New Mexico Chili Cookoff
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This very ugly woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them..
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach..
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report
Jokes
Moderator: Site Moderator
Re: Jokes
Three male Labradors, 1 chocolate, 1 yellow, and 1 black were sitting in a waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?'
The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids, but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's' bed.'
The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'
'Going to cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.'
The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, 'And why are you here?'
The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.'
'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired.
'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too'. The dejected yellow Lab said
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out
of the shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.'
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?'
The black Lab said, 'No, No, I'm here to get my nails clipped''
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?'
The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids, but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's' bed.'
The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'
'Going to cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.'
The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, 'And why are you here?'
The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.'
'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired.
'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too'. The dejected yellow Lab said
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out
of the shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.'
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?'
The black Lab said, 'No, No, I'm here to get my nails clipped''
It is not the matter, nor, the space between the matter,
but rather, it is that finite point at which the two meet,
that, and only that, is what is significant...........
(Of course, I could be wrong) ..........
but rather, it is that finite point at which the two meet,
that, and only that, is what is significant...........
(Of course, I could be wrong) ..........
Re: Jokes
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive, electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive, electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father
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King Of Hearts
- Distiller
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- Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2010 2:09 pm
Re: Jokes
To all of life's problems.Bushman wrote:
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blind drunk
- retired
- Posts: 4848
- Joined: Mon Feb 04, 2008 12:59 am
Re: Jokes
That's hilarious. Sent that to all of my drinking buddies (4,000 miles away).Bushman wrote:
I do all my own stunts
Re: Jokes
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director began the search for a replacement.
A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.
So they gave him a glass of wine to taste. The old Chief tried it and said "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable". "That's correct" said the boss. "Another glass, please!"
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results". "Absolutely correct. A third glass!"
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The old Navy Chief tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father!"
A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.
So they gave him a glass of wine to taste. The old Chief tried it and said "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable". "That's correct" said the boss. "Another glass, please!"
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results". "Absolutely correct. A third glass!"
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The old Navy Chief tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father!"
cornflakes...stripped and refluxed
Re: Jokes
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a
certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date.
His depression is e
nhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he
hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?".
The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't
get an erection".
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!":)
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a
certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date.
His depression is e
nhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he
hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?".
The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't
get an erection".
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!":)
Re: Jokes
First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
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thecroweater
- retired
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- Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 9:04 am
- Location: Central Highlands Vic. Australia
Re: Jokes
And how i laughed bushman knew a carol one farm over, her daddy bought one of grandads old farms. They didn't call her hummer coz she drove a hilman 
Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety. Benjamin Franklin
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mash rookie
- Angel's Share
- Posts: 2228
- Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2010 8:20 am
- Location: Pacific Northwest
Blonde paint job
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Re: Jokes
This ones my favorite..
There's this big fat guy and he's looking through the paper at ads to lose weight.
He sees an ad that says lose 10 lbs for $10. So he calls them up and the lady sets up and appointment gives him the address.
Goes down there against his better judgement and the receptionist says door #1 please..
He walks in and there's a redhead laying naked on the bed.. She says, if you catch me you get to have sex with me!
The fay guy runs around the room a few times, finally catches her. The next morning he steps on the scale and sees he lost 10 lbs!
He looks through the paper for that place again.. But this time the ad is bigger and says lose 20 lbs for $10. He bolts out the door..
When he gets there, the receptionist tells him door #2.. He sees a nice blonde chick on the bed who says, If you catch me you get to have sex with me!
He runs around the room, what seems like forever and finally catches her.. The next morning he steps on the scale- He lost 20 lbs!
He runs over and opens up the morning to paper to find a full page ad.. But this time is says lose 100 lbs for $10!
The door is wide open as he pulls up.. The receptionist says door #3 please as he runs in there.. It's dark and the door slams and locks behind him..
He makes out a big gorilla amped up on bowls of viagra.. the monkey says.. If I catch you..
There's this big fat guy and he's looking through the paper at ads to lose weight.
He sees an ad that says lose 10 lbs for $10. So he calls them up and the lady sets up and appointment gives him the address.
Goes down there against his better judgement and the receptionist says door #1 please..
He walks in and there's a redhead laying naked on the bed.. She says, if you catch me you get to have sex with me!
The fay guy runs around the room a few times, finally catches her. The next morning he steps on the scale and sees he lost 10 lbs!
