Jokes

[heynonny]

[Bushman]

[Forest Beekeeper]

I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.

ME: Hello.
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.

ME: Is this AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: This is AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: Is this AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please?

ME: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.

ME: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

ME: May I ask who is calling, please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: The phone company.
AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

ME: 7 days a week.?
AT&T: That's right.

ME: 365 days a year.?
AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!

ME: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

ME: OK, so will you send me cheques weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?

ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?

ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for

ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?
ME: Yeah.

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
ME: Is This A T &T?

SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be Careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?

ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family" thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: click........

[HDNB]

hey, i just wanted to tell you guys about a charity i recently got involved with.
they are doing really important work -now, i'm not asking you to make a donation or anything- i just wanted to tell you about it, tell you about the great success we have been having.
It's really not about the money, we really just need awareness, get more people talking about it.
What we are doing is sending really obese kids to the rain forest. Now this is really expensive, sometimes we even have to get two seats on the plane. but again -it's not about the money...we could use some help though, so if you got a minute you could maybe go to the website and check it out:
feedthetigersdotcom

[Teddysad]

Sitting at the bar at the airport. Two guys next to me were talking and both decided that if two women pilots were flying their plane they would not travel.
I thought to myself "what a couple of sexist pratts they were"

After all it is not as if those women pilots had to parallel park or reverse the plane.

[Kareltje]

[kiwi Bruce]

Loosely translated the sign says...
"Women's parking area
please keep two spaces free"

[Bushman]

Thanks Kiwi!

[Bushman]

[cranky]

This one is actually less of a joke than it really should be but today I found the actual end of the universe

That is a real picture of a Starbucks next door to a Starbucks!

It's said that if you stand directly between them time ceases to exist and you can feel every molecule of your body at once but if you stand there too long you may be turned into dust!

[acfixer69]

I like that must be a brother in law thing

[Oldvine Zin]

That is a real picture of a Starbucks next door to a Starbucks!

Hey this is the jokes section, that photo is off topic here.
Instead of laughing I'm crying... wonder when they are going to get into the liquor business and start promoting crap booze?

OVZ

[kiwi Bruce]

but if you stand there too long you may be turned into dust!

see...I was told it was coffee grounds...used ones...

[cranky]

but if you stand there too long you may be turned into dust!

see...I was told it was coffee grounds...used ones...

Thinking about it that makes MUCH more sense

[Bushman]

[Bushman]

[heynonny]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

[seamusm53]

While there is a book available and now a traveling show, I recommend the videos on

oldjewstellingjokes.com

These are free and hilarious videos of grandmas and grandpas telling great jokes - many you won't tell to your grandchildren.

[HDNB]

Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said Ruth, the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old, Maxine. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”
“Actually,” said Gilda, the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked Ruth.
“No, I pee every morning at 6 a.m. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”
“Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?” Maxine questioned.
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30 a.m,” Gilda responded.
Puzzled with this, Ruth said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so tough about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7.”

[still_stirrin]

...“I don’t wake up until 7.”

From now on, I’m setting my alarm for 6am.

[Bushman]

At my age I go to the bathroom 3-4 times a night. I even make it to the toilet once or twice!

[Sunshineer]

Three weeks ago I got lost in Tennessee while I was looking for some of Popcorns lost shine. I stopped to ask a farmer directions when I noticed that he was standing next to a pig with three legs so I asked him why his pig had three legs?
He Said. Last year my boy got in trouble swimming in the creek and that pig jumps in swims over and saves his life.
I Said. But what about the three legs?
He Said. Nine months ago my tractor turned over and pinned me to the ground pig ran over dug me out and dragged me back to the house and saved my life.
I Said. But what about the three legs?
He Said. Six months my house caught fire and the pig smelled the smoke ran into the burning house woke up my sleeping wife and lead her out saving her life.
I Said. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE THREE LEGS?
He Said. Three months ago I lost control of my truck and drove into the pond knocking out my whole family pig jumps in and saved everybody.
I Said. Please just tell me why he has three legs?
He Said. Last month was Christmas.
I Said. So why the hell does he have three legs?
He Said. You don't expect me to eat a great pig like this all at one time do you.
I Said. Happy Stillin.

[heynonny]

[Bushman]

[Bushman]

[The Baker]

Good one, Bushman.

Geoff

[contrahead]

I'm going to suggest that this greenhouse structure was built by a human. Because a chimp or an orangutan would probably not have taken a picture of their own construction project.

[cranky]

I'm going to suggest that this greenhouse structure was built by a human. Because a chimp or an orangutan would probably not have taken a picture of their own construction project.

Did MCH give you that picture of my shed?

[jonnys_spirit]

http://corn-hub.blogspot.com/?m=1" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

Cheers!
-jonny

[jog666]

omg...... funny crap right there.