Jokes

[goinbroke2]

Out with the boys tonight, had quite a bit when the wife called screaming at me. “I made supper and if you’re not home in 20 minutes I’m feeding it to the dog”!

Whoa, I said, don’t take it out on the dog, he didn’t do nothing!

[goinbroke2]

Better than last night though.
I came home absolutely polluted and she was standing on the front step.

“Look at the state of YOU, the neighbors are probably watching, you’re an embarrassment!
Put some damn makeup on”!

I figure a strong offence is the best defence

[goinbroke2]

Was at the bar the other night and this huge woman walked in, smacked me on the ass and asked for my number. I asked her if she had a pen. She said yes so I told her she better get back to it before the farmer finds out she’s gone.

That cost me a bicuspid....

[Oldvine Zin]

.......................................................................................

Some tastless crap you posted here


OVZ

[goinbroke2]

Later on I saw three big ones talking with a Scottish accent so being a polite Canadian I asked if they were from Scotland.
One swung around and screeched at me “it’s Wales you Fercan Canuck, WALES!”

So I opologized and asked again, are you Wales from Scotland?

Black eye to go with the missing bicuspid.

[goinbroke2]

.......................................................................................

Some tastless crap you posted here


OVZ

True, some of my buddies try to out do each other and it gets pretty twisted. It always starts with Helen Keller jokes and goes downhill from there.


Those are the jokes you go “ewwww, you’re fucked” or “oh man, you’re going to hell for that one”.

[HDNB]

.......................................................................................

Some tastless crap you posted here


OVZ

True, some of my buddies try to out do each other and it gets pretty twisted. It always starts with Helen Keller jokes and goes downhill from there.


Those are the jokes you go “ewwww, you’re fucked” or “oh man, you’re going to hell for that one”.

ya know what Helen Keller would have to say about this low brow humour?

[goinbroke2]

Bwahahaha!

Hear about her burning her face? She answered the iron....oh don’t get me started, lol.

[KingE]

Why can’t Helen Keller drive a car?


She’s a girl.

[goinbroke2]

Why can’t Helen Keller drive a car?


She’s a girl.

Hahaha...oh wait...waaaaa, that’s sexist!

[heynonny]

The new Hellen Keller doll?

Wind it up & it walks into a wall, , , ,

[MaxMondo]

A guy comes home drunk one night. Walks into the bedroom. His wife is there and really pissed off, she says where the hell you been.
He looks at her and walks out into the kitchen. Comes back awhile later, looks at his wife and asks, does lemons have legs? She says hell no lemons don't have legs.
He says, well then I just squeezed the piss out a' your canary....

[goinbroke2]

Bwahahaha!

Again, so fucked it’s funny...and no I don’t condone cruelty to animals....

Gotta remember that one, funny as hell.

My kid made up an oddball one years ago, he was like 10 at the time;

Roses are red, violets are blue,
I don’t like rhymes, potato.

Still laugh when I think of it.

[MaxMondo]

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” “No”, he replies,”I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What”s so special about it?”

The cowboy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What”s it telling you now?”

Well, it says you’re not wearing any undies.”

The woman giggles and replies “Well it must be broken because I am wearing undies!”

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”

[Bushman]

A Doctor on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus and clam I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum

Happy New Year

[Kareltje]

Thadt's aaa goed wan.

[Truckinbutch]

Johnny and Tommy were brothers 3 years apart .
Dad has a chance to sneak home for a 'nooner' and calls Mom and tells her to give the kids money to go get ice cream .
Johnny and Tommy get back home quick to a locked house with most of the blinds pulled down .
Them kids eat ice cream quick .
Johnny pulls himself up to peek under the living room blind and waves Tommy to come over and climb up on his back to have a look under that blind .
Tommy struggles up to Johnny's shoulders and peeks under the blinds ..............................................
Slides back to the ground with his hands on his hips in a disgusted stance :
"WELL ! ,I'll be Damned !"
" THAT'S RIGHT ! And you remember that that is the same bitch that beat your ass for sucking your thumb .

[sltm1]

Such hypocrisy !!!!

[kiwi Bruce]

Watch this...https://biggeekdad.com/2013/07/man-has-lucky-escape/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

a good laugh for a Monday morning.

[hpby98]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1_QTm-wpsY" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

Magic table

[hpby98]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

It’s not about the nail

[sltm1]

I want everybody to know, I just copied all 3 of those outrageously funny videos to my FB page, I'll be posting visiting hours when I get sent to FB jail, come visit me if you have the time LOL

[Bushman]

[sltm1]

When a redhead on one side of the river, called out to a blonde on the other side of the river, " Hey, how do I get to the other side?" The blonde replied...."You're already there !"

[sltm1]

And one more "little Johnny".........

The teacher asked the class, "Who can use the word "fascinate" in a sentence? Two children and little Johnny raised their hands to give an answer. This not being her first rodeo with little Johnny, she asked Betty Sue 1st. Betty stood up and said, last week my sheep had baby lambs and I was fascinated watching the birth". The teacher said " Wonderful story, Betty, but I asked to use the word fascinate, not fascinated. She called another student with his hand up....obviously not little Johnny, this time it was George. George stood up and said," We had our horseshoer out yesterday to put new shoes on our Shetland pony, I've never seen shoes so small, it was fascinating to watch !". Again the teacher had to remind the class, the word was just "fascinate", not ending in "ed" or "ing". Finally, there were no more hands up but one, so she was forced, much to her chagrin, to call on little Johnny. He stood up and proceeded to use the word properly in a sentence by saying this. "Yesterday my sister went to the mall to buy a new blouse, she bought a real pretty one with 10 buttons down the front.....but her boobs were so big she could only fascinate !!"

[Bushman]

[HDNB]

does your family have a coat of arms?

mine does.


the sleeves tie up in the back.

[Fruit Squeezer]

GOLF:
A cop is called to a home for a report of domestic violence. He arives and knocks on the door.
An old woman out of breath, answers the door covered in blood.

As the cop enters the home he sees the husbands body in a puddle of blood next to a bent and twisted 9 iron.
There is blood spatter on the cieling, furniture, and walls.

The cop asks the old lady...
Cop: ma'am, is that your husband?
Lady: yes
Cop: did you kill him?
Lady: yes
Cop: with that golf club?
Lady: yes, I did

The cop again, looks at the bent club and all of the blood, and asks, "Damn lady, how many times did you hit him"?

She replied, "three...or four... Aw hell, just put me down for a three".

[HDNB]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret looked him over and said, “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom and undressed completely. He then walked back into the kitchen, completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up at his naked body and exclaimed, “Bert, you know what, nothing is different! It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY COOL NEW BOOTS!”

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, “Should have bought a hat, Bert. Should have bought a hat.”

[Bushman]