The liar's bench

[Truckinbutch]

Yea , Ranger . You don't have to tell a lie here to sit on the bench . The truth is acceptable if presented in a believable manner so that it is entertaining . You have been doing that . I've known a lot of dogs in my lifetime that were quirky about who they would work for .

[jb-texshine]

I once met a man claimed to be so tough that if a diamond back bit him their teeth wouldn't go in, they wound just turn under until they poked the snake in the head and killed the snake!

[SoMo]

Howdy TB, hope life's giving ya just enough to handle. Springs making it's way and I'm glad to see winter gone.

[ranger_ric]

Whew Weee.. Goin way back for this one....
Way back in the 1900's when I was a Boy Scout. The council found this new place to have a camporee. Now for you younger chaps that aint never been on a camporee. It was when all these different scout groups would get together from probably a 120 mile radius (which in the desert where I am from meant a population of maybe 80,000). We went camping at this OLD WW11 bomber base where the airmen were trained on the Norden bombsight. Funny thing nobody knew what the "Official Gubmint" name of this base was it was just called Rattlesnake Bomber Base. Now No one had ever thrown a camping trip to this desolate stretch of land before so it was basically been sittin there for 25 years +/-.......
Short Story Long, All these Scout Troops arrive to demonstrate their proficiencies at any and all Scouting crafts to include first aid, firestartin, knot tyin, fartin and lyin. I aint gonna tell what my "proficiency" was.
The second night there they throw this big ass campfire... Now I aint lyin here it was a big ass campfire... Did I mention the fire was big. Holy smokin toledo... There was an old busted up dilapidated swimming pool and they had filled it up with pallets and lumber. (God knows they didnt throw any trees in there because trees dont grow in the desert...) Well they light this thing off and the flames are pushing everyone back from the old pool. We were supposed to be doing skits and silliness but we were fleeing from the flames leaping high into the air. After about 30 minutes an awful stench filled the air and the sides of the pool began moving... Then the old cement around the pool seemed to come alive..
Must of been 1,000,000 rattlesnakes that had called the cracks in and around that pool home and we were just getting the earth warm enough that they could get to moving about. pretty much turned us into a bunch of screaming terrified children. (turned most of the scoutmasters into jelly too). Snakes were freakin everywhere. Gives me the willies to think about it now. Hell it was worse then the night they had to call a baseball game off because the grasshoppers were so thick a 90mph fastball was slowed to only 60mph from hittin all the grasshoppers on the way to the plate. Its all a Real Story

Just Sayin

[T-Pee]

Good 'un, RR!

Reminds me of the time we did a Camporee at Edwards AFB back when you could get into the place. We were all camped out near some old jet sled tracks that had been unused for years but a rep from the base warned us not to pick up the chunks of black material that was laying around along the tracks. When asked what it was, he hesitantly said it was old solid rocket fuel and that it could be dangerous. We thought he was kidding.

At campfire that evening after we had showed our prowess in knot-tying, making a decent meal from dehydrated stuff and generally surviving in the Mojave Desert we all settled in for campfire songs and skits. At some point in the evening a scout from another troop went running by and tossed something about the size of a baseball into the fire, yelled GRENADE!! and kept going. None of us knew what the devil was going on until we heard a loud sizzling sound coming from the campfire and saw a bright white light throwing sparks. Three seconds later the world ended with a loud explosion and most of the campfire got lofted well into the air showering everyone around the area with flaming embers and choking smoke.

If you've ever run in panic out into the night in the Mojave Desert you get quickly reminded of the different types of cactus in the area
but we were lucky nobody got snake bit.
The offender was quickly identified and summarily removed from the Camporee while the rest of us picked cholla out of each other.

tp

[Bigbob]

Howdy TB, hope life's giving ya just enough to handle. Springs making it's way and I'm glad to see winter gone.

SoMo!!! Where you been?
Glad to see ya!

[Truckinbutch]

Howdy TB, hope life's giving ya just enough to handle. Springs making it's way and I'm glad to see winter gone.

Glad to hear that you made it through . you all et that quart of beans yet ?

[jedneck]

Howdy TB, hope life's giving ya just enough to handle. Springs making it's way and I'm glad to see winter gone.

Bout time ya thaw'd out.

[HDNB]

My Wife's
Husband is
FREAKIN AWESOME
True story.

