Jokes
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- Yummyrum
- Global moderator
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Re: Jokes
LOL , I had to read it twice Cranky .
I thought it said “I’d fight a Bear for your sister”
I thought it said “I’d fight a Bear for your sister”
My recommended goto .
https://homedistiller.org/wiki/index.ph ... ion_Theory
https://homedistiller.org/wiki/index.ph ... ion_Theory
Re: Jokes
No joke.
Somebody been watching "The Simpsons"
Somebody been watching "The Simpsons"
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Re: Jokes
And here is a quick lesson for all you dads out there to pass on to your children.
The 3 things you don't say in a gay bar:
1. I'll be buggared
2. I'm positive
3. Can I push in your stool?
The 3 things you don't say in a gay bar:
1. I'll be buggared
2. I'm positive
3. Can I push in your stool?
Taking a break while I get a new still completed....
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- Master of Distillation
- Posts: 4667
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- Location: Northern Victoria, Australia
Re: Jokes
Bushman said, 'How do you BBQ?'
In my youth I used to cut saplings with an axe, living in a bag hut in the bush.
When the boss came out in his truck to collect the wood, we cooked chump chops
on a shovel.
Geoff
In my youth I used to cut saplings with an axe, living in a bag hut in the bush.
When the boss came out in his truck to collect the wood, we cooked chump chops
on a shovel.
Geoff
The Baker
- Deplorable
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Re: Jokes
I have to ask, what's a "bag hut"? Is that what you folks down under call a tent?
I've cooked on a shovel, they're actually a pretty effective frying pan on a bed of coals. But what are chump chops?
Fear and ridicule are the tactics of weak-minded cowards and tyrants who have no other leadership talent from which to draw in order to persuade.
Re: Jokes
@ Deplorable, here is another... not very inventive but in my neck of woods we do not barbeque we BRAAI. And if you braai propper you wil have skilpaatjies (tortoises) as a starter... chopped liver in caul fat. And for a special side dish sheep tails. But i am cultivated, i braai on a webber style kettle mostly.
Not a match for The Baker but just killing time waiting for the coals settle for my braai.
Not a match for The Baker but just killing time waiting for the coals settle for my braai.
My first flute
My press
My twins
My controller
My wife tells me I fell from heaven covered in white. Why did they let me fall?
My press
My twins
My controller
My wife tells me I fell from heaven covered in white. Why did they let me fall?
- Deplorable
- Site Donor
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Re: Jokes
Hmmm grilled (braai'd?) Tortoise... do you cook it in the shell, or split them and braai the meat?
To not stray too far from the thread topic,
Do cannibals think clowns taste funny?
To not stray too far from the thread topic,
Do cannibals think clowns taste funny?
Fear and ridicule are the tactics of weak-minded cowards and tyrants who have no other leadership talent from which to draw in order to persuade.
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- Master of Distillation
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- Joined: Sun Aug 27, 2006 4:48 am
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Re: Jokes
Setsumi, you have eaten lots of things that I have not!
Deplorable, you asked...
There used to be no bulk handling of grains, flour and so on.
They were packed in jute bags that held 150 pounds of flour, 180 pounds of wheat.
And a bag hut was a rough tent made of empty bags.
With luck when it rained the bag when it became wet ran off the water.
Chump chops were from mutton, probably two-tooth (a bit older than lamb) and Wikipedia says;
Chump chops are prepared from a boneless leg behind the loin by following its natural seams and then trimmed accordingly. They're the equivalent to a beef rump steak left on the bone and are slightly bigger than cutlets or loin chops. (Delicious).
And for a sort of joke.
There was the time a wandering dog stole the meat from the camp.
And I used nearly a box of .22 cartridges to bring down a galah.
A sort of parrot and was it tough!
Memories.
Geoff
Deplorable, you asked...
There used to be no bulk handling of grains, flour and so on.
They were packed in jute bags that held 150 pounds of flour, 180 pounds of wheat.
And a bag hut was a rough tent made of empty bags.
