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Married Irishman
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

Sitting with my wife on the deck both enjoying a glass of wine.
She says, " I love you so much I could not live without you"
I said, " Is that you or the wine talking?"
She said. " Its me talking to the wine"

Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their
8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony
with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood
activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

- "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

- "An ambulance just drove by!"

- "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

- "Matt's riding a new bike!"

- "Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

- "Jason is on his skate board!"

- After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.."

Bdog, i do see some English in there, wtf is that 2nd language???

lol H.

Grandma and

grandpa were watching a religious healing program on

TV.

The evangelist

called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand

on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted

healed.
Grandpa hobbled to the TV and

put one hand on the TV and the other on his

crotch.

Grandma looked at him with

disgust.... "You just don't understand do you, you old

coot.. The purpose of this program is to heal the sick,

not raise the

dead!!"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath,he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis'

Husker wrote:Bdog, i do see some English in there, wtf is that 2nd language???

lol H.

That's good old oztrailyan, husker.

Did ya hear the one about Obama? Oh wait I can't tell that.

She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.

Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas early vinter
and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral
store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he
told her, Nah, yust put it on our tab.

So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da store, den walked
back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes,
she asked him, Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da
store. Why didnt you yust give me some money?

Ole replied, Vell, I didnt vant to send you out dere vit some money
ven I vasnt sure how tick the ice vas yet.

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared....

KNOWLEDGE……..is knowing that a tomato is a fruit

BUT WISDOM ……is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evils of Liquor

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Here is yer Story:

I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so
much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never
figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart.
I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a
state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do"

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she says
the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man. " She responded to my puzzled
look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for
you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings.

Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave
short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she
asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I
blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
"WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this
stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a
man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over
a frozen hell.

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent
condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys."
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight...promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as
I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty
solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got
away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times,
then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
farted.

A woman, worried about crime, started to carry a hand-gun. Five months
after she'd begun carrying her gun she came out to her car in a dark
parking lot and found it occupied by four men. She ordered them out. They
refused to move; she pulled her gun. Instantly four doors popped open and
her car's occupants fled into the night. Then, as she started to load her
groceries into the car, she noticed her car (same make and model) parked
three spots away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... T-yI_IqYxs" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

WHY REDNECKS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS

Billy-Bob and Buddy are out in the woods hunting when suddenly
Buddy grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing ; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Billy-Bob whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "Sufferin' snake-shit man, ah thank Buddy's dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,

"Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence...... and then a gun shot is heard.

Billy-Bob comes back on the line : "Okay, now what?"

Redneck Paremedics Now thats funny

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied,
Note, I wanted to introduce the new spoiler bbcode This joke is not the best place to use it, but it does work 'well' for some joke types. Also that bbcode can work for many other items.

That's a funny one, Husker, and it brings back the memory of a funny incident that happened years ago...


Back in the 90's I drove a blue Chevy Beretta... Come to find out, a friend of a friend, Joe, as well as a bartender friend, Jack, also drove blue Berettas... One night my friend and I met Joe at a bar for a few drinks... Joe never handled his liquor well so when we left that bar he rode with us, leaving his car behind...

We eventually ended up at the bar where Jack was working... Joe eventually disappeared, my friend caught a cab, and I made my way home... The next day I am talking with my friend when he gets a call from Joe, wondering where his car is, how he got home, and why his hand is sore and bloody... We pick him up and reunite him with his car...

Later that night Jack tells my friend and I a story about the night before... Seems that Joe wound up back outside the bar where Jack was working, his key managed to unlock Jacks car door, and Joe spent an unknown period of time trying to get his key to start Jacks car... Joe had tried so hard that his hand was all bloody, as well as the interior of Jacks car... Jack found Joe sleeping, bloody keys in hand, in his drivers seat after closing the bar... After much arguing he got Joe into the passenger seat and drove him home... The next day we filled Joe in on the details of his lost evening...

Junk,

Love your "re-hydrating cat". Especially, since in Dutch a male cat ("kater") is the same as a hang over. Twice funny. For which I thank you. Twice.

oDIN.

Guy tells his wife, "I'm 85, love to golf and my eyes have gotten so bad that I can't see where the ball went."
She says, "Get you cousin to spot"
"He's 92!"
"Yeah, but te's got perfect eyesight."
Gets his cousin, goes to the course, tees off and asks his cousin, "Did you see where the ball went."
"Yeah, of course, I've got perfect eyesight."
"Where'd is it?"
"I forget."

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce,
it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
little children
of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little bastard is adorable.

Not a joke but a funny story:

One time granny was mullet fishing way down the hill from pa. but she was fishing with a 16 foot cane pole. Pa had just made a sandwich as was sitting behind the truck getting ready to eat. He didn't fish but enjoyed going and watchin every one else. Anyway all you can hear is granny yelling "LOOK OUT TOM!!!" lmao, here comes a big mullet straight at pa and landed in his plate. OMG is miss those days.

Guy walks into a third storey bar sits down and orders a drink.

After a minute the guy two seats over looks at em n says, "You know, this is a very special bar!"

"Oh realy?" querries the newcomer. "How so?"

"Well its got a magic window!"

"What? A magic window? Piss off, you're drunk." says the newcomer.

"NO! SERIOUSLY! It has a magic window! You can jump out that there window," he says pointing excitedly, "And right before you hit the ground, BOING! you bounce right back up and land right where you jumped from!"

"Dude seriously, you're drunk."

"Hell no Im not!" says the guy, "I'll show ya!"

He gets up and walks over to the window, and sure as sht jumps, and I be damned if he doesnt stop right before he hits the ground and shoots back up, and lands inside right where he jumped from!

"HOLY CRAP! THATS AMAZING! I GOTTA TRY THAT!!" The newcomer hussles over to the window and after a momentary pause n takin a deep breath jumps out..

SPLAAT!

The other guy goes over, sits back in his seat, and orders another drink.

The bartender looks at him, and just shakes his head. ~L~