Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 3:49 pm
Page 12 of 142
Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 6:16 pm
Good one butch.blanik
Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 6:02 pm
Big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins...
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins...
Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 7:38 pm
Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2007 5:35 pm
A Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of 'Thanks Santa'--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls.....Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knee s
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blond. I'm going SOUTH for the season
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of 'Thanks Santa'--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls.....Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knee s
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blond. I'm going SOUTH for the season
Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 9:07 am
The Diary of a Wisconsin Snow Shoveler
December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.
December 23
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.
December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.
December 23
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.
December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Posted: Mon Dec 17, 2007 8:23 am
THE RIBBONS.... A couple had a dog that snores. So the wife goes to the vet for help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife can't sleep; so she goes to the closet, grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The wife is amazed!
Later that night, her husband comes home drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring. The wife thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him, too. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The man wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. While he is standing in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon tied around hi s priv ates.
He is very confused. When he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon tied to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head, looks at the dog and says, " I don't know where we were or what we did; but, by God, we got first and second place!"
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife can't sleep; so she goes to the closet, grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The wife is amazed!
Later that night, her husband comes home drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring. The wife thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him, too. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The man wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. While he is standing in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon tied around hi s priv ates.
He is very confused. When he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon tied to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head, looks at the dog and says, " I don't know where we were or what we did; but, by God, we got first and second place!"
Posted: Mon Dec 17, 2007 6:01 pm
The Chemist wrote:The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins...
blanik
Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 3:50 am
There are 3 people applying for a job, a physis, a magician, and a iron worker. The company sets up a test to find out which one is the one for the job. They construct 3 square rooms and furnish each one with one chair, one table, and 3 steel balls the size of soft balls. They put each man in a room with instructions to do what they can with what is in the room before they return. After about an hour they return to the first room with the physis, he has all three steel balls balanced one on top of the other. They compliment him and proceed to the next room where the magician has one steel ball in his hand and the other two rotating around it. They again compliment him and proceed to the next room. When they enter the iron worker is sitting in his chair with no sign of the steel balls in the room. They ask him where are the steel balls. He explains that as he was looking at them, he dropped one and lost it, he broke the other, and had the third one in his lunch box to take home with him.
Happy Holidays
Happy Holidays
Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 6:42 am
hey, I think i know that Ironworker...
Posted: Thu Dec 27, 2007 2:49 pm
I hope you americans like it too, 'cause I had to smilesomeone's signature on an other forum wrote:War is God's way of teaching Americans geography
Posted: Thu Dec 27, 2007 5:38 pm
There IS a lot of truth in thatstoker wrote:I hope you americans like it too, 'cause I had to smilesomeone's signature on an other forum wrote:War is God's way of teaching Americans geography
It not only works for Americans, but for Texans too
Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 2:17 pm
Redneck Church
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses
to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the
members knows how to play one.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn
that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what
bait was used to catch 'em.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd
like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women
stand up.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is
recognized as an official church holiday.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church
requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive Dodge truck because "It ain't
never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK
Chorale".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500
members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as
"branding".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set
the dogs on the floor to howling.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is
what you get when you lift something too heavy.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2
galvanized washtub.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated
by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are
really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a Bell, you are
called to service by a duck call.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife
drive matching Chevrolet pickup trucks.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's
Farm "Tickled Pink".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet"
applies to hunting dogs, too.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the
benediction are, "Y'all come back now Ya Hear!"
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Sunday finds more pickup
trucks in the parking lot than cars.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... All of those pickups in the
parking lot have a gun rack in the window, and a gun in the rack.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the parking lot has four
boys, in the middle of an impromptu spitting contest.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... The girls want to join the
spitting contest.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses
to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the
members knows how to play one.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn
that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what
bait was used to catch 'em.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd
like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women
stand up.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is
recognized as an official church holiday.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church
requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive Dodge truck because "It ain't
never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK
Chorale".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500
members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as
"branding".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set
the dogs on the floor to howling.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is
what you get when you lift something too heavy.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2
galvanized washtub.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated
by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are
really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a Bell, you are
called to service by a duck call.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife
drive matching Chevrolet pickup trucks.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's
Farm "Tickled Pink".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet"
applies to hunting dogs, too.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the
benediction are, "Y'all come back now Ya Hear!"