With luck when it rained the bag when it became wet ran off the water.
Chump chops were from mutton, probably two-tooth (a bit older than lamb) and Wikipedia says;
Chump chops are prepared from a boneless leg behind the loin by following its natural seams and then trimmed accordingly. They're the equivalent to a beef rump steak left on the bone and are slightly bigger than cutlets or loin chops. (Delicious).
And for a sort of joke.
There was the time a wandering dog stole the meat from the camp.
And I used nearly a box of .22 cartridges to bring down a galah.
A sort of parrot and was it tough!
Memories.
Geoff
The Baker
Re: Jokes
The problem with any tipe of tortoise is once cleaned they resemble the human form quite well. I rather eat a pofadder then...Deplorable wrote: ↑Sun Sep 05, 2021 8:56 am Hmmm grilled (braai'd?) Tortoise... do you cook it in the shell, or split them and braai the meat?
To not stray too far from the thread topic,
Do cannibals think clowns taste funny?
The skilpaatjie (tortoise) is chopped liver in caul fat and looks like a tortoise because of the lattice of ghe caul fat. Now pofadder over here is a viper from the genus Bitis, quite eddible but when i braai a pofadder it usualy is the colon of a sheep or springbuck stuffed with its chopped liver and kidneys.
This is no joke.
My first flute
My press
My twins
My controller
My wife tells me I fell from heaven covered in white. Why did they let me fall?
My press
My twins
My controller
My wife tells me I fell from heaven covered in white. Why did they let me fall?
Re: Jokes
don’t know about them tortoise things but I’ve had many a snapping turtle. Makes damned good soup and stew. Funny thing, a snappers eggs will bounce if dropped on a hard surface but break wide open if you drop one on your wife’s nice carpet….
Double, Double, toil and trouble. Fire Burn and pot still bubble.
Re: Jokes
Well, on a more serious side, I took my daughter for her Pfizer jab today.
While we were in the waiting room, a dwarf walked in and asked "Do you treat dwarves?"
The receptionist replied: "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient."
While we were in the waiting room, a dwarf walked in and asked "Do you treat dwarves?"
The receptionist replied: "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient."
Taking a break while I get a new still completed....
Re: Jokes
Tried to convince my wife that we needed to buy new everyday silverware, won’t comment on how she responded.
Re: Jokes
I dunno, seems pretty practical to me. ‘Specially if you was to be working late at the track.
Double, Double, toil and trouble. Fire Burn and pot still bubble.
Re: Jokes
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing..’
The doctor was shocked!
‘You asked your neighbour?’
The old man replied,
‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing..’
The doctor was shocked!
‘You asked your neighbour?’
The old man replied,
‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’
I finally quit drinking for good.
now i drink for evil.
now i drink for evil.
Re: Jokes
During a routine police patrol, an officer parked his car outside a bar in Angleton, Texas.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the truly proud Redneck ...
“Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the truly proud Redneck ...
“Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
I finally quit drinking for good.
now i drink for evil.
now i drink for evil.
- contrahead
- Trainee
- Posts: 920
- Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2013 3:43 pm
- Location: Southwest
Re: Jokes
equinox. Meaning many things. Including that today: daylight and nightime are of equal length, “winter is coming” and that Aussies and others living south of the equator are just as full of shit as the rest of us are.
No joke. Today (9/22/2021) is or was the Autumnal, Fall or September Omnia mea mecum porto
Re: Jokes
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't
seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge
red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes
turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the
same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out?
Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge
red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes
turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the
same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out?
Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
I finally quit drinking for good.
now i drink for evil.
now i drink for evil.
Re: Jokes
This is a true story.
Well its bear hunting season....and a fellow from Queensland (Australia, they are not as smart there as the rest of us) went hunting bears in Canukstan.
So there was our Big Brown Bear, just grazing on a few berries, doin' his business in the woods etc etc, when all of a sudden: "Crack. Zing. Thud." A bullet went flying over his head and thumped into a tree.
