The blonde decided to try a solid deoderant.
No 'dumb blonde', her, she carefully read the directions and followed them: "Remove cap, push up bottom."
The trip to the emergency room was no fun, but her farts sure did smell good...
Jokes
Moderator: Site Moderator
-
The Chemist
- Trainee
- Posts: 966
- Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2005 1:29 pm
- Location: Louisiana
Re: Jokes
Purposeful motion, for one so insane...
Re: Jokes
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
The day you quit learning something new is the day you die. And, if you don't die, then you might as well.
Re: Jokes
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my
annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why,
she said, "Because I am trying to examine you."
annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why,
she said, "Because I am trying to examine you."
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
Re: Jokes
An Irishman, an American and an Australian are working on a construction site, 147 stories up.
The Aussie opens his lunch and says "If I get a meat pie for lunch again I'm going to jump"
The American opens his lunch and says "If I get a hot dog for lunch again I'm going to jump"
The Irishman opens his lunch and says "If I get a potato for lunch again I'm going to jump"
Next day the Ausiie gets a pie, and jumps off.
The American gets a hot dog and jumps off.
The Irishman gets a potato and jumps off.
At the funeral, everybody is wailing and crying.
Aussie wife says " If I knew he hated pies, I would have made something else"
American's wife says " If I knew he hated hotdogs, I would have made something else"
There was a long silence, then they all turned to the Irishman's wife.
She said " Don't look at me, he makes his own lunch"
scarecrow
The Aussie opens his lunch and says "If I get a meat pie for lunch again I'm going to jump"
The American opens his lunch and says "If I get a hot dog for lunch again I'm going to jump"
The Irishman opens his lunch and says "If I get a potato for lunch again I'm going to jump"
Next day the Ausiie gets a pie, and jumps off.
The American gets a hot dog and jumps off.
The Irishman gets a potato and jumps off.
At the funeral, everybody is wailing and crying.
Aussie wife says " If I knew he hated pies, I would have made something else"
American's wife says " If I knew he hated hotdogs, I would have made something else"
There was a long silence, then they all turned to the Irishman's wife.
She said " Don't look at me, he makes his own lunch"
scarecrow
Re: Jokes
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it' And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it' And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
Re: Jokes
A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a
proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
and "Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"And last," Bobby Lee said, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a
proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
and "Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"And last," Bobby Lee said, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00.
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
Re: Jokes
An Irishman and a Kiwi were driving along a back road in New Zealand. Suddenly the Irishman noticed a sheep with its head stuck in a barbed wire fence.
Don't panic said the Kiwi, we have a way to deal with this. And he walked up to the sheep, put a pair of gumboots on it and proceded to give it a bit doggie style.
After he finished he said to the Irishman " Your turn"
So the Irishman stuck his head in the fence and said "Can you help me with the boots"
scarecrow
Don't panic said the Kiwi, we have a way to deal with this. And he walked up to the sheep, put a pair of gumboots on it and proceded to give it a bit doggie style.
After he finished he said to the Irishman " Your turn"
So the Irishman stuck his head in the fence and said "Can you help me with the boots"
scarecrow
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regulardaddy
- Novice
- Posts: 64
- Joined: Tue Oct 06, 2009 6:06 pm
- Location: All around
Re: Jokes
Misunderstanding
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch”....
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch”....
I dream therefore I am
-
MashMan
Re: Jokes
Chicken Surprise
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken
Surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she
asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
You're going to love this..................
You're going to hate yourself for loving this!.............
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken
Surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she
asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
You're going to love this..................
You're going to hate yourself for loving this!.............
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
Re: Jokes
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a
blond-haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his
cowboy hat, his six-gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent
exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you
walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks
me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my
shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now
go to town cowboy! '
'And here I am.'
blond-haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his
cowboy hat, his six-gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent
exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you
walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks
me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my
shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now
go to town cowboy! '
'And here I am.'
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
-
blind drunk
- retired
- Posts: 4848
- Joined: Mon Feb 04, 2008 12:59 am
Re: Jokes
A teenage boy asks his granny, "have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?"
