The liar's bench

[smartypants]

Getting ready for a yard sale this weekend and I found something that brought back some funny memories: A pair of brass wall sconces, one of them broken and missing the glass part. My mother and I were discussing whether to send them both to the scrap yard or try to sell the good one when she asked me if I remembered how the one got broken. I don't know if anyone else will understand why this is so damn funny... But what happened is as follows.
It was a decade or so ago on Thanksgiving day, in the morning, and my procrastinating yet control-freak dad was frantically cleaning under the furniture before company got there. He pulled out the couch and found a mess of speaker wire for the home stereo tangled around a bunch of wood trim from a project he hadn't finished and had shoved behind the couch. He insisted that someone must have intentionally wrapped it up like that and started yelling and cursing and jerking on the wire and throwing wood trim around with a broom in one hand. It started to get good when he bumped the sconce knocking it off the wall and cracking the glass. Everyone bit their tongues while he launched into another tirade and then instead of stopping and cleaning up, he bent down and smashed the remaining glass by beating the sconce on the hard floor like he was trying to club a seal to death. I thought the tantrum was over after that. I was wrong. Barefoot and standing in a minefield of glass shards, he started trying to clean the glass out of the existing wood trim/speaker wire mess with the broken sconce STILL IN HIS HAND. In his rage enduced haste he somehow stabbed the last remaining bits of glass clinging to the base into his opposing forearm adding a significant amount of blood spatter to previously described messes while yelling something unrepeatable about the idiots that did this to him. To cap it all off, Mom just stood there silently for a moment and then started slowly clapping (like you would for a standing ovation), and said "way to go, great job". I thought I would die from the bottled up laughter and it stayed fun all day since dad had to wear a big bandage on his arm all day that he was too embarrassed to explain but everyone had to ask about.
I am a really sick person to recall this so fondly?

Anyway, mom and I decided, after recapping this story, that the one good sconce should go to the yard sale, so I cleaned it all up and then thinking I was funny decided to pretend I was smashing it on the table (you know, to poke more fun at poor old dad) and the glass went flying off and shattered on the floor! I was horrified and thought mom would beat me with the broom or something (even though I am very much an adult) but instead she just burst out laughing and we laughed til there were tears rolling down our cheeks. I can't really explain this. I just hope I'm not the only one whose dear family is this messed up.

[Red Rim]

Everybody's family is messed up! If someone thinks there family isn't messed up than maybe they are the one that is the missing link.

We all have outlaws that are inlaws, and inlaws that are law enforcement. Not all of us have daughters in the FBI, I know it is a pain in the ass, but really Truckinbutch, it is still an honor.

[ShineonCrazyDiamond]

Corene ,
Instead of fittin frocks for fellers that don't wear them why don't you just pull one on that you think fits you well and come to the reunion as my date/honorary cousin ? Once the likker starts flowin you got the option of dancin with a feller other than the guy that brung ya . Some of the best fights get started thatta way at a family reunion

Just don't go to Arkansas, then you'd be engaged!

Hey now, a little below the belt, I do believe...

There just might be a few of us south of the borders-ers hanging around, you know

Lol.

I'm just above in Mo, I'm sure you have a laugh at us sometimes. Don't go to ferguson, especially if you're black.
That's ok we like you guys any way.
You know what you call the sweat between two people in Arkansas making love??
Relative humidity!!!

That's some funny shit right there.

Truth be told, the belt I was referring to was the Bible belt

Anyways, I'm not a native, the wife is. My roots come from West Virginia. I moved to Arkansas with a job, now I have family there!

Believe me, Truckinbutch, he ain't lying. They act a damn fool in Arkansas, and are just proud as ever of it!

Good people, though. Just not quite right.

[SoMo]

Where else in the world would folks burn 20$ in gas to save 4$ on a carton of smokes? Funny world we live in. You ever go to the diamond mines down there? Our old mail man put his daughter thru college on diamonds he found at the diamond fields, one was worth 25$k.

[thecroweater]

well lady luck won't lay with me. My house is a few hundred yards from the richest gold mine the world has ever seen and my house stands over gold mines by back yard is littered with filled in shafts and hey tell me the old timers may have only ever recovered 15 or 20% of the gold here. I never found one darn bit plenty have

[SoMo]

well lady luck won't lay with me. My house is a few hundred yards from the richest gold mine the world has ever seen and my house stands over gold mines by back yard is littered with filled in shafts and hey tell me the old timers may have only ever recovered 15 or 20% of the gold here. I never found one darn bit plenty have

Damn, I think I'd be digging and panning. The only natural elements in my yard are oak trees and chicken shit.

