The liar's bench

[Kareltje]

One of my ex-girlfriends had been married and told me how her ex-husband used to come home after a night in the pub.

He used to open silently the front door and throw in one of his shoes. When she came down screaming, he fled to a friend. When she kept quiet he dared to enter his house.

I did not marry her!

[SassyFrass]

Figured I'd stop by and check on that persimmon likker, jug is bone dry. Could swore i seen a monkey ducking behind a tree, but my eyes aint as good as they used to be.
SF

[Truckinbutch]

Figured I'd stop by and check on that persimmon likker, jug is bone dry. Could swore i seen a monkey ducking behind a tree, but my eyes aint as good as they used to be.
SF

That furry bastard will steal anything left around here . I left some green persimmon wine once and he had to steal drinks with a straw because his lips wouldn't unpucker .

[CoogeeBoy]

My wife told me she missed me.
Normally that would be good but she's reloading.

[Truckinbutch]

My wife told me she missed me.
Normally that would be good but she's reloading.

DUCK !!!

[SassyFrass]

My wife told me she missed me.
Normally that would be good but she's reloading.

Reminds me of something from when I was a kid. We was visiting relatives in the city and a couple of us kids was sitting on the porch. When we heard a bunch of screaming and shouting coming from a couple houses down the road. Then this big old feller come busting out the front door being chased by this little bitty old woman with a great big butcher knife. The squaling and crying from him and the cussing and carrying on from her was a sight to behold. She chased him past our observation post and out of sight down the road, but you could still hear them. Then they started getting louder and they come back the other way. She chased him all the way back into that house. Then things got real quiet for a second or two until the sirens started. That old lady come out, sat on the porch and just waited. We sat on our porch and watched her sitting on her porch.. Cops and ambulance finally showed up. Arrested her hauled him off and things got quiet again.
Found out later that he'd let the beans burn. I reckon he learned not to let the beans burn. Cousins said they was both home next time they visited us on the farm.
Anyway, that was a long time ago, in a land far far away. But Coogeboy's wife being a bad shot brought that back to my mind this morning. Yall have a great day.
SF

[HDNB]

car broke down today, had to take the bus. it was packed.

two women got on the same time as me and there was only one seat left. they were fighting bitterly over the remaining seat.

bus driver got involved and shit was getting out of hand.

finally, late for my appointment i said to the driver "just let the ugly one have the seat and let's get on the road!"

both of them walked away indignantly....and i got the seat!

[subbrew]

Nice to sit down. Went skiing the last two day and sitting here having a sip does the old legs good. Knew I would get old if a jealous husband didn't kill me first but I didn't think it would happen so soon.

Trying to build up some stock this year so I can let things age but life keeps intruding on still time. Sure wish retirement was not so far off. But a teenage daughter means dad needs an income.
Did have a bit of luck though. Tractor was just starting and then in 20 seconds would quit. Figured I would have a good bill getting that problem solved. Fortunately I figured out the vent in the fuel cap was plugged, was drawing a vacuum on the tank and stopping fuel flow. Turns out heads works to clean a fuel tank vent as well.

[stillanoob]

Spent my day digging up a septic D box at my wife's place. Been fooling with the damn septic system for a couple of weeks now and the D box came apart when I dug it up. Patched it temporary like with some cement until I can get a new one. At my place off the grid I have an outhouse. Never backed up on me yet! I gotta say that I prefer having an outhouse. If ya put some lime down every time you make a deposit it don't stink. Sure can't say the same for the septic.

Anyway, I sure earned the drink I just took from the jug behind the bench. I am getting too old to dig so much. And the damn roots in there! Guess I'll wander on home, wash my hands and have another drink or two. Baked chicken for dinner, that is gonna be good.

[CoogeeBoy]

Baked chicken for dinner, that is gonna be good.

Not for the chicken.....

[stillanoob]

Baked chicken for dinner, that is gonna be good.

Not for the chicken.....

Nope. Bad day for him. But he sure was tasty...

[Yonder]

“Nope. Bad day for him. But he sure was tasty...“

Then he didn’t die in vain.

[CoogeeBoy]

Feeling a bit peaky today, I overdosed on Viagra yesterday.

It was the hardest day of my life!

[contrahead]

It appears that back in 1974, that a herd of 150 elephants in West Bengal, India, became intoxicated after breaking into a brewery, then went on a rampage which destroyed buildings and killed five people.

That would be “news worthy story” if it happened today. But 48 years ago, today's omnipresent, instantaneous worldwide broadcasting capability wasn't available. Details are thin. There's numerous mentioning s of the event in different archives on the Internet but none seem to be very elaborate. One reference to the story is locked behind a paywall at the New York Times.

Anyhow; it seems as if elephants like to get intoxicated, but they can't hold their liquor very well. In fact lots of animals get intoxicated.

