Jokes

[CoogeeBoy]

The Beach Boys walk into a bar...
"Round?"
"Round?"
"Get a round"
"I get a round?"
"Get a round...."

"Fuck off, " said the bababa bababarman.

Are you a new dad by any chance?

[Deplorable]

A lot of folks don't know this, but Bruce Lee had a brother. He wasn't famous and little-known. He was a vegan, and his name was Brock.
Brock Lee.

[Teddysad]

By the time the 3rd Star Wars movie came out we realised that YODA had a surname



it is LayHeHo

[Yonder]

By the time the 3rd Star Wars movie came out we realised that YODA had a surname



it is LayHeHo

Unreal. I thought Yoda was his surname and Toy was his given. Strange.

[Bushman]

Traveling and enjoying my retirement!

[Bryan1]

good luck getting thru that door if ya got a beer belly

[Yummyrum]

good luck getting thru that door if ya got a beer belly

Now theres an incentive to pedal harder

[Bushman]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...!!

[contrahead]

(As the Woke Mob is removing Dr. Seuss books from schools, only geriatric type 'Baby Boomers' might have the wherewithal to understand any of the following).

Subject: Why Computers Sometimes Crash!

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report..

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?

[goinbroke2]

I’ll have to copy that for my song binder. I put it to the chords of G,D,E minor and C and it’s pretty funny when you sing it quickly/almost rap it.

[Bushman]

[contrahead]

I found the purported, innuendo filled, Ad curious enough to study further. The company that's named after “water displacement” (solution - #) “40”; was founded in 1953, first put its product into an aerosol cans in 1958 and went public on the Nasdaq in 1973. By indirect means, I was led to read what Snopes had to say on the subject.

During my searching I found mention on the company's own web page, alluding to a situation where the police had to spray the lubricant onto a naked burglar because he was stuck in an air conditioning vent.
------------------------------------------------

That reminded me of another awkward situation that happened years ago, in a National Forest campground, of southern Colorado. Late on a cold November night, the county sheriff's department was called to respond to gunshots being fired in a public campground. It seems that a woman's husband tracked her and her boyfriend there from town, and was taking some “potshots” in the dark. After arrival and following a lengthy search, one of the deputies heard some moaning coming from an outhouse, and discovered the boyfriend (who was buck naked) that had jumped down into the pit beneath the privy to escape from being shot.

(When the US National Forest Service builds a public outhouse, they build a “Jim Dandy”; they go “whole hog”. They go out into the woods and dig a hole as deep as they can go with a backhoe tractor – at least 10 – 12 feet down. Then the pit is covered with a concrete slab with two holes; and then later, adjoining his and her privy s are framed on top of that).

So the deputies throw a rope down to this naked boyfriend who is deep in feces and urine, the top layer of which was probably frosted or frozen (because November @ 9500 ft. elevation). But the boyfriend who has been hiding in this pit for over an hour now, has severe hypothermia and can't even tie himself to the rope. There are very few options left, at this very remote location. The officers can either let him die and then drop a loop over his head and pull him up that way, or someone had to go down and tie him to the rope in a better manner. None of the deputies volunteered for the task. The responsibility fell to the head of the department; so the sheriff (whom I knew indirectly – before he was elected) rappelled down into the unspeakable, and got the job done.

[Bushman]

After the 40 beer I lost track.

[Bryan1]

Well considering I'm 56 this meme worked out spot on, now I'd have to bottle my next homebrew beer to get upto 80 beers again and that will happen this weekend

[NormandieStill]

Well it took me a depressingly long time to figure out how that worked. Apparently I need more sleep.

[Bushman]

[HDNB]

Mick pulls up to the pub in a brand new Mercedes. His good friend Liam sees him and comes out to greet him

"you've won the lottery then, have you? Questions Liam "oh no, nothing like that" replies Mick

"Well some stroke of luck is it? How did you come to be driving such a fine Merc?" Liam stroked the fender with admiration

Mick says "well to be sure, it's quite a story!" ....Liam waited "well go on lad..."

"Well", Mick muses, "I was on my way down here to meet you for pint, mate. Up the street aways, Heather O'Donnell pulled up and invited me for a ride in the country." "it's such a fine day, how could i say no?"

"We made our way a few miles out in the county and she pulled down a dead end lane, by Kerry's pond. At the end of the road, she stopped the car, hopped out and took off all of her clothes and then just walked off to the woods!"
"As she went 'round a thicket", explained Mick "she yelled to me ... "Mick! You can have anything you want today!"

"So I took the car."

"Ahhh Mick, you're such a wise lad", said Liam... "there's no fookin' way any of Heather's clothes would fit ya."

[VLAGAVULVIN]

[Rum Agol]

In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.

Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common. they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.