[Bigbob]

Your Mormon huh?

[HDNB]

Nah. saw it on a T-shirt.

I'm a sucker for a good slogan.

[Truckinbutch]

Nah. saw it on a T-shirt.

I'm a sucker for a good slogan.

I'm a sucker for a nice pair . Started out on a tit and ain't never been weaned .

[jb-texshine]

Hell I'm so good at suckling a pair I can swap sides and gain an extra mouthfull in the middle

[HDNB]

Have you heard about the new I-tit?

This device combines speakers that connect to your iphone, with a brassiere.
One industry insider touts this revolutionary technology and was quoted as saying "women are complaining that men are always staring at their tits, and never listen to them..."

[SoMo]

Howdy TB, hope life's giving ya just enough to handle. Springs making it's way and I'm glad to see winter gone.

Glad to hear that you made it through . you all et that quart of beans yet ?

Not yet TB, I'm waiting on the fresh ham hocks and new potatoes in another month or so once we butcher this latest round of hogs.
Yeah guys I've been busy as can be keeping my poultry stuff going.

[ranger_ric]

You know sometimes we dont just tell REAL stories here. Before my SOH discovered my still in the wellhouse she saw the cracked corn in the pickup. She asked what I had cracked corn fer??? I says Honey you been tellin me all winter how your gonna get some chickens and ducks this year, so I was goin by the feed store and stopped in to get ahead of havin feed for them.
I had a UJSSM ferment trying to stall on me and the pH was a little whacked so what do you know she also saw that bag of oyster shells. That really threw her for a loop as in she says "What the hell are we stockin up on Oyster shells fer?"
Well honey your chickens are gonna need some good strong shells on their eggs So they will be needin the calcium in them shells.
Damn if today she didnt find that cracked corn bag was almost empty and she just got her chicks yesterday. She wanted to now where the hell all the cracked corn went. I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Honey you told me this morning Look how big these little chicks got overnight.... You think they got that big without eating??

[Truckinbutch]

Appears like you better go get a lot more corn and shells to have on hand if they et all that in just one day . After all , you want to feed them out to their full potential .

[ranger_ric]

Reckon I can convince her that chickens like malted barley and wheat before I start an AG ??

[jedneck]

Reckon I can convince her that chickens like malted barley and wheat before I start an AG ??

Skip the barley and malt the wheat. Tell soh you are stock piling wheat to grind to flour when the shit hits the fan

[ranger_ric]

Hey Guys, Try a snort of this white dog 4th gen UJSSM. Its the best I have ever done...

I am going to harvest a bunch of fruit off of all this prickly pear around here and make me some real Cactus Juice this year...

[thecroweater]

Prick pear reckon I'd be more likely to do chicken scratch using actual chicken shit as nuets than work with then, now I bet some smarty pipes up hes done that and it make the turbo whiz along

[Truckinbutch]

Reckon I can convince her that chickens like malted barley and wheat before I start an AG ??

Skip the barley and malt the wheat. Tell soh you are stock piling wheat to grind to flour when the shit hits the fan

I think I would just get her pleasantly inebriated , Make max love to her to the point that she is near out of her mind , and then explain the benefits of home distilling to achieve these heights again .
MHO . I should add that SOH at my place is totally in line with me . Helps with the stillin and the drinkin and the fringe benefits .

[Bigbob]

Mine came home from a rough day at work today, fixed her up with my new favorite...sweet feed and sweet tea. Just enough for her to taste( she's not a drinker). She allowed that this was pretty good! So I'm happy.

[T-Pee]

Been a rough day today.
You horse folk will understand this one. The rest of ya? Well, it's a good story.

For the first time since I began riding horses again, my 10 year old mustang draft mare (3 or 4 strikes right there?) decided to have a temper tantrum for leaving behind her pasture buddy and dumped me in the dirt...twice in twenty minutes. I'm ok but this 60 year old bod is gonna be sore for a few days. Thank goodness for gloves and a riding helmet or it easily could have been worse.

