Home Distiller

here's it's a cold dry. why, one ole boy last winter...we wus have some beers out in the genny shed when he stepped out to relieve hisself.
fella wasn't payin' attention and pissed too close to his boot, which immediately froze to the ground.
this unnerved him a bit, knowing that cold can bite in quick and he eased up on the pressure for a moment which was a bad thing to do. anybody knows ya gotta keep the pump runnin' full at that temperature.
now he'us screwed, the piss froze instantly all the way up to his pecker... and now he was froze to the ground in two spots. and couldn't bend down to undo the laces on the froze boot.

presence of mind saved him though. he pulled off a mitt and melted the froze piss-stream with his hand, and came limping back into the shed with one boot on and his dick covered by the mitt.
we laffed pretty heartily at his misfortune as he had to thaw his weiner for 10 minutes in front of the stove before he could button up his business.

never did find that damn boot. think the 'yotes got it mebbe.

I just had to come here and tell ya'll this one. My youngest daughter received this magic mixer cake making thing for Christmas. It requires absolutely no cooking. Like an EZ bake but no cooking. Everything gets mixed and put in the fridge to finish. So she just makes her first little miniature brownie things and pits them in the fridge. After the 15 minutes she takes them out and I guess they were a little darker than she expected. Being very serious, she looks at my wife and says "oh my god mom, I think I burned them!"

I sure hope she stays a tom boy, Cuz if she can burn refrigerated brownies now, she's gonna need to find a man to cook and clean while she heads off to work lol.

moosemilk wrote:I just had to come here and tell ya'll this one. My youngest daughter received this magic mixer cake making thing for Christmas. It requires absolutely no cooking. Like an EZ bake but no cooking. Everything gets mixed and put in the fridge to finish. So she just makes her first little miniature brownie things and pits them in the fridge. After the 15 minutes she takes them out and I guess they were a little darker than she expected. Being very serious, she looks at my wife and says "oh my god mom, I think I burned them!"

I sure hope she stays a tom boy, Cuz if she can burn refrigerated brownies now, she's gonna need to find a man to cook and clean while she heads off to work lol.

that is excellent

What the hell is wrong with folks! The new year comes around and all of a sudden everyone wants to look at it like it is anything other than just another day. For some reason they try to change who they are overnight. Just look around this place! Still clean since the last time I sent Jose around here to clean up after the impromptu keg party we had after jimbo set his outside to do his annual cleaning at the bbq shack. Hey, in a pinch, a dive tank will do well to power beer keg dispenser. Damn red solo cups were everywhere. Jimbo was so high from pine sol and bleach blend that he didnt give a shit it was his beer. Honestly, I do not think he knew! Oh well, beer once spilt or drank is gone. Now, the fact there is no one here. They done gone to the new HD Anonymous meeting. Probably acting like a bunch of asses, being silly about a serious subject. HD Affliction can cause unknown damages to personal hygene, personal finances, personal relationships, job performances, etc. It can even get in the way of ya eating and drinkin' ifn ya aint careful. Damn computers ruining this world ! No one wants to sit eye to eye and bullshit anymore! Well I hate it for them loosers who cant have enough self control to get the tablet out of their hand for just a little while without feeling like quitting cigarettes and craving a fix.
Tonight I am just going to sit right here and have another beer....

Sure you do that.... What's up with your monkey?

"IT IS TB'S DAMN MONKEY!"

That's not what TB said!!!

Ummm...I think he was asking about your "monkey". Could be wrong though.

tp

The wise monkey doesn't monkey with another monkey's monkey . That damned monkey belongs to Flatwoods and he's damn well welcome to him after the damage he caused here .
Besides , I got enough trouble here on the home front . I'll tell you about that after I go piss and then find me another drink .

Booze break!

tp

if he starts quoting Ephesians , you can try to haul ass but probably won't do much good!

ga flatwoods wrote:

windowslivewriterconduiteduchangementoulesrsistanceslinno-e8f1monkey-gun-thumb4.png

if he starts quoting Ephesians , you can try to haul ass but probably won't do much good!

Whats with monkeys and guns? I honestly am scared to death of getting lost on a 12 mile dirt GA road. It's like the planet of the apes up in here.