He looks through the paper for that place again.. But this time the ad is bigger and says lose 20 lbs for $10. He bolts out the door..
When he gets there, the receptionist tells him door #2.. He sees a nice blonde chick on the bed who says, If you catch me you get to have sex with me!
He runs around the room, what seems like forever and finally catches her.. The next morning he steps on the scale- He lost 20 lbs!
He runs over and opens up the morning to paper to find a full page ad.. But this time is says lose 100 lbs for $10!
The door is wide open as he pulls up.. The receptionist says door #3 please as he runs in there.. It's dark and the door slams and locks behind him..
He makes out a big gorilla amped up on bowls of viagra.. the monkey says.. If I catch you..
Famous last words.. They get what they get and they like it too!
Re: Jokes
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast.
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thecroweater
- retired
- Posts: 6105
- Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 9:04 am
- Location: Central Highlands Vic. Australia
Re: Jokes
yep comes with age 
Ok young bull says to the old bull let run down the paddock and screw some cows, old bull says well we could but we are gona stroll down and screw them all
Ok young bull says to the old bull let run down the paddock and screw some cows, old bull says well we could but we are gona stroll down and screw them all Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety. Benjamin Franklin
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HolyBear
- Distiller
- Posts: 1600
- Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 3:23 am
- Location: Prolly diggin through Dnders posts
Re: Jokes
Three bulls on top of tha hill. The farmer drives up, says "boys, y'all ain't getting the job done, I'm gonna bring in a new bull tomorrow so that all my cows get serviced" and he drove off...
Well, the old bull says, "I don't know bout you fellas, but I service about 50 of them cows, and damn, if that new bull is getting any of mine".
The middle bull says "Well, I only service about 25, but damn if that new bull is getting any of mine".
The young bull says, "well, I've only got 1cow, and I like her, and she likes, me, and damn if that new bull is gonna get her".
Well, the next day comes, farmer drives up, opens the hate on the trailer and out walk this Big Ol Breamer bull, huge muscles ripple all over him, 8' tall at the shoulder, looked like he was on steroids with a wild look in his eye...
Well the ol bull says" you know fellas, I might have been a little hasty, he can have a few of mine".
The middle bull says"you yea, guess he can have a few of mine too".
But, all of a sudden, the young bull starts pawing the ground, snorting, throwing his head up and bluff charging.
Ol bull says"you son what are ye doing? That bull will kill ye!"
Young bull says"yea, maybe so, but I just want to make sure he knows I'm a bull before he gets started servicing"...
Well, the old bull says, "I don't know bout you fellas, but I service about 50 of them cows, and damn, if that new bull is getting any of mine".
The middle bull says "Well, I only service about 25, but damn if that new bull is getting any of mine".
The young bull says, "well, I've only got 1cow, and I like her, and she likes, me, and damn if that new bull is gonna get her".
Well, the next day comes, farmer drives up, opens the hate on the trailer and out walk this Big Ol Breamer bull, huge muscles ripple all over him, 8' tall at the shoulder, looked like he was on steroids with a wild look in his eye...
Well the ol bull says" you know fellas, I might have been a little hasty, he can have a few of mine".
The middle bull says"you yea, guess he can have a few of mine too".
But, all of a sudden, the young bull starts pawing the ground, snorting, throwing his head up and bluff charging.
Ol bull says"you son what are ye doing? That bull will kill ye!"
Young bull says"yea, maybe so, but I just want to make sure he knows I'm a bull before he gets started servicing"...
"They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." Benjamin Franklin
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junkyard dawg
- Master of Distillation
- Posts: 3086
- Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2006 11:40 am
- Location: Texas
Re: Jokes
The Perfect Story
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
A mans response... Oh, so the woman was driving... no wonder they crashed....
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
A mans response... Oh, so the woman was driving... no wonder they crashed....
this is the internet
Re: Jokes
That funny.. I remember my wife hit me once in the theater after I commented about the woman flying this space vehicle into mars in the theater- can't remember the movie title it was that one with the big grasshoppers running around 
.. I can't help it- saw a woman the other day back in and out of a parking spot with a truck trying to center it.. I used to steer clear of women in Volvos, saw all sorts of crazy accidents in Atlanta, mainly Volvo and Cadillacs. Haven't seen a volvo in a long time- they are all wrecked! I was behind this one lady in a volvo and she was putting on her makeup.. Plowed right into the rear end of a semi on the freeway She was ok though just shaken up- that's why those cars need all those crumple zones- they get used
The worst offender is the mom swerving around the freeway slapping the bad kids in the backseat..
