The liar's bench

[goinbroke2]

Ha! I asked, nope but he might sell his parakeet that brings back twigs and leaves from his other neighbors "medicinal plants" that are growing behind his garage.

[Yonder]

A feller , too full of alcohol , was stompin around the local pub lookin for a fight . Me , being in a bad mood ,asked him if he was the brother of a certain lady .
He acknowledged that he was .
I asked him if he had any pictures of his sister naked and he said no .
When I asked him if he wanted to buy some was when the fight started .

Well, ya know I once had a similar experience. Big, ugly spud walked into a place I frequented bragging far too loud and far too long about how his wife was pregnant. “Gonna have a baby, she was.” It was all good until I congratulated him and then asked “Who do you suspect?” Got testy after that. Some things got broke.

[Truckinbutch]

A feller , too full of alcohol , was stompin around the local pub lookin for a fight . Me , being in a bad mood ,asked him if he was the brother of a certain lady .
He acknowledged that he was .
I asked him if he had any pictures of his sister naked and he said no .
When I asked him if he wanted to buy some was when the fight started .

Well, ya know I once had a similar experience. Big, ugly spud walked into a place I frequented bragging far too loud and far too long about how his wife was pregnant. “Gonna have a baby, she was.” It was all good until I congratulated him and then asked “Who do you suspect?” Got testy after that. Some things got broke.

Yep ; a lot of bent noses got started thataway .

[thecroweater]

Head barman back home, Vic, had a fair sized snout, went one way and another. Every time some punk would start he'd lean across the bar and say "Listen idiot I didn't get this nose picking grapes" . Eventually I asked him how he got it, he said it was bent one way in a cheap shot playing footy and got bent back in a blue out grape picking. Nice old fella, hard but fair and honest as the day is long. The Duke box was busted but I had memorised the numbers for about every song on there so all the old blokes Vic included would shower me in coins to play their tunes and put what I wanted on, Vic's pick was always New York New York. He got a hard time from a stomach ulcer, anyways one day I go in for a few tubes after work and ask him if he's ok. Vic tells me his ulcers are playing up bad, I took a deep breath staring at my beer I say Mate you are too damn pale for ulcers, I'd be going to the quack. He said he was thinking the same and went to the Dr's soon as he knocked off. They shut him up soon as they opened him. He was riddled with the big C, they drove him in the Hotel car park a few weeks later so he could say bye to all the regular's, there wasn't hardly a shadow left of him and a week or two later he was gone. What ever the future holds, hope I don't loose my memories, too many good ole boys live there.

[Yonder]

Crow, that there’s a helluva story. Treasure them memories.

[goinbroke2]

Crow, I'll have a drink in Vic's honour! Too many good people taken away from that including both my parent in 2010. Dad has esophageal cancer and mom had copd. Dad went the best way you can go though, after going from 265 (he was 6'5) down to 170 mom finally convinced him to try cannabis. Long story short, he ate like a horse for about 2weeks and gained back 30+ pounds. He was feeling so good one day he went out with the ride on and mowed 3/4 acre then came in the garage and shared a beer with mom. After a while said the game was starting, went in the house and sat in his favourite armchair and turned it on, was dead less than a minute later.

It sucked, but his final day he did exactly what he wanted, then switched off.

I always said I wanted to go like my grandfather and die quietly in my sleep, not screaming like everyone else in the car.(sorry had to, not much on sadness)

[goinbroke2]

On a different subject...
Went into town today to pick up a bunch of stuff, about 3 miles from home I got pulled over by a cop. I saw him walking up to the truck, older cop, laid back, walking slowly. Got to my window and said "papers"
I said "scissors, I win"! And pulled away.
Looked in the mirror and he was laughing, so I kept going.

Gotta love a cop with a sense of humour!

[Truckinbutch]

Crow, I'll have a drink in Vic's honour! Too many good people taken away from that including both my parent in 2010. Dad has esophageal cancer and mom had copd. Dad went the best way you can go though, after going from 265 (he was 6'5) down to 170 mom finally convinced him to try cannabis. Long story short, he ate like a horse for about 2weeks and gained back 30+ pounds. He was feeling so good one day he went out with the ride on and mowed 3/4 acre then came in the garage and shared a beer with mom. After a while said the game was starting, went in the house and sat in his favourite armchair and turned it on, was dead less than a minute later.

It sucked, but his final day he did exactly what he wanted, then switched off.

I always said I wanted to go like my grandfather and die quietly in my sleep, not screaming like everyone else in the car.(sorry had to, not much on sadness)

About the same way my Dad went out : 2 weeks short of his 90th birthday . Emptied his last whiskey jug the night before and supervised the weighing and selling of his feeder calves that morning . Got a tidy check from the buyer . Suddenly told my BIL that he wasn't feeling good and needed to go to the house .
BIL put him in the pickup and drove him to the house and helped him in to a kitchen chair .
And ; he just died ! Didn't even fall out of the chair .
If I can get a deal like that ; book me for the trip and I'll pay in advance .