[ShineonCrazyDiamond]

Where else in the world would folks burn 20$ in gas to save 4$ on a carton of smokes? Funny world we live in. You ever go to the diamond mines down there? Our old mail man put his daughter thru college on diamonds he found at the diamond fields, one was worth 25$k.

Yeah, we dug around there for a while. Didn't really find anything. It's not really what you think. It's like a huge farm feuld of brown dirt. You just walk along and look on the ground, like shrooming. But most times it's disappointing, and a tourist spot.

Don't know about that mailman you tell of. Sounds like he should be spending time in Shreveport...lol.

[SoMo]

They spent most weekends and holiday time down there digging around the stones he would show us were truly amazing, some just looked like Quartz until cut and polished then holy cow they were brilliant. That was in the late '90's tho, still pretty damn cool. How far from the Mo border are you SCD?

[thecroweater]

yeah down the hill from me gold was found on top and along the creek but my place is on a deep buried river, it was buried by volcanic activity and the ancient river bed was loaded with gold in the porous gravel but although buried it is not a dead river and can suddenly flood. I have had my shafts drop a number of times due to this hidden river flooding so it would be extremely dangerous to mine without the right equipment. Here this happened just down the road from me http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Austra ... e_disaster" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

[Jimbo]

yikes, "left 17 widows and 75 dependent children" Perty clear what they were doin when they werent in the mine...

[ShineonCrazyDiamond]

They spent most weekends and holiday time down there digging around the stones he would show us were truly amazing, some just looked like Quartz until cut and polished then holy cow they were brilliant. That was in the late '90's tho, still pretty damn cool. How far from the Mo border are you SCD?

Couple hours. Outside of the rock.

We spent all our summer hours in MO, before we had our son. Little place outside Emmenince. We camped along a river there. Best damn time of my life.

[SoMo]

They spent most weekends and holiday time down there digging around the stones he would show us were truly amazing, some just looked like Quartz until cut and polished then holy cow they were brilliant. That was in the late '90's tho, still pretty damn cool. How far from the Mo border are you SCD?

Couple hours. Outside of the rock.

We spent all our summer hours in MO, before we had our son. Little place outside Emmenince. We camped along a river there. Best damn time of my life.

The rivers here are spectacular especially down that way clear cold spring water lots of good goggle eye and small mouth fishing.

[S-Cackalacky]

Heard of an ole boy down in Florida who spent his retirement days combing the beach around Sebastian Inlet. He dug up an average of $10K per year of doubloons, pieces of eight, and various jewelry. All of it from sunken Spanish galleons. My best friend from about 30 years ago found a tile from the Challenger shuttle on the same beach - had barnacles on it.

[Truckinbutch]

Heard of an ole boy down in Florida who spent his retirement days combing the beach around Sebastian Inlet. He dug up an average of $10K per year of doubloons, pieces of eight, and various jewelry. All of it from sunken Spanish galleons. My best friend from about 30 years ago found a tile from the Challenger shuttle on the same beach - had barnacles on it.

Finding treasure in FL is kind of like shining . Don't yell , don't tell , and if you sell be very discreet . Otherwise , the state will take it all .

[SoMo]

I just saw an oversized penguin being ridden by a monkey in cowboy garb, being chased by a Nun. Look out shit might get ugly!!!

[Truckinbutch]

I just saw an oversized penguin being ridden by a monkey in cowboy garb, being chased by a Nun. Look out shit might get ugly!!!

QUICK ! Look closer ! Was that 'Nun' actually Flatwoods in drag ? He has some strange ways about him

[heartcut]

Sister Mary Crowbar is lethal- hope that penguin can motivate.

[SoMo]

Sister Mary Crowbar is lethal- hope that penguin can motivate.

I just saw an oversized penguin being ridden by a monkey in cowboy garb, being chased by a Nun. Look out shit might get ugly!!!

QUICK ! Look closer ! Was that 'Nun' actually Flatwoods in drag ? He has some strange ways about him

That monkey was spurring him awful hard, and the nun did have a bottle that said Muckalee on it, batten down the hatches the hurricanes a blowin.

[Truckinbutch]

'Run like the Devil from the Excise Man ! Keep the smoke from risin , Barney !'

[ga flatwoods]

Yep and here I sit feeling like hell during the hottest days of the year so far while nursing a sinus headache gotten from the grandkids last weekend! So guys I dont know who you saw but it wasnt me! Last I saw of the monkey he was helping catch feral hogs by bitch riding them to submission. Perhaps that is what you saw. A couple of the bars round here keep a can of niblet corn on the top shelf case some hogs do show up!

