Jokes

[Odin]

Coyote,

As a 45 year old ... and as a free mason by heart ... I feel this joke nails it to many of us who surpassed the age of 40.

Thanks for sharing.

Odin.

[Coyote]

Odin,
I got you by a couple of yards in the
age race but not many - maybe if you hurry
you can catch up!

I laughed pretty good on that one

Coyote

[Truckinbutch]

Coyote , this farmin lifestyle we lead can make a feller pretty brutally honest , can't it

[Truckinbutch]

Few years back the game commission of either Wyoming or Montana was having public hearings for comments on wolf and coyote control to protect livestock .
There was a tree hugger attending a meeting who was adamantly advocating chemical birth control being introduced into the predator populations rather than killing them .
When she finished her plea for humanity one of the old 'snot in his whiskers' ranchers stood up and addressed her plea :
"Mam , we ain't worried about them critters fuckin our sheep , they are eating them "............................
The meeting was quickly adjourned ...................

[The KYChemist]

Thought you guys might like this...

[Truckinbutch]

KYChemist ,

[Tater]

financial planning ---- Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune..

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[Jimbo]

Senior Drivers dont need a Drivers License Anymore

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.

"I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."

"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"

"That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces,
and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore'.
So I thanked him and left!"

[Bushman]

[Coyote]

The old priest lay dying, In the final hours of his life.
He calls for his lawyer and his accountant. Both men are puzzled
by the request to attend the end of this holy man's life.

As they enter the bed chamber one on either side of the bed, they each
take the hand of this man of God. "Father we are honored that you asked
us to be here with you, but we don't understand the reason why"

The old priest slowly raises his head off the pillow and says " All my life I have attempted
to live my life as a shadow of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ"

"And Well he died between two thieves"

Coyote

[Timeking]

Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks

[Bushman]

This doesn't look like the hot air balloon I rode in Turkey

[Uncle John]

What does the mafia and sex have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in shit.

[Tater]

heres your humor......

The stop light on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged woman, She asked me if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded. "What on earth are blind people doing driving"
and this woman was a probation officer - jeezzzzz


I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $500.00. I asked her if I may large bills please.
She looked at me and replied "Sorry sir all our bills are the same size"
OMG! - i jut stood there and looked at her. - jeezzzzz

[Tater]

Have You Ever Wondered


I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such

as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv 'em, Hug 'em and Pamper 'em.
When old people crap in their pants, what happens next "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad I was able to get that straightened out for you.

[Halfbaked]

You have no idea on how right you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

[Truckinbutch]

Woke up this morning with a hell of a hang over and a blank mind about the last several hours after a company party .
My wife came in the room with a fresh cup of coffee and a frown . That is never good ...........
"Well , you certainly did it last night ! You got totally drunk and started telling the boss how he should be running the company . He told you just how full of shit you were ."
"Well , piss on that old son of a bitch !"
"You did , and he fired your ass ....."
"Well then , fuck the old bastard !"
"I did , you go back to work next Monday.........."

[Jimbo]

haha, hopefully we all make better spirits than Malort

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7s16ewP1RU" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

[goinbroke2]

haha, hopefully we all make better spirits than Malort

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7s16ewP1RU" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

I was crying I was laughing so hard...then the wife and kids showed up...

[jedneck]

Just saw a new camera at the store.
It could take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut.

[rumplestiltskin]

Just saw a new camera at the store.
It could take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut.

This belongs in the Liars Bench area. That cannot be true.

[Truckinbutch]

Just saw a new camera at the store.
It could take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut.

You come on over and have a seat at the Liar's Bench . I think you will be well received there . I've taken still pictures of hummingbirds in flight that were not blurred . NEVER found a camera with enough shutter speed to film a woman with her mouth shut unless it was in a funeral home at the casket .
No offence , Corene . I was speaking of women in general and not a lady of standing such as you are .

[Tater]

Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We
went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three
times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

[whiskymonster]

Screwing a fat girl is like riding a moped - a lot of fun til your friends see you.

Screwing a fat girl is hard to "find" it. You got to roll her in flour and look for a wet spot.

pro tip:

its much easier to throw a handful of alka seltzer.
then fuck where it fizzes!

[Odin]

Guy walks into the sleeping room naked. In full attack mode, so to say. His wife lays on the bed and asks: "Joe, what's that white dot on top of your c*ck?" "Well," Joe answers, "That's asperine, so you can't claim a head ache. Now tell me, how do you want to consume it? Orally or ...?"

Odin.

[Tater]

Catholic Dog


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a
pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went
to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.
Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the
lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000
is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

[Tater]

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone.
'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'



'Do you know a
Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

[Tater]

Marriage Humor
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our
marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'


Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any
worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he
told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married
me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO
MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my
pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your
sense of humor!'


Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him
round the head with a frying pan.



'What was that for?' the man
asked.



The wife replied, 'That was for
the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in
your pants pocket.



The man then said 'When I was
at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I
bet on.'



The wife apologized and went on
with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV
when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger
frying pan, knocking him unconscious.



Upon re-gaining consciousness
the man asked why she had hit him again.



Wife replied. 'Your horse
phoned'

[thecroweater]

so young girl say to her boyfriend don't you think its time you asked me to marry you . Lads says well sweet pea are you sure you ready to spent the rest of your life with the same man. lass giggles and says needed worry about the boy, once we're married you won't Be the same man

[heynonny]

Have you heard about the 'new' Playboy magazine for married guys, same centerfold, month after month, , , ,