Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive this?

[Popcorn Fan]

I think in situations like this everyone needs to take a step back, couple of deep breaths, clear the mind (as much as possible anyway) give each other space (one of you go somewhere for a week and do something you enjoy - recharge the batteries)

Then come back and when you see the other person sit and talk......

[blanikdog]

I've not made any comment SB as I've had three marriage failures so what can I say except that I understand how you feel. If it's any help at all, my current - non married - partnership has lasted for well over thirty years and will probably last until one of us snuffs it. Good Luck.

[Ayay]

Did you both promise to go thru thick an thin as it comes? It's hard. No matter what happens there's a silver linin. Every down is followed by an up like the waves in the sea.

Nobody can own anotherbody. We don't own anything when the time comes. Do your best and accept the results regardless of their appearance. If you did your best then you done good.

[ScottishBoy]

Did you both promise to go thru thick an thin as it comes? It's hard. No matter what happens there's a silver linin. Every down is followed by an up like the waves in the sea.

Nobody can own anotherbody. We don't own anything when the time comes. Do your best and accept the results regardless of their appearance. If you did your best then you done good.

We did and I meant it, but she has been coming back that "a vow is not a prison sentence." It's a little disheartening.
But she is right, I didnt realize she had shut down and just assumed things were okay. I keep trying to apologize but its not working. she doesnt want to understand how it happened and Im only three days into the understanding of it myself.
We are in such different spaces, we might as well be 50 years apart from each other.

[MuleKicker]

I can imagine that hearing these things from your best friend in life/the one you love has got to be very difficult. Having kids makes it worse. But you cannot make a person love you. You may be able to make them stay. But it may never be the same again. It may only be torture for both of you. You are dealing with some of the toughest times in you life now. I wish you luck SB, how ever it turns out.

[ScottishBoy]

If there is a "bright side" to this, I finally broke my writers block of 17 years...apparently I can only write when I am miserable.

wm_the briar crown.zip

Its a Russian Folk Tale...just so you dont waste your time...;)

(6.17 KiB) Downloaded 139 times

[LWTCS]

I have read (and I'm paraphrasing) that in some instances,,,,,,,if you have to argue your point,,,then you have already lost the arguement....

Ain't nothin better out there better than you... (Unless you are a wacko). Wine and roses are temporary..

To early for any of your improvements/changes to carry enough weight. Make improvements for yourself and the rest will take care of it's self.......

She'll be back..or not.

[blind drunk]

Sometimes when me and my wife get to that place, we go for a really long drive in the car. Seems the car provides a neutral ground for honesty and even forgiveness (and lots of screaming too). It's sounds silly maybe, but it's worked many times. I wish you both the best. Keep growing and stay strong.

[The Baker]

If there is a "bright side" to this, I finally broke my writers block of 17 years...apparently I can only write when I am miserable.

wm_the briar crown.zip

Yeah, that is what I have heard about a lot of famous writers.

.................................................

I know people who analyze the crap out of everything instead of concentrating on being comfortable in the moment...

The pearl of wisdom I said I wouldn't offer.

[Barney Fife]

Love is grand... Divorce is ten grand..... Freedom is priceless!

She's already proven she's flaky, bud. Walk away. Trying to "save" what's already lost is a waste of your energy and time. Been there, done that. Best thing I ever did was walk away and let it be. Wife #2 is WAY better than wifey #1 ever was or could be. After seeing where #1 was wrong for me(and I for her), I was able to find the right partner for life. You will, too. Oh, and wife #1? She's never done anything good since, far as I'm told. She had a really nice ass, but that's it...

Raise a glass of your finest, and repeat after me: "adios, bitch". Drink it up, and in the morning, write her off. Get off your knees, and back on your feet. She don't deserve you, and you deserve way better.

[hstuurman]

He Scottish Boy,

I can't give you any advice, cause you (by youre self or the two of you) have to follow you're own path.
I have been deforced once, and have been riding a bumpy road in my recent relation. I know how it feels, and the pain can be killing you.

The struggle will be hard, I remember the pain, but in either ways, you will get another good life in a couple of years.....
Don't be to hard on yourself and I wish you all the best.

[ScottishBoy]

Love is grand... Divorce is ten grand..... Freedom is priceless!

She's already proven she's flaky, bud. Walk away. Trying to "save" what's already lost is a waste of your energy and time. Been there, done that. Best thing I ever did was walk away and let it be. Wife #2 is WAY better than wifey #1 ever was or could be. After seeing where #1 was wrong for me(and I for her), I was able to find the right partner for life. You will, too. Oh, and wife #1? She's never done anything good since, far as I'm told. She had a really nice ass, but that's it...

