Jim and John were identical twins. Jim owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.
One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.
A kind old woman there mistook Jim for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway.
The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.
Jokes
Moderator: Site Moderator
-
Cruiser
- Bootlegger
- Posts: 112
- Joined: Tue Feb 13, 2007 7:42 pm
- Location: New Zealand's large western island!
How men and women communicate...
What a woman says:
This place is a mess ! C'mon !
You and I need to clean up !
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now !
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, C'mon !
blah, blah, blah, you and I
blah, blah, on the floor
blah, blah, blah, no clothes
blah, blah, blah, right now !
What a woman says:
This place is a mess ! C'mon !
You and I need to clean up !
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now !
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, C'mon !
blah, blah, blah, you and I
blah, blah, on the floor
blah, blah, blah, no clothes
blah, blah, blah, right now !
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
I don't care if you lick windows,
take the special bus
or occasionally pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special
take the special bus
or occasionally pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special
A mathematics lecturer used the phrase 'For all practical purposes' during one of his lectures. A student asked if the lecturer could explain it further, and this is what he said:
If you lined up all the boys on one side of the room, and all the girls on the other side, and then halved the distance between them, and then halved it again, and again, and so on, theoretically they would never reach each other, but soon enough, they would be close enough, for all practical purposes.
If you lined up all the boys on one side of the room, and all the girls on the other side, and then halved the distance between them, and then halved it again, and again, and so on, theoretically they would never reach each other, but soon enough, they would be close enough, for all practical purposes.
Be safe.
Be discreet.
And have fun.
Be discreet.
And have fun.
This one's for you Tater
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out
and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
*
*
OK! Here it is!
*
*
*
*
A COMMON TATER
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out
and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
*
*
OK! Here it is!
*
*
*
*
A COMMON TATER
I don't care if you lick windows,
take the special bus
or occasionally pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special
take the special bus
or occasionally pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School,
usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School,
usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
-
The Chemist
- Trainee
- Posts: 966
- Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2005 1:29 pm
- Location: Louisiana
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down)
What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to your posts
.......
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down)
What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to your posts
.......
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
-
blanikdog
- Angel's Share
- Posts: 4545
- Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2005 11:55 pm
- Location: Bullamakanka, Oztrailya
tater wrote:What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to your posts.
Simple potstiller. Slow, single run.
(50 litre, propane heated pot still. Coil in bucket condenser - No thermometer, No carbon)
The Reading Lounge AND the Rules We Live By should be compulsory reading
Cumudgeon and loving it.
(50 litre, propane heated pot still. Coil in bucket condenser - No thermometer, No carbon)
The Reading Lounge AND the Rules We Live By should be compulsory reading
Cumudgeon and loving it.
WHEN IRISH EYES ARE SMILING!
> >
>>
>>>>> >A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in
>>>>> Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as
>>>>> she
>>>>> pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here
>>>>> will buy a lady a drink?"
>>>>> >The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at
>>>>> >the
>>>>> end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his money down on the
>>>>> counter
>>>>> and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"
>>>>> >
>>>>> >>The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She
>>>>> >>turned
>>>>> to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the
>>>>> same hairy armpit, and asked...."What man here will buy a lady a
>>>>> drink?"
>>>>> Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar
>>>>> and
>>>>> said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
>>>>> >The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy,
>>>>> >it's
>>>>> your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
>>>>> calling her a ballerina?"
>>>>> >The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got
>>>>> >to
>>>>> be a ballerina !!
> >
>>
>>>>> >A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in
>>>>> Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as
>>>>> she
>>>>> pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here
>>>>> will buy a lady a drink?"
>>>>> >The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at
>>>>> >the
>>>>> end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his money down on the
>>>>> counter
>>>>> and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"
>>>>> >
>>>>> >>The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She
>>>>> >>turned
>>>>> to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the
>>>>> same hairy armpit, and asked...."What man here will buy a lady a
>>>>> drink?"
