Home Distiller

3 old men co-miserating with each other...one says, man...I just wish I could take a good healthy dump in the morning. Every morning I get up...I sit on the toilet....nothing.

The second old man says, I dont' have that problem, I just wish I could pee. I used to piss like a race horse. Now? drip-drip-drip every morning.

The third old man says, I don't have those problems. Every morning like clock work at 8am I take a good healthy dump, and at 9am I piss a stream just fine.

What's your problem then? the other two ask? .... "I don't wake up till 10".

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to
town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn
you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it
could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband
repair it as soon as I return home."

" Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your
horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this
cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home.

" True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband
about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on
immediately.
" Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something
wrong with the emergency brake."

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed him to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open-heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?",
Asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law

Bushman and I were sitting ain the bar the other night and I pointed to a couple drunks across from us and said "take a look Bushman, that'll be us in 10 years!"... he politely informed me that I was pointing at a mirror.

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

JD, that's great! Couldn't stop laughin!

Big R

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know." The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?" The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?". The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

Since the Christmas holidays are fast approaching, and you may be attending festivities where alcohol might be served, I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice Rums. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident, which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the
afternoon. Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: "Where
the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling you remember that jewelery store where you saw the
diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money
that time and said “Baby it'll be yours one day."

Wife, with a smile blushing: "Yes I remember that, my Love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the bar next to that store!."

One rainy spring night in Queens, NY, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley near the area of George and Water St .

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet,

naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

" Vale Road ," answered the woman.

"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "just what the hell are you looking at?'"

"Well lady," replied the driver,

"I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,

"Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked,

"Got anything smaller?"

One day a woman was shopping at the local supermarket when she spotted a young assistant.
She notices that he has a cute arse and the sight of this makes her all horny!
As she goes through the check-out, she shouts him over and says, "would you be a dear and carry my heavy shopping to my car?"
On the way through the car park she cant contain her lust anymore and says. "Ive got an itchy pussy"

The young lad replies ....

"You`ll have to point it out ma'am ...... all these Japanese cars look the bloody same to me"!

A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in Ayrshire, Scotland, when suddenly a brand-new Bentley advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, m miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car. Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer.

"You see, you showed up here even though nobody called you, you wanted to get paid for an answer to a question I already knew, further, to a question I never even asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment to try and show me how much smarter you are than me, although you don't even know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows, for that matter as this is a herd of sheep.


Now give me back my friggin dog.

Priceless, sam.

I ran across this fact and thought our members might be able to take advantage of the new knowledge.

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by people who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice and energy drinks. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol for they cause three times as many accidents. This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.

Be safe and have a great holiday!!!

 > Subject: Tools Explained
>
>>  
>> Tools Explained
>>
>> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
>> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
>> and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
>> project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could
>> get to it.
>>
>> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
>> under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes
>> fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time
>> it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
>>
>> SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>>
>> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
>> of blood-blisters.
>>
>> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
>> touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>>
>> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
>> principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
>> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
>> dismal your future becomes.
>>
>> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
>> heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
>> intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>>
>> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
>> flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
>> grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
>> race.
>>
>> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
>> projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>>
>> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
>> after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
>> handle firmly under the bumper.
>>
>> BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
>> cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
>> the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
>> outside edge.
>>
>> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
>> of everything you forgot to disconnect.
>>
>> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
>> lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
>> on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
>> Phillips screw heads.
>>
>> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
>> convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering
>> your palms.
>>
>> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
>> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>>
>> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>>
>> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
>> used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
>> adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
>>
>> UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
>> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
>> well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
>> bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
>> parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
>> use.
>>
>>
>>
>> Hope you found this informative.
>>
>>

here´s a redneck:
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"

This got me a chuckle -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZm0FekSWjQ" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

Two guys sitting in a bar getting just shitty...

Hour goes by and one of them pukes all over his shirt and say "man my wife is going to be pissed"

The other guy tells him to just take a 20 dollar bill and put it in his shirt pocket, when she asks just tell her someone threw up on your shirt and gave you the 20 dollars for the cleaning bill.

Two hours go by, the guy stumbles home.....his wife asks WTF...so he remembers his story and tells her. So she reaches into his pocket and pulls out 40 dollars and asks what the other 20 is all about....The guy replied "oh that's right, that guy also shit in my pants and gave me an extra 20 for the cleaning bill"

NEW E-BAY SCAM BE CAREFUL

The other day I ordered a $50.00 Penis enlarger -- the basterds sent me a magnifying glass
It came with instructions it said not to use it in the sunlight

Not sure if this one belongs in the joke section but thought a few members might like the poster.

Looked for a whole minute and still didn't see the forest ...

my eyes must be bad also. I cant see any forest over the mountains

WHO CARES ABOUT THE FOREST

An 80-year-old Texas rancher goes to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'






'I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.


I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the


evening, I have a beer and all is well.'

'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Texan. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to


the topless bar for a while and had some beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Texas rancher and he's a hunter


and fisherman, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father?


How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's' still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning, too?'

'No, grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his guns and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir . . ... but . . , I've always wanted to!"

There are a few lessons for all of us here: -

* Don't be arrogant.
* Don't waste ammunition.
* Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control...
* And finally, don't screw around with old folks; they didn't
get old by being stupid...

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful,
uninterrupted nights sleep.
NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not...


California vintners in the
Napa Valley area,
which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be
marketed as



PINO MORE

Damn Bushman, LOL, that'd be good news cept I just don't drink wine. Now if they find a whisky recipe like that I'll be signin up.

Big R