Jokes

[olcarguy]

>Ole had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was
>
>questioning Ole .
>
>
>
>"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
>lawyer.
>
>
>
>Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my
>
>favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
>
>
>
>"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the
>
>question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
>
>
>
>Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I vas
driving
>
>down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
>
>trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this
man
>
>told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now
several
>
>weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
is a
>
>fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
>
>
>
>By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said
to
>
>the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule,
>
>Bessie".
>
>
>
>Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had just
>
>loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and vas driving her
down
>
>the highway ven this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
>
>smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and
Bessie
>
>vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad, moaning and
groaning,
>
>I vas, and didn't vant to move.
>
>
>
>However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, too. I knew she vas
in
>
>terrible shape yust by her groans. About then a Highway Patrolman came
on
>
>the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over
to
>
>her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out
his
>
>gun and shot her between the eyes.
>
>
>
>Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me
>
>and
>
>said, "How are you feeling?"
>
>
>
>"Now vat the HELL vould you say?

[olcarguy]

THIS SAYS IT ALL...........
>>
>> Subject: Surgeons - Newfies Know Best!
>>
>>
>> Five Canadian Surgeons are discussing which career category
makes the
>>best patients to operate on.
>>
>> The first, an Ontario surgeon says, "I like to see accountants
on
>>my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside
is
>>numbered."
>>
>> The second a Quebec surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should
try
>>electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
>>
>> The third, a B.C surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians
are
>>the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
>>
>> The fourth, an Alberta surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like
>>construction workers...those guys always understand the situation
where
>>you have a few parts left over.
>>
>> But, the fifth, a Newfie surgeon, stopped them all cold when he
>>observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
on.
>>There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the
head
>>and the ass are interchangeable.
>>

[olcarguy]

wo aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that
was
>>>>>closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and
the
>>>>>younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come
in
>>>>>peace. Take us to your leader."
>>>>>
>>>>>The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became
angry
>>>>>at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down
if I
>>>>>were you."
>>>>>
>>>>>The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again,
>>>>>there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the
pump's
>>>>>haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently,
"Greetings,
>>>>>Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us
to
>>>>>your leader or I will fire!"
>>>>>
>>>>>The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do
that!
>>>>>I don't think you should make him mad."
>>>>>
>>>>>"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at
the
>>>>>pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive
fireball
>>>>>roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
>>>>>deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a
cactus
>>>>>patch.
>>>>>
>>>>>About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness,
he
>>>>>refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and
looked
>>>>>dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him
shaking his
>>>>>big, green head.
>>>>>
>>>>>"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He
damn
>>>>>near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
>>>>>
>>>>>The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his
crispy
>>>>>friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my
>>>>>intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can
wrap
>>>>>his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

[olcarguy]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for
>several years He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic
>tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and
>peach trees.
>
>The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely
>did that anymore.
>
>One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he
>hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
>five gallon bucket with which to bring back some fruit.
>
>As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
>laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of
>young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of
>his presence and they all went to the deep end
>
>One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
>until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down
>here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of
>the pond naked."
>
>Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the
>alligator." He then saw what there was to be seen.
>
>Some old guys can think fast!!!

[CoopsOz]

Keep 'em coming olecarguy, I'm loving them.

[BW Redneck]

I love the surgeon one. Where do you get these?

[olcarguy]

"Becoming a lawyer"

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

[olcarguy]

A woman who just turned 50 is at home, naked,
happily jumping on her bed, and squealing with
delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and
says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from
having a mammogram and the doctor says that
not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of
an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about
your 50-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up!" she replied.

[olcarguy]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.They were determined to make this a real vacation

by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.


As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store

and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach

dressed in their "tourist" garb.


They were sitting on beach chairs,enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a

"drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini

came walking straight towards them.


They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said

"Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,"

nodding and addressing each of them individually,

then she passed on by.

They were both stunned.


How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store

and bought even more outrageous outfits.These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.


After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,

wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time,

came walking toward them.


Again she nodded at each of them, said"Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,"

and started to walk away.


One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,

"Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"


"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,

how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"


She replied,"Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

[olcarguy]

"New glasses"

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.

"What seems to be the problem, madam?"

"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."

[Husker]

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately
spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't
know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

[Husker]

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[Husker]

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained
weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and
couldn't drive.