>>>>> Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar
>>>>> and
>>>>> said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
>>>>> >The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy,
>>>>> >it's
>>>>> your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
>>>>> calling her a ballerina?"
>>>>> >The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got
>>>>> >to
>>>>> be a ballerina !!
I don't care if you lick windows,
take the special bus
or occasionally pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special
take the special bus
or occasionally pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special
Tiger in Newfoundland
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford
Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets
Him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the
Golfing pro is. Top of the mornin' to yer, sir' says the attendant. Tiger nods a
Quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does
so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
'What are dose?' Asks the attendant.
'They're called tees' replies Tiger.
'Well, what on god's earth are dey for?' inquires the attendant.
'They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving', says Tiger.
An"t that some then , says the Newfoundlander,
'Ford tinks of everyting!'
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford
Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets
Him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the
Golfing pro is. Top of the mornin' to yer, sir' says the attendant. Tiger nods a
Quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does
so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
'What are dose?' Asks the attendant.
'They're called tees' replies Tiger.
'Well, what on god's earth are dey for?' inquires the attendant.
'They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving', says Tiger.
An"t that some then , says the Newfoundlander,
'Ford tinks of everyting!'
I don't care if you lick windows,
take the special bus
or occasionally pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special
take the special bus
or occasionally pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special
-
blanikdog
- Angel's Share
- Posts: 4545
- Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2005 11:55 pm
- Location: Bullamakanka, Oztrailya
A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!
One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy,
bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly
proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, and decides to humour her a bit, so he says she
needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks;
"Do you have a motorcycle?"The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man
in your club under the table."
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4
packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the
evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama.
Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times and I kinda liked it."
One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy,
bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly
proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, and decides to humour her a bit, so he says she
needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks;
"Do you have a motorcycle?"The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man
in your club under the table."
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4
packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the
evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama.
Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times and I kinda liked it."
How appropriate for some of us..... You know who you are, too!
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally,
and by hand. This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer
(WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone
else via any means - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take
two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote
known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5
friends, you have already been infected, and WORK is controlling your life.
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally,
and by hand. This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer
(WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone
else via any means - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take
two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote
known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5
friends, you have already been infected, and WORK is controlling your life.
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
Great News-Keep Walking
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
THAT MEANS , On Average, Americans Get about 41 miles per gallon!
Keep Up The Good Work!
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
THAT MEANS , On Average, Americans Get about 41 miles per gallon!
Keep Up The Good Work!
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
A newspaper opened an advice column called 'Dear Walter', since they were not able to find a female columnist and advisor similar to the late, but still beloved, Abby (Dear Abby). Here is what happened:
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I
got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the
wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was
wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married
for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my
lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him
about the make up, he broke do wn and admitted that he'd been wearing my
clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the
vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I
got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the
wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was
wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married
for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my
lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him
about the make up, he broke do wn and admitted that he'd been wearing my
clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the
vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers;
cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers;
cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
-
The Chemist
- Trainee
- Posts: 966
- Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2005 1:29 pm
- Location: Louisiana
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."
Purposeful motion, for one so insane...
-
The Chemist
- Trainee
- Posts: 966
- Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2005 1:29 pm
- Location: Louisiana
A father asked his 11-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech."
"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech."
"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Purposeful motion, for one so insane...
-
The Chemist
- Trainee
- Posts: 966
- Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2005 1:29 pm
- Location: Louisiana
I rear-ended another car this morning.
I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY
bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a
DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "OK, then, which one ARE you?"
And that's how the fight started...
I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY
bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a
DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "OK, then, which one ARE you?"
And that's how the fight started...
Purposeful motion, for one so insane...
-
tracker0945
- Trainee
- Posts: 906
- Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2007 8:28 pm
- Location: Oztraylia
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
Yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her To come nearer.
She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot,you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by myside...
You know what.
'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
I think you're bad luck, f**k off.'
Yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her To come nearer.