So BBB stood up and looked around and there was our dopey Queenslander standing there with a gun in his hand and a stunned look on his face. BBB bounded over to the hunter, stood up and let out a blood curdling "ROOOAAAAR"
"What do you think you're doin?" said BBB. "You could have killed me, that shot just missed me. On any other day, I would bite your arms off and rip you apart but you know what, today, you're lucky, I'm feeling a little bit randy."
"If you drop your pants and turn around, I might let you live."
So our Qld hunter complied and lived.
A few days later, BBB was in the forest again when all of a sudden: "Crack. Zing. Thud." A bullet went flying over his head and thumped into a tree.
So BBB stood up and looked around and there he was again, our dopey Queenslander standing there with a gun in his hand and a stunned look on his face. BBB bounded over to the hunter, stood up and let out a blood curdling "ROOOAAAAR, Hey, its you again!"
"What do you think you're doin? You could have killed me, that shot just missed me. On any other day, I would bite your arms off and rip you apart but today, you're lucky, I'm feeling a little bit randy again."
"You know the story, if you drop your pants and turn around, I might let you live."
Well, a few days later, BBB was in the forest as usual when all of a sudden: "Crack. Zing. Thud." A bullet went flying over his head and thumped into a tree.
So BBB stood up and looked around and there he was again, our hopeless hunter with his gun and a stunned look on his face. BBB bounded over to the hunter, stood up and let out a blood curdling "ROOOAAAAR"
"Hey, its you again!" said BBB, "You don't come here for the huntin' do you?"
Well its bear hunting season....and a fellow from Queensland (Australia, they are not as smart there as the rest of us) went hunting bears in Canukstan.
So there was our Big Brown Bear, just grazing on a few berries, doin' his business in the woods etc etc, when all of a sudden: "Crack. Zing. Thud." A bullet went flying over his head and thumped into a tree.
So BBB stood up and looked around and there was our dopey Queenslander standing there with a gun in his hand and a stunned look on his face. BBB bounded over to the hunter, stood up and let out a blood curdling "ROOOAAAAR"
"What do you think you're doin?" said BBB. "You could have killed me, that shot just missed me. On any other day, I would bite your arms off and rip you apart but you know what, today, you're lucky, I'm feeling a little bit randy."
"If you drop your pants and turn around, I might let you live."
So our Qld hunter complied and lived.
A few days later, BBB was in the forest again when all of a sudden: "Crack. Zing. Thud." A bullet went flying over his head and thumped into a tree.
So BBB stood up and looked around and there he was again, our dopey Queenslander standing there with a gun in his hand and a stunned look on his face. BBB bounded over to the hunter, stood up and let out a blood curdling "ROOOAAAAR, Hey, its you again!"
"What do you think you're doin? You could have killed me, that shot just missed me. On any other day, I would bite your arms off and rip you apart but today, you're lucky, I'm feeling a little bit randy again."
"You know the story, if you drop your pants and turn around, I might let you live."
Well, a few days later, BBB was in the forest as usual when all of a sudden: "Crack. Zing. Thud." A bullet went flying over his head and thumped into a tree.
So BBB stood up and looked around and there he was again, our hopeless hunter with his gun and a stunned look on his face. BBB bounded over to the hunter, stood up and let out a blood curdling "ROOOAAAAR"
"Hey, its you again!" said BBB, "You don't come here for the huntin' do you?"
Taking a break while I get a new still completed....
Re: Jokes
A 70 year old man was fishing in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ‘Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.’ Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you crazy? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.
He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ‘Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.’ Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you crazy? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.
I finally quit drinking for good.
now i drink for evil.
now i drink for evil.
Re: Jokes
I thought my little town finally had its own superhero when I spotted a young guy wearing a cape running down the Main Street.
It was only later that I found out that he hadn’t paid for his haircut
It was only later that I found out that he hadn’t paid for his haircut
You can lead a horse to drink, but you cant make it water!
You can lead a horticulture but can you teach a prototype?
Proverbs 31:6-7
You can lead a horticulture but can you teach a prototype?
Proverbs 31:6-7