[Husker]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind
to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."

[olcarguy]

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman comments.
Bob, in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over and it got a bit wild.
Hell, we got so drunk, around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
> >

[Tater]

WOODPECKER STORY
A woodpecker from Hawaii and one from California were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge.
After flying to California , the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the tree in California , but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they came to the same conclusion . . .
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

[olcarguy]

Subject: shorties - but goodies




Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"






A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The fath er replied "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."






Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."






A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all," "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.






An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."






Two Reasons It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:


1. All the DNA is the same.


2. There are no dental records.







While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one"






Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know, Grandpa." He said, "How did you know?" "Because you didn't say 'asshole' afterwards".

[pintoshine]

Tater you got it stared.

Two chipmunks were in a huge argument. One chipmunk said "that tree is a birch" the other said "It is a beach"
A woodpecker flew down and asked "what are you two arguing about?"
and they each told the woodpecker their side of the argument.
The woodpecker said "I can settle this in a moment"
He flew up in the tree and pecked a bit and flew down.
The chipmunks asked, "Is it a beach or a birch?"
The woodpecker replied, "Neither, that is the best piece of ash I ever had my pecker in!"

[level Joe]

Tater you got it stared.

Yea
It sounds like the one he posted on page 2 (Mon Feb 14, 2005 7:01 pm).

[PUGIDOGS]

Three little people who have been friends for years decided they wanted to make a name for themselves. After many days of pondering one gets an idea, I have very short arms wonder if I could get in the guiness book of world records, the second said he has short legs he might do the same and the third hesitates for a few seconds then said he might be able to get in the book for the smallest penis.

After contact with guiness they have an appointment with a doctor that can take all the measurements for there claims. First one goes in for the shortest arms, comes out and is jumping for joy, he made the world record. Second one goes in for the shortest legs, same thing he got the record.

The third one goes in for his measurement on his short penis and comes out. One and two are all excited untill they see him, his head is hung low, walking slowly and sobbing. They asked him what happened. He slowly raises his head and says very softly, I did not get the record.................................................................................................................who is this guy named tater anyway.

Pugi

[CoopsOz]

Can ya top that Tater?

[Tater]

Can ya top that Tater?

allway good to be the weiner

[olcarguy]

Hillbillies

>> > >> Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

>> > >> 1st Hillbilly:"My wife sure is stupid!She bought an air

>>conditioner."

>> > >> 2nd Hillbilly:"Why is that stupid?"

>> > >> 1st Hillbilly:"We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

>> > >> 2nd Hillbilly:"That's nothin'!My wife is so stupid, she bought

>>one

>>of

>> > >> them new fangled warshin' machines!"

>> > >> 1st Hillbilly:"Why is that so stupid?"

>> > >> 2nd Hillbilly:"Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

>> > >> 3rd Hillbilly:"That ain't nuthin'!My wife is dumber than both

>> > >> yer

>> > >> wifes put together....! I was rummag'n through her purse the other

>>day

>> > >> lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

>> > >> 1st and 2nd Hillbillies:"Well what's so dumb about that?"

>> > >> 3rd Hillbilly:"She ain't got no pecker!"

[olcarguy]

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.


6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.


9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.


13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.


14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

[blanikdog]

For Australian Eyes Only



While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls over, has a heart attack and dies, because the accident and emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVENCHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," protests Howard.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules," says Saint Peter. And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and Howard goes down, down, down ... all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and thousands of other Liberals luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- Harold Holt, John Gorton, Bill McMahon – all laughing happily. They reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, John!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Howard, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!"

Howard accepts the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Liberals pulled with the GST and the Free Trade Agreement promises. Then, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone waves as Howard steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food is OK, it's not caviar or lobster. And none of these people is wealthy. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special.

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Bob Menzies never prepared me for this!"

At the end of the day, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Howard reflects for a minute ... then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down again, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he finds himself in the middle of a barren wasteland, covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked John, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"

[Home Distiller]

I think I burst a lung laughing so hard...

[Husker]

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

[olcarguy]

"The Zoo"

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,

"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

[Tater]

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No
one wanted to room with Joe because he snored so badly. They decided
it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they
voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Joe and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Joe snored so
loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Joe shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him
all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed
and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Joe into
bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night."

[Tater]

Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?




Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?



Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?



Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?



Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?



Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?



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