[Truckinbutch]

I'm gettin on in years and SOH and I were discussing the prospect of my demise .
I told her that I would be happy to go out having sex .
She said that at least that way I would have a quick death .
Since I haven't been stilling for a while due to family drama ; I left a half gallon of Evan Williams over in the bushes by the Mayor's sister/wife's house .Use your own judgement if she catches you having a nip and wants more .

[thecroweater]

Can get like that, kids came into my care under unfortunate circumstances, sure glad they are but I have not done a lick of stilling for two years as a result. Child services were the ones that sent em here and there was no damn way I was gonna risk em going into the system. Two years on and all is quiet on the western Front so tonight I threw 2 kgs of raw sugar in a two year old molasses wine, it's gonna be real good or real bad but either way it's gonna be real

[Truckinbutch]

Can get like that, kids came into my care under unfortunate circumstances, sure glad they are but I have not done a lick of stilling for two years as a result. Child services were the ones that sent em here and there was no damn way I was gonna risk em going into the system. Two years on and all is quiet on the western Front so tonight I threw 2 kgs of raw sugar in a two year old molasses wine, it's gonna be real good or real bad but either way it's gonna be real

Good onya all round , Mate .

[The Baker]

And goodonya from me, too, croweater.

Geoff

[subbrew]

13F below this morning when I did chores. One rooster went to crow and the sound froze in his throat before it left the beak. I actually like cold weather but happy to leave that level of cold to you Canadians.

[Truckinbutch]

Amazing how this thread has grown legs . For newcomers here , it is well worth your time to start on page 1 and read through the varied stories . Thanks to everyone who has contributed . TB

[SassyFrass]

Butch, this thread sure did grow into something interesting. Reckon I'll set a jug under the bench for the folks getting a little dry. Its another one of the jugs from the cache the boys found that I lost years ago. I think its charred COB and molasses but I ain't 100% sure. But its definitely likker. Yall enjoy.
SF

[Truckinbutch]

Butch, this thread sure did grow into something interesting. Reckon I'll set a jug under the bench for the folks getting a little dry. Its another one of the jugs from the cache the boys found that I lost years ago. I think its charred COB and molasses but I ain't 100% sure. But its definitely likker. Yall enjoy.
SF

Thank ya . It's a decent drop .
I got to thinkin about my Grandpa and some of his stories . When he was walkin across the ridges to court my Grandma there was one pasture he had to cross through . Old boy that owned it put a mean billy goat in the pasture and would sit on his porch and cackle when it attacked Grandpa .
Grandpa got tired of that . Grandpa got tired of that pretty fast .
He sneaked into that pasture one night and sunk a double bitted axe into a stump and hung a long coat on the upright handle .
Come morning the goat saw that coat and charged full speed to butt it . That cleared Grandpa's path to romance .

[SassyFrass]

I reckon that Billy got a splitting headache. I reckon, the fellers in my family aint shy either about courting, nor the ladies...to tell the truth. The fellers would have had more of a tendency to go "borrow" the goat and invite the neighbor over for a BBQ. The women would have probably just shot it and dared the neighbor to say a word about it. Granny Purl O'Brien (my great grandmother) put 3 men in the ground, because they deserved it, she said. I reckon she was a little bit of a wild mountain girl. I wish I had taped all the family stories she told me before she passed. Hell, I just wish I could remember them. But my grandmother had a fit because Granny Purl was telling me all the stuff that wasn't fit for polite church going folks. Nuff of my rambling.
SF

[CoogeeBoy]

Gents,

BE CAREFUL

Just warning you about an internet scam atm.
I sent my wife some flowers and jewellery for valentines day but she got golf clubs instead.

[subbrew]

Must be more widespread as mine got a new pistol instead of the flowers.

[jedneck]

Mine got a barrel n stock for a mauser action. Gotta luv a mauser action. Building a mannlicher stocked 1917 erfurt action with a 20” mcgowen barrel in 8x57. Its just a combination that goes together like nothing else.

Been bit slack about visiting the bench but hope to change that soon.

[contrahead]

This ain't no lie.
Probably.

Today I was looking for articles or references to fish in European streams – being subjected to alarming levels of
oxycodone or some similar opioids. (Something I saw in the news quite a while back). Just ran into this unrelated fish story by accident, and thought someone here might want to see what the nasty little catfish looked like.

https://www.straightdope.com/21343673/c ... ur-urethra

<picture>
https://www.fws.gov/Fisheries/ANS/erss/ ... ne2018.pdf

[subbrew]

Contra, you have the most interesting research habits and topics. I say this in the best way possible, but having read many of your posts with great pleasure, learning and interest, you are a curious soul.

[contrahead]

I guess I can take that as a compliment.
But if I ever catch myself sitting down in front of a TV set for more than 15 minutes in a row, I won't need to be told.
I'll know straight away.
That will be evidence that my mind is slipping.

[DSM Loki]

Howdy all, I haven't been through in a while. Thought I'd stop by and say hello, hope all is well.