Jokes

[DSmith78]

I tripped on my wife's bra. It was a booby trap.

[Bushman]

[cranky]

This just occurred to me

What if Santa gets Covid and passes it on to every household in the world in one night and kills the entire human race on Christmas

[Bushman]

[cuginosgrizzo]

This just occurred to me

What if Santa gets Covid and passes it on to every household in the world in one night and kills the entire human race on Christmas

Nah....Santa keeps his social distance

[Windy City]

[Windy City]

[Windy City]

This is me at the airport

[HomerD]

[Bushman]

[goinbroke2]

So I was thinking...is Halloween really necessary this year?
I've been wearing a mask and eating candy for 8 months now.......

[CoogeeBoy]

BEEB8962-8841-4205-AF76-E231216A96E9.jpeg

Have you tried sharing that on WhatsApp? It wont let you!

[HDNB]

80 year old's doctor retired.
making an appointment with the new doc, the receptionist asked her to bring a list of any medications prescribed to her for her appointment with the new young doctor.
Going through the list the young doctor grew wide-eyed when he read the birth control pills on the list.
"Mrs. Smith, he sez, why are you taking birth control pills? Certainly there is no reason for them?"

Gramma says, "well doc, these pills help me sleep"
Confused, the doctor replies, "Mrs. Smith i can assure you, there is nothing in these pills that will help you sleep!"

Granny smiles and reaches over, patting the young doctor's knee, she says "i know dear."

"But none the less, every morning i grind one up and stir into my 16 year old granddaughter's orange juice." "and that helps me sleep at night."

[acfixer69]

80 year old's doctor retired.
making an appointment with the new doc, the receptionist asked her to bring a list of any medications prescribed to her for her appointment with the new young doctor.
Going through the list the young doctor grew wide-eyed when he read the birth control pills on the list.
"Mrs. Smith, he sez, why are you taking birth control pills? Certainly there is no reason for them?"

Gramma says, "well doc, these pills help me sleep"
Confused, the doctor replies, "Mrs. Smith i can assure you, there is nothing in these pills that will help you sleep!"

Granny smiles and reaches over, patting the young doctor's knee, she says "i know dear."

"But none the less, every morning i grind one up and stir into my 16 year old granddaughter's orange juice." "and that helps me sleep at night."

I quoted that one cause it need's saying twice.

[Truckinbutch]

80 year old's doctor retired.
making an appointment with the new doc, the receptionist asked her to bring a list of any medications prescribed to her for her appointment with the new young doctor.
Going through the list the young doctor grew wide-eyed when he read the birth control pills on the list.
"Mrs. Smith, he sez, why are you taking birth control pills? Certainly there is no reason for them?"

Gramma says, "well doc, these pills help me sleep"
Confused, the doctor replies, "Mrs. Smith i can assure you, there is nothing in these pills that will help you sleep!"

Granny smiles and reaches over, patting the young doctor's knee, she says "i know dear."

"But none the less, every morning i grind one up and stir into my 16 year old granddaughter's orange juice." "and that helps me sleep at night."

I quoted that one cause it need's saying twice.

3 times will not hurt . Posted by a grandpa that fathered 3 daughters and a son with 3 balls who is now father to two children . 7 grandchildren and a nasty gleam in that boy's eye .

[Bushman]

Now we know, Getty’s bird was naked and President Lincoln was a giving person.

[HDNB]

Ayoung lady asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family Pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girl friend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no Idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was THE pharmacist."

[Windswept]

This is probably already here, but it's good enough to read again!

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130."

[Kareltje]

Heard today: I married a moonshiners daughter. She made me licker all night!

[Bushman]

Looks like I found a pretty nice Re-Tirement-Home!

[rockcanyon]

A real place in west Texas, just off I-10. Was there for years but now it's gone.

