Jokes
Moderator: Site Moderator
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cob
- Master of Distillation
- Posts: 2691
- Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2009 4:38 pm
- Location: little puffs of dust where my feet used to be
Re: Jokes
I am one of those old guy's that still reads a daily newspaper.
The other day there was a full page of obituaries.
At the top left corner was an ad by the paper that
was 3 column's wide and 18 lines high, that said in
1.5" tall black letters "Make Plans", to promote some
feature of their paper. I won't post a picture, because
I have respect for the dead.
For you phone people that box was 4" wide x 2" tall.
The other day there was a full page of obituaries.
At the top left corner was an ad by the paper that
was 3 column's wide and 18 lines high, that said in
1.5" tall black letters "Make Plans", to promote some
feature of their paper. I won't post a picture, because
I have respect for the dead.
For you phone people that box was 4" wide x 2" tall.
be water my friend
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VLAGAVULVIN
- Distiller
- Posts: 1571
- Joined: Tue Feb 06, 2018 4:52 am
- Location: Western Urals
Re: Jokes
Glad they figured this one out!
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VLAGAVULVIN
- Distiller
- Posts: 1571
- Joined: Tue Feb 06, 2018 4:52 am
- Location: Western Urals
Re: Jokes
who would have thought, bananas dont have bones.
Next they'll be telling us steamrollers don't roll steam!
Taking a break while I get a new still completed....
Re: Jokes
I had to call the doc today, our maid came down with the vid.
Doc told me it's no big deal, all we had to do was quarantine her for a couple weeks, just make sure she has good food and plenty of water. "just keep and eye on her"
I told him "doc you don't understand, i'm screwed...i'm gonna die! i was kissing her! i got it too, What should i do?
Doc told me me "just do the same thing, quaratine yourself, take of yourself and stay hydrated, you'll be fine....you're not gonna die.
I said "Doc, i'm dead! - you don't understand , i was kissing my wife too!" she's got it too!
There was a long pause on the line....
"Aww for shit sake" doc sez "Now i got it too!"
Doc told me it's no big deal, all we had to do was quarantine her for a couple weeks, just make sure she has good food and plenty of water. "just keep and eye on her"
I told him "doc you don't understand, i'm screwed...i'm gonna die! i was kissing her! i got it too, What should i do?
Doc told me me "just do the same thing, quaratine yourself, take of yourself and stay hydrated, you'll be fine....you're not gonna die.
I said "Doc, i'm dead! - you don't understand , i was kissing my wife too!" she's got it too!
There was a long pause on the line....
"Aww for shit sake" doc sez "Now i got it too!"
I finally quit drinking for good.
now i drink for evil.
now i drink for evil.
it's a conspiracy 
Re: Jokes
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Re: Jokes
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.
‘ Oh, really? Darn!‘ says the little old lady.
‘I’d better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me…’
Well, now, not so fast,‘ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money?‘ ‘You didn’t steal it, did you?’
Oh, no’, says the little old lady. ‘You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. 80, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
‘Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, ‘$20 or off it comes.’
‘Well, that seems only fair.‘ laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?’
‘Well, you know’, says the little old lady, ‘not everybody pays!
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.
‘ Oh, really? Darn!‘ says the little old lady.
‘I’d better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me…’
Well, now, not so fast,‘ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money?‘ ‘You didn’t steal it, did you?’
Oh, no’, says the little old lady. ‘You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. 80, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
‘Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, ‘$20 or off it comes.’
‘Well, that seems only fair.‘ laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?’
‘Well, you know’, says the little old lady, ‘not everybody pays!
I finally quit drinking for good.
now i drink for evil.
now i drink for evil.
Re: Jokes
Two guys are walking across a bridge over the river and both have to stop and take a leak over the side. First guys says "that water sure is cold". Second guy says "yeah, pretty deep too".
Plain ole pot rig.
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The Baker
- Master of Distillation
- Posts: 4674
- Joined: Sun Aug 27, 2006 4:48 am
- Location: Northern Victoria, Australia
Re: Jokes
Mostly they lick their own nose. Quite impressive really.
Except for the bull, he also...
But there may be some folks reading this who are easily offended...
Geoff
The Baker
Re: Jokes
Not sure how much of it Aussies had but I grew up with The Jeffersons and All in the family on TV and comedians like Richard Pryor, Sam Kinnison and later Andrew Dice Clay. And found the humor in all of it. I think the woke crew would melt after an hour of them.
Also grew up on a farm so hard to be offend by basic biological functions or animal behavior