Granny says, "Fuck the pills; have you seen the dragons in the living room?"
Granny says, "Fuck the pills; have you seen the dragons in the living room?"
I do all my own stunts
-
blind drunk
- retired
- Posts: 4848
- Joined: Mon Feb 04, 2008 12:59 am
Re: Jokes
THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES!
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted.'
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted.'
I do all my own stunts
Re: Jokes
2 ladies talking in heaven:
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds.. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive...
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds.. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive...
"Slow Down , You'll get a more harmonious outcome"
"Speed & Greed have no place in this hobby"
"Speed & Greed have no place in this hobby"
-
JethroBodine
- Swill Maker
- Posts: 232
- Joined: Sun Aug 02, 2009 6:02 pm
- Location: Sippin', Leaning-against-a-maple-tree, VT
Re: Jokes
Hey, Tater. WTF are you trying to do with those church bulletins, kill me? I had to walk away from the computer 3 times to catch my breath!
And this one,
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
I want to know what church that is and if the Friday afternoon showings are still on
.
And this one,
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
I want to know what church that is and if the Friday afternoon showings are still on
.Master Bruce Lee said," The best style, is NO style."
I've had a LOT of practice at having no style.
I've had a LOT of practice at having no style.
Re: Jokes
I think that is LATE Friday evening, not during the daylight hoursJethroBodine wrote: I want to know what church that is and if the Friday afternoon showings are still on
Hillbilly Rebel: Unless you are one of the people on this site who are legalling distilling, keep a low profile, don't tell, don't sell.
-
Grayson_Stewart
- retired
- Posts: 1030
- Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2004 10:56 am
Re: Jokes
For all the Florida Gators on the site....
I recently heard that Tim Tebow may not be illegible for his upcoming bowl game because he had signed a 6 million dollar contract with Kleenex.
ROLL TIDE!
I recently heard that Tim Tebow may not be illegible for his upcoming bowl game because he had signed a 6 million dollar contract with Kleenex.
ROLL TIDE!
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Re: Jokes
Bubba pick up lines---1) Did you fart? ...cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? ...cuz ya sure are special.
3) My love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? ...cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? ...cuz I can see myself in em.
6) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock..
Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.
2) Are yer parents retarded? ...cuz ya sure are special.
3) My love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? ...cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? ...cuz I can see myself in em.
6) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock..
Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
Re: Jokes
Porsche going down the highway gets passed by a 4 legged chicken.
Porsche accelerates, only to have the chicken pull away and turn into a farmyard.
Porsche follows and asks the farmer about the chicken.
We've got thousands of 'em, says the farmer.
Why, was the reply.
Extra meat said the farmer.
What do they taste like?
Dunno, can't catch 'em was the reply.
scarecrow
Porsche accelerates, only to have the chicken pull away and turn into a farmyard.
Porsche follows and asks the farmer about the chicken.
We've got thousands of 'em, says the farmer.
Why, was the reply.
Extra meat said the farmer.
What do they taste like?
Dunno, can't catch 'em was the reply.
scarecrow
Re: Jokes
Guy sitting at a table in a restaurant with a look like a stunned mullet and a bowl of pea soup in front of him. He wasn't moving. Just this wide eyed stare into his bowl of pea soup.
The guy on the next table, who has been waiting half an hour for his pea soup leans over and says "If you're not going to eat that, can I have it while it's still warm?"
No reply. Just this wide eyed blank look into his pea soup.
So he takes the pea soup and starts to dig in.
Just as he gets to the last spoonful, he notices a big thick green spit in the bottom of the bowl. He looks left, looks right and pukes right back into the bowl.
The other guy turns to him and says "That's as far as I got, too"
scarecrow
The guy on the next table, who has been waiting half an hour for his pea soup leans over and says "If you're not going to eat that, can I have it while it's still warm?"
No reply. Just this wide eyed blank look into his pea soup.
So he takes the pea soup and starts to dig in.
Just as he gets to the last spoonful, he notices a big thick green spit in the bottom of the bowl. He looks left, looks right and pukes right back into the bowl.
