Jokes

[frodo]

got a true story'

Back in the 80's I was living in a small apartment next door to my girlfriends house, she lived with her Momma.
we got into a fight over who the hell knows, lotta yelling and of course she was throwing my stuff'
finally, after we both told each other F you. she went home, I went to bed.
I was a poor plumbers helper, No AC, a fan in the window,
I was woke up, by the sound of shoes on gravel, and i saw a flash light .
so I grabbed my 12 gauge, tipped toed to the door. someone was on the other side of the screen door.
with out saying anything, i kicked the screen door open, and stuck the barrel in the face of one of Houston's finest.
RUT ROO!!!!. he was yelling,,,I was Yelling....we WAS YELLING....I lowered the gun, leaned it against the wall.
i asked him what the hell was he doing? e could have been shot.
he told me to shut up and step outside.

Now, I do not know a lot, but, I KNOW I am safe in my house, have done nothing wrong.
and AM NOT stepping outside across that threshold.

I told him so. he said I need to step out, and give him my ID..I said .I can hand you my ID from here.
after you tell me why you need my id.was i snoring to loud?
he said their was a disturbance at this address
I said only disturbance is you
Ok..he is one pissed off cop,wants to arrest me.but cant.so he tells me,
"I'll see you around"

for the next 2 weeks, every time I drove anywhere, I got a ticket for something..it was so bad, i sold my ride and got a different one

I had over a grand in tickets.

fast forward..about a year

I had come into a little cash, me and the girlfriend getting along. life's good
I asked her to pay off my tickets, while i was at work
with warrants and fines it had climbed to over 1500.00
she said..YES her and momma going down town anyway.

I came home,,she said she paid all of it,

did i want the receipts? no,,I dont need em...thank you BABE!!!

fast forward..'bout another year

we done broke up...I rebuilt a old chevy tradesmen 100 van with a 225 slant six...needs inspection sticker
I am driving home from work..a cop pass's me, i see his brake lights, I know he saw the inspection sticker out.
so i pulled over waiting on him..sure enough..ticket.he runs my name.
then, asks me to "step out" oh oh..that aint good!!!!
he arrests me for outstanding ticket warrants
WTF..
I am protesting..loudly,,telling him about paying the tickets
he is listening, finally, it dawns on me, and him, at the same time
she done ripped me off!!!
we both started laughing,,but he took me to jail anyway..{nice guy,actually]

I called my boss...you want me to be at work tomorrow? better come get my ass tonight!!!
__________________

[frodo]

new way to tie your shoes

[pfshine]

16 sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by batman.

[frodo]

NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA

[pfshine]

Pavlov is sitting at a bar enjoying a beer one evening. The phone rang at the bar and Pavlov jumped up and shouted "shit.... I forgot to feed my dog!"

[Odin]

Yes, my friends, it is time for some “Cooperism”! Here are what may well be the best nine jokes by the unexceeded Tommy Cooper:

Whisky
1 • I’m on a whisky diet . . . last week I lost three days!

Fortune Teller
2 • I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, ‘Your future looks pretty black.’ I said, ‘Are you kidding? I’ve still got my gloves on!

Doctor
3• I said to the doctor, ‘It hurts when I do this’ [raises arm]. He said, ‘Well, don’t do it.’

Alarm clock
4• A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, ‘Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.’ He said, ‘An alarm clock? Does it bother him?’ She said: ‘It doesn’t bother him, but it bothers me.’ He said, ‘Why?’ She said: ‘Well, every time I go to wind it up, he bites my finger.’

Soup
5• I said to the chef, ‘Why have you got your hand in the alphabet soup?’ He said, ‘I’m groping for words!’

Doctor (2)
6• My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn’t even finish drinking the hot bath!

Dreams
7• Last night I dreamt I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone.

Driver
8 • A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, ‘Didn’t you see the arrows?’ He said, ‘Arrows? I didn’t even see the Indians.’

Gambling
9 • Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.

[Bushman]

[Bushman]

[Bushman]

[Tater]

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost," says the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly",' the Chinese man says, "but on one condition." "If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man'". "OK," the man replies, and enters the house. Over dinner, the daughter comes down the stairs. She is young and beautiful, with a fantastic body. She is obviously attracted to the young man and can't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignores her and goes up to bed alone. During the night he can bear it no longer and sneaks into her room for a night of passion. He is careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he creeps back to his room, exhausted but happy. He wakes to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he sees a large rock on his chest with a note on it that reads: "Chinese Torture 1....Large rock on chest.". "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thinks. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picks the boulder up, walks over to the window and throws the boulder out. As he does,he notices another note on it that reads: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glances down and sees the rope, getting very close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones is better than castration, he jumps out of the window after the boulder. Plummeting towards the ground, he sees a large sign on the ground that reads, "Chinese Torture 3....Right testicle tied to bed post."

[Bushman]

For some reason this struck me as funny!

[frodo]

[frodo]

thVB12WX9D.jpg (11.63 KiB) Viewed 2510 times

[Bushman]

Jimbo, I thought of you when I saw this one!
http://www.lassco.co.uk/a-french-cognac ... ling-table" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

[WooTeck]

Jimbo, I thought of you when I saw this one!
http://www.lassco.co.uk/a-french-cognac ... ling-table" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

I would change that to full of me... That would scar some kids

[Bushman]

Honey-Do to Honey-Did……

Today, the wife of a friend of mine said to him, "Honey, get off your ass and fix that gutter downspout! I want it done before the end of the day!

