The liar's bench

[thecroweater]

Some folks think those spines sticking out are claws but nup they are just spines like porcupine quills, their cute little wing claws look like this

They are quite the songster too

[Truckinbutch]

You got some interesting critters there , Mate .

[goinbroke2]

Interesting? Hell 99% of critters in Aussie land will kill ya D.E.D dead!

Mosquito? kill ya!
Roo? Kill ya
Snakes? Kill ya
Spiders? Kill ya
STD's? Kill ya

Damn, everything will kill ya there!

Think i'd rather hit tazy instead.

[Truckinbutch]

Well , damnit! man ! Did ya rekin you'd be getting out of this life alive ?
Everything has the potential of killin ya .
It's a matter of choosing wisely and prolonging the outcome as long as possible .

[goinbroke2]

Lol! Too true TB!

I'm doing the prolong bit and that excludes dying from a tsetse fly attack.

[thecroweater]

Bloke, glass houses an chit, my folk cut outa that frozen hell for a spot of sunshine, dry feet and critters less inclined to chew ya to bits
Y'all got
1. Moose
2 Black widow spider
3 Prairie rattlesnake
4 Cougar
5 Polar bear
6 Grizzly bear
7 Black bear
8 Massassauga rattlesnake
9 Wolf
10 Coyote
Not to mention ice, ship tons of ice and show with temps that have got down to -80' , glad to say I don't know what that's like and that's from a dude with some Inuit blood in his veins. That said it ain't skinny dipping weather here tonight with snow forecast latter which is still better than the sleet earlier on

[Truckinbutch]

Now , 'splain the other side , Mate . Climate may be better but ; what's gonna threaten your well being in Aussland ?

[The Baker]

Now , 'splain the other side , Mate . Climate may be better but ; what's gonna threaten your well being in Aussland ?

Well, not tse tse flies anyway.
Nor rabies.
Maybe snakebite.

Geoff

[thecroweater]

Well we got a lot of potentially dangerous critters but most of those dangers are to do with defence so ya not going to get envenomised by a platypus unless you are really dicking round with it. Snakes do deserve some respect as we do have about 30 of the of the world's 32 most venomous snakes that's just a fact but as far as animals hunting you down, the only land animal is the salt water crocodile. They are only in the north and only around water but for sure common sense needs to be used in their territory. We got a few nasty bugs too I guess. There are a few very ready spiders but they are either not common or not wide spread. The Sydney funnel webs are ready but there range is small, mouse spiders are wide spread but uncommon and rarely out during daylight. Most Aussies probably never even seen one and even I could probably count on my fingers how many I've come across (only ever two out of their borrows during the day) . Redbacks ( closely related to black widow's) these shit heads are everywhere but not quick to bite nor particularly lethal, that said they are super painfully and will make ya pretty crook for a few weeks. White tail spiders, ok these little Asian imports do suck arse and I have personally been bit with their flesh destroying venom but for most people what this means is a burning or inching ulcer say between a nickel and dime size that will come and go for a time, for me this was about 5 or 6 years on my hip.
There are a bunch of sea creature not all endemic to OZ that are bad news but like before most Aussies would have never seen em. The well known ones are box jellyfish ( painful) bluebottle jellyfish that can even sting ya when dead as I found out. I traveled up north with a member here (Empty glass) to help him install a commercial still and we stopped at Sydney on the way home. So I was jogging along the beach that morning before we left and got some tentacles wrapped around my ankle, luckily some surfie chicks spotted it and stopped me flicking it off with their board, it did take a while to start to sting and first just like nettles but by the time I got back to the room ( and shower) the welts were visible and burning a bit. We also have blue ringed octopus that are infact super deadly but you are very unlikely to get bit unless you are dicking round with em. From what I've been told you have about 3 to 5 minutes before the venom stops your heart but if it can be manually kept going for another 5 to 10 minutes you have a chance at recovery. As a kid a Brough a couple of these back to camp and my parents just about had kittens over it, gawd it was worse than when I give them the baby tiapan for their anniversary. I did have a pet monitor as a kid for awhile before releasing it and they are potentially venomous but not prone to bite unprovoked,mine was quite small possiblity under 2 ft but some of these buggers get pretty damn big eventually. The biggest one I followed was in the red Centre was probably around 12 ft and I got a bit close taking photos when it turned and hissed/growled causing me to back the hell off.