Or is this just that same African import raising all this ruckus?

flatwoods wrote:if he starts quoting Ephesians , you can try to haul ass but probably won't do much good!

"To everything turn, turn...and burn"?

tp

T-Pee wrote:Ummm...I think he was asking about your "monkey". Could be wrong though.

tp

You may be right TP! A man wearing a skirt really should not ask another about his "monkey".

tp

Like my line says if you wear underwear it's a skirt!!!

He was ass-uming.

tp (not double-checking in any case)

You know what that does..... Make an ass of u and me... Wait a minute

Bigbob wrote:You know what that does..... Make an ass of u and me... Wait a minute

I didn't know that but...umm..never mind.

tp

Well , I woke up yesterday morning with no way to hold my head that it didn't hurt . Mouth felt and tasted like one of the dogs had shit in it . Made it to the bathroom to piss and started remembering ........ We were going to the company party last night and the boss was paying for an open bar ............... Must have gone . I don't feel like this when I drink my own .... Looked in the mirror and OMG! Who's that red eyed , hung over sombitch staring back at me

Made my way to the kitchen and there was no coffee made . Knew I was in trouble then , for sure . Suffered through the coffee maker doing it's thing for , seemed like , ages . Poured two thirds of a cup and topped it up with some of my sweet feed . Half of that down and I began to have hopes that I might live . Then the wife stomped in from the patio . There was storm clouds all about her and her hands were planted on her hips .
I was dead meat , I just knew it . And then it began ,
"WELL! You certainly did it up right last night !"

"I did ?"
"Yesiree , you did . Downed 2 fifths of bar whiskey in almost a continuous swallow and then started telling the boss how you should be running his company and just how you would run it ............"

"And ?"
"And he told you what an asshole you were when you had a few drinks in you and said some unflattering things about your Mother ."
"I should have punched the sonofabitch in the mouth !"
"You did ! And he fired your ass ."
"Then , fuck the sonofabitch !"


"I did ......... You go back to work Tuesday ."

So how was your weekend ?

Forcing the wife to take one for the team. Now that is a rough night,,,,As long as she was complaining.....

Here is a lie I gave up drinking. hoe does this lairs bench thing work?

Imagine an old school general store, with a bunch of the local yocals hanging out, telling bullshit stories, some real, some lightly stretched, some straight up lies. You choose. Passing the jug, having a good time.
Fill in where you want, tell is the truth, tell us straight up bullshit. No rules just stories.

if the wind blows pucker

rubber duck wrote:Here is a lie I gave up drinking. hoe does this lairs bench thing work?

Only rule is : there ain't no rules . Nothing is sacred , all topics are welcome so long as we don't breach overall forum rules .

Just set down on the bench and let fly . It don't hurt none to bring a drop to share around .

What in God's name is all the racket about? Found me a nice quiet place to sleep in the shade under this bench figured it was a good idea since everyone was at that meeting. Now you all come back here and disturb my nap. Ahh hell, good to see the bench back to use. Maybe I can get something decent to drink instead of that nasty quart of popskull I found tucked in behind the bench.

JAYZ-us, moose. Say something before you come crawlin' out from under there. Thought it was somebody's damned monkey comin' out for more hell-raisin'.

tp

T-Pee wrote:JAYZ-us, moose. Say something before you come crawlin' out from under there. Thought it was somebody's damned monkey comin' out for more hell-raisin'.

tp

Considering who you are talking to is there really a difference ?

Truckinbutch wrote:

T-Pee wrote:JAYZ-us, moose. Say something before you come crawlin' out from under there. Thought it was somebody's damned monkey comin' out for more hell-raisin'.

tp

Considering who you are talking to is there really a difference ?

moosemilk wrote:What in God's name is all the racket about? Found me a nice quiet place to sleep in the shade under this bench figured it was a good idea since everyone was at that meeting. Now you all come back here and disturb my nap. Ahh hell, good to see the bench back to use. Maybe I can get something decent to drink instead of that nasty quart of popskull I found tucked in behind the bench.

Damn Moose, you drank that shit?! I swear I saw Flatwoods relievin' hisself in that thang.