Raise a glass of your finest, and repeat after me: "adios, bitch". Drink it up, and in the morning, write her off. Get off your knees, and back on your feet. She don't deserve you, and you deserve way better.

Ah Barney if I could I would, but I have children involved and I dont want them lost in the mix. If there werent children in the mix, I would have picked up some of my stuff and moved the hell out as soon as she said it. Then we could have started on the possibility of reconciliation, but we would have had the space. As long as there are my children involved, I have to try with all my heart to make this right.

My eight year old looked ame this morning and asked if there was something wrong. I told her that Mom and Dad were having some problems. She looked at me and pursed her lips and said "Well, it's my problem too if you get divorced."

This is hurting me bad, and I dont want the kids to get hurt.

[mash rookie]

SB,
I think Rubber Duck is pretty solid with advice when says MAN UP. Tough pill to swallow . Nobody wants to think that it is their fault.

Look at your tough situation as an opportunity to change and improve your self.
YOU CAN NOT CHANGE OTHERS BUT YOU CAN CHANGE YOURSELF.

Most people are at least a little selfish by nature and get lazy in a relationship. Listen, Listen, Listen. What has she been trying to tell you for a long time.

Asking her to go to counseling sounds like you want help talking her out of it. Pressure she doesnt need or want.

Get in there. Address the issues that have drove her to this. WORK on you.

As long as she is still there you have the chance to show your desires to change and display them with actions. You might come out of this with a stronger relationship.

If she does leave you, these efforts to understand yourself will still be beneficial.

My marriage ended at 24 ½ years. I tried to fix it for years. Sometimes things are just not going to work out. I learned a lot about myself in the process.

I am now living with my beautiful girlfriend that is 13 years younger than me. Although we do have some issues, We are a much better match then I could hope for.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I wish you luck.

[Nightforce]

I've been on this road too. Didn't travel all the way to it's destination but sure felt a lot of the bumps in the road. The 7 year itch arrived at 7½ years.

I hate to say it but sometimes a relationship needs to hit the reset button and reboot; clears a lot of the errors. You also might be in a situation where she will only realize what's she's done, once she's done it. The only question then will be did you slam the door shut and destroy any chance of her coming back or will you leave the door open for her to return if she see's she's made a big mistake.

Personally, I was prepared to leave the door open for the sake of the kids. Better for me to lose my wife than hurt the kids and loose them too. Thankfully, we never got divorced and things got better, not as good as I would have liked, but better and that was 8 years ago; we've been married for 14.

Take care and one vital thing to remember given in all this advise. No matter what the outcome is, it's not the end, only a new beginning.

[hstuurman]

My eight year old looked ame this morning and asked if there was something wrong. I told her that Mom and Dad were having some problems. She looked at me and pursed her lips and said "Well, it's my problem too if you get divorced."

This is hurting me bad, and I dont want the kids to get hurt.

It's a lot harder when childeren are involved, I can't imagine to leave my 3 kids alone.... Damn SB, I hope you can find your way through this.

[ScottishBoy]

Thanks Guys. Im working this one as hard as I can, but a few friends have told me I should also consider warming up avenues I haven't been in for years. Like facing the concept of single dad, dating again, etc...This is all pretty overwhelming...

My plan is to work on myself and to tune myself up for a future mate. I cant change her mind and trying to convince her is just going to use up my energy and make me seem needy. I can take care of myself just fine. Im not certain why she thinks I need to be taken care of, but she's got it wrong. So I'll try to connect with a few friends I have lost touch with, and try to enjoy my life. Maybe even do a few stupid things like meeting frinds for coffee...you know...social stuff.

[junkyard dawg]

Maybe even do a few stupid things like meeting frinds for coffee

Careful that coffee can be a gateway drink...

Good luck man...

[kenfyoozed]

If things cant be mended,try to keep it civil. She may see in time how much she needs you and misses you. Maybe just some time apart will clear the mind and soul. Hang in there. My prayers are with your family.

[manu de hanoi]

I have some depressive symptoms

because of the breakup or independently ? if the depression was set before the breakup, then fix it, fix your life, then whatever the outcome of this wife situation you'll be fine.

"become who you are"

[Usge]

SB, I feel odd giving advice on this...but ...just take it a day at a time. Feel what you feel now and don't try and make it in to something or put expectations on anything at this point. This is not the time to be making plans or thinking too far ahead. Just take it easy. There'll be time for everything as it needs to be.

I wish you the best. Hope for the best.