[Saltbush Bill]

Noticed that Crow mentioned our Funnel Webs,
Just so Ya'll know what happens if ya do get bit.
Envenomation symptoms observed following bites by these spiders are very similar. The bite is initially very painful, due to the size of the fangs penetrating the skin.[14] Puncture marks and local bleeding are also usually visible. If substantial envenomation occurs, symptoms generally occur within minutes and progress rapidly.
Early symptoms of systemic envenomation include goose bumps, sweating, tingling around the mouth and tongue, twitching (initially facial and intercostal), salivation, watery eyes, elevated heart rate, and elevated blood pressure. As systemic envenomation progresses, symptoms include nausea, vomiting, shortness of breath (caused by airway obstruction), agitation, confusion, writhing, grimacing, muscle spasms, pulmonary oedema (of neurogenic or hypertensive origin), metabolic acidosis, and extreme hypertension. The final stages of severe envenomation include dilation of the pupils (often fixed), uncontrolled generalised muscle twitching, unconsciousness, elevated intracranial pressure, and death. Death generally is a result of progressive hypotension or possibly elevated intracranial pressure consequent on cerebral oedema.[12][21][22]
The onset of severe envenomation can be rapid. In one prospective study, the median time to onset of envenomation was 28 minutes, with only two cases having onset after two hours (both had pressure immobilisation bandages applied).[12] Death may occur within a period ranging from 15 minutes[17] (this occurred when a small child was bitten) to three days.
Seems he forgot to mention one of our lil jelly fish....one of the small cute ones.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irukandji_jellyfish

[HDNB]

Thankfully here in the frozen north you can see the shit that'll kill ya dead from a long ways off. if you're smart, through the lens of a rifle scope since most of them taste pretty good too.

People think the bears are the dangerous ones and it is wise to give them a wide berth but honestly you have to try pretty hard to find a bear on an occasional stroll...unless you frequent their feeding areas.
Cougars are pretty rare too, likely be et by a shark before one of the big cats gets ya.

little known to most, the thing that kills more people is the dreaded moose. These swamp donkeys will sneak up on ya at your campfire and drag you and drown you in the closest water. The scientists figure that they know your decomposing body will fertilize their favorite food, aquatic plants. Moose have been documented attacking people from the front and the rear in sneak attacks and even with organized guerilla warfare where the pretty cows will bleat at you and bat their long eye lashes while they stand knee deep in the water in the perfect photographic pose.

While the unsuspecting are busy with their cameras, a gang of young bull moose will jump the unwary and quick as a wink have you off to your watery grave.

don't say i didn't warn y'all.

[thecroweater]

Dunno about ole mate Bullwinkle but skip old son will definitely give that a shot if the opportunity presents. I found that out during the 1982 flood when I foolishly chased one across a flooded billabong . About halfway across it turned and grappled me forcing my head under and I started laying into it. Fortunately the current dragged us a bit deeper when I could still just stand with my head above water but he couldn't so I pushed him under and held him till he was still and bubbles rose. Figuring the danger passed I let go and up he popped, we started at each other for a few seconds and went our separate ways but I had a good scar on my left breast from his claw for a good few years. I was 12 when this happened but these jokers won't think twice about dragging a dog down.


We do have a few introduce federal animals that can be dangerous from time to time. Wild bull camels can be dangerous durring breeding season also Brumbies(Mustangs) and wild boar. I've had a couple of run ins with water buffalo to know ya don't mess with them when they got calves or otherwise freaked out too. Checking out a black swan nest I found can go pear shaped very quickly as well.

