The liar's bench

[heartcut]

I've worked in a refinery, does that count against me?

[T-Pee]

Absolutely not. I've met some of youse guys.

tp (and a coupla scars)

[heartcut]

In the '70s, worked in an asphalt plant. Nasty place but good people.
Discovered in an after work drinking session that asphalt is a rectal disorder (even though it's refined).

[Truckinbutch]

We all refining in one sense of the word when we still .

[heartcut]

True. Petroleum refineries used to be a series of distillation steps (batteries) once upon a time. An asphalt plant was 8 battery, at the end of things.

[SassyFrass]

I've paid a lot of fines over the years. Paid a few parking fines in pennies, and paid a few re-fines for doing the same thing more'n once...and getting caught, again.
I drank ALOT when I was young.
BUT, drinking makes ya smarter. Gets rid of the weak/dumb brain cells and leaves behind the more intelligent ones.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

[Truckinbutch]

I've paid a lot of fines over the years. Paid a few parking fines in pennies, and paid a few re-fines for doing the same thing more'n once...and getting caught, again.
I drank ALOT when I was young.
BUT, drinking makes ya smarter. Gets rid of the weak/dumb brain cells and leaves behind the more intelligent ones.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

You are good to go with that story as long as you have stopped saying ,"HEY! Y'all watch this !"

[moosemilk]

Only refined I know is if I lost something for the second time then a gotta re-find it. 'cept for any ex's. Don't want to re-find any of them.

[S-Cackalacky]

This is the Liar's Bench where we're known to refine a concept til we wear it out.

[SassyFrass]

Well...ok.

Here, Sassy. Try out this jug of T-Pee-style oaked an' aged UJ. Been settin' fer six months now.

tp

Thank ya fer the drink TP.

[T-Pee]

We spend so much time on side roads around here we hardly know how to act on the main highway through town.

tp

[WooTeck]

This is the Liar's Bench where we're known to refine a concept til we wear it out.

^

[jedneck]

My chickens are so happy that its warming up that the roosters are even laying eggs.
Here is a jug of ginger/pear brandy if anyone needs a pull.

[SassyFrass]

My chickens are so happy that its warming up that the roosters are even laying eggs.
Here is a jug of ginger/pear brandy if anyone needs a pull.

mmmmm....fruit fer breakfast!
My Doc will be happy.
Thanks Jed.

[goinbroke2]

Was flipping through old photo albums the other day and came across some of my grandfather. This guy could and would do anything and if you said he couldn't, he do it just to prove you wrong. Well many times I told stories of how he did this or that and mostly got "your full of shit, no way" and on and on. Well whenever I went to visit my grandparents I would take this little instaklick camera i had as proof. Anyway, flipping through the album I came across this picture and remember the story.
It was in '75 or 76 and grampy's horse was sick, it was a clydesdale about a mile high I think or so it seemed to me at the time, I just remember my father was 6'2 and his head wasn't as high as the horses back. Anyway, the horse got sick and grampy was worried he wouldn't get the wood out and since he had a contract with the mill he had to produce or lose the contract. Dad told him to get a loan and buy a tractor, he said hell no I'll find something to pull the sled. Dad said borrow my tractor. Hell no I'll pull it with a moose if I have to. Dad shook his head and walked away. Grammy was feeding moose off the back deck and had been for years and whenever grampy cut limbs off trees he'd leave them for the moose to eat instead of burning them like most did. So anyway, grampy see's the moose behind the house and grammy throwing carrot and potato peelings to it, grampy said keep feeding it cause I'm gonna harness it up. He threw the harness on and the moose drug him for miles and grammy made Dad, my brother and me on the tractor to go find him. Dad figured it drug grampy to his death, what kind of idiot harnesses a wild moose. We got about a mile back near the hardwood ridge and here comes a moose with a harness on, walking back the wood road. dad stopped the tractor and sure enough there was grampy walking behind with the reigns in his hands. As grampy walked by he looked at dad and said "told ya you young pup".
I knew nobody would believe me so I took lots of pictures of grampy doing various things. Here's grampy hooking the moose to the sled;

[Bigbob]

That's a damn big moose! Awesome !

[ranger_ric]

Thats a dam big true story too..

[moosemilk]

Funny thing. Moose were introduced to newfoundland, they weren't a native species. They were meant to be used like a work horse, and for food. Sometimes ok, but they had problems with their demeanor and it didn't take on. Now over in newfoundland, they have a moose population problem, with there being no natural predators.

I would not have believed Goingbroke had I not watched a documentary on that once. Great story, GB

[moosemilk]

Funny thing. Moose were introduced to newfoundland, they weren't a native species. They were meant to be used like a work horse, and for food. Sometimes ok, but they had problems with their demeanor and it didn't take on. Now over in newfoundland, they have a moose population problem, with there being no natural predators.

I would not have believed Goingbroke had I not watched a documentary on that once. Great story, GB

*edit* found this, and have to say, sure glad no moose were involved! What in the hell?

http://www.opposingviews.com/i/society/ ... ng-sex-cow" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

[kamilavalamp]

My neighbors are right good people but their not used to living next to someone as friendly as me. In fact my neighbors on both sides of me are selling their houses because they say I'm just too much. I've even been doing them all a favor to help them sell their houses faster by yodeling and playing my banjo on the front porch to make prospective buyers feel welcome. I'm gonna let everyone who looks at the houses know just what kind of friendly neighbor they'll be getting. The last couple that came by left with big ole smiles on their faces and the real estate lady had tears in her eyes. You won't ever believe this but just the other day I was playing my banjo and doing my yodeling when folks were coming up and putting quarters in my spitting bucket. These city folks are so powerful unhappy they give out good money just to have a little music to brighten up their day.