Usge

[Mud Mechanik]

SB, I'm with USGE on this one, I'm not qualified to give advice here as I have been through it once myself. I have refrained posting on this thread to wait and see if your posting mood changes and it has. Hold your head up and practice the advise that you have just posted in your last post, you have always given good advice to new stillers and now have received some back from them. I spend lots of time reading these forums and can't help but feel a "family connection" to some of the regular posters here, I can tell you that I am always here to listen for ya brother Good luck Mud

[Baddog]

SB,
It sounds like she's made up her mind. There's probably nothing you could do to change her mind. I'll bet money she's already made commitments that staying together would alter. You can't change her just like she couldn't change you. Keep a stiff upper lip and make plans for the future. Protect your children and never let them know the pain your going through. Assure them that it has nothing to do with them it's between mom and dad. Although I believe marriage is forever $hit happens. If you've done everything to save the marriage there’s nothing more you can do. Good Luck, keep it civil.

[blanikdog]

I know that I said I wasn't going to say anything more, but I reckon that Barney is right. Three time right in my instance. Kids get over this stuff, fer crissake probably 80% of their friends parents are divorced anyway. It's 'normal' these days it seems. 'tis a queer world we live in. I don't regret any of my former relationships and it would seem that I finished up far happier than they are.

Good Luck. You will survive and life will be better for it. IMHO of course.

[ScottishBoy]

As always, the feedback is appreciated. I have decided that I can only do what is right for me at this point. She has made ovetures that she would be willing to see someone like a therapist and we are going to give a marriage counselor a try today. I dont know what the future holds for "us", but I do know what it holds for me.
This is all still very fresh, so Im still getting used to it. I have been seeing a therapist and I belive she may have found the core problem which the other ones missed. Its all been very interesting, chaotic and painful...and yet somehow I feel almost calm and fairly well centered. Odd.

But I have a feeling once I emerge from this tunnel, I will be in a better place than I was before, no matter who I am with.

I may post on here from time to time. It may become useful to some one else. We are a small band of people. To be quite honest, you guys gave the best advice out of any of my peers.

SB

[LWTCS]

WTG Rob. You sound stronger.

I once heard a famous radio host say the the thing that women do best is nurture. They were born to bear the gift of life and therefore are best at nueturing.

These past few 50 to 100 years has really changed a million years worth of man/woman dynamic. More and more we are unable to conduct our selves as our ancestors once did.
This is good in some ways,but it sure does seem like our family structure is being chipped away buy all this,,,,,evolution. As regular Joe's role in daily life become less meaningful in the eyes of our women folk.

Seems like as women hit that 30 something spot,,,they just want......I'll be quiet now

[HookLine]

Never been married, or divorced, let alone several times. But I have had my fair share of serious troubles and losses, including some ongoing ones...

The real measure of a man is not how he handles the good times.

Set a decent example to your kids. Don't have to be perfect, just okay.

All the best.

[azeo]

Good luck and all the best SB, I don't think I can give any better help than already offered from so many others from so many different backgrounds and countries.

As a single part-time father without painful divorces but some moderatley difficult separations, I know I truly value the connections I've maintained with my children, family and friends, and pleasurable activities, some with others, and some just for me. Especially the outdoors. Sometimes it's been very difficult, other times coping has been not easy, but acheivable without too much angst. It goes in cycles, and continues to do so as I face the future and learn. It takes time, and is a journey, I hope yours is not too rocky, and even when it is, there is some calm water after each storm. This thread has been good for me too, as I see the advice from those with greater maturity than me, or walked the path already. Hope it all adds up to give you the support you need. Takes courage (more than I usually have!) to ask for help or share, wtg, - and again, good luck!

[ScottishBoy]

This morning she is going to look at properties with a real estate person. I thought I had it pretty well under control, but this one just kinda floored me. She says she doesnt even know if we are a couple anymore. Last night my daughter had a nightmare about the house being on fire. I took the low road and qipped that it was "very prophetic"...she didnt like that.

[kenfyoozed]

Put your kids first now. Protect them. They are going to need it. Smooth the road for them and the rest will fall into place. Hang in there SB.

[LWTCS]

Hopefully she is considerate enough to stay close enough to keep the bulk of your daughters routine as seemless as possible (ie same school, same friends etc)

My first wife and I shared custody we each had our daughter for one week at a time every other week.
This made for good planning for vacations and holidays. Also afforded each of us enough free time to move forward with our forthcomming personal lives.

We maintained our own wardrobes for our daughter. I paid aftercare and and the college fund. She paid for insurance.

I kept communication as minimal as humanly possible as woman folk seem to think they can do as they please and still keep us on the hook for their conveinience