[goinbroke2]

Ol bastard roo!

We got a new family of muskrats in our lake as of a couple weeks ago. Been gone for about 8 years now as they attacked a swimmer and got hunted. But... They're baaaaaack!
Must of came from a nearby lake, lots of stuff moving over as our lake is clean and the nearest one is the one the city folk come to. Couple of beavers knocked some trees down on the road from the city to the lake, but not on the one between lakes, subtle hint.

[stillanoob]

This happened a long while back when I was young but I thought I'd share it here anyway. I was working construction way back then as a carpenter and we had somebody's nephew kinda forced upon us for the summer. Young, eager beaver that knew it all. You know the type. Hell, I was that type. He had been on the job site for a couple of weeks and had been getting under the skin of everybody. Doing things like putting the safety guard back on your skill saw, that kinda crap.

So there we were, working away one morning when one of the guys started cussing and said "goddammit, now we need the board stretcher" which is what we would say whenever somebody screwed up and cut a board too short. Eager pipes up and says he will go grab it, where was it? Before anybody could start laughing at him I said that ours was busted and he would need to go to the rental place and rent one. It was about a 1/2 hour drive there. Everybody somehow keeps a straight face and he jumps in the car and off he goes.

About an hour later he is back. I expect to see him looking pissed but when he walks up he says the guy at the rental place said it was already rented out but it would be returned in an hour or so. I've know the feller that works at the rental place for years and I have to admit that I didn't know he had it in him. I had mad respect for him ever after. By the grace of the almighty everybody kept it together and we had lunch with Eager and then he headed back off to get the board stretcher.

This time when he got back he had a storm cloud over him and he stomped up and tried to tell us off. But it isn't easy to tell off a group of guys that are laughing so hard they are literally on the ground, rolling in the dirt and crying. He stormed off, swearing revenge and to tell his uncle. After we recovered and picked ourselves up we went back to work and had a nice quiet rest of the day without Eager telling us what we were doing wrong. Around quitting time as we are cleaning up and putting away tools we saw the Uncle's truck pulling up and thought oh boy, time to pay the piper. But as he approached we saw he had a six pack in each hand. He thanked us all and we had a laugh and a beer together. He said Eager wasn't a bad kid but needed some schooling and that he appreciated us doing our part. Eager came back the next day and truth be told he handled it like a man. He really wasn't that bad a kid and by the end of the summer had some skills and wasn't such a gigantic pain in the ass.

Me and my brother in law (who was there) still laugh about the board stretcher whenever we screw up and cut a board too short. Which was as recently as last week, we have been building a new generator shed. It was him, I SWEAR!

[Truckinbutch]

I swear ! I cut that sombitch off twice and it's still too short !

[Truckinbutch]

A feller , too full of alcohol , was stompin around the local pub lookin for a fight . Me , being in a bad mood ,asked him if he was the brother of a certain lady .
He acknowledged that he was .
I asked him if he had any pictures of his sister naked and he said no .
When I asked him if he wanted to buy some was when the fight started .

[goinbroke2]

Well, due to all the crap going with the Canadian government banning guns and stuff,the wife agreed to let me buy more guns before I at get any. Been looking at a couple of shotguns and maybe a 30-06 or something along those lies. Went to Canadian tire and all they have is pellet/bb guns. All the "dangerous guns" are in the city,1 1/2 hours away! Bastards!
I found a local guy who sells a bunch and his nickname is T-Rex.
Apparently he's a small arms dealer.

[Yonder]

“found a local guy who sells a bunch and his nickname is T-Rex.
Apparently he's a small arms dealer.“

Word on the street is he don’t care much for handgrenades, tho’.

[Truckinbutch]

Arms market is limited and highly priced right now wherever you look .

[kiwi Bruce]

Arms market is limited and highly priced right now wherever you look .