We had a bit of a "difference of opinion" leaving the driveway as in "I don't wanna go and you can't make me" but persistence and Aussie-style spurs convinced her that I really did want to go meet up with my sister down the road a ways for a ride up the canyon in back of her place. We usually get along just fine once we're on our way but two blocks down the wench suddenly ducked right, spun and bucked all at once leaving me high-siding left and looking at my feet and sky at the same time.
You know how time seems to slow down when shizz hits a rotating ventilator? It was like like I had enough time to think:
a) I wonder if anyone's watching this one?
b) How am I going to stick this landing?
c) Dammit. I'm gonna be late. And...
d) Huh. I've still got taut reins in my hand. Maybe I can use 'em to control how I land.

I made it about halfway through item d) when I ran out of altitude. Landing on left hip then left shoulder I rolled onto my belly when The Wench started backing up dragging me with her and filling the front of my jeans and shorts with dirt and gravel. Great. Insult on near-injury. She ran outta room when she backed into a fence giving me the opportunity to drag myself up the reins and stand up. Cool. Nothing broken and a MAJOR adrenaline rush. Ok, hon. Let's walk down to sis's place then.

A quarter of a mile to the trailhead that runs in back of the relatives, we crossed the road and got on the trail. Everything good walking down here. Nice. Ok, let's try riding to the house then. I had just swung my leg over and set my fanny in the saddle when she bounced and sent me right off the other side. This time I wound up under her and watching her belly as she decided that she was in hack and would take her leave of the scene. I let go of the reins this time, her left rear hoof hit the dirt right next to my left shoulder and she was off across the road headed for home. As she darted across the road a big Harley with a bigger pilot slid to a stop just in time to avoid hitting her his eyes as big as saucers. When he looked my way all he saw was a cloud of dust with me in the middle of it on my belly and my middle finger pointed in the direction of her departing rump with my left boot about ten feet away.

He crossed the road, dismounted and ran over to me. "Jesus, man. You ok?"
"You mean after hitting the dirt for the second time in twenty minutes? Yeah, I'm great."
"Can I help you with anything?"
"Yes, actually. Quit gawking, go grab my boot and help me up" I said through a mouthful of dirt and half of a smile.
I got dusted off, chatted with the guy for a bit and started hoofing home after assuring him that I could make it on my own power.

I got home and my dear girl is waiting for me at the gate with a decidedly worried look on her face. I walked up and she tried to nuzzle me but I gently slapped her on the nose telling her not to try brown...well, pink-nosing me. We got back to the wash rack where I took her bit out but left her fully suited up, went inside for a big glass of ice water, came back out and sat quietly in a suitable chair about twenty feet to her left. Remember the Principal's Office? We sat there for about twenty minutes with me staring at her and her continually glancing in my direction. I finally got up, hooked a long line to her bridle and for the next half hour or so did horsey calisthenics. Forward, back, right, left, trot, canter, round and round right, change direction, back the other way until this tough girl's butt was sweaty. I took her saddle off, gave her a good cool rinse, dried her off and with a handful of sweet feed later turned her loose.

I have to take some ownership on this one really. She's young and incredibly smart but like any youngster, you leave her to her own devices for too long and her level of respect and trust starts to slack just a little. You can't do that with an animal like this. She'll always have a bit of wild in her having been born and lived for her first four years on BLM land in N. Nevada. I gotta do my job too. Regardless, I don't know much about twitter hashtags but #imgonnabeasoremfertomorrowgents.

Off to the hot tub.

tp (and a sore muscle or three)

[HDNB]

had the vet out today. the mare was not being copecetic here either. turns out the spring wet is sloughing off her feet and the soles were a bit thin. back was sore down both sides, and one hip was griping her too. figgered maybe a spill on the ice.
apparently had a few reasons for not being inclined to a bit of work.
bute x 5 days, light work on the line 4 and 3 days a week, front shoes.quack-o-practer a few times to stretch the back out...


ANy body wanna buy a horse?

free horse. looking for a good home.

[corene1]

Sorry to hear that but was giggling the whole time.

horse.jpg (10.31 KiB) Viewed 2519 times

[T-Pee]

Lose the shoes and give her a proper pedicure.

tp (dedicated barefooter)

[Bigbob]

Don't forget a glass of elixir for your rumatesim! Hope you feel better in a couple of days( know it's not going to be tomorrow!) hang in there and remember : horses and motorcycles like to look at them, don't want to ride them.

[T-Pee]

They are both a great source of enjoyment and a feeling of freedom if you can stay on 'em.

tp (and a big "if")

[Bigbob]

If I ride I need a Clydesdale , or a very big motorcycle.