Jokes

[Bushman]

I'll bet most of us have heard most of these.


1.. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16.. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23.. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25.. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[Bushman]

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, I.C.U.

      A good clean joke is hard to find these days - pass it on!

[Bushman]

[Bushman]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she.

[thecroweater]

Baaah ha like to see what happened when e got home reminds me of a yarn I heard fist hand . Bloke about my dads age would drink in the club and get homewife would say teas cold now why can't ya be home for tea he had enough and says look damn it if i'm not home when ya finish eating why in the hell can't ya just put my plate in the oven . Next time he goes drinkin come home after dinner , where tea in the oven like ya wanted oh goodo he calls out opens the oven hmmm lettice salad and siverside she comes in all smug as he tucks in . bloke scoffs it down and says now why in the hell can't ya cook like that all the time (didn't go down so great I heard)

[Washashore]

Wouldnt it be funny if Jessica Biel named her first child Batmo?

[King Of Hearts]

Wouldnt it be funny if Jessica Biel named her first child Batmo?

Or Moe.

[King Of Hearts]

Redneck baby chair.

[thecroweater]

fella at the local quake for a check up , Dr says to him well everything seems ok any other concerns ya have . Fella says yeah bit worried my eye sight has deteriorated spect I'd hafa see the optician bout that , Doc nar can check it while ya here follow me . takes the fella out the back on the back veranda and says look up bloke looks up can ya see the sun , fella looks at the Dr cause I can see the bloody sun! , doc says dryly an jest how far was ya hopen to see

[King Of Hearts]

The wife left a note on the fridge:

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell
she was talking about............the fridge works fine.

WOMEN, who can understand them?

[mash rookie]

The wife left a note on the fridge:

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell
she was talking about............the fridge works fine.

WOMEN, who can understand them?

PERFECT....LOL....

[mash rookie]

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do. The blonde did so and completely muffed the shot. The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard - grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.". The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again only this time take the club out of your mouth."
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it." replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one to ever ask that after a tonsillectomy."
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What does a blonde consider "safe sex"? A padded headboard.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[emptyglass]

The wife left a note on the fridge:

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell
she was talking about............the fridge works fine.

WOMEN, who can understand them?

not me!
beer cold, whats the prob?
EDIT dont needthe light.

[Bushman]

This is not a joke but was posted on Facebook by one of my friends, thought you might like it!

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

[Huberte]

These jokes are really cool, Thanks for sharing with all of us. Please keep sharing

[mash rookie]

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windshield.

To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids,
"My what a big insect!"

To which her 7 year old says, " I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that big."

[Bushman]

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan, So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for The International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.\\
The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from theSouth for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Mississippi State University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"


Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.

[Lancelon]

Hi. After reading these jokes I'm really laughing hard. Great job dude. keep it up.

[mash rookie]

BUS STOP BLONDE.

In the city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

[EINY]

I wrote a joke this morning:

What's a Buddhist like for breakfast?

Ommmm-lette

[EINY]

Not my own, but fun:

"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

"I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze."

"I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

"I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y."

"Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?"

[Bushman]

[mash rookie]

Mine is a "Work Alcholic" He rarely takes a break...

he cant spell either

[Bushman]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this.)



'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'



IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!!

[Bushman]

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him,
"Grampa, what is couple sex?"
 
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. 
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and
responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open,
eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

[Bushman]

[mash rookie]

OH MY GOD! YOU HAVE BEEN GETTING TO KNOW TO MY GIRLFREIND! She has one to add. 11, DONT PISS OFF A NURSE! you might not wake up.
it's the sweet little Georgia accent that keeps me comming back for more. Bikini shot to follow!

Peachy says HEY Bushman! Remember me with the martini glass?

[junkyard dawg]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in
and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms
or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he
can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of
him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With
all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of
alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head
in dismay.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son
to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he
reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....
then to the right.... right through the front door, into the
street, where an RV runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says,

"That boy should have quit while he was a head."

[King Of Hearts]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen
anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

Show Spoiler

'Go get your Mother'

[Bushman]

This photo is from Larry the Cable Guy