Jokes

[Bushman]

[Bushman]

[azeo]

So my wife wanted me to go and see a therapist, she thought it might help our “marital affairs”.

Who am I to argue with my wife, and anyway, I’m always open to advice in that area, especially from
professionals, and even from my old Gran. The therapist came highly recommended by her sister Chantel,
it worked wonders for the brother in law apparently, so off I went.

Well on the day of the appointment, I met the therapist and he seemed like a real nice guy
and after some preamble during which I explained why I was there we got down to business.

“I’m pretty sure I can help you” he says, “How about we start off with some simple associations”
and he brings out some folded cards. “Open those one at a time and tell me what you see”.

So I do. Great I think, ink blots, just like the movies.

Well, I do like art, but not the modern abstract stuff, I don’t quite get it sometimes, but I’m pretty sure
someone had been cleverly messing with those inkblots, because there were some pretty damn good pictures in there.

The first one, I was pretty sure I could see some ears of corn in there, the next one had a nice artistic rendition
of a boiler and lyne arm, and the next one I swear I could see a few barrels rolling around on the page.

Pass! I thought, just like I’m always seeing good shit up in the clouds, I can relate to abstract art!

Therapist looks a bit puzzled at this, “Are you sure you didn’t see any boobies or booty in there?”

“No sir”, I says, a bit surprised, “Just what I told you, that’s what I saw”. Now I’m puzzled,
I thought I’d aced that!

So next he reaches into his top draw and brings out a few full page glossies.
Well blow me down, I think this guy must be a closet stiller too, cos the first one has a couple
of the most curvaceous alembics you’ve ever seen, but the next one really was the ducks guts.
It was a brand new shiny 50 gallon Kentucky with double thumpers, this guy has style!

I tell him so, and he gives me a sharp look, “you didn’t see any boobies or booty in those pictures?”

Now I give *him* a sharp look, and shake my head, as I like a bit of the whoop-de-do as much as any guy,
but Its not on my mind 24/7, like it seems to be with this guy, even though my wife is the prettiest girl
in the county as far as I’m concerned.

“You’d better come back next week”, he says,”We might have some more work to do, make an appointmenton the way out”.
Hmm I think, this hasn’t gone well at all.

I think twice about the appointment, and on the way home $200 bucks lighter in the wallet, a few things are really on my mind.

How do I tell my wife I’m not going back because the therapist is a bit of a deviant and see boobies everywhere?

Or should I buy my wife some flowers, run her a nice warm bath, make her a special batch of her favorite
strawberry shine, tell her the therapy is really great and I’ll be going for a while, and put a payment down
on a 50 gallon Kentucky, with double thumpers??

[Barnes42]

Modern version of the Birds & the Bees.....

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"

Good one

[heynonny]

[Bushman]

[Yonder]

Bushman, city people are funny no a days. +1

[Bushman]

[thecroweater]

yup and if the photos were time stamped they'd likely be taken 3 minutes apart which is some seriously impressive weight loss program

[Bushman]

[Avo]

87E536EC-279D-4317-9E78-CBBAD32AF709.jpeg

The tattoo shrunk below her panty line

[Desvio]

[heynonny]

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

A guy in North Korea is walking home after his day at work . . .
. . . and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and says to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.

"What did you do that for?" he asks.

"Curfew violation," the other guard says.

"Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!"

"I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it."

[Bushman]

[metalsmith]

Bushman, This is classic! Thank you!

[acfixer69]

Now that's funny right their, Bushy

[Bushman]

[HDNB]

Blonde got into an accident.

She was complaining it wasn't her fault to the cop "but the guy was on his cell phone, he had a beer in his hand... I think he's drunk!"

Cop sez "yes ma'am, I know all that...be he is allowed to do that in his living room."

[Bushman]

I really like they new parking spaces they save for my car. Makes shopping a lot more convenient.

[HDNB]

Late one night, there comes a knock at the door. A blonde guy answers the door.

There's a cop standing there, with a long face he removes his hat and says to the guy "i'm sorry to have to tell you this, but it looks like your wife was run over by a truck..."

Blonde guy replies, "yeah, but she's got a great personality."

[Bushman]

Just bought this t-shirt to wear at 5k runs@

[Bushman]

[Odin]

[Yonder]

Oh, F me. Ain’t happened often but danmed me I laughed out loud at that one!

[CaptMorgan]

Be careful about what you make if you have a wife!

[Bushman]

[HDNB]

As i get older it becomes clearer to me why the Grinch lived alone, with his dog.

[HDNB]

I just completed some financial planning.

Looks like I can retire on my 60th birthday and live comfortably for the balance of the week.

[Bushman]

-Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.....

[Truckinbutch]

-Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.....

First rule a law student is taught about being in trial ,"Don't ask a question that you don't already know the answer to !"