The other guy turns to him and says "That's as far as I got, too"
scarecrow
-
blind drunk
- retired
- Posts: 4848
- Joined: Mon Feb 04, 2008 12:59 am
Re: Jokes
BEST 'HEADACHE' JOKE
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'
'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom
powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'
'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom
powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'
I do all my own stunts
Re: Jokes
Son walked in on mom bouncing up and down on dad.
the next morning he asked,,
Son,,, what was you doing to daddy last night?
Mom,,, I was trying to push his big belly back in.
Son ,, It's not going to any good.
Mom,, why is that?
Son,,, Because the neighbor lady will just blow it back up!
the next morning he asked,,
Son,,, what was you doing to daddy last night?
Mom,,, I was trying to push his big belly back in.
Son ,, It's not going to any good.
Mom,, why is that?
Son,,, Because the neighbor lady will just blow it back up!
Re: Jokes
Read this and thought of you Blanik
Your chuckle for the day ! !
A group of 40 years old buddies discuss where they should go for dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before
Your chuckle for the day ! !
A group of 40 years old buddies discuss where they should go for dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before
I don't care if you lick windows,
take the special bus
or occasionally pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special
take the special bus
or occasionally pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special
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blanikdog
- Angel's Share
- Posts: 4545
- Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2005 11:55 pm
- Location: Bullamakanka, Oztrailya
Re: Jokes
hahahahahahahahhahahahahaha That's me orright, olcarguy.
blanik
blanik
Simple potstiller. Slow, single run.
(50 litre, propane heated pot still. Coil in bucket condenser - No thermometer, No carbon)
The Reading Lounge AND the Rules We Live By should be compulsory reading
Cumudgeon and loving it.
(50 litre, propane heated pot still. Coil in bucket condenser - No thermometer, No carbon)
The Reading Lounge AND the Rules We Live By should be compulsory reading
Cumudgeon and loving it.
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ct1870
- Bootlegger
- Posts: 123
- Joined: Fri Apr 03, 2009 10:43 am
- Location: Foot Hills of the Blue Ridge Mtns
Re: Jokes
I told my wife to wash her clothes in slim fast, it might make you’re a$$ look smaller. To my surprise she did not reply. The next morning I got out of the shower and grab my underwear and powder came out. I asked her, why you put powder in my underwear. She said, “it is not powder it is miracle grow mother f*@#$”
Re: Jokes
Here is one for you country boys. I have not read all the jokes posted so I am hoping I am not repeating one that has been posted already.
When you're from the country ~ you look at things a little differently...
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
When you're from the country ~ you look at things a little differently...
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
Re: Jokes
Three old men set on a park bench complaining about their morning routines
The seventy year old man says " I get up go into the bathroom stand there and stand there until my legs near give out and nothing"
The eighty year old say "I get up and go set on the crapper, strain and try until my legs and butt checks go numb and nothing"
The ninety year old man says " Every morning at 7 AM on the dot I crap like a bull moose and piss like a race horse - Worst thing ever"
The seventy year old looks at his senior asking " What in the hell are complaining about?"
"I don't get up until 8 " says the old man
The seventy year old man says " I get up go into the bathroom stand there and stand there until my legs near give out and nothing"
The eighty year old say "I get up and go set on the crapper, strain and try until my legs and butt checks go numb and nothing"
The ninety year old man says " Every morning at 7 AM on the dot I crap like a bull moose and piss like a race horse - Worst thing ever"
The seventy year old looks at his senior asking " What in the hell are complaining about?"
"I don't get up until 8 " says the old man
"Slow Down , You'll get a more harmonious outcome"
"Speed & Greed have no place in this hobby"
"Speed & Greed have no place in this hobby"
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junkyard dawg
- Master of Distillation
- Posts: 3086
- Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2006 11:40 am
- Location: Texas
Re: Jokes
Good on Ya'll!
This thread has been a little slow lately. Way to kickstart it!
I love the joke thread....
This thread has been a little slow lately. Way to kickstart it!
I love the joke thread....
this is the internet
Re: Jokes
A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.""I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE. "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WHAT?" SAID MARGE. "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT." "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE? "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED."WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL" "I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.""I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE. "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WHAT?" SAID MARGE. "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT." "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE? "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED."WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL" "I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"