Jokes

Little or nothing to do with distillation.

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CoogeeBoy
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

My mate just gave up his job as a dairy farmer, he was an udder failure!
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Rum Agol
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Re: Jokes

Post by Rum Agol »

What’s Irish and sits outside all day and night? Patty O’Furniture!
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

Rum Agol wrote: Sat Oct 09, 2021 9:22 am What’s Irish and sits outside all day and night? Patty O’Furniture!
It sounds even funnier with a Scottish accent!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Rum Agol »

CoogeeBoy wrote: Sat Oct 09, 2021 1:10 pm
Rum Agol wrote: Sat Oct 09, 2021 9:22 am What’s Irish and sits outside all day and night? Patty O’Furniture!
It sounds even funnier with a Scottish accent!
:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by The Baker »

Got it.

It took a while.

Geoff
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A Buccaneer.
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

The Baker wrote: Sat Oct 09, 2021 6:00 pm Got it.

It took a while.

Geoff
Same, that's why I tried it with a Scottish / Irish accent!
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CoogeeBoy
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

Our architect just left, we're renovating the house.
When I told her I didn't want the stairs carpeted she gave me a blank stare.
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Yummyrum
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Re: Jokes

Post by Yummyrum »

CoogeeBoy wrote: Sat Oct 09, 2021 6:36 pm Same, that's why I tried it with a Scottish / Irish accent!
Oouch Coogee

You might cop some galic abuse for that one :ewink:
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heynonny
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Re: Jokes

Post by heynonny »

Whats the irish cure for seasickness?
Stand under a tree, , , ,
  
 
 
       Oh,look!! Its a hole in the space-time contuum!!
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Kareltje
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Re: Jokes

Post by Kareltje »

HDNB wrote: Thu Oct 07, 2021 12:23 pm A 70 year old man was fishing in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ‘Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.’ Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you crazy? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.
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Bushman
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Re: Jokes

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Rum Agol
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Re: Jokes

Post by Rum Agol »

News bulletin - Texas police are looking for a cowboy dressed in a paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He's wanted for rustling.
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HDNB
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Re: Jokes

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Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the freeway coming home from shopping. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody beeped their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......
"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!
I finally quit drinking for good.

now i drink for evil.
CoogeeBoy
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

HDNB wrote: Sat Oct 16, 2021 2:26 pm Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the freeway coming home from shopping. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody beeped their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......
"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!
:think: :roll:
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HDNB
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Re: Jokes

Post by HDNB »

Maybe more to your funny bone coogee,

A woman home alone, answers a knock on the door to a man who just stood there and asked, "Do you have a vagina"
She slams the door in disgust and tells her husband that night when he got home from work.
The next morning she answers a knock on the door. Its the same man and he asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina"
Once again she slams the door.

She immediately gets on the phone and rings her husband at work.
He tells her he will take the day off tomorrow just in case the man shows up a third time.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both make for the door.
The husband whispers to his wife, "Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to tell him yes to his question, because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods, a yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there. He asks, "Do you have a vagina"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
I finally quit drinking for good.

now i drink for evil.
CoogeeBoy
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

HDNB wrote: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:50 pm Maybe more to your funny bone coogee,

A woman home alone, answers a knock on the door to a man who just stood there and asked, "Do you have a vagina"
She slams the door in disgust and tells her husband that night when he got home from work.
The next morning she answers a knock on the door. Its the same man and he asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina"
Once again she slams the door.

She immediately gets on the phone and rings her husband at work.
He tells her he will take the day off tomorrow just in case the man shows up a third time.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both make for the door.
The husband whispers to his wife, "Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to tell him yes to his question, because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods, a yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there. He asks, "Do you have a vagina"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
:clap: :lol:

It is better to have loved a small woman than never to have loved a tall.
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CoogeeBoy
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

unfortunately the chef at our local italian restaurant died this week, he pasta-way.
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Yummyrum
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Re: Jokes

Post by Yummyrum »

CoogeeBoy wrote: Thu Oct 21, 2021 2:36 pm unfortunately the chef at our local italian restaurant died this week, he pasta-way.
No great loss , he was a pizza shit.
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

Reminds me I went to a zoo last weekend while I was way outback, the only animal it had was a dog. It was a ShitZoo
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Re: Jokes

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Re: Jokes

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Re: Jokes

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Re: Jokes

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep" the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars" the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
I finally quit drinking for good.

now i drink for evil.
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Re: Jokes

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Re: Jokes

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Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of
Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa.
"The hundred is from Grandma!"
I finally quit drinking for good.

now i drink for evil.
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Bushman
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Re: Jokes

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When you’ve had to much to drink!
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Re: Jokes

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TDick
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Re: Jokes

Post by TDick »

Yummyrum wrote: Sat Oct 09, 2021 11:34 pm
CoogeeBoy wrote: Sat Oct 09, 2021 6:36 pm Same, that's why I tried it with a Scottish / Irish accent!
Oouch Coogee

You might cop some gaelic abuse for that one :ewink:
According to Ancestry DNA, 2% Scandinavian, 98 % British, 50% of it Scottish.

That said, everyone I know that QUIT drugs or booze knows EXACTLY when. And why.
Here's Billy Connoly's story.
CoogeeBoy
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Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

Did you know that if you turn a canoe upside down you can wear it as a hat on your head?

Because its ........cap-sized
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