Jokes

[olcarguy]

Awesome Senior Moment.
>>>
>>>
>>>Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent
>>>interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro
>>>station in DC.
>>>
>>>There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the
>>>evils of America .
>>>
>>>I politely declined to take one.
>>>
>>>An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young
>>>(20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely
>>>declined.
>>>
>>>The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture
>>>of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about
>>>the children of Iraq ?"
>>>
>>>The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France
>>>during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam .
>>>
>>>All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth
>>>our
>>>country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and
>>>open it."

[olcarguy]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!
>
> LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
>report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
>explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo,
>the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
>cried.
> The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the
>way."
> A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard."
>He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
>
>____________________________________________________________________
> FAMILY
>
>
> Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
>together.
> One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her
>foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or
>out of the bath?"
> The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up
>and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs
>or down?"
> The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having
>tea listening
> to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure
>hope I never get that
> forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up
>and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
>
>
> "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
>
> Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing
>golf one fine
> March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
> "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
> And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a
>beer."
>
>
>______________________________________________________________________
>
> LITTLE LADY:
> A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
>nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown
>and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
>Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
> He sat silently for a moment or two and finally
>answered, "I'll take the soup."
>
>
>______________________________________________________________________
>
> OLD FRIENDS:
> Now this one is just too Precious...LOL !
>
> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
>Over the
> years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
>adventures. Lately,
> their activities had been limited to meeting a few times
>a week to
> play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one
>looked at the
> other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've
>been friends
> for a long time, but I just can't think of your name!
>I've thought and
> thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what
>your name is."
> Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she
>just
> stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do
>you need to know?"
>
>
>
>
> SENIOR DRIVING
> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his
>car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning
>him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
>wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
> "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
>hundreds of them!"
>
>______________________________________________________________________
>
>
> DRIVING
>
> >
> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -
>both could
> barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
>along, they came
> to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just
>went on
> through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to
>herself "I must be
> losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red
>light." After
> a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
>and the light
> was red again. Again, they went right through The woman
>in the
> passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been
>red but was
> really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting
>nervous At
> the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
>and they went on
> through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
>"Maggie, did you
> know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
>You could have killed us both!"
> Maggie turned to her and said , "Oh, shoot, am I driving

[TRANSPLANTED HILLBILLY]

Sorry if this is a repeat.

A fireman is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a
>>little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off
>>the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
>>
>>The girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is being pulled by
>>her dog and cat. The fireman walked over to get a closer look. "That sure
>>is a nice fire truck," he says with admiration.
>>
>>"Thanks" the girl says.
>>
>>The fireman looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon
>>to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
>>"Little Partner", the fireman says, "I don't want to tell you how to run
>>your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I
>>think you could go faster"
>>The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
>>wouldn't have a siren."

[olcarguy]

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year
>>old.
>> >>
>> >> Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after
>>their
>> >> wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because
>>she is
>> >> concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself
>>if they
>> >> spend the entire night together.
>> >>
>> >> After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for
>>bed and
>> >> the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes,
>>the door
>> >> opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for
>>action.
>> >> They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his
>>bride, and
>> >> she prepares to go to sleep.
>> >>
>> >> After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her
>>bedroom door,
>> >> and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".
>>Somewhat
>> >> surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling.
>> >>
>> >> When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her
>>a fond
>> >> goodnight and leaves.
>> >>
>> >> She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it,
>>Wally is back
>> >> again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old,
>>ready for
>> >> more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But
>>as Wally
>> >> gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am
>>thoroughly
>> >> impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
>>often. I have
>> >> been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good
>>once.
>> >> You are truly a great lover, Wally."
>> >> Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You
>>mean I
>> >> was here already?"
>> >>
>> >> The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things
>>that
>> >> matter."
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>

[olcarguy]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face
was severely burned.

The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his
body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable
would have to come from her buttocks.



The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where
the
skin came from,

and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's
new
face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before!

All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion
at
her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for
me.

How can I possibly repay you?"



"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I
see
your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[olcarguy]

"Book for sale"

Cards offering used textbooks for sale are posted on the college notice board at the beginning of each semester. One read: "Introduction to Psychology, $8, never used." The card was signed, "Must sell."

The next day a note had been added: "Good price. Are you sure it's never been used?" Signed, "Prospective buyer."

Below in a different hand was: "Positive!" Signed, "Professor who graded his exam."

[olcarguy]

Subject: Fw: Newfie Lubricant
>
>
>
>
>
>
> > Newfie Lubricant
> > Way down in the out ports of Newfoundland, Murph's old lady had
been
> > pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to
the
> > doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
> > She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and
said.
>"Hey,
> > Murph! You just had you a son!
> > "Ain't dat grand!!" Murph got excited by this, but just then the
doctor
> > spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"
> > The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murph! You
got
>you
> > a daughter!!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too...."
> > Murph got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold
on, we
> > ain't got done yet!"
> > The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Murph, you just
had
> > yourself another boy!"
> > Murph said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?" The
> > doctor said, "You never know Murph, it was probably something that
> > happened during conception." Murph said, "Ah yeah, during
conception."
> > When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat
down
> > with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran
out of
> > Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil." She said, "Yeah, I
> > remember dat night..."
> > Murph said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's a fookin' good ting we didn't
use
> > dat WD-40!!"