[Truckinbutch]

Welcome , Kami . have a pull from this jug and take your seat on 'The Bench'. You just earned it

[kamilavalamp]

My neighbors are all big highborn mucky mucks and fancyfied city folks. They are so pitiful looking I swear they don't eat but once every moon. I had one girl over the other day and cause I was afraid a good wind would carry her to the next county. I gave her a 16oz chicken fried steak with taters, biscuits, and sausage gravy along with a quart of Tennessee tranquilizer. She was so used to eating poorly she didn't know whether to pick up the fork or look outside for the hangman.

[HDNB]

Knew a girl like that in high school. she had to stand twice to make a shadow. The girls on the volleyball team used to say she had to run around in the shower to get wet.

[goinbroke2]

You know the snow has been here too long when...
We got snow snakes and most of the time they're not dangerous cause they move so slow but just heard on the news this morning that a couple of kids playing in the woods by the school at break time got bit. They were throwing snowballs and one kid went into some fir trees for cover and stepped right into a nest. Got bit 4 times right through his snowmobile suit. The second kid heard the screaming and came running and got one bite but it's still serious.
We tell the kids all the time not to go around fir trees that the snow is high around them as it is a perfect place for snow snakes to nest around the trunk for warmth and protection from the elements.

This has happened maybe a dozen times so far this year but they've all been farther north than here, the snow is staying around long enough now for them to migrate south I guess. I'll see if I can find the news link, nasty bites from what I heard.
Here's the lowdown on them;

Manitoba has long been rumored to the be the home of the reptilian world's most elusive member, the snow snake! Thought to be circumpolar in distribution, other verified sightings of snow snakes (Serpentius niveus) come from halfway around the planet, in the Siberian outpost of Ophidiostok, near its renowned vodka distillery.

We're a long way from Manitoba, at least these hairy buggers are only small (they reported about 3ft long)

[kamilavalamp]

UFO's Took my Still, think they'll bring it back?

[kamilavalamp]

I made whisky out of yellow snow. It tasted like greens and fatback.

[kamilavalamp]

It had an aroma of pork and beans.

[jb-texshine]

Speak in of pork...I used to have this one ol dog I hunted hogs with that had such a good nose for pigs the police shot him... seem he caught scent of a hog one night an run off, well I didn't think much about it until the police showed up and told me they had to shoot him, they said he first broke into the barbershop,trippin the alarm, and ate the razor strop, then when the police got there he went after them....bit 4 policemen. He wanted to know if my dog was viscous, I told him he's never bit man woman or child. Huh? He said, I wonder why he bit the other officers then...
To which I replied, I guess he just don't like pigs.

[Truckinbutch]

A many years gone mentor of mine , Mr. John Knight , was a rabid ruffed grouse hunter and loved to have my brothers in law and me along on a hunt to help him and PeePee , his Brittany Spaniel , on their quest for the critters . PeePee was as dedicated to the hunt as was Mr.John . If he pointed a grouse in front of you , he expected you to kill it . If you missed your shot when it flushed he would give you a look of disdain that only a dog could give . Miss a second bird he had pointed that day and he would give you 'The Look' and then trot back to you , hike a back leg , and piss on your shin . You might as well go back home right then . The dog would not point another bird for you that day .

[ranger_ric]

Truckinbutch, I know that to be a REAL story. Back in the 1900's when I was a bit younger my Pa would take my brothers and I Blue Quail huntin. Now iffin you have never hunted blue Quail they are the sittinest birds you ever met. If there is the slightest breeze you have to almost step on them to get em to fly. Well now my dad and brothers and I had hunted them withouy dogs for nigh on 7-8 yrs. Pa came into a bit of money and bought himself a "field spaniel". Told ma that it was for killin rats and mice in the barn. Dont know iffin he ever told her how much Gilly cost him. I had never hunted with a dog before, my brothers and I just formed a line with about 15' between us and headed across the pasture. I had seen him trainin Gilly for a few weeks, basically just teachin her to come and callin her OFF of rabbits and such. I never saw him doin anything with birds. As we got to the Pasture that day for Gilly's first day of bird season I figgered we would pretty much spend the day chasin her and makin sure Pa didnt lose his investment. Holy Crap was I wrong. We lowered the tailgate and let Gilly out, first thing she did was slurp up about a cup ful of water then looked at Pa and he said "Hunt 'em up". She immediately went to ranging back and forth between the 4 of us. Her being a spaniel and all she didnt point, she would just rush and flush any bird she smelled. We were hunting low mesquite bushes (nothing over 4' high). She flushed a whole covey out in front of my youngest brother and he let fly with 4 rounds from his pump 20ga. he missed every damn one of em.. Well we watched where they flew to and redirected the line (just like we always did when we didnt have a dog.) As we got close to them again you could hear her whimperin and lookin back at us to catch up. she held up and ran back and forth til we got there. Pa told her to hunt them up and she charged that bush and busted about 20 birds out of there. Somehow this worked out to be right in front of my little brother again, who totally missed. After that Gilly would not hunt in front of my brother and if we did not put him on the end of the line Gilly would only run from my Pa down to where my little brother was and turn around. Even if there was 2 people further down from him. Pretty funny. When Pa wasnt around we would give him a hard time and Gilly would ignore him....