: "Mark, my words!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

So, if you had a choice between a good car and a woman, what would you choose?



Petrol or Diesel?
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HDNB
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Re: Jokes

Post by HDNB »

fella goes into church for confession, it's been a while and he's a bit nervous but he finally makes his way to the confessional. He opens the door and as his eyes adjust to the dim light, he sees some beautiful shelving with a selection of some of the finest whiskies he's ever seen. Scotch and bourbon and imports from all over asia.
below that there is a glassed in shelf with boxes of cigars, Cubans, Nicaragua, dominican and a bunch from far off asian places too.
he sees some magazines beside an easy chair with foot massager in front of it, and goes to sit down.
just then the priest shows up
"wow father" he says, "It's been a while since my last confession. I see things have improved dramatically since i was last here!"

"Get out" the padre says, pointing at the door. "you're on my side."
I finally quit drinking for good.

now i drink for evil.
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VLAGAVULVIN
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Re: Jokes

Post by VLAGAVULVIN »

HDNB wrote: Sun Jan 09, 2022 3:37 pmScotch and bourbon and imports from all over asia.
Don't consider me a bore. All over Asia?
Mmmkay: Japan, India, anysin else?..
Did I miss something? :)

har druckit för mycket
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Bushman
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman »

What do you think? A Segway converted to a Kegway
0C66CD60-A90E-45F3-B91F-251C0F549726.jpeg
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman »

653BCD5B-2580-4171-B12F-3C475892AE53.jpeg
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acfixer69
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Jokes

Post by acfixer69 »

Here's 90 second's you will never get back.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Metalking00 »

Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Gimme three shots of whiskey!".
The bartender pours the shots and as the guy downs em one after the other he asks, "whats the occasion?"
The guy slams the last shotglass on the bar and says "first blowjob".
"Congrats! Next shot's on the house!" The bartender cheerfully replies.
The guy looks at the bartender and says, "Nah, if 3 shots doesnt take the taste out of my mouth, nothin will."
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

Reminds me of the 2 nuns walking in the park when a flasher jumped out and exposed himself.
One of them fainted and the other one had a stroke.
Taking a break while I get a new still completed....
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

The bloke that wrote "the Hokey Pokey" died peacefully in his sleep recently.
The traumatic part for the funeral was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in.........

That's when the trouble started.
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HDNB
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Re: Jokes

Post by HDNB »

you guys wanna hear a joke?
...

An Irishman walks out of a bar.
I finally quit drinking for good.

now i drink for evil.
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Teddysad
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Re: Jokes

Post by Teddysad »

In his honour , the gf is wearing her Meatloaf panties.

The front says. I’ll do anything for love

On the back it says But I won’t do that
You can lead a horse to drink, but you cant make it water!
You can lead a horticulture but can you teach a prototype?

Proverbs 31:6-7
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bryan1 »

Today my mate finally found the courage to go up to the blonde cashier and ask her for a date..

She replied in veggie section next to the banana's
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Re: Jokes

Post by Saltbush Bill »

You've got competition Coogee. :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

Saltbush Bill wrote: Tue Feb 01, 2022 3:54 am You've got competition Coogee. :lol:
THe pressure is on!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman »

I am married to a Norwegian, keep those blonde jokes coming I am always looking for material.
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Kareltje
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Re: Jokes

Post by Kareltje »

A long time ago in Reader's Digest (does it still exist?) a mom complained about her sons. She was a natural blonde, but had dyed her hair brown that day. When she walked into the livingroom one of her sons asked: "Trying artificial intelligence, mom?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by acfixer69 »

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.
The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge knockers out for dinner, then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a shit first
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

Kareltje wrote: Wed Feb 02, 2022 2:35 am A long time ago in Reader's Digest (does it still exist?) a mom complained about her sons. She was a natural blonde, but had dyed her hair brown that day. When she walked into the livingroom one of her sons asked: "Trying artificial intelligence, mom?"
Cruel, but fair.

You do know what the difference is between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
Taking a break while I get a new still completed....
juana_b
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Re: Jokes

Post by juana_b »

A redhead tells her blonde friend she had sex with a Brazilian while on vacation.
The blonde says, "You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
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Truckinbutch
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Re: Jokes

Post by Truckinbutch »

A blonde is just a red head that's had the fire fucked out of her . Took me a little over 40 years .
If you ain't the lead dog in the team , the scenery never changes . Ga Flatwoods made my avatar and I want to thank him for that .
Don't drink water , fish fornicate in it .
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bryan1 »

A sexy Blonde just asked me if I prefer legs or Breasts

I said I'm more into shaved pussy and anal

Apparently this not an acceptable answer

at KFC
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Re: Jokes

Post by juana_b »

Blonde's pick-up line:"I'm SOOO drunk!"
Redhead's pick-up line:"I said, I'm SOOO drunk!"
“Awards are merely the badges of mediocrity.”
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

Bryan1 wrote: Thu Feb 03, 2022 12:02 am A sexy Blonde just asked me if I prefer legs or Breasts

I said I'm more into shaved pussy and anal

Apparently this not an acceptable answer

at KFC
I find that hard to believe, I would have thought that would be an acceptable answer in Adelaide!
Taking a break while I get a new still completed....
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acfixer69
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Re: Jokes

Post by acfixer69 »

2 women were playing golf.
On the third hole there were 4 men in front of them about 175 yards down the fairway.
The first woman said
“I'll tee off, he is far enough away”.
She hit the drive of her life, like a shot, straight down the fairway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help, I am a physical therapist." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
"How does that feel?" she asked.
He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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