She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot,you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by myside...
You know what.
'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
I think you're bad luck, f**k off.'
2"x38" Bok mini and
Pot still with Leibig on 45 litre boiler
Pot still with Leibig on 45 litre boiler
The Female Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said,! "Please , I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.
"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said,! "Please , I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.
"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Wisconsin, after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the sherriffs office. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud non-drinker. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the sherriffs office. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud non-drinker. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Depression Diagnosis
I was feeling depressed last week, so I called the mental health help line. Like all other call centers, it has been out- sourced to a third world location.
When I told the operator in Pakistan that I was feeling suicidal, he got very excited and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly a plane.
I was feeling depressed last week, so I called the mental health help line. Like all other call centers, it has been out- sourced to a third world location.
When I told the operator in Pakistan that I was feeling suicidal, he got very excited and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly a plane.
I don't care if you lick windows,
take the special bus
or occasionally pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special
take the special bus
or occasionally pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special
-
The Chemist
- Trainee
- Posts: 966
- Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2005 1:29 pm
- Location: Louisiana
A woman is sitting in the doctor's office with a baby, there for the baby's first check-up. They're called in, and the doctor proceeds with his examination. At the end, he says "Everything looks fine, except that she's a little underweight...is she breast-fed, or bottle-fed?"
"Oh, breast-fed," the woman says.
"Hmmm..." replies the doctors, "strip to the waist and let me check you."
The woman does, and the doctor proceeds to kneed, caress, and cajole the woman's breasts...nothing. "Why, it's no wonder this child is underweight," the doctor says, "you have no milk!"
"Well," says the woman, "that's 'cause I'm her grandmother, but I sure am glad my daughter had to work!!"
"Oh, breast-fed," the woman says.
"Hmmm..." replies the doctors, "strip to the waist and let me check you."
The woman does, and the doctor proceeds to kneed, caress, and cajole the woman's breasts...nothing. "Why, it's no wonder this child is underweight," the doctor says, "you have no milk!"
"Well," says the woman, "that's 'cause I'm her grandmother, but I sure am glad my daughter had to work!!"
Purposeful motion, for one so insane...
Bad Headache
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure
your headaches. The bad news is that it will require
castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your
testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure
creates one heck of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for. He had no choice but to go
under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache
for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt
like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's
what I need... a new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like
a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and
said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves
and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
' Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the
salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The
salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34
since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size
34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine and give you one heck of a
headache.'
> New suit - $400
> New shirt - $36
> New underwear - $6
> Second opinion - PRICELESS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure
your headaches. The bad news is that it will require
castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your
testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure
creates one heck of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for. He had no choice but to go
under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache
for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt
like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's
what I need... a new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like
a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and
said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves
and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
' Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the
salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The
salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34
since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size
34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine and give you one heck of a
headache.'
> New suit - $400
> New shirt - $36
> New underwear - $6
> Second opinion - PRICELESS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
One night at the local pub, a big woman walks in wearing a sleeveless dress with hairy armpits. She raises her hand and says.."would anybody here like to buy me a drink"? . After a long pause, the old owl eyed drunk at the end of the bar says....I'll buy the ballerina a drink.
The woman slams the drink down and raises her arm again and says.."would anyone like to buy me another drink"? The drunk at the end of the bar says...sure..I'll buy the ballerina another drink.
As bartender walked over he says...you know...I don't care...it's your business if you want to buy her a drink...but why do you keep calling her a ballerina? The drunk looks up, head wavering and says...anybody who can left their leg up that high..has to be a ballerina.
The woman slams the drink down and raises her arm again and says.."would anyone like to buy me another drink"? The drunk at the end of the bar says...sure..I'll buy the ballerina another drink.
As bartender walked over he says...you know...I don't care...it's your business if you want to buy her a drink...but why do you keep calling her a ballerina? The drunk looks up, head wavering and says...anybody who can left their leg up that high..has to be a ballerina.