Jokes

[Odin]

Love it! Thanks for sharing!

So .. there is this not too young hooker. Meeting an old sailor. Captain actually. Ready to be dismissed, to start living ashore. Wanting a family, needing a wife. Meeting ... the not too young hooker, talking to her, proposing to her, mentioning the fact he expected his "will be" spouse to be a virgin off course ...

Fast forward one week later. Not too young hooker has an appointment with the gyneacologist (wtf, let's just call that a "gyno" for now). She explains how she needs to be "a virgin" again in just two weeks time ... before she will (finally) get maried. Gyno says: "No problem, Mam! We will just take one of your hearing membrames out of your ear and ... well, put it in that place in between your legs. Believe me, that old sailor won't feel the difference!"

And so it was done. The gyno planned and performed the operation, the wedding was scheduled, and ...

Let's fast forward a few months again.

The gyno drives his car across town. All of a sudden he sees a ... not too young hooker he thinks he remembers from a surgery he performed a few months earlier. She walks down the side ways as he drives by.

He stops his car, turns down the window and calls out: "Hey Mam, how about you marieing that old saylor? Did everything turn out as planned & intended!?!"

Where up on ... the not too young hooker raises her leg and asks the doctor: "Sorry, doctor, what were you saying?"

Odin.

[swampdog 2]

ha ha I love it ,funny stuff right there

[Jkhippie]

What's the difference between "Oooohh" and "Aaahh"?

About 3 inches.

[Jkhippie]

What's an Irishman's idea of foreplay?

"Bonnie.....brace yourself!"

[heartcut]

or:
You awake?

[Odin]

Sorry Heartcut,

It is actually like this:

"You asleep?"

Odin.

[heartcut]

I stand corrected

[Odin]

Heartcut,

Do you know why a Dutch farmer has those extra wide and sturdy boots?

No?

So the ewe can't run away that easily.

Odin.

[Jkhippie]

How do you make your wife scream during sex?

Call her and tell her about it.

[Odin]

And how do you feel about sex on TV?

... a bit ... shaky.

Odin.

[Jimbo]

I once caught my girlfriend sitting on the washer naked hollering, spin cycle damn it, spin cycle.

[blind drunk]

A man checked into a hotel.
There was a computer in his room,
So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address,
and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile... Somewhere in Houston ,
a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail,
expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date:Â 7 NOV, 2011

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They gave computers here,
and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in..
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW....

[heartcut]

2 farmers driving, they miss their turn.
"Can you make a U-turn?"
"No, but I can make her eyes roll."

[jollyroger]

What's the difference in a Scottish farmer and the Rolling Stones?
The Rolling stones say " Hey, you, get offa my cloud."
A Scottish farmer says "Hey, McCloud, get offa my ewe!"

[thecroweater]

How do the Kiwi's find sheep in long grass... pretty desirable

[heartcut]

What did Cole Porter mean when he wrote "Irresistable You"?

[Coyote]

An Irish guy walks out of a bar. . .


Hey it could happen!

[swampdog 2]

HEY ODEN I heard in w.v. they call them kinda boots goat ropers

[Odin]

"Goat Ropers" ... great! Didn't know that, but it sure is a name befitting its use!

Odin.

[heartcut]

Trouble with those boots is going around front to kiss them.

[Odin]

Foreplay is so ... 2012!

Odin.

[swampdog 2]

redneck foreplay, fix me a drank an geten duh truck girl

[Jkhippie]

A friend of mine called me last night. He was out of breath, excited. I said, "What's going on, man?" He said, "Well, I took a Viagra earlier this evening, and I've had a hard-on for 6 hours!" I asked him, "Have you called your doctor?" He said, "I've called everybody!"

[heartcut]

Took a Viagra without water to wash it down and got a stiff neck.

[swampdog 2]

I get a hard on that last for six hours damn a doctor or anybody , im calling a prostitute

[heynonny]

The foreplay bit

"Wake Up!!"

[LWTCS]

hey Hey.
Good to hear ya.

[S-Cackalacky]

A termite walked into a bar and asked, "Where is the bar tender?".

[Bushman]

[Richard7]

A duck walks into a bar and ask for a pint of lager shandy. The barman stands back in amazement and says “Wow, you’re a talking duck! We don’t often get many talking ducks in” The duck replies “Well you’ll get at least one for the next four days.” “Why?” asks the barman. “Well I’m doing some plastering on the new houses being built down the road, so I’ll be in for a swift one in my dinner hour.” “That’s amazing” said the barman “I’ve got a friend who runs a circus he could do with a guy like you, he pays big wages as well, much more than you’ll be earning now. I’ll give him a bell if you like?” “Sounds great mate” said the duck “But them circus types live in tents don’t they?” “Yeah” says the barman “Why?” “Well” says the duck “What the bloody hell do they want with a plasterer?”