[olcarguy]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
>HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE
>THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD............
>
>Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
>Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
>You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget
shit,
>and tell others to eat shit.
>
>Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
>between shit and shineola.
>There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull
shit,
>horse shit, and chicken shit.
>
>You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck
when
>the shit hits the fan.
>You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
>You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
>
>Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
>and some days are just plain shitty.
>Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are
times
>when you feel like shit.
>
>You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong
shit
>or a lot of weird shit.
>You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit
creek
>without a paddle.
>
>Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall
in a
>bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
>When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block
of
>the English language.
>
>And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything

>else!!
>You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you
don't
>give a shit!
>Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do
give
>a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if
you
>happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
>
>Well, Shit Happens!!!

[olcarguy]

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have
>some
>special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you
wild
>at sex."
>
>Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
>the man
>claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the
sex
>god
>he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into
a
>sex
>freak?"
>
>The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
>
>So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,
>and
>tried them on.
>As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
>eyes,
>something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye,
>the
>husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked
>down his
>pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the
>Jamaican's
>hips.
>
>The Jam aican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet!
>You got
>dem on the wrong feet!"
>

[BW Redneck]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
>HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE
>THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD............
>
>Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
>Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Can't agree more.

[olcarguy]

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I
Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to
Her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her
The money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated
And knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her
The money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the
$46.64.

This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane.

............ ...They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.



I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon for
A sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
Chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already
Buy-one-get- one-free" , she said, "so I guess they're both free" She
Handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

............ ...They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.



One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of
Them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky
And said, "Where?"

............ ...They Walk Among Us!



While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
Direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
Him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime,
She shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."

............ ...They Walk Among Us!!



I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
Got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
Open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days
A week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to
End the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

............ ...They Walk Among Us!



My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a
Seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

............ ...They Walk Among Us!



My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
Discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
Cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

............ ...They Walk Among Us!



I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to
The lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
Showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
Trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,
Has your plane arrived yet?"

............ ...They Walk Among Us!


While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza
To go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like
It cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
Responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough
To eat 6 pieces."

............ ...Yep, They Walk Among Us!

[olcarguy]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a
>pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to
>buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede,
>100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He
>took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he
>would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
>
>So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's
>place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new
>Pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then
>asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with
>me?"
>
>But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited
>a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
>He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up
>against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you
>like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?
>
>YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......
>
>A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time. I'm
>putting my fucking shoes on!"
>

[olcarguy]

"Great rescue"

Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who rescued her.

The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that the white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.

He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."

[olcarguy]

"Landscapers"

Two landscapers were working diligently alongside the streets of a huge office complex. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of a street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

[Tater]

One night after A couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly! and rolled over to his side of the bed.......

" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!!"

[Tater]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time, and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and
very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and looking for a girl with big tits.

[blanikdog]

I am now older and wiser, and looking for a girl with big tits.

[olcarguy]

Remember This is just in fun.......




ALERT LEVELS
>
> The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
>threats and have raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved.'
>Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or
>even 'A Bit Cross.' Londoners have not been 'A Bit Cross' since the blitz
>in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been
>re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to 'A Bloody Nuisance.' The last time the
>British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was during the great fire
>of 1666.
>
> Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
>its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide.' The only two higher levels in
>France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate.' The rise was precipitated by a
>recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
>paralyzing the country's military capability.
>
> It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level
>of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly and
>Excitedly' to 'Elaborate Military Posturing.' Two more levels remain:
>'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides.'
>
> The Germans also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful
>Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.' They also have
>two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbour' and 'Lose.'
>
> Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
>only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
>
> The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
>deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
>Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy...

[olcarguy]

"No Novocaine "

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want novocaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

[Tater]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout. She turned to him and said , "I hope I h aven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout. As she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said
you'd be paying for her things, too."

[Tater]

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is


It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin


People to git cancer ?"


"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.


"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer


makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers


an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"


"Sure is, Bubba."


"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was


gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"


"Yep."


"And that football player sued that university when he


Gradiated and still couldn't read?"


"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"


"Well, I was thinkin . ..


What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all


them ugly women I slept with?"

[Tater]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business ! together " the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

[olcarguy]

This could be a true story



An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one
Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and
brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the
jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man
stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so
I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds
and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no
money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my
weekend!"

Don't mess with Old People.

[olcarguy]

Subject: Another Blonde Golf Joke!



A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to, of all people, a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".



Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[Tater]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him
that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would
know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His
wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh,
just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him
the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and
collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without! Request bread!

[The Chemist]

TEACHER ARRESTED AT AIRPORT

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.
Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while
In possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and
A calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of
absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer
to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more
intelligent or profound statement by the president.

[The Chemist]

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy,
took him behind a tree and wrote a note.

"I have kidnapped your Child. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money.
Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM."
Signed, "The Blonde ."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home .

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside The bag with
the cash was the following note.

"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

[blanikdog]

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

To be honest, nor have I, but I'm only an Australian.

[Tater]

Cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist
examines him, he s ays, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you
a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not
having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a
couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of
water. "Here," he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to
hang on to while I pull your tooth."

[Tater]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle.



From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break
down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to
see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw
a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private
parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she
dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked
everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the
hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.