Why do pipers walk while they play? To get away from the noise.

[Kareltje]

In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.

I like that one. In the Netherlands most people wait and hope the dikes of Holland will be flooded.
We will make trips in boats with glass bottoms: "Look down there, that was Rotterdam. And there, see! A Boeing 747 on Schiphol that did not quite make it to lift off."

[Coyote]

An Irish bartender hear a light tapping at the back door of his pub.
When he opens the door he is shocked to discover 2 Irish nuns huddled in the alleyway.
"Oh Be Gosh & Be Golly Sisters why in God's own name are you here in the alley You are always welcome in me pub by the front door"
"Aww" says the first nun " We thank ye kindly but if the tally wags about town should see us enter the front door of even a find pub like this
they would run us out of the Church and out of town"!
The second nun then says " The reason we are here is for the poor Father, Ya see he has a bit of the constipation & it seems that a wee dram of
good Irish Whisky is the only thing that helps" "So we wondered if we might purchase a wee dram?" " For Himself don't ya know"
The Bartender leaves and returns with the finest bottle of Irish Whisky in all the land. "Give this to the Priest with me compliments"

Several hours later the bartender locks up and starts for home. He sees the 2 nuns staggering down the street, fighting to keep their feet under them. He stopped the sister's asking them "Sister's I thought you said the wee dram was for the Father and his constipation?" "It is !!!" says the first nun. The second nun slurring her words " Yep and when he sees us like this - He's going to shit"!

[CoogeeBoy]

In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.

I like that one. In the Netherlands most people wait and hope the dikes of Holland will be flooded.
We will make trips in boats with glass bottoms: "Look down there, that was Rotterdam. And there, see! A Boeing 747 on Schiphol that did not quite make it to lift off."

"There are 2 types of people in the world that I hate, racists, and the dutch!"

(Nigel Powers, Austin's farzzer in Goldmember, 2002)

[CoogeeBoy]

We had a breakout at the local jail last weekend, an Irishman, and Englishman and an American.
The first thing they did was stop at the first pub they found on the way. Well, not long after, the police arrived and the 3 of them ran out into the courtyard out the back to look for somewhere to hide.
Luckily, there was a heap of old hessian sacks so they all took one and hide in a sack in different places.
When the police came through, they started searching and the found the first sack with the Englishman inside. The copper kicked the sack and the Englishman barked like a dog.

"Woof" went the Englishman.

"Ah, only a dog" said the policeman and they moved on.
They found the second sack with the American in and they gave that a kick.

"Meow" went the American and the cops said: "Ah, only a kitten" and moved on.

Then they came across the 3rd sack with the Irishman and they gave that a kick:

"Potatoes"

[Kareltje]

We had a breakout at the local jail last weekend, an Irishman, and Englishman and an American.
The first thing they did was stop at the first pub they found on the way. Well, not long after, the police arrived and the 3 of them ran out into the courtyard out the back to look for somewhere to hide.
Luckily, there was a heap of old hessian sacks so they all took one and hide in a sack in different places.
When the police came through, they started searching and the found the first sack with the Englishman inside. The copper kicked the sack and the Englishman barked like a dog.

"Woof" went the Englishman.

"Ah, only a dog" said the policeman and they moved on.
They found the second sack with the American in and they gave that a kick.

"Meow" went the American and the cops said: "Ah, only a kitten" and moved on.

Then they came across the 3rd sack with the Irishman and they gave that a kick:

"Potatoes"

I guess it is a matter of native speech, but I do not understand this joke.

As for the previous remark:
In matters of commerce the fault of the Dutch,
is giving too little and asking too much.

But that goes mainly for the Dutch from Holland.

Said a sociolinguist named Roles:
"As people from Poland are Poles,
for better precision -
I am a logician -
people from Holland are Holes."

[goinbroke2]

Heard the same joke but it was a blonde, brunette and redhead.
Of course the blind is the one to say “potato”.

Oh, and kareltje, the joke is, the three are hiding and the first two make noises to make the cop think it’s not a person. A meow of a cat or bark of a dog would be believable, but the blond (or Irishman) is not smart enough to come up with an animal so they make the sound a potato makes .( which is nothing so he says potato in the hopes that the cop will think it’s a bag of potatoes)

[Kareltje]

Ah, thanks. As simple as that!

I sometimes use the same kind of joke, by pretending I am not here, but I am a leaf of grass. Or I pretend to be not guilty but as innocent as a little lamb, beh, beh.

[cranky]

The question I have is, did the police believe he was a sack of potatoes

[CoogeeBoy]

The question I have is, did the police believe he was a sack of potatoes

I suppose that depends on if they were Irish!

[Yummyrum]

Wheres Swedish pride when we need him .

[VLAGAVULVIN]