.. I can't help it- saw a woman the other day back in and out of a parking spot with a truck trying to center it.. I used to steer clear of women in Volvos, saw all sorts of crazy accidents in Atlanta, mainly Volvo and Cadillacs. Haven't seen a volvo in a long time- they are all wrecked! I was behind this one lady in a volvo and she was putting on her makeup.. Plowed right into the rear end of a semi on the freeway She was ok though just shaken up- that's why those cars need all those crumple zones- they get usedThe worst offender is the mom swerving around the freeway slapping the bad kids in the backseat..
Famous last words.. They get what they get and they like it too!
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mash rookie
- Angel's Share
- Posts: 2228
- Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2010 8:20 am
- Location: Pacific Northwest
Re: Jokes
My girlfriend is from Georgia. She drives like a mad man. 80 mph or nothing. (She is why I post blonde jokes. beautiful but...) Luv you baby 
We are trendy up here in the PNW. Girls tailgate and text,,,,or check their email on a smart phone...at 80mph
The perfect girl. whats that???
We are trendy up here in the PNW. Girls tailgate and text,,,,or check their email on a smart phone...at 80mph
The perfect girl. whats that???
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thecroweater
- retired
- Posts: 6105
- Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 9:04 am
- Location: Central Highlands Vic. Australia
Re: Jokes
Ain't that just like a sheila , friggen perfectionist that believes in myths but not her husband, I mean t say poor blokes dying and she's still on his casejunkyard dawg wrote:The Perfect Story
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman.She's the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety. Benjamin Franklin
Re: Jokes
The Old Irish Nun....
In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader . " Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us." She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:
" DON'T SELL THAT COW."
In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader . " Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us." She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:
" DON'T SELL THAT COW."
Re: Jokes
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend,
"That's us in 10 years."
He said "That's a mirror, dip-shit!
"That's us in 10 years."
He said "That's a mirror, dip-shit!
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mash rookie
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Re: Jokes
I told you not to tell anyone damn it. Its tough enough being Irish!
Re: Jokes
They are already making jokes about our new marijuana laws.
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mash rookie
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Re: Jokes
A golfer accidentally overturned his cart.
Hearing the crash, a woman who lived on the golf course came out of her house yelled over to him. "Hey, are you okay?"
"A few cuts and bruises," he said, "but nothing seems broken."
"Come up to the house and let's get some bandages," she said.
"No," he said. "My wife wouldn't like that."
"You're hurt!" she insisted. "Come in!"
She got some antiseptic and bandages and cleaned him up, but he was in obvious pain. "Do you want a drink?" she asked.
"I'd love one," he said, "but my wife would be very unhappy."
"Nonsense!" she said, pouring a drink. "You're in obvious pain, and you need something."
As she tended to him he became aroused and she noticed. She began taking off her clothes.
"Wait!" he said. "My wife will be furious!"
"Don't be silly," she said. "You've had a trauma and this will be better than anesthesia."
Afterwards, he began to dress quickly. "Where are you running off to?" she asked.
"My wife is going to kill me!" he said.
"She'll never know anything happened," said the woman. "Where is she, anyway?"
"Under the golf cart," he said.
Hearing the crash, a woman who lived on the golf course came out of her house yelled over to him. "Hey, are you okay?"
"A few cuts and bruises," he said, "but nothing seems broken."
"Come up to the house and let's get some bandages," she said.
"No," he said. "My wife wouldn't like that."
"You're hurt!" she insisted. "Come in!"
She got some antiseptic and bandages and cleaned him up, but he was in obvious pain. "Do you want a drink?" she asked.
"I'd love one," he said, "but my wife would be very unhappy."
"Nonsense!" she said, pouring a drink. "You're in obvious pain, and you need something."
As she tended to him he became aroused and she noticed. She began taking off her clothes.
"Wait!" he said. "My wife will be furious!"
"Don't be silly," she said. "You've had a trauma and this will be better than anesthesia."
Afterwards, he began to dress quickly. "Where are you running off to?" she asked.
"My wife is going to kill me!" he said.
"She'll never know anything happened," said the woman. "Where is she, anyway?"
"Under the golf cart," he said.
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cob
- Master of Distillation
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Re: Jokes
after great debate i decided to put this here instead of the hunting thread.
there are two audios.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/1 ... 87405.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow
there are two audios.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/1 ... 87405.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow
be water my friend