You can say that again ! I got into home-building rifles when I found a parts kit, including the barrel, for $80 delivered, that's only five years ago...that same kit today is $1400 or higher ! IF you can find one ...and the receivers are like trying to find hens teeth.

[Truckinbutch]

Conserve what you got . This isn't just a USA thing . We will be a while sorting this out .(Delete this if it violates rules .)

[Truckinbutch]

So , SOH wanted a new kitten after our old cat and my Aussie passed from old age .
Be careful what ya call for .
My reincarnation of Huck Finn buddy , Brock , had semidomesticated a feral cat that dropped a litter of 7 Calicos .
SOH just had to have one . She wanted a little cuddly snuggle bugger to be her buddy .
What she came home with was a snarling , spitting , stand on your hind legs fighting , replica of 'GODZILLA' that immediately attacked her 40# blue heeler .
3# vs 40# ; I judge this kitten to have class and potential .
First time she attacked me we came to an understanding ; after I defeated all her efforts to claw and bite me ,I held her still and spit in her face and held her still until she submitted . We been buddies ever since . Not so much with SOH :
She still gets bit and clawed when she want's to cuddle .
Day before yesterday she was trying to play 'Goody Two Shoes' with the cat and dog on a potty mission for the dod .
The cat got outside and SOH got frantic 'cause of coyotes and feral cats .
When I wasn't much help , she enlisted our oldest daughter to help catch her kitty .
3 hours I sat at my computer desk watching the 'great cat chase' evolve on my security cameras . Two gals and an Australian Blue Heeler chasing a 6# calico cat over , around , and under a motorhome , my pickup truck and JD Gator , and 2 other passenger vehicles . That cat was having a ball !
They , the chasers , wore out and gave up the ghost and came in to rest and get a drink .Still worried that that little kitty would not survive the night outside .
Watching her in the security cams made it easy for me .
About 30 minutes and she got lonesome for someone to play with and came to the door .
I stood from my chair , walked 7 steps , and opened the door for that little kitten to run in the house .
Right then I learned that neither my wife , nor my daughter had forgotten their 'barn talk'.
Problem was ; they used it on me instead of the kitten .
You don't chase pussy . You develop a style that makes it want to come to you .

[goinbroke2]

And that, ladies, is how it's done.{ closes door and walks back to the chair}

Lol, too funny TB.

[Truckinbutch]

Tried to share a pic of me and that kitten watching car crash videos from Ytube .Failed for lack of skill on my part .

[Yonder]

OUTfricken standin’ TB, simply outfricken standin’.

[Truckinbutch]

OUTfricken standin’ TB, simply outfricken standin’.

Thanks .

[thecroweater]

Kinda reminds me of a fishing story Butch

"Fish swimming down a stream spots a fly flying right over him. The fish thinks, "if that fly drops six inches, I can jump and catch that fly."
A bear see the fish that sees the fly. The bear thinks, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly and I can catch the fish."
A hunter sees the bear that sees the fish that sees the fly. The hunter thinks, "if the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, and I can shoot the bear."
A mouse sees the hunter that sees the bear that sees the fish that sees fly. The mouse thinks, "If the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and I can get the cheese in the hunters lunch."
A cat sees the mouse that sees the hunter that sees the bear that sees the fish that sees the fly. The cat thinks, "If the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will get the cheese, and I can catch the mouse.
The fly dropped six inches.
The fish caught the fly, the bear caught the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse got the cheese, and the cat pounce for the mouse but miss and landed in the stream.
Moral of the story: Every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet!"

[Truckinbutch]

LMAO !

[goinbroke2]

Visited a buddy of mine in town. We were sitting there talking and he says "want a beer"? I said "sure" and he calls the dog over. Tells the dog "shep, go get a beer boy"
Off he goes and comes back with a beer in his mouth. Buddy says it again and in a few minutes he's back with another beer.
"Damn, that is really cool, training a dog to get your beer for you" I said.

He said "that's only half of it, he's getting them from the neighbors fridge"!

[Truckinbutch]

Would he sell that dog ?