[The Baker]

My thoughts to those who have lost loved ones.

I'd like to go like my uncle.
Mum's younger sister's husband.
A commando in the second war. Moved into the old person's home a while after he was widowed.
Said it was fantastic, cooking and cleaning all done.
Still driving into town at over a hundred.
He called in then when we had the bakery, the oldies came to our town on a bus trip.
Talked to him for half an hour about the oldies and the old days.
At a hundred and two, he relaxed in the easy chair, and died.

Geoff

[Truckinbutch]

One of my best friends , Mel Forbes , some of you might know him from Ultralight Arms fame ; went to a nursing home every evening to sit with his Mother-in-law to get her to eat after she suffered a stroke .Mel was the only one she recognized . If he wasn't there ; she would not eat .
He did this for YEARS ! I would do this for a beloved family member or good friend , as well .
My wish is that I go quickly , without fuss , so as not to be that sort of a burden on a family member or friend .

[Truckinbutch]

Yea , got together with a couple of cousins last weekend and we started reminiscing . Some of their memories are just too good . They remember when I fought the gorilla at the Taylor County Fair .
Anyhow (a segue I learned from my friend Arkansas Tom who is fighting lung cancer right now ) ;
Our family was horse pullers with draft horses . My Grandpa was one of the best . He had a pulling team that would not quit and we hit most fairs during the season with all our teams knowing that Grandpaw was going to come home with the money .
Anyhow , Grandpaw won the lightweight division pull and then reinterred in the heavy weight division and won that ,too .
I don't think I mentioned that there had been a considerable amount of drinkin going on back there in the horse lines . That was normal for the time .
After the pull the old timers cooled their horses and tailgated in the horse lines .
Us youngsters were released to tour the carnival midway .
We had already viewed many sights not fit for drunk youngsters when we came up on the boxing gorilla .
For $10 you could win $50 if you could go 1 round with the gorilla .
All my cousins agreed that I could whup that hairy SOB and put up the entry fee and shoved me up on the stage .
The carney gloved me up and 'splained his rules as I was eying up that monkey on the swing and my cousins were cheering for me .
F@ck ! Holy Shit ! Quickest I ever got sober in my whole life when I stepped into that cage !
He came off that swing fighting with all 4s . Stunk and had bad breath .
His problem was being hit in the nose . I didn't have that problem and put him back on his swing .
Carnie wanted to call foul to not pay and we offered to BBQ his monkey if we didn't get more drinkin money .
Such was life in 1967 in WV .

[goinbroke2]

Speaking of old times, yesterday was 13 years to the day my buddy mark came running out of the house half crying and yelling "it's a boy, it's a boy"!!


We never did go back to Thailand.

[cob]

my brother tells that same story about P.I. : except he was pitching someone out a second floor window.

[Yonder]

Speaking of old times, yesterday was 13 years to the day my buddy mark came running out of the house half crying and yelling "it's a boy, it's a boy"!!


We never did go back to Thailand.

Yup. Workin’ on the railroad was very, very popular back in the day. Doubtless many “single parents “ from that time. Beautiful women, beautiful.

[Truckinbutch]

Had to caution my Son when he started dating in the county I got his Mother from .Told him to make sure he wasn't asking a half sister for a date .

[Truckinbutch]

Rough weekend here . SOH and oldest granddaughter went to NC to visit my middle daughter . I got the dog and the 6/70# calico cat to care for for the weekend . Dog thinks I'm a great Dad and that little cat thinks I'm a prick because I do not give her free access to the outdoors to become coyote shit .
Long as both critters are alive when SOH gets back tomorrow evening I guess I am safe .
Any y'all got similar critter issues ?

[thecroweater]

Had to caution my Son when he started dating in the county I got his Mother from .Told him to make sure he wasn't asking a half sister for a date .

Son don't go near the Indians eh
Was the story of my young life, find a nice girl from a near by town and take her home to find out how she were related . Last one come from a good few hundred miles away with an English surname so while waiting for her in her parents lounge room I was pretty horrified to see not one but two Great Grandfather's images sitting on their mantel piece, seemed I couldn't win a rigged race with a head start back then.

[Truckinbutch]

Kind of disconcerting to find out that your 'Straight Laced' ancestors were just as randy as we were ,, ain't it .
My Dad told my Mom to stop her genealogy research when she found record of one of his ancestors being in court for 'fornicating with a neighbor's cow .
I told her to check the financial records for the next week to see if that fella bought the cow .
My Dad was then officially pissed at both of us .

[Truckinbutch]

That little calico kitten that I spoke about in an earlier post is conspiring to kill me .
In the last few days I've had some chest pain and jaw pain that just got a little more severe than muscle spasms . As a precaution I have dosed with a nitro pill and things got all right .
Put my nitro on the kitchen table to be handy to all .
Small bottle inside a pill bottle with a child proof cap .
Got up this morning to a child proof cap in the kitchen , the pill bottle in the sun porch room , and the nitro nowhere to be found .
How the F does a 6# kitten manage to open a child proof cap that I struggle with ?
Next question ; if she opened the little bottle of nitro and ate all those pills , will she explode if I fling her off the porch ?
Jed , I need a little input here .
To all of you well wishers out there : I came into this world knowing that my first step from the cradle was the first step toward the grave . I do not require medical advice .
Just enjoy the show while it is still playing .