[S-Cackalacky]

Flatwoods, boil some water, pour about an ounce in a whiskey glass, add 4 aspirins and let them dissolve, add a tablespoon of honey and a tablespoon of lemon juice. It should now be cool enough to add about 3 ounces of your Muckalee Creek Water. Drink it all down slow, but in one go. Now, fill that glass again with a good amount of the Creek Water and go curl up somewhere and sip it slow. It'll git rid of the nastiest case of the snotters.

[thecroweater]

Woke up crook as a mutt this very morning, blasted head cold. Anyways one thing I found works a treat for short term relief is get some cloves some table spoons of honey and boil together with a little water until the solution goes amber. Then tip some in a cup and add an equal amount of rum and skull it hot. Ta Da clears ya up instantly and lasts say 20 min or so, or a bit less if ya like the flavour

[moosemilk]

Old family recipe for a cold or flu. Take enough milk (not the low fat junk, the good regular homogenized) for a coffee mug, heat up in saucepan stirring not to burn. Add in a tablespoon of butter (not margarine, but real butter) or two if you like, drip in some of your favorite honey, and crush a garlic clove. Simmer for bout 5 minutes then pour into your mug and drink while hot. Eat that garlic too. Do this right before bed. You'll sweat out whatever it is you have while you sleep (and the garlic comin out of you ensures you get the entire bed for a good sleep). Tastes not bad too, the honey helps the garlic taste. The combination don't sound good, but it works.

Brought a jug i found long time ago when cleanin out grandpa's work room to share at the bench, little dusty, and mind the little bits in there, had a bugger of a time gettin the cork outta it.

[moosemilk]

Sure got quiet here. Either that jug I brought was all skunky or a bit too much! Speaking of skunks...

Some of this is true, some may not be, up to you to decide when and if but I ain't telling.

As of late, every time I been runnin, I had this little skunk showing up. Probably from a litter early summer. Still young and unsure, bit not ornery like them fat old ones that'll spray if you exhale too deep. It's been coming by for all the spent corn I replace each time. So this little stinker become my new buddy. Raised its tail a few times if I moved to quick, or got the light on it, but never sprayed. Walks around my feet while I'm sittin.

Last run, little bugger shows up, two friends along. Keeping an eye out so I dint trip over one is fine, but three is really a crowd so I shoed them others away. Got some corn from my barrel that was used up and set down a pile for stinker. Decided to join in and have a drink myself. Well the two of us sat and drank til my run was through. Packed it up and headed into the house.

I get in, feeling the effects of them shots right off the spout and about to crawl into bed when wifey looks over and an expression of terror comes over her face. I can't figure out why. Then I feel something at my feet. My dog was laying at the wides feet on the bed, so wasn't her. I look down and stinker followed me in it seems. Well I just said to the wife "calm down. You always harping about me getting drunk as a skunk, only difference this time is I'm drunk with one".

[Jimbo]

Flatwoods, take that last bottle I mailed ya, tip it back and drink until you feel like youre gonna spontaneously combust. Put the cap on, and sit down, quick. Close your eyes and wait. Next thing you know it will be morning, and you'll be one more day past this shit. Summer colds suck. Condelences my friend, God speed to get well quick.

[thecroweater]

We don't have skunks, do they really stink like ya see on telly, what in the blazes do they smell like anyway

[moosemilk]

Well, if ya ever smelled good ganja kinda like that if you get a wiff from a distance. I been sprayed once. Was out with the dog. Normally she listens and won't go at a skunk or anything if I tell her. But this one got between her and me. Being mostly dalmatian, you don't do that to her owner. She come tearing over despite my telling her otherwise, grabbed that skunk in her mouth by the middle and gave it a good shaking. That shaking pit that skunk ass end close range at me. Covered me I'm a thickesh yellow sorta stink. Burns hell outta the eyes, and it has a real bad burned rubber almost smell, bit so bad you wanna puke, or do. And ya know what? That damn dog didn't get a drop on her! Thanks for "protecting" master.

And this isn't any embellished story. I wished it were!

[S-Cackalacky]

Do all the describin' you want, but a skunk is somethin' that can only be appreciated to its fullest when experienced first-hand. Ain't no explainin' how BAD bad can be.

[moosemilk]

Do all the describin' you want, but a skunk is somethin' that can only be appreciated to its fullest when experienced first-hand. Ain't no explainin' how BAD bad can be.

Thank you SC. That bout sums it up

[Truckinbutch]

Do all the describin' you want, but a skunk is somethin' that can only be appreciated to its fullest when experienced first-hand. Ain't no explainin' how BAD bad can be.

Perfect explanation of skunk piss .
If they friendly up as younguns they will get comfortable enongh to not piss on the folks they are used to . Very playful and part of the cat family . Pure hell on a honey bee population . Friendly as they can be to folks they are familiar with ; if a stranger enters their area , one spray fits all .