[Bushman]

[kiwi Bruce]

A Thanks Giving Story...real too, funny as hell but no joke. I had read a book written by a civil war vet from Ohio, Bob Strong..." A US privates Civil War"
(I found it a very good read, by the way) My oldest son was 13 at the time and asked if he could read it when I was finished...He was about half way though it and took it with him to his Grand Parents for Thanks Giving Dinner...Big spread, the whole family (15+ with all the inlaws and outlaws) Dinner done the adults settle down to some spirits...my oldest found a quiet corner, away from the noisy siblings and cousins and settled in. About a half hour later he came up behind me and tugged on my sleeve. At that exact moment the table talk fell to zero just as he asked "Dad, what are breast works"
You could have heard a pin drop...His mother yelled at me "What are you letting him read?" The whole table sat there staring at me, open mouthed.
He showed them the book...they're still sitting there dumb founded...
(in case you don't know) I explained "It's like a trench that's dug deep enough to come up to the top of your chest and give you protection from incoming rifle fire"
"Oh!" says the oldest...Satisfied he goes back to reading...the whole family are all still sitting there dumb founded... I lost it.....finally I said "What did you think it meant?
Good times...thought I'd share...

It's early, I know... however have a wonderful Thanks Giving !

[Tater]

-Well I got it in the kitchen
I got it in the hall
Got it on my finger and I slung it on the wall
Saying get your finger out of it dont belong to you wouldnt give any no matter what ya say ya do
Ma and pa went down to the cellar
Don't know what they did but i heard mama bellow
Get your finger out of it .
It don't belong to you wouldnt give ya any no matter what ya say ya do
Now don't get it wrong
Or make a mistake
I'm just talking about a mash that's been made
So get your finger out of it .It dont belong to you wouldnt give ya any no matter what ya say you will do.

[Tater]

Well I got it in the kitchen
I got it in the hall
Got it on my finger and I slung it on the wall
Saying get your finger out of it dont belong to you wouldnt give any no matter what ya say ya do
Ma and pa went down to the cellar
Don't know what they did but i heard mama bellow
Get your finger out of it .
It don't belong to you wouldnt give ya any no matter what ya say ya do
Now don't get it wrong
Or make a mistake
I'm just talking about a mash that's been made
So get your finger out of it .It dont belong to you wouldnt give ya any no matter what ya say you will do.

[DSmith78]

Do you fart in bed ?
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in……......

[goinbroke2]

That reminds me of a while back when I was younger and stuff was funnier, I would fart in bed and the wife would yell and leave or whatever.
Long story short, I told her I could hit a fly on the ceiling with spit. She looked at me like I was an idiot so I hawked up a big one (made the sound) then pretended to spit really hard at the ceiling while laying in bed. She freaked out and pulled the sheets over her head and I held her arms down and let out a ripper.
It was funny as hell until she threw up in the bed.
Made me change the sheets and dry the mattress, true story.

Married 28 years nov 20....

[CoogeeBoy]

That reminds me of a while back when I was younger and stuff was funnier, I would fart in bed and the wife would yell and leave or whatever.
Long story short, I told her I could hit a fly on the ceiling with spit. She looked at me like I was an idiot so I hawked up a big one (made the sound) then pretended to spit really hard at the ceiling while laying in bed. She freaked out and pulled the sheets over her head and I held her arms down and let out a ripper.
It was funny as hell until she threw up in the bed.
Made me change the sheets and dry the mattress, true story.

Married 28 years nov 20....

When do you expect parole?

[Truckinbutch]

That reminds me of a while back when I was younger and stuff was funnier, I would fart in bed and the wife would yell and leave or whatever.
Long story short, I told her I could hit a fly on the ceiling with spit. She looked at me like I was an idiot so I hawked up a big one (made the sound) then pretended to spit really hard at the ceiling while laying in bed. She freaked out and pulled the sheets over her head and I held her arms down and let out a ripper.
It was funny as hell until she threw up in the bed.
Made me change the sheets and dry the mattress, true story.

Married 28 years nov 20....

Nov 20 ........ That was the day in 1972 that I shot myself in the foot and bled for 15 years until I cauterized the wound with a divorce . You rekin that makes us related ?

[DSmith78]

That reminds me of a while back when I was younger and stuff was funnier, I would fart in bed and the wife would yell and leave or whatever.
Long story short, I told her I could hit a fly on the ceiling with spit. She looked at me like I was an idiot so I hawked up a big one (made the sound) then pretended to spit really hard at the ceiling while laying in bed. She freaked out and pulled the sheets over her head and I held her arms down and let out a ripper.
It was funny as hell until she threw up in the bed.
Made me change the sheets and dry the mattress, true story.

Married 28 years nov 20....

That's as close to a perfect story as I've ever heard!