The liar's bench

[Setsumi]

Ya ever notice that the wife always waits until your at the other end of the house before she asks "mrrfhmm wfffrm maymmrm"?

Yeah.
I have hearing aids which are quite helpful, BUT;
I don't wear them when I am away from the house. I have to wear a mask because of the Covid and if I take it off the hearing aids get caught in the elastic and go flying!
And when I am (lately) setting up still equipment (trolleys and such) and using say the angle grinder I have to take the hearing aids out and
put on the ear muffs and that is a pain so I don't wear them then either.

Geoff

i had a female colleague, 25 years younger than her husband. her husband were still flying at 75.... when he got his hearing aids he woked her up at 4am and asked WHAT IS THAT? the birds she replied.

[CoogeeBoy]

Speaking of old times, yesterday was 13 years to the day my buddy mark came running out of the house half crying and yelling "it's a boy, it's a boy"!!


We never did go back to Thailand.

It reminds me of my first wife, she was Thai. She passed away after only a couple of years,

Died of testicular cancer.

[AlWorms]

[corene1]

My son sent me this so I had to share.
DEER HUNTERS.
(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)
I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a big dog. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!
All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer

[VLAGAVULVIN]

Smashing funny to know something new about the deers at my 9pm and just after having some dumbbell workouts... That fragile balance between catching my breath and rofling...

[stillanoob]

I'm glad I read that. I have had a passing thought in that direction. That thought has now left the building. I'll stick with a method that travels around 3000 feet/second.

[corene1]

I had a friend that built a pig trap to catch wild pigs on his friends ranch. We went to check it one afternoon and it had a big pig and a couple of small piglets , probably 20 pounds or so. Gary shot the big pig for meat and went in to catch those little ones to raise for meat as well. Let me tell you those little fellas had an altogether different idea of what was going to happen. They started chasing him and trying to hook him with those tiny little teeth. Just for clarity the trap was 4 feet tall and Gary is 6 feet tall. Well they just about had him cornered and he was jumping and dancing the best he could in that short cage then he started yelling shoot those little bastards. All we could do is laugh and try to dry the tears that were forming in our eyes from so much laughing. Well he finally got out and those pigs were right on his heels. He decided not to try and raise wild pigs after that.

[VLAGAVULVIN]

I'll stick with a method that travels around 3000 feet/second.

Don't be so fast. A crossbow speed is quite enough...

[Truckinbutch]

I had a friend that built a pig trap to catch wild pigs on his friends ranch. We went to check it one afternoon and it had a big pig and a couple of small piglets , probably 20 pounds or so. Gary shot the big pig for meat and went in to catch those little ones to raise for meat as well. Let me tell you those little fellas had an altogether different idea of what was going to happen. They started chasing him and trying to hook him with those tiny little teeth. Just for clarity the trap was 4 feet tall and Gary is 6 feet tall. Well they just about had him cornered and he was jumping and dancing the best he could in that short cage then he started yelling shoot those little bastards. All we could do is laugh and try to dry the tears that were forming in our eyes from so much laughing. Well he finally got out and those pigs were right on his heels. He decided not to try and raise wild pigs after that.

That phrase ,"Never had so much fun since the hogs ate my baby brother", is more truth than fiction .

[Truckinbutch]

I may have told this before . Old Gil Horner was the rural free delivery mail carrier what came up our holler every day . Had an old Studebaker car with friendly fenders ; it was so rusted that them fenders waved at everybody as he passed by .
He didn't like us kids on our bikes . Would ram through a mud hole on that red dog road to splash us or gas on that old 6 cylinder to pelt us with gravel after he passed us .
Every dog has it's day . Sometimes , so do coons .
Me and a couple other little 9-10 year old mouth breathin buddies live trapped a boar coon . We conditioned him with pokes from sharp sticks until just before mail time .
That's when we put him in my big rural mail box and staubed a whittled hickory stick in the handle where a lock would go if anyone back then would have wanted to lock their mail box .
And then we hid in the bushes to watch the show .
Gil came flappin and bangin up that red dog road and stopped at my mail box .
The words that man said when he had to twist and finnagle that hickory staub out of the lock hole on that mail box were not fit for young children's ears .
What he screamed when he dropped that door and a pissed off boar coon ran down his arm and took command of his mail delivery vehicle would have made a sailor blush with shame .
Gil given up that Studebaker to the coon and the coon didn't last long as a mail carrier . Ran that Studebaker slap into a locust tree at the first turn in the road .
Gil recovered his car and went back to deliverin the mail .
Every day after that there was a sack of candy in the mail box for me and my buddies .

[ga flatwoods]

Reminds me of the time we caught a wild tom cat behind the Piggly Wiggly where my friend worked evening shift and usually got off around 2300 hrs. We were goi g to check catfish lines when he got off and camp the night on the river. Problem in he was late getti g off and we were drinking already. We saw that tom cat and had the idea to catch him. Well sir, i can tell you one thing, we did it forty years ago but damned sure couldn't today! By the time we got him in a box he was about as pissed as TB's coon! We opened the trunk on his 67 Camaro and set that tom cat free inside! He bounced off the inside for a good ten minutes. We all had tears and snot running off our faces when we sam our friend coming out of the store. We all greeted him and jumped in the camaro to go get something to eat before we went to the river. We didnt get out of the parking lot before that cat was going crazy. He parked the car, got out and opened the trunk. That tom came out as if launched from an air cannon. Our friend fell backwards trying to get out of the way and we fell into hysterically laughing at him. Poor guy, that tom had pissed all in his trunk enough to mimic a skunk. Our buddy was quite pissed. Dont recall if we went to the river or not but the one cat we caught remains a memory for the ages!

