Jokes

[OzKev]

My wife asked me for foreplay,
I said it'd better be two of your hot friends.

[pounsfos]

How do the Kiwi's find sheep in long grass... pretty desirable

failing that some Velcro gloves and a cliff

a man from England was flying to Australia
he gets to customs and the officer asks "do you have any criminal convictions"
the man paused for a minute and replied "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"

[heartcut]

How do the Kiwi's find sheep in long grass... pretty desirable

failing that some Velcro gloves and a cliff

All you need to do is turn them over

[Odin]

http://justsomething.co/the-50-funniest ... y-objects/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

Something my youngest daughter wanted to share.

Odin.

[Husker]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."


His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today son?"

... The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."


The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive Department and sold him that Ford 4x4 Expedition."


The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "Nope. The guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.........'"

[Husker]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Obama who was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send a $ 5.00 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC. and those crooks took $95.00 in taxes.

[Jimbo]

[thecroweater]

good one husker reminds me of one I had forgotten about.
A young boy in Calabra gets out a statue of the Madonna and start to write this letter "dear a baby Jesus if I am a gooda boy for one month will you sent me a new xbox" for xmas. He things on it and thinks one month , not one step wrong this is a long time, so he screws the letter up and write another. "dear a baby jesus if I'ma good boy for two weeks can you senda me an xbox for xmas he looks thinks this is calabra 2 weeks is too long. So he starts another if I'm a good for one week....throws the letter in the bin grabs the statue runs to his room and puts it in the draw runs back to the desk and writes dear baby jesus if you ever want to see ya momma again

[Tater]

Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Scotland fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from England reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[swampdog 2]

I heard witches don't were drawers so they can get a better grip on there broom

[Truckinbutch]

I heard witches don't were drawers so they can get a better grip on there broom

The one I was married to the first time around just spit on her hands to get a better grip Them panties never came off for any reason

[5inned]

Question: What is the longest organ in a sheep’s body?
Answer: A Welsh dick


Another one:
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

[bearriver]

No he didnt.....

Cant stop laughing....

[Jimbo]

Now that my girls are old enough to confirm they're good at math, I can post this....

[Jimbo]

[Jkhippie]

If a mole of moles are digging a mole of holes, what do you see?

A mole of molasses.


What's the symbol for diarrhea?

(CO(NH2)2)2

[Frogboat Captain]

SCIENCE After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City , New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles , California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers." One week later, a local newspaper in Asheville, North Carolina reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Leicester, Bubba, a heck of an engineer and, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, North Carolina had already gone wireless". Just makes a person proud to be from the South.

[Tater]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?"

"I'm an assassin, a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martin sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."


"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

[Bushman]

[apdb]

Alright, now I know a few of you are going to be making Eggs Benedict for breakfast tomorrow morning. I'd like to remind you that you should always use a stainless steel bowl when you're making the sauce....

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE CHROME FOR THE HOLLANDAISE!!!!

Merry Christmas everyone!

[swampdog 2]

I woke up on the couch this morning after a hard night of drinking I looked down and seen my dick was orange ,I rushed to the doctor to see what was going on, he asked what did you do last night, I replied last thing I remember was setting on the couch watching porno and eating cheetos

[Bushman]

[Jkhippie]

Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!

[Tater]

What Starts With “F”, And Ends With ”K” ??????

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, ‘'Johnny, what's your problem?'’

Johnny answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him, and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal:
“What is 3 x 3?”

Johnny:
‘'9.'’

Principal:
‘'What is 6 x 6?'’

Johnny:
‘'36.'’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘'I think Johnny can go
to the 3rd grade'’

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.'’

The principal and Johnny both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘'What does a cow have four of
that I have only two of?'’

Johnny, after a moment: ‘'Legs.'’

Ms. Brooks: ‘'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'’

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Johnny replied: ‘'Pockets.'’

Ms. Brooks: ‘'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'’

Johnny:
‘'Pants.'’

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: ‘'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'’

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Johnny replied, ‘'Bubble gum.'’

Ms. Brooks: ‘'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does on three legs?'’

Johnny: ‘'Shake hands.'’

The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: ‘'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?'’

Johnny:
‘'Firetruck.'’

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘'Put Johnny in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'’

[googe]

A man goes to see his psychiatrist wearing pants made from glad wrap, the psychiatrist looks at him and says, I can clearly see your nuts!.

[heynonny]

Our school colors were clear,

I said, 'Im not naked, Im in the band!'

[Jimbo]

Looks about right...

[Tater]

Jewish Rye....Get some...

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies. You'll feel like 40 again!"

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

[drunk-pat100]

What did the grape say when it got steped on?

Nothing it just let out a lil wine!

[Coyote]

Why older men don't get hired…

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a shit what you think."

Coyote