[kiwi Bruce]

Wear a mask...that calico 19 virus is a bitch

[kiwi Bruce]

This is thanks to "Snackson" and his avatar...

.Wear a mask for your personal protection..

Wear a mask.jpg (37.4 KiB) Viewed 2102 times

[stillanoob]

Many years ago, I was attempting to cross the street at a stop sign when an old man in a beat up muscle car came tearing up. Being young and obnoxious I started ripping him a new one, hey old man, WTF, too old to drive, that sort of thing. He looked me square in the eye, pointed to his crotch and cackled "speak into the mic, c@*%sucker!". He shot me a look of glee, hit the gas and burned rubber out of there leaving me in a cloud of burnt oil and rubber smoke. I was laughing as hard as I ever have and was in absolutely in awe. I always wished I'd meet that old man someday so I could shake his hand.

[goinbroke2]

That little calico kitten that I spoke about in an earlier post is conspiring to kill me .
In the last few days I've had some chest pain and jaw pain that just got a little more severe than muscle spasms . As a precaution I have dosed with a nitro pill and things got all right .
Put my nitro on the kitchen table to be handy to all .
Small bottle inside a pill bottle with a child proof cap .
Got up this morning to a child proof cap in the kitchen , the pill bottle in the sun porch room , and the nitro nowhere to be found .
How the F does a 6# kitten manage to open a child proof cap that I struggle with ?
Next question ; if she opened the little bottle of nitro and ate all those pills , will she explode if I fling her off the porch ?
Jed , I need a little input here .
To all of you well wishers out there : I came into this world knowing that my first step from the cradle was the first step toward the grave . I do not require medical advice .
Just enjoy the show while it is still playing .

TB, I remember what my dad told me one time,
"Someday your life will flash before your eyes, do something to make it interesting "
Course I tried to remind him of that one time when I came home at 3am with the rubber hose they put across the road to count cars, tied to my back bumper. He wasn't impressed, took my keys away for a week but it was ok cause I had to change the clutch anyway.

[Truckinbutch]

I hope that if my life flashes before me that it is a feature film that lasts for hours .
Never give up !

[goinbroke2]

Well, me and the wife took the trucks out last night, played a bit in the mud, parked at a clearing for tree farmers to drop their logs and had a bonfire. Lots to drink and I even did some veggies and chicken on the bbq grill I always have in the truck. Just a great time all around.
3am in the morning the neighbor starts pounding on my door, 3am!!

Good thing I was still up playing the drum or I would of been upset!

[Truckinbutch]

So , the calico kitten that SOH brought home to be her snuggle buddy turned into a demon child from HELL for her . Bites and claws her at every opportunity and demands social distancing .
Oddly , this same kitten will perch on my shoulder to watch what I watch on my screen as long as I don't try to pet her .
She developed a new game this week . When I go to piss she gets on the window ledge and bats my elbow to deflect my aim .
I've tried flushing her twice and that just gave me more bathroom cleaning duty .
Odd hobbies us retired folks will take up .

[kiwi Bruce]

I've tried flushing her twice and that just gave me more bathroom cleaning duty .
Odd hobbies us retired folks will take up .

That's what happens when you try to baptist a cat !
No more big whoppers for a while...I'll have to work on that !

[goinbroke2]

Cops came to my house this morning, looked all apologetic and said "sir, it looked is like your wife was hit by a truck".
I said "yeah, but she's got a great personality" and started laughing.
Cop was all messed up, " sir, you wife was in an accident and was taken to the hospital".
My wife came out from the living room to see what was going on(after hearing me)
I said "oh that must of been the girlfriend, my wife is right here".

Wife got all pissy, turns out our neighbor was in an accident. She's ok, but her husband Dave almost pissed himself when I told him what happen. 745 and 753 are two entirely different numbers, stupid cop, lol!

Oh, she was texting and driving, crossed the line and clipped a car stopped in the middle lane turning left.

[goinbroke2]

Ya ever notice that the wife always waits until your at the other end of the house before she asks "mrrfhmm wfffrm maymmrm"?

[The Baker]

Ya ever notice that the wife always waits until your at the other end of the house before she asks "mrrfhmm wfffrm maymmrm"?

Yeah.
I have hearing aids which are quite helpful, BUT;
I don't wear them when I am away from the house. I have to wear a mask because of the Covid and if I take it off the hearing aids get caught in the elastic and go flying!
And when I am (lately) setting up still equipment (trolleys and such) and using say the angle grinder I have to take the hearing aids out and
put on the ear muffs and that is a pain so I don't wear them then either.

Geoff