Well, as you all know, my friend, most our age are retired and do have the time to address such "Honey do's"..

So, he invited some of us neighborhood buddies over to help with the project. One is a sheet metal fabricator. One brought his welder. One brought beer and Nachos. One brought a grill and burgers. Took us about 4-6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the burgers.

As usual, the wife is still not happy! I can't understand, cause all us guys love it! Personally, I cannot wait for it to rain again.

[Tal]

This old fella, just turned 79, goes to the doc for a checkup. The doc says" I havnt seen you for a long time, how have you been?"...."Ive been good doc, just got married to a sweet young thing only 28 years old and guess what?...we gonna have a baby!...what do you think about that?" the old guy replied.....the doc thought for a moment and said. "You know, I have a guy who comes and see's me off and on...he's about your age...lives on a big property over on the coast. The other day he was out in his truck out the back of his property when suddenly a big Red Stag stepped out in front of him and just stood there! The old guy reached behind his seat for his rifle and wouldn't you know it...he had left it at home so out of frustration he pointed his walking stick at it and said loudly "BANG!" bugger me if the stag didn't fall over dead!..what do you make of that??"...the 79 year old thought for a moment and said "Well, I suppose someone else fired the shot?"...."Exactly what I was thinking" said the doc,

[Tal]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Australia and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from England. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a American girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

[Jimbo]

Jimbo, I thought of you when I saw this one!
http://www.lassco.co.uk/a-french-cognac ... ling-table" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

haha! sounds about right.

[Odin]

What women say ... and what they really meant:

http://www.engelsetaal.org/humor/wifespeak" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

Mvg. Odin.

[Bushman]

Before retiring I would have loved to have had this shirt as it probably applies to 90% of the faculty meetings I attended.

[Odin]

Oh! This is maybe the funiest, yet most informative video I ever saw!

https://www.facebook.com/thisischildspl ... 1/?fref=nf" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

Regards, Odin.

[kiwi Bruce]

I love this poster, all my evil brewing plans! Kiwi Bruce

[Bushman]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says "License and registration please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says,"I slowed down and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration please."

The lawyer says, "What is the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration please!" The deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me a ticket. If not you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle, sir," says the deputy

At this point the deputy puts down his nightstick and starts pinching the lawyer incessantly between the thighs (where it hurts the most) and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down."

[Truckinbutch]

Well , you reaal got to watch them Texas cops . Old 'Cuz' Yost talked me into takin a trip with him to Amarillo one time back years ago . Needed to get the load delivered and turn a reload back east asap . Had him an old Brockway cabover with a 425 Cat ahead of a PIE 4x4 manual with a 2 speed Browning overdrive . 3 stick transmission that was a bitch to drive until you got used to it . Triple digit truck anywhere you had enough road to cut that badger loose .
Anyhow , I took a turn that got us to Okie City and we fueled up and showered and ate and Cuz took the wheel and I hit the bunk for some rest . The roar of that Cat mellowed as Cuz climbed the gears and just about the time the tar strips stopped thumping under the tires I fell asleep . You approach triple digits and the tar strips don't thump like they do at lower speeds .
>Next I knew ; Cuz was cussin , droppin gears , and climbing on brakes and then we was pullin off to the side of the highway . Thought we must have blowed a tire .
> By the time I got me roused out of the bunk we were stopped on the side of I-40 and a Shamrock , Tx cop was beside our truck screaming because he was so mad .
>Shouted up at Cuz ,"DAMN YOU , DRIVER ! I just clocked you at ONE HUNDRED AND SEVEN MILES AN HOUR COMING INTO MY TOWN ! WHAT IN THE HELL WAS YOU THINKING ?"
>My unflappable buddy , Cuz , looked down out of the window at him and said ,"I was just thinkin about shiftin up one more gear ." Wrong answer , I guess . He made us both get down out of the truck and stand there while he wrote Cuz this hellacious speeding ticket . Then , after Cuz had signed for it and the paperwork was done ; he snatched out his night stick and whopped Cuz right in the head . I was standin thee all popeyed and open mouthed when he whopped me a lick too .
>Rubbun my head , I asked him ,"Whuffo you whack me for ? I wasn't drivin !"
>"Just makin your wish come true , boy ."
>"How you figger that ?"
>"BOY ! You know damned well that if I hadn't done that you two wouldn't have gotten more than 10 miles down the road before you told that buddy of yours ,'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried hittin me with that stick !' Now , you two watch your speed and have a nice day ."

[Bushman]

Saw this and thought of all our farmers on the forum:

[kiwi Bruce]

i could not resist posting this!

[HDNB]

posted on FB:

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend.
until the LSD wears off...
When i realize i'm just dragging a mannequin around the Wendy's parking lot.

[Hound Dog]

posted on FB:

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend.
until the LSD wears off...
When i realize i'm just dragging a mannequin around the Wendy's parking lot.

Ahhh.... the good ol' days!

[HDNB]

Aussie MMA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRddLDynsCs" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow