Jokes

[olcarguy]

My son the Veterinarian....

One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again
the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,
He approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give
some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The
old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful and what does he do
for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas
and one in Reno.

[trthskr4]

Had to share this with ya'll, wife thought it was funny too.

Guts or Balls .


There is a medical distinction . We ' ve all heard about
people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference
between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate
further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ' Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? '


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: You ' re next, Chubby . '


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions . Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death .

[olcarguy]

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, bourbon, and martinis into urine. And, we're pretty damn good at it too!!'

[junkyard dawg]

Heard this one at work...

so, A doctor, a lawyer and a redneck are sitting at a bar. The doctor says, "fellows, my wife just had a birthday so I bought her a Mercedes Coupe and a trip to europe. I figure if she doesn't like the car then she will like the vacation."

The lawyer says "Really, my wife got new diamond earrings and a new sailboat for the weekends. If she doesn't like the earrings then I know she loves to sail..."

The redneck throws back his shot and says, "well, my wifes birthday is next week and I'm gonna get her a six pack of beer and a dildo. If she doesn't like the beer then she can go f*#k herself."

[The Chemist]

Dog Pack Attacks Croc In Northern Territory

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The crocodile, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the 'apex predator', can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and 'survival of the pack mentality' bred into the canines.

See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the croc preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the croc.







Not for the squeamish...

CROCATTACK.jpg (50.21 KiB) Viewed 3123 times

[The Chemist]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spend $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question.
The girl replies, 'I guess about 29.'
The woman replies, 'Nope I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself.
She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this
burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'Again she proudly responds, 'I am 50, but thank you.'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to
her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiositygets the best of her. She finally blurts out,
'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
'Okay, okay...How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you
tell?'
The old man says, 'promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't.' she says.

'I was behind you in line at McDonald's.'

[olcarguy]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[olcarguy]

'Newfies' are residents of Newfoundland
- a unique group of residents in Canada

who are always' Newfies' no matter where they live.

'Newfies on Mad Cow Disease'

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview
with a farmer living just outside Corner Brook, Newfoundland,

to find the main cause of the Mad Cow Disease.

Lady reporter:
Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information

on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease.

Can you offer any reason for this disease?'

The farmer stared at the reporter and said:
'Do you know that a bull mounts a cow

only once a year?'


Lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):
'Well, sir, that's a new piece of information,

but what's the relation between this
Phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?'

The farmer:
'And, madam, do you know

that we milk a cow twice a day?'

The reporter:
'Sir, this is really valuable information,

but what about getting to the point.'

Farmer:

'I am getting to the point, madam.

Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day

and only screwing you once a year,

wouldn't you get mad?'

[Usge]

Ha! A new way to get "screeched"

[Oldog]

Two Rednecks, Jim and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bubba and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.' Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jim says 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual, that you like women.'

'I do like women. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar He tells Bubba about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'

Jim says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'





'Well, then you're gay.'

[olcarguy]

"The Meaning Of Silence"

After a wife and husband had a huge argument, they ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, the husband asked where one of his shirts was.
"Oh," his wife said, "So now you're speaking to me."
He looked confused. "What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" she challenged.
"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

[heynonny]

I dont know if this was already posted, but here goes


Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em. heynonny

[trthskr4]

I dont know if this was already posted, but here goes


Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em. heynonny

Got a little Cap'n in ya? Want some?

[Tater]

Older woman
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking
that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle,
and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what this daughter
of hers might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.

'We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink,
'Tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place. We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mom, you still awake?'

[Tater]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted

[Tater]

Worlds oldest jokes---






How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish. -- 1600 BC, an abridged version first found on the Westcar Papryus

Three ox drivers from Adab were thirsty: one owned the ox, the other owned the cow and the other owned the wagon's load. The owner of the ox refused to get water because he feared his ox would be eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow refused because he thought his cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon refused because he feared his load would be stolen. So they all went. In their absence the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf which ate the wagon's load. Problem: Who owns the calf? -- 1200 BC Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap. -- 1900 BC to 1600 BC, Sumerian Proverb Collection 1.12-1.13 A woman who was blind in one eye has been married to a man for 20 years. When he found another woman he said to her, "I shall divorce you because you are said to be blind in one eye." And she answered him: "Have you just discovered that after 20 years of marriage?" -- 1100 BC, Egyptian


Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: "Help, nobody is attacking me!" No one comes to help. -- 800 BC, Homer, 'The Odyssey'

What animal walks on four feet in the morning, two at noon and three at evening? Man. He goes on all fours as a baby, on two feet as a man and uses a cane in old age. -- 429 BC, appears in Oedipus Tyrannus

Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey -- his purse is what restrains him. -- 304 BC to 30 BC, Egyptian, Ptolemaic period

Augustus was touring his empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the palace?" "No your Highness," he replied, "but my father was." -- 63 BC to 29 AD, credited to the Emperor Augustus

Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said "I've had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died." -- 4th to 5th century AD, dated to the 'Philogelos,' or 'Laughter-Lover,' the oldest extant jest book

Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: "In silence." -- 4th to 5th century AD, collected in the 'Philogelos'

[Oaty]

Alcohol Warning Label

The Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on liquor bottles to warn drinkers of the hazards of over-imbibimg.
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you're invisible.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

[Oaty]

ALCOHOL IMPROVES BRAIN

The following is an actual excerpt from this month's Forbe's Magazine:

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

Thus, regular consumption of beer, wine etc., helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we cannot shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be. Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances and co-workers that may be in danger of losing their edge.

[Oaty]

ALCOHOL SHORTS

How many Irish does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty One. One to hold the bulb and twenty to drink until the room spins.

This really drunk guy walks up to a parking meter and puts in a quarter. He stares at the needle that has stopped at 60 and exclaims, "I can't believe I lost 100 pounds!"

What's the difference between a bar and a g-spot?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

Two blondes walk into the bar....You'd think one of them would of seen it!

What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop?
A recovering alcoholic.

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "He knows when to stop."

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.

A five-dollar bill walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Get outta here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

There was a guy who had at least 4-5 drinks of whiskey every day of his adult life. When he died, they cremated him, and it took two days to put out the fire!

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.

Three old ladies are walking down the street. They are hard of hearing.
One: "Whew, it's windy today!"
Two: "No. Today's Thursday!"
Three: "So am I! Let's go to a bar!

[Oaty]

DRUNK TEST

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.

"The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

[Oaty]

CAR THIEVES

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

[Oaty]

THE BEER PRAYER

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be Thy drink,

Thy will be drunk,

(I will be drunk),

At home as I am in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us,

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers,

For thine is the beer,

The bitter and the lager,

Forever and ever,

Barmen.

[Oaty]

SOMETHING IN COMMON

One night in a local pub, a man stumbled up to the only other patron in a bar and asked if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," came the reply.

The first man then asked, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replied the second man. The first man responded, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replied the second man. Curious, the first man then asked, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," came the reply.

"I can't believe it, " said the first man. "I'm from Dublin too!" He continued, "Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replied the second man.

Curiosity again struck and the first man asked, "what school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man said. "I went to Saint Mary's and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, one of the regulars came into the bar and sat down. "What's been going on?" he asked the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

[Oaty]

THE DEVIL'S MATCH

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaned over the bar.

The Devil wanders across to the old man and says "Do you know how I am?"

The old man took another sip of his beer and answered "Yep"

The Devil stared at the old man and asked "Well aren't you afraid of me?"

The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs "I married your sister 40 years ago, why the hell should I be scared of you?"

[Oaty]

I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop. (Noel Coward)

I drink therefore I am (W.C. Fields)

A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields)

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they are going to feel all day. (Frank Sinatra)

I never drink water, fish fuck in it. (W.C. Fields)

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)

[violentblue]

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally.
8. Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

[Tater]

A redneck is driving down a back road in

North Carolina .

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:


HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

Lobster Tail and Beer


'Lord almighty,' he says to himself,

'my three favorite things!!'

[trthskr4]

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more
than a week.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

[blanikdog]

[trthskr4]

Baptizing A Bear:

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Tennessee in Knoxville.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together again to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear.
And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."