[thecroweater]

11/11 11:00
The price of freedom is eternal vigilance

[Truckinbutch]

11/11 11:00
The price of freedom is eternal vigilance

Wish we had a like button on this site .

[goinbroke2]

Last night The misses and I were a little inebriated, was pouring another and I said, "I love you so much, I couldn't live without you".
Of course her friend went "aaawwww"
Wife asked, "is that you or the likker talking"

I said " it's me talking to the likker"

Those little " Bailys " shot glasses hurt like a bastard when you get one in the side of the head!


Everybody else laughed though, so there's that...

[Truckinbutch]

You could have talked all day without saying something like that . Was the glass damaged ? Was any likker wasted ?
Inquiring minds would like to know .

[goinbroke2]

Glass was fine (empty) but I got a welt the size of a golf ball. Bitch has an arm!

She’s getting quicker with her witty remarks though and it’s pissing me off. Normally she’ll say something and I’ll slam her but lately she’s learning.
We were laying in bed the other night and
I didn’t want to watch any of her crap or go downstairs to watch my own thing by myself so I said “you want to watch drag racing or porn”
And just like that she comes back with “ we better watch porn, you already know how to drag race”!

....BITCH!

It’s better than when she doesn’t have a snappy comeback I guess, not only a shot glass, a while back she got me with a stapler. A frigging T50 stapler! Buddy showed up with his 30 year old girlfriend (smoking hot) and she asked if I thought she was attractive, I said “I’d lick her Asshole” to which she spun around and stapled me in the chest! You know how deep them frigging staples go? Looked like I got bit by a snake, turned red and swelled up. I think they were 3/8” staples, felt like 2”!

[goinbroke2]

Went to a greasy spoon tonight for supper, asked for a pepsi, she said we have coke.

I said fine, I’ll take a half gram of coke and a Pepsi

Wife was not amused.

[Truckinbutch]

DAYM ! Seems like you just can't stand prosperity .

[Truckinbutch]

This Covid is hampering our life .
SOH , being a hospital supervisor , has instituted social distancing in our house ;
We are now relegated to 'hallway sex'.
When we pass in the hallway we exchange 'FUCK YOU'S'.
I'll see my self out ...................

[goinbroke2]

Lol, yeah been there done that too TB. Overall though we get along pretty good, she tells her friends I only have two faults;
1) I never listen to her
2) something else she was rattling on about.

[Truckinbutch]

Lol, yeah been there done that too TB. Overall though we get along pretty good, she tells her friends I only have two faults;
1) I never listen to her
2) something else she was rattling on about.

You just cost me a sip of bourbon that sprayed through my nose onto my keyboard .

[corene1]

Maybe I am a bit direct but if I think someone isn't listening to me I simply grab them by the arm and shake them a bit and ask if they are listening now. Seems to work pretty well. Come to think about it maybe that is why I live alone.

[Setsumi]

Maybe I am a bit direct but if I think someone isn't listening to me I simply grab them by the arm and shake them a bit and ask if they are listening now. Seems to work pretty well. Come to think about it maybe that is why I live alone.

i need to try this. i live with 2 young adults and the wife. if i can get any 2 of them to move out i will have a more peaceful environment.

[Truckinbutch]

Maybe I am a bit direct but if I think someone isn't listening to me I simply grab them by the arm and shake them a bit and ask if they are listening now. Seems to work pretty well. Come to think about it maybe that is why I live alone.

Sometimes that's best . I'm sure that if I lived in close proximity to you ; when you spoke , I would listen . VERY CAREFULLY .

[corene1]

You would listen because you are a gentleman, Then you would walk away saying "One of theses days Alice , POW! Right to the moon!"

[Truckinbutch]

You would listen because you are a gentleman, Then you would walk away saying "One of theses days Alice , POW! Right to the moon!"

LMAO!

[goinbroke2]

Ahhh, crap, wife’s pissed again.
She came in the house and said her car is making a horrible screeching noise, I came back in in a minute and told her I found the horrible screeching and got rid of it.
She asked what it was and I said her Maria Carey CD.

So I’m back in the garage.....

[corene1]

Ahhh, crap, wife’s pissed again.
She came in the house and said her car is making a horrible screeching noise, I came back in in a minute and told her I found the horrible screeching and got rid of it.
She asked what it was and I said her Maria Carey CD.

So I’m back in the garage.....

Well at least it wasn't the cat caught in the fan belt.

[Truckinbutch]

You ought to have a comfy place fixed up in that garage by now with as much time as you spend in it .

[Yonder]

Ahhh, crap, wife’s pissed again.
She came in the house and said her car is making a horrible screeching noise, I came back in in a minute and told her I found the horrible screeching and got rid of it.
She asked what it was and I said her Maria Carey CD.

So I’m back in the garage.....

Well at least it wasn't the cat caught in the fan belt.

That s*t actually happened to me back around the 80’s. My van ended up with a fur lined engine compartment one cold winters morn.