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Sunday finds more pickup
trucks in the parking lot than cars.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... All of those pickups in the
parking lot have a gun rack in the window, and a gun in the rack.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the parking lot has four
boys, in the middle of an impromptu spitting contest.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... The girls want to join the
spitting contest.
Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 2:37 pm
Amen, Tater, sounds a lot like home.
Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:35 pm
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the president narrowed the field to 3 finalists, the CIA, FBI and the NYPD. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.
The CIA went in first.
They placed animal informants throughout the woods, questioned all plant and mineral witnesses.
After 3 months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI was next.
After 2 weeks without a capture, they burnt the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit.
They made no apologies, the rabbit deserved it!!
Last was the NYPD.
They came out 2 hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear was yelling "OKAY, OKAY, I AM THE FUCKING RABBIT, I AM THE FUCKING RABBIT!"
J
The CIA went in first.
They placed animal informants throughout the woods, questioned all plant and mineral witnesses.
After 3 months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI was next.
After 2 weeks without a capture, they burnt the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit.
They made no apologies, the rabbit deserved it!!
Last was the NYPD.
They came out 2 hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear was yelling "OKAY, OKAY, I AM THE FUCKING RABBIT, I AM THE FUCKING RABBIT!"
J
Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 12:14 pm
Bobbitt Family Update
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with
A Misdewiener!
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with
A Misdewiener!
Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 2:18 pm
Little known part of the Lorena Bobbit story:
After she did the deed, she actually left the premises with it in her hand. She drove down the road...and "threw it out the window" where it was later found, reattached, etc.
What is little known is that when she threw it out, it first landed on the windshield of a pickup travelling behind her with 2 good-ole-boys coming back from hunting. The passenger of the pickup says to the driver ...Good God Bubba! Did you see the size of the dick on that bug?
After she did the deed, she actually left the premises with it in her hand. She drove down the road...and "threw it out the window" where it was later found, reattached, etc.
What is little known is that when she threw it out, it first landed on the windshield of a pickup travelling behind her with 2 good-ole-boys coming back from hunting. The passenger of the pickup says to the driver ...Good God Bubba! Did you see the size of the dick on that bug?
Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 6:27 pm
An
elderly Texas cowhand went to the local drug
store and asked the
pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill.
The pharmacist asked 'How many?'
The cowboy replied, 'Just a few, maybe a half
dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.'
The pharmacist said, 'That's too small a
dose. That won't get you through sex.'
The old fellow said, 'Oh, I'm
past eighty years old, and I don't even think
about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out
far enough so I don't pee on my new boots
elderly Texas cowhand went to the local drug
store and asked the
pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill.
The pharmacist asked 'How many?'
The cowboy replied, 'Just a few, maybe a half
dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.'
The pharmacist said, 'That's too small a
dose. That won't get you through sex.'
The old fellow said, 'Oh, I'm
past eighty years old, and I don't even think
about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out
far enough so I don't pee on my new boots
Posted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 4:28 pm
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . ...!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . ...!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Posted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 9:19 pm
Old man walks into whore house and says he wants to get laid. The madam says...hun...I think you about done. He says...oh, how much do I owe you??
Know what the "old man" pickup line is?:..."Do I come here often"?
Know what the "old man" pickup line is?:..."Do I come here often"?
Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 9:00 pm
NINE MONTHS LATER!
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nea r by farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lad y agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later , Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes, "Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything." </P>
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nea r by farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lad y agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later , Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes, "Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything." </P>
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)
Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 6:19 am
That is a good one Tater, starting my day out with smile. Thanks
Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 10:42 am
The Day the P. Niss asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for
the following reasons:
>> I do physical labor.
>> I work at great depths.
>> I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
>> I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
>> I work in a damp environment.
>> I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
>> I work in high temperatures.
>> My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
>>
>> Sincerely,
>> P. Niss
>>
>>
>>
>> The Response:
>>
>> Dear P. Niss:
>> After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
>> raised, the administration rejects your request for
>> the following reasons:
>> You do not work 8 hours straight.
>> You fall asleep after brief work periods.
>>You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
>> You do not stay in your designated area and are
>> often seen visiting other locations.
>> You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated
>> in order to start working.
>> You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
>> your shift.
>> You do not always observe necessary safety
>> regulations, such as wearing the correct protective
>> clothing.
>> You will retire well before you are 65.
>> You are unable to work double shifts.
>> You sometimes leave your designated work area before
>> you have
>> completed assigned task.
