Jokes

[Kareltje]

Reminds me of the guy who asked for the instructions with his new bought hammer.

[HDNB]

There are 3 types of people in this world.

those that can do math. And those that can't.

[cranky]

Sadly this isn't actually a joke but I think it's funny just the same.

Much to my dismay, my wife has recently begun occasionally shopping at that most evil of enterprises, Trader Joe's. Today I went in with her and while looking around noticed this

Beef-less ground beef!?!? Doesn't that just make it "Ground"?

[sltm1]

Mmmmmmm....a last meal just before a dirt nap!

[Kareltje]

Sadly this isn't actually a joke but I think it's funny just the same.

Much to my dismay, my wife has recently begun occasionally shopping at that most evil of enterprises, Trader Joe's. Today I went in with her and while looking around noticed this

BEEF-LESS - C.jpg

Beef-less ground beef!?!? Doesn't that just make it "Ground"?

I could give a whole lecture about the importance of replacing beef with beef-replacements. But as I like meat very much myself and as I like your observation very much, I will not do that.
Beef-less beef? Must be a very ironic mind to think of such a phrase.

[kiwi Bruce]

I belong to PETA as well...

People Eating Tasty Animals...

[HDNB]

So I was sitting in a bar one day last week and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!"

So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

[HDNB]

A little later that night I asked a hot Chinese girl for her number.

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I must have had: "Wow! Must be my lucky night!" written all over my face

Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

at least i got the digits.

[The Baker]

Not a Chinese lady from New Zealand??

Geoff

[Mike6090]

Why do all Norwegian ships have bar codes on the sides?

So they can Scan-da-navy-in

[cranky]

I was just watching a review of the new Tesla model X and something occurred to me...

If your Tesla gets stolen does it become an Edison?

[Oldvine Zin]

I was just watching a review of the new Tesla model X and something occurred to me...

If your Tesla gets stolen does it become an Edison?

Not sure if everyone here would get that but I did

OVZ

[pfshine]

I feel like most people should know in my life, but wouldn't. But here I think most would get it as we are a smart inventive and history mindful family here.
Edison does get my goat sometimes, everybody "knows" he invented the lightbulb and a whole slew of other things. They tout how he patented x-thousands of inventions. But don't realize that he was just a businessman that had teams of men doing all the work. Not only that but he was pretty awful as a human. He killed lots of animals at fairs and shows and conferences to try and sway people and lie about alternating current and Tesla. He once bought an elephant and took it to a fair where he gathered people around. Then proceeded to trash Tesla and ac. He the flipped a switch and electrocuted that elephant to death. All for his ego and money.

Edit: sorry for the rant. I haven't had anybody around that I could rant about stupid things to lately.

[Kareltje]

I knew about the genius of Tesla, but not of the killing of elephants by Edison.

L'elephant de Nantes

Edit: sorry for the rant. I haven't had anybody around that I could rant about stupid things to lately.

I take it you are not married?

[HDNB]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?

“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”

[kiwi Bruce]

An Abstinence...

3 oz of Absinthe, 1 oz of Cranberry, topped off with Ginger Ale... in a 8 oz glass with ice...

Haven't tried one yet...but the day is still young

[kiwi Bruce]

A Teetotaler...

someone who only drinks "Long Island Iced Tea"

[kiwi Bruce]

A Catatonic...

1 oz Cranberry Vodka, a splash of Grand Marnier, topped up with Tonic

[HDNB]

Don't piss off my wife.


While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, the ole lady passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

[HDNB]

Why would you go to someone's funereal that didn't come to yours?

[Bushman]

[MoonBreath]

[kiwi Bruce]

I am such a DOPE ! This is what he meant ! ! !

Thank you, Bushman !... I'll correct this P.D.Q !

[Kareltje]

I do miss the cigars! And of course you need an umbrella to prevent diluting your drinks and quenching your cigars.

[pfshine]

Nothing has changed in 3000 years.

[heynonny]

[HDNB]

A woman came home and told his husband, “Honey, you know that headache that’s been bothering me all these years? I’m finally cured!”

“Cured?” the man asked, “How did that happen?”

“My friend Johanna recommended that I go see a hypnotist. The hypnotist told me to stand in front of a mirror and repeat ‘I don’t have a headache, I don’t have a headache, I don’t have a headache.’”

The woman continued with a broad smile, “I was skeptical at first, but I tried it out, and it worked! No more headache!”

“That’s amazing!” the man replied.

The woman squirmed a bit, and then hesitantly said, “Honey, for the last few years, you haven’t exactly been a Tarzan in bed. How about you go to the hypnotist too, maybe he can help you out?”

The man thought about it for a while, and then decided that it couldn’t hurt to try. After his visit to the hypnotist, the man returned home with new confidence. He lifted his wife up, carried her to the bedroom, undressed her and said:

“Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

The man walked briskly to the bathroom. After a short while, he came back to bed and made passionate love to her like never before.

The wife said breathlessly, “Oh my, now that’s what I’m talking about.”

After they were done, the man once again said, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

He went to the bathroom, and after a short while he came back and they made love even more passionately than before.

“Oh my, that was wonderful” the woman said.


The man got up again, and said, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” And for a third time, he went to the bathroom.

This time, the woman couldn’t resist the temptation. She sneaked out of the bed and followed her husband. There she saw him standing in front of the mirror, repeating:

“She’s not my wife, she’s not my wife, she’s not my wife.”

[ShineonCrazyDiamond]

Bwahahahaha.

[Bushman]

[MoonBreath]