>> And if that were not all, you have been seen
>> constantly entering and
>> exiting the workplace carrying two
>> suspicious-looking bags.
>>
>> Sincerely,
>> V. Gina
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for
the following reasons:
>> I do physical labor.
>> I work at great depths.
>> I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
>> I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
>> I work in a damp environment.
>> I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
>> I work in high temperatures.
>> My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
>>
>> Sincerely,
>> P. Niss
>>
>>
>>
>> The Response:
>>
>> Dear P. Niss:
>> After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
>> raised, the administration rejects your request for
>> the following reasons:
>> You do not work 8 hours straight.
>> You fall asleep after brief work periods.
>>You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
>> You do not stay in your designated area and are
>> often seen visiting other locations.
>> You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated
>> in order to start working.
>> You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
>> your shift.
>> You do not always observe necessary safety
>> regulations, such as wearing the correct protective
>> clothing.
>> You will retire well before you are 65.
>> You are unable to work double shifts.
>> You sometimes leave your designated work area before
>> you have
>> completed assigned task.
>> And if that were not all, you have been seen
>> constantly entering and
>> exiting the workplace carrying two
>> suspicious-looking bags.
>>
>> Sincerely,
>> V. Gina
Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 11:16 am
Tater, NOTE when you do not want to know the truth, do not ask the hard question.
H.
H.
Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 1:27 pm
Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 9:57 am
What's the difference between a Banjo and a Harley? You can tune a Harley. 
An old banjo player was on his death bed and called his whole family together so that he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world. After he said what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he was coming very close to death he called for all to gather together.
"I have one thing I would like to confess before I go," he said. They all drew closer. "It was me," cough, wheeze, "I was the one," he said as they leaned down as close as they could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper. Gasp, cough, "I was the one," cough, wheeze, "in the kitchen with Dinah…"
Upon hearing from his doctor that he only had six months to live, a man exclaimed, "But doctor, is there anything I can do?"
"I'm afraid not." said the doctor. "But, there is one thing you could try..."
"What, what, I'll try anything..."
"Find yourself a homely girl that plays the banjo and move to Pittsburgh."
"Will that help me live longer?"
"No, but it will make time go by really slowly..."
An old banjo player was on his death bed and called his whole family together so that he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world. After he said what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he was coming very close to death he called for all to gather together.
"I have one thing I would like to confess before I go," he said. They all drew closer. "It was me," cough, wheeze, "I was the one," he said as they leaned down as close as they could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper. Gasp, cough, "I was the one," cough, wheeze, "in the kitchen with Dinah…"
Upon hearing from his doctor that he only had six months to live, a man exclaimed, "But doctor, is there anything I can do?"
"I'm afraid not." said the doctor. "But, there is one thing you could try..."
"What, what, I'll try anything..."
"Find yourself a homely girl that plays the banjo and move to Pittsburgh."
"Will that help me live longer?"
"No, but it will make time go by really slowly..."
Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 10:54 am
Best I can tell this one hasn't been told yet - one of my favorites:
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She
turned to the cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied,
"Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to
rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so
I guess I am a cowboy."
She said,
"I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get
up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women.
When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the
other side of the old cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She
turned to the cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied,
"Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to
rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so
I guess I am a cowboy."
She said,
"I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get
up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women.
When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the
other side of the old cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 2:39 pm
Bank Crisis Hits Japan
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock Bank in the U.K., financial uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after prices nose-dived. Also today, Cherry Blossom Financial Services is reported to be in the pits.
While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock Bank in the U.K., financial uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after prices nose-dived. Also today, Cherry Blossom Financial Services is reported to be in the pits.
While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 7:37 pm
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out
of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says 'Hi. My name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load.' The trucker ignores her and proceeds down
the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, 'Hi. My name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!'
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on
the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says 'Hi.
My name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!'
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs
back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it,
he says:
'Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Wyoming and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK!'
of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says 'Hi. My name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load.' The trucker ignores her and proceeds down
the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, 'Hi. My name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!'
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on
the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says 'Hi.
My name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!'
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs
back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it,
he says:
'Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Wyoming and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK!'
Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 11:08 am
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed
>for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter
>requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to
>God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so
>amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
>The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little
>boy.
>
>
>
>
>The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a
>thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for
>sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it
>through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
>for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter
>requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to
>God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so
>amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
>The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little
>boy.
>
>
>
>
>